How to survive separating in place with a cheater

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, low self esteem. Yes, completely codependent. Yes, totally afraid and anxious about a future as a single mom. Crying and begging and bargaining with someone who thinks a marriage should be foreclosed for what seems to be a high school romance. He's out of his mind.

I'll research the 180 suggestion that folks brought up. Thank you all.

+ 1 on the 180 Check out survivinginfidelity website for guidance. It is an approach that gives you a framework to move forward. It is not about getting them back !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me. How old are your kids?

1. He moved to the guest room. This was easy since he accidentally had his text messages go to my son's phone so my son knew about the affair.
2. I did everything I normally do. I did not change a thing.
3. I literally was not rude, just do your thing.
4. I got out of the house a lot, took kids to activities, went for a walk, did yoga, shopping, etc.
5. I refused to fight. If he tried to start something I walked away to my room or for a walk or took the dog out.
6. He can't explain himself. This is on you figure it out yourself I am no longer your support system. call you girlfriend.
7. I knew the OW through friends and made sure they knew I asked him to move out but he refused.

Look up 180 of affairs.

Naturally he refused to move out because of his ego and the girl friend showed her true color and freaked out. He dumped her.

We lived together for 4 years until the youngest went to college and he moved out.

Bought him out of the house and I am sooooo happy!

You will get there. I have a full life without him and you will too.

What do you mean she freaked out? What happened?

Came to our house, knocked on the door. Said if we were really separated it should be fine, right?

That doesn't sound like a freak out. That is her believing him and wanting to come out of the shadows and him telling her what her place really is.

I don’t think my husband was ready for her to meet the kids. I think she should’ve asked him first if she could come over. Anyway he stepped outside and said go away. Apparently she had a nervous break down and didn’t go to work for two months. She works in my friends law firm. She was eventually fired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm drafting the terms of the separation. I want a week on/ week off schedule where we switch off caring for the kids, pick up and drop off, etc. When it's his on week, he has all responsibilities - cooking, cleaning, pick up, drop off, homework duty, etc.

For those who separated, how do you handle afternoon sports with this sort of schedule? Is it fair to say, when it's your ON week, you have to be responsible for all kids after school activities without my help?

OP YOU need to see a lawyer to get a actual separation. Don't be your own lawyer....the lawyer will GUIDE you in all of that! Yes there are free consultations.

OP here. Sorry - I meant I'm drafting the terms of separation in place. I totally agree that I need a lawyer to help write the Separation Agreement and PSA. I don't have the legal expertise to address how to dissolve property, determine custody, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been there and it was a horrible six months. My suggestions:

-look into getting a 2nd place where you can stay on your non-custody time
-meet with a lawyer so you understand specifics for your state about whether you can move out without it counting against you in custody
-definitely expect your stbx to handle all kid stuff on their time
-find a therapist for you
-if you aren't already exercising, start
-build your life-reconnect with old friends, meet new people, take classes, do all the stuff that will help you start the next phase of your life
-if you are about to send an angry text, imagine a judge reading it, do 10 pushups, and then edit

You will be okay.

I did that and it was a complete waste of money. I would do in-home until a permanent housing plan is established and then move that along once property and custody terms are in the agreement. Paying rent short-term is a waste of money.

Sometimes saving your sanity is worth more than money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me. How old are your kids?

1. He moved to the guest room. This was easy since he accidentally had his text messages go to my son's phone so my son knew about the affair.
2. I did everything I normally do. I did not change a thing.
3. I literally was not rude, just do your thing.
4. I got out of the house a lot, took kids to activities, went for a walk, did yoga, shopping, etc.
5. I refused to fight. If he tried to start something I walked away to my room or for a walk or took the dog out.
6. He can't explain himself. This is on you figure it out yourself I am no longer your support system. call you girlfriend.
7. I knew the OW through friends and made sure they knew I asked him to move out but he refused.

Look up 180 of affairs.

Naturally he refused to move out because of his ego and the girl friend showed her true color and freaked out. He dumped her.

We lived together for 4 years until the youngest went to college and he moved out.

Bought him out of the house and I am sooooo happy!

You will get there. I have a full life without him and you will too.

What do you mean she freaked out? What happened?

Came to our house, knocked on the door. Said if we were really separated it should be fine, right?

