How to survive separating in place with a cheater

[Anonymous]

DH got involved in an intense EA that he confessed to a few months ago. While he confessed out of guilt, he has not put in the time needed to see if the marriage can be repaired through couples counseling.

Even though he's struggling with the moral choice of whether to leave me for her, so far the signs indicate that he is going to choose her. He broke the "no contact" rule after only two marriage counseling sessions and is still texting her and talking to her. I don't want to share all the details of this situation as DH is a DCUM reader too....

My question is, if we decide to get a divorce, how do I emotionally survive a year of separation in place with an unrepentant cheater? How do I treat him well in front of the kids, and how do I amicably co-parent with him knowing he didn't even give marriage counseling a try? He is literally blowing up a 16 year marriage for someone from his past that he knew when he was a teenager. How do I have the emotional stamina to smile and nod through this, knowing that at the end of our day he's retreating to his room and texting her, reporting back to her what's going on in our marriage, exchanging ILYs, and fantasizing about a new future while my world is shattered?

I know I should be relieved to be done with him. But I have such dread about the separation in place because of how hurt I am. I have heard over and over again - take care of yourself, exercise, focus on yourself. I get that. But how do I reach a point of co-parenting with him amicably, for the sake of my kids, when every time I see him I feel so hurt and traumatized by his actions?

Are divorce and separation support groups helpful? I feel so hurt and so sad, especially since our children will have such a horrible example of selfishness in their father.

[Anonymous]

What's separation in place? Continuing to live together in same house?
It sounds like that would be very challenging, why couldn't you separate and actually physically separate?

Tell us about the AP, is she local? Is she married? Has the affair only been emotional?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's separation in place? Continuing to live together in same house?
It sounds like that would be very challenging, why couldn't you separate and actually physically separate?

Tell us about the AP, is she local? Is she married? Has the affair only been emotional?

Yes, separation in place (per Virginia law for divorcing couples with minor children, no fault divorce).

EAP is in another state. Affair is only emotional but extremely intense.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry Op I am going through something similar but I've stayed because I clearly have no self respect or backbone. I hope you get good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry Op I am going through something similar but I've stayed because I clearly have no self respect or backbone. I hope you get good advice.

I don't want a divorce, I'm 100 percent against it, but I have been pressuring him to chose either the marriage or the EAP, and given his recent hostility towards me, he is probably going to chose the EAP.

[Anonymous]

Hell no. If he wants to blow up your world, he can be the one to move out. You have to be separated for a year before divorce, you don’t have to do it in the same house! Some people choose to, to save money, but no, this divorce is 100% him so he can move out into a crappy apartment.

[Anonymous]

Are you posting on dcum to get him to talk to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hell no. If he wants to blow up your world, he can be the one to move out. You have to be separated for a year before divorce, you don’t have to do it in the same house! Some people choose to, to save money, but no, this divorce is 100% him so he can move out into a crappy apartment.

He refuses to move out. He is pressuring me to just be civil and amicable. He keeps telling me we can still be civil with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you posting on dcum to get him to talk to you?

No.

[Anonymous]

Do you have an individual therapist? Have you read any books teaching techniques for this?

[Anonymous]

Been there op. I wish you could kick him out.

Set up a schedule for who will be in common spaces at what time. A schedule for bed time and mornings. Who does what. And stay in bed or go to bed early or go “shopping”. Leave the kids with him on his turns.

But really he should vacate.

[Anonymous]

Ps otherwise do the 180. Look it up. You no longer care. You can’t even bother to be angry. You’re done.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to kick him out. There is no way he wakes up on the EAP if he can have his cake and eat it too. You say you want the marriage to work, thats the only shot…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you have to kick him out. There is no way he wakes up on the EAP if he can have his cake and eat it too. You say you want the marriage to work, thats the only shot…

How do I kick him out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hell no. If he wants to blow up your world, he can be the one to move out. You have to be separated for a year before divorce, you don’t have to do it in the same house! Some people choose to, to save money, but no, this divorce is 100% him so he can move out into a crappy apartment.

He refuses to move out. He is pressuring me to just be civil and amicable. He keeps telling me we can still be civil with each other.

This is where you hold your ground. Absolutely not. He is not allowed to have whatever he wants. Life does not and should not work that way.