How to survive separating in place with a cheater

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me. How old are your kids?

1. He moved to the guest room. This was easy since he accidentally had his text messages go to my son's phone so my son knew about the affair.
2. I did everything I normally do. I did not change a thing.
3. I literally was not rude, just do your thing.
4. I got out of the house a lot, took kids to activities, went for a walk, did yoga, shopping, etc.
5. I refused to fight. If he tried to start something I walked away to my room or for a walk or took the dog out.
6. He can't explain himself. This is on you figure it out yourself I am no longer your support system. call you girlfriend.
7. I knew the OW through friends and made sure they knew I asked him to move out but he refused.

Look up 180 of affairs.

Naturally he refused to move out because of his ego and the girl friend showed her true color and freaked out. He dumped her.

We lived together for 4 years until the youngest went to college and he moved out.

Bought him out of the house and I am sooooo happy!

You will get there. I have a full life without him and you will too.

What do you mean she freaked out? What happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you. These posts are a huge wake up call. I have to read and re-read these posts to get the courage to move on. I keep feeling false hope - he says things like I love you and always will love you, but he can't leave her. It's the worst to see someone's heart divided this way. But I have more than enough evidence that points to the fact that he's absolutely in her corner. He's no longer in my corner.

Unfortunately he may be a guy who is addicted to the split itself. The AP will soon discover that she has a broken man on her hands. It is a Pyrrhic victory. There is no lasting pleasure in turning someone into someone they do not want to be.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yes, low self esteem. Yes, completely codependent. Yes, totally afraid and anxious about a future as a single mom. Crying and begging and bargaining with someone who thinks a marriage should be foreclosed for what seems to be a high school romance. He's out of his mind.

I'll research the 180 suggestion that folks brought up. Thank you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I’m so sorry and your poor son for getting those awful text messages from his dad’s AP. Horrifying.

I kicked him out but was able to because our kids didn’t know and he wanted to keep it that way. His dad was a cheater and he knew firsthand the effect as a kid. I found out in the morning and told him he had to be out by the next day. He slept in the basement that night and got up before kids did. We told the kids he had to go on a business trip.

I could not have him in the house when my tensions were so high and I did not want to argue/snap in front of our kids- 12 and 15 at the time.

In my case, the affair was already over, ended by him and he wanted to desperately make amends and initiated individual and couples therapy, but I did not show up for the couple’s therapy. He begged me to drop in on the zoom call and I refused. It would be 6 months before I agreed to couples therapy when I saw his actions and how hard he was trying.

If he’s not remorseful now and has some balls to act like that and then refuse to leave—while playing mind games and telling you that you are being unreasonable- I think I’d seek counseling myself to help with the direction to take while also talking to a few family law specialists.

Your son will also need counseling for his father’s betrayal. That stuff has a way of sticking with a kid through life if not processed.

So are you two still together? How are things now?

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. People are awful.

[Anonymous]

He refuses to move out. He is pressuring me to just be civil and amicable. He keeps telling me we can still be civil with each other.

What a selfish jerk. You don't have to be nice to him. Actions have consequences. He needs to grow the hell up and realize that - he doesn't get to live in fantasy land and blow up your life and his kids' lives and pretend that it's ok.

[Anonymous]

Now he's worried about the impact on the kids? lololol. The fantasy life and affair fog is real with him. How does he think this will play out? He is blowing up the family for a ridiculous fantasy where she lives in a different state. If the marriage ends, he will have to move there to be with her - has he thought about the damage that will do to his kids and his relationship with them? They will never look at him the same, will refuse to spend time with the bitc$ that is partly responsible for ruining their family and may never want to spend time with him again. What a crappy parent. OP, you will be better off without such a selfish man-child.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm drafting the terms of the separation. I want a week on/ week off schedule where we switch off caring for the kids, pick up and drop off, etc. When it's his on week, he has all responsibilities - cooking, cleaning, pick up, drop off, homework duty, etc.

For those who separated, how do you handle afternoon sports with this sort of schedule? Is it fair to say, when it's your ON week, you have to be responsible for all kids after school activities without my help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now he's worried about the impact on the kids? lololol. The fantasy life and affair fog is real with him. How does he think this will play out? He is blowing up the family for a ridiculous fantasy where she lives in a different state. If the marriage ends, he will have to move there to be with her - has he thought about the damage that will do to his kids and his relationship with them? They will never look at him the same, will refuse to spend time with the bitc$ that is partly responsible for ruining their family and may never want to spend time with him again. What a crappy parent. OP, you will be better off without such a selfish man-child.

Yep. These a-holes (the married women AP too!!!) sure as hell didn’t think about their kids while they were getting their spouse to take care of them so they could go bang someone else. Then, all the sudden it’s “oh I don’t want the kids to know”. Christ- then you shouldn’t have been a lying whore and thought of them before you started sleeping around on their mother/father.

[Anonymous]

^ cheating us one of the most selfish and self-centered acts. They are only thinking of themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1 on all the PPs who called his behavior out as abusive. The is classic cheater emotional abuse - they live a double life too, so they want you to live a double life also, pretending to get along with him and that everything is normal, that he still lives you, etc.