That doesn't sound like a freak out. That is her believing him and wanting to come out of the shadows and him telling her what her place really is.

I don’t think my husband was ready for her to meet the kids. I think she should’ve asked him first if she could come over. Anyway he stepped outside and said go away. Apparently she had a nervous break down and didn’t go to work for two months. She works in my friends law firm. She was eventually fired.

Sweet karma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been there and it was a horrible six months. My suggestions:

-look into getting a 2nd place where you can stay on your non-custody time
-meet with a lawyer so you understand specifics for your state about whether you can move out without it counting against you in custody
-definitely expect your stbx to handle all kid stuff on their time
-find a therapist for you
-if you aren't already exercising, start
-build your life-reconnect with old friends, meet new people, take classes, do all the stuff that will help you start the next phase of your life
-if you are about to send an angry text, imagine a judge reading it, do 10 pushups, and then edit

You will be okay.

I did that and it was a complete waste of money. I would do in-home until a permanent housing plan is established and then move that along once property and custody terms are in the agreement. Paying rent short-term is a waste of money.

That was my justficiation. It was a complete waste of money. I did not feel better. I felt better after a divorce. That was the only thing that was going to resolve it...not wasting money on temporary housing in a limbo situation.

Sometimes saving your sanity is worth more than money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been there and it was a horrible six months. My suggestions:

-look into getting a 2nd place where you can stay on your non-custody time
-meet with a lawyer so you understand specifics for your state about whether you can move out without it counting against you in custody
-definitely expect your stbx to handle all kid stuff on their time
-find a therapist for you
-if you aren't already exercising, start
-build your life-reconnect with old friends, meet new people, take classes, do all the stuff that will help you start the next phase of your life
-if you are about to send an angry text, imagine a judge reading it, do 10 pushups, and then edit

You will be okay.

I did that and it was a complete waste of money. I would do in-home until a permanent housing plan is established and then move that along once property and custody terms are in the agreement. Paying rent short-term is a waste of money.

Sometimes saving your sanity is worth more than money.

That was my justification. It was a complete waste of money. I did not feel better. I felt better after a divorce. That was the only thing that was going to resolve it...not wasting money on temporary housing in a limbo situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's separation in place? Continuing to live together in same house?
It sounds like that would be very challenging, why couldn't you separate and actually physically separate?

Tell us about the AP, is she local? Is she married? Has the affair only been emotional?

Yes, separation in place (per Virginia law for divorcing couples with minor children, no fault divorce).

EAP is in another state. Affair is only emotional but extremely intense.

Why would you choose the no fault option? ???
Divorce for fault. It doesn’t change division of assets but reduces the wait time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm drafting the terms of the separation. I want a week on/ week off schedule where we switch off caring for the kids, pick up and drop off, etc. When it's his on week, he has all responsibilities - cooking, cleaning, pick up, drop off, homework duty, etc.

For those who separated, how do you handle afternoon sports with this sort of schedule? Is it fair to say, when it's your ON week, you have to be responsible for all kids after school activities without my help?

OP YOU need to see a lawyer to get a actual separation. Don't be your own lawyer....the lawyer will GUIDE you in all of that! Yes there are free consultations.

OP here. Sorry - I meant I'm drafting the terms of separation in place. I totally agree that I need a lawyer to help write the Separation Agreement and PSA. I don't have the legal expertise to address how to dissolve property, determine custody, etc.

You don't need legal advice for that. It is up to the couple and the norm is 50/50. You need the laywer to draft the actual agreement though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm drafting the terms of the separation. I want a week on/ week off schedule where we switch off caring for the kids, pick up and drop off, etc. When it's his on week, he has all responsibilities - cooking, cleaning, pick up, drop off, homework duty, etc.

For those who separated, how do you handle afternoon sports with this sort of schedule? Is it fair to say, when it's your ON week, you have to be responsible for all kids after school activities without my help?

OP YOU need to see a lawyer to get a actual separation. Don't be your own lawyer....the lawyer will GUIDE you in all of that! Yes there are free consultations.

OP here. Sorry - I meant I'm drafting the terms of separation in place. I totally agree that I need a lawyer to help write the Separation Agreement and PSA. I don't have the legal expertise to address how to dissolve property, determine custody, etc.