Please stop marital therapy. Get a lawyer STAT who can explain to you about separation, etc. You and DH can NOT use the same lawyer. You must accomplish certain things to be separated - tell the spouse (in a documented way) that the marriage is over and you intend to divorce, move into a separate bathroom, tell other people about the impending divorce, establish separate bank accounts, stop doing household tasks for each other, etc. Visit the lawyer, get a list and make the moves in the house, without his help.

Establish a schedule and “co-parent” in the sense of parallel parenting. He is using the idea of co-parenting to force you to do stuff with him and keep you on the hook longer. Set up the schedule in the household like you would when you are divorced and make plans to be out of the house and ask him to be out of the house when it is your turn.

He may, at some point, wake up and smell the coffee with these changes, or he may not. Whatever happens DO NOT “get back together” without a post-nuptial agreement that details what will happen in a split (physically, financially and custody-wise), including a point that he is obligated to move out at your request. If he isn’t willing to agree to everything you ask for in a postnup or he thinks the terms of a postnup are “unfair” you really need to go through with the divorce. It is a substantial risk to you to stay with him post affair (even “just” an EA).

FWIW, OP, you can’t control him. You can’t rationalize with him. But, he also can’t control you. Move on with your life.

+1 to the bolded. OP, it's unlikely that he hasn't slept with this OW despite what he told you. You need to summon all your strength to respect yourself and your child and move on. Stop letting him control you. I really don't see any future with a man this scheming and abusive. Who cares if he wakes up and wants you back. You can do better. I'm so sorry. I know this isn't easy. You'll feel better once you stop loving or wanting him, but you'll never get there living with him while he disrespects you every day. Hugs to you and your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, low self esteem. Yes, completely codependent. Yes, totally afraid and anxious about a future as a single mom. Crying and begging and bargaining with someone who thinks a marriage should be foreclosed for what seems to be a high school romance. He's out of his mind.

I'll research the 180 suggestion that folks brought up. Thank you all.

It doesn't matter whether this is "like a high school romance." What matters is that your husband has demonstrated what kind of man he is, and how much he values you and the family you created together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do you really have to live in the same house ? I would get him to move out as this will give you space to process and move on. It’s the worst time for sure and the suggestions are helpful.

Again—property and custody really have to be worked out. Up and leaving can impact custody. People need to consult an attorney before leaving the marital home. As soon as something is agreed on with custody and property, then by all means, physically separate.

None of the suggestions to which you are responding have suggested she leave the home. Yes, getting him to leave is complicated, but nobody has said she should leave. Do you have thoughts on how to get him out? I think telling people about what is going on is a good start. This poor woman is being used and manipulated and it will continue to an unhealthy degree as long as he remains in the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, low self esteem. Yes, completely codependent. Yes, totally afraid and anxious about a future as a single mom. Crying and begging and bargaining with someone who thinks a marriage should be foreclosed for what seems to be a high school romance. He's out of his mind.

I'll research the 180 suggestion that folks brought up. Thank you all.

From my divorce I realized my self esteem and self worth was very low. I put up with things I never would today. Thankfully I had the courage to finally say enough. And yes I had a small child. It wasn't as hard as I thought OP. It was mostly the fear that was holding me back. A person that would do such things isn't one you want to be tied to. I hope you can get the courage to find your own happy life. Like me you probably missed a lot of red flags because you wanted a family so badly. It's very common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do you really have to live in the same house ? I would get him to move out as this will give you space to process and move on. It’s the worst time for sure and the suggestions are helpful.

Again—property and custody really have to be worked out. Up and leaving can impact custody. People need to consult an attorney before leaving the marital home. As soon as something is agreed on with custody and property, then by all means, physically separate.

None of the suggestions to which you are responding have suggested she leave the home. Yes, getting him to leave is complicated, but nobody has said she should leave. Do you have thoughts on how to get him out? I think telling people about what is going on is a good start. This poor woman is being used and manipulated and it will continue to an unhealthy degree as long as he remains in the home.

I agree. First she needs to do a consultation with a lawyer then proceed from there. OP many lawyers do free consultations. Please start looking, empower yourself ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me. How old are your kids?

1. He moved to the guest room. This was easy since he accidentally had his text messages go to my son's phone so my son knew about the affair.
2. I did everything I normally do. I did not change a thing.
3. I literally was not rude, just do your thing.
4. I got out of the house a lot, took kids to activities, went for a walk, did yoga, shopping, etc.
5. I refused to fight. If he tried to start something I walked away to my room or for a walk or took the dog out.
6. He can't explain himself. This is on you figure it out yourself I am no longer your support system. call you girlfriend.
7. I knew the OW through friends and made sure they knew I asked him to move out but he refused.

Look up 180 of affairs.

Naturally he refused to move out because of his ego and the girl friend showed her true color and freaked out. He dumped her.

We lived together for 4 years until the youngest went to college and he moved out.

Bought him out of the house and I am sooooo happy!

You will get there. I have a full life without him and you will too.

What do you mean she freaked out? What happened?

Came to our house, knocked on the door. Said if we were really separated it should be fine, right?