We did not do a separation agreement. We only did a PSA that listed the separation date. We did an in-home separation. Figuring out housing takes time. It is stupid to make short-term housing decisions. Take the time with in-home separation to figure out the permanent post-divorce housing solution.

[Anonymous]

You kick his ass out. He is leaving the marriage and the family. He doesn't get to do this without consequences. I'm very sorry, OP. You will get through this even though it's so hard now.

[Anonymous]

I’ll give you a different perspective. It sounds to me like he is highly ambivalent about both relationships and about intimacy in general. I bet if you became pleasant and neutral and “no problem” about this he would stay indefinitely. Right now he is too much of a coward to make a choice, and you pushing him away is choosing for him. He’s hoping you will do that and that’s why he contacted this woman again. But he doesn’t really intend to leave you for her as that would involve a new commitment and a new set of problems.

Has he said anything about what he actually wants? From the marriage or from his emotional life in general?

I would cut the drama, it’s not getting you anywhere… no more crying and begging. You need to decide what you want from this and play your cards accordingly. If what you want is for this sorry excuse of a guy to stay with you I can pretty much guarantee that he will if you suddenly become understanding and non clingy. If you want him to leave and to punish him that will come at a cost to your child and only you can decide if it will be worth it in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me. How old are your kids?

1. He moved to the guest room. This was easy since he accidentally had his text messages go to my son's phone so my son knew about the affair.
2. I did everything I normally do. I did not change a thing.
3. I literally was not rude, just do your thing.
4. I got out of the house a lot, took kids to activities, went for a walk, did yoga, shopping, etc.
5. I refused to fight. If he tried to start something I walked away to my room or for a walk or took the dog out.
6. He can't explain himself. This is on you figure it out yourself I am no longer your support system. call you girlfriend.
7. I knew the OW through friends and made sure they knew I asked him to move out but he refused.

Look up 180 of affairs.

Naturally he refused to move out because of his ego and the girl friend showed her true color and freaked out. He dumped her.

We lived together for 4 years until the youngest went to college and he moved out.

Bought him out of the house and I am sooooo happy!

You will get there. I have a full life without him and you will too.

What do you mean she freaked out? What happened?

Came to our house, knocked on the door. Said if we were really separated it should be fine, right?

That doesn't sound like a freak out. That is her believing him and wanting to come out of the shadows and him telling her what her place really is.

I don’t think my husband was ready for her to meet the kids. I think she should’ve asked him first if she could come over. Anyway he stepped outside and said go away. Apparently she had a nervous break down and didn’t go to work for two months. She works in my friends law firm. She was eventually fired.

Obviously he led her to believe she was something to him that she was not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll give you a different perspective. It sounds to me like he is highly ambivalent about both relationships and about intimacy in general. I bet if you became pleasant and neutral and “no problem” about this he would stay indefinitely. Right now he is too much of a coward to make a choice, and you pushing him away is choosing for him. He’s hoping you will do that and that’s why he contacted this woman again. But he doesn’t really intend to leave you for her as that would involve a new commitment and a new set of problems.

Has he said anything about what he actually wants? From the marriage or from his emotional life in general?

I would cut the drama, it’s not getting you anywhere… no more crying and begging. You need to decide what you want from this and play your cards accordingly. If what you want is for this sorry excuse of a guy to stay with you I can pretty much guarantee that he will if you suddenly become understanding and non clingy. If you want him to leave and to punish him that will come at a cost to your child and only you can decide if it will be worth it in the long run.

This precisely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I’m the person who is dealing with something incredibly similar (I’m a woman married to another woman, AP is a woman too). You might have seen some of my threads.

This exact thing is going on with me. The difference is the AP is local and I know she and DW are having regular sex. DW refuses to move out even though we are both miserable. She is 100% emotionally abusing me. Texting AP almost every minute — literally. Sending AP pics of our kids. Packing her lunches and bringing her coffee daily. My DW is truly an awful, heartless person, and frankly I’m not sure how she lives with her disgraceful self, and yet I’m having so much trouble letting go of our family unit.

I guess I just wanted to commiserate and tell you you aren’t alone. Hugs. We both deserve so much better, and so do our kids.

OP here. Oh boy, what a difficult situation!! I'm so sorry. I get what you mean about keeping the family unit together. This is quite a crisis and I don't wish this on anyone. Do you have a support system? Are you guys in the process of getting a divorce?