How to survive separating in place with a cheater

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I’m the person who is dealing with something incredibly similar (I’m a woman married to another woman, AP is a woman too). You might have seen some of my threads.

This exact thing is going on with me. The difference is the AP is local and I know she and DW are having regular sex. DW refuses to move out even though we are both miserable. She is 100% emotionally abusing me. Texting AP almost every minute — literally. Sending AP pics of our kids. Packing her lunches and bringing her coffee daily. My DW is truly an awful, heartless person, and frankly I’m not sure how she lives with her disgraceful self, and yet I’m having so much trouble letting go of our family unit.

I guess I just wanted to commiserate and tell you you aren’t alone. Hugs. We both deserve so much better, and so do our kids.

OP here. Oh boy, what a difficult situation!! I'm so sorry. I get what you mean about keeping the family unit together. This is quite a crisis and I don't wish this on anyone. Do you have a support system? Are you guys in the process of getting a divorce?

I do have a support system but I still feel incredibly alone. Everyone has their own lives and their own problems at the end of the day. DW has the AP to comfort her (although DW seems totally ok with the dissolution of our family because affair fog). The nights are so hard, after the kids are in bed.

Yes, DW has started the divorce process (to catch you up on my story, DW wants to marry AP, and AP is kind of the puppeteer moving things along because she is undocumented and financially unstable and DW is her ticket; meanwhile DW is so completely obsessed that she will stop at almost nothing to get out of the house and start her fantasy life with AP). The process is moving quicker than I am comfortable with for many reasons, so I am trying to pump the breaks a bit although I would love for DW to get the F out of the house in the interim.

Different poster here, not the one you're replying to. PP with the DW in the affair -- I remember your threads well. I really hope you have a good lawyer -- please tell us you do! I'm sorry things are not working out but at the same time, pumping the brakes will only delay what, sadly, is now the inevitable. I would want you to have a good, experienced lawyer to ensure you get as much custody as possible. I recall you were concerned in your other threads about the kids being around the AP, weren't you? Please be aware, your DW's focus on marrying the AP might eventually include a desire to "play Happy Families" using your kids as part of that illusion of a family with the AP/new wife. Especially as your DW seems to be in a fantasy world where AP is perfection. I would frankly want to deny that as much as possible. Not deny all custody, of course, but I'd be leery of any attempt by her to get more than her due, and I'd want it written into any custody agreement that the parents cannot badmouth each other in front of the kids. (I believe that agreements can indeed include provisions like that but I'm not sure.)

As for getting DW out of the house, what does your lawyer say? Maybe DW's lawyer has said that if DW does that, moves in with the AP or whatever, it will create issues with custody later? I'd really want DW out too, in your circumstances.
Thinking of you and hoping you can move on and have good support as you mention above.

Hi. Yes, I do have a lawyer. I hope it's a good one. And yes, I am fighting for custody, or will be; the thought of my kids around the AP is altogether more than I can stomach, and yes, it is 100% part of their sick fantasy. It'll be a long process, and hopefully won't culminate in litigation but honestly I have no idea. Everything I am reading indicates anything other than 50/50 is damn near impossible. The whole situation is just so sad and has gotten so ugly (why?) that I can barely breathe. So much gaslighting. So much resentment. So little empathy.

Doesn't look like she'll move out anytime soon due to everything everyone is saying in this thread. She doesn't want to look like she abandoned her kids, even if it makes me profoundly depressed in the process. She, someone who has always treated me with such care and kindness, could not care less about the emotional turmoil I am in. It is truly astounding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I’m the person who is dealing with something incredibly similar (I’m a woman married to another woman, AP is a woman too). You might have seen some of my threads.

This exact thing is going on with me. The difference is the AP is local and I know she and DW are having regular sex. DW refuses to move out even though we are both miserable. She is 100% emotionally abusing me. Texting AP almost every minute — literally. Sending AP pics of our kids. Packing her lunches and bringing her coffee daily. My DW is truly an awful, heartless person, and frankly I’m not sure how she lives with her disgraceful self, and yet I’m having so much trouble letting go of our family unit.

I guess I just wanted to commiserate and tell you you aren’t alone. Hugs. We both deserve so much better, and so do our kids.

you two should team up. Platonically is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I’m the person who is dealing with something incredibly similar (I’m a woman married to another woman, AP is a woman too). You might have seen some of my threads.

This exact thing is going on with me. The difference is the AP is local and I know she and DW are having regular sex. DW refuses to move out even though we are both miserable. She is 100% emotionally abusing me. Texting AP almost every minute — literally. Sending AP pics of our kids. Packing her lunches and bringing her coffee daily. My DW is truly an awful, heartless person, and frankly I’m not sure how she lives with her disgraceful self, and yet I’m having so much trouble letting go of our family unit.

I guess I just wanted to commiserate and tell you you aren’t alone. Hugs. We both deserve so much better, and so do our kids.

OP here. Oh boy, what a difficult situation!! I'm so sorry. I get what you mean about keeping the family unit together. This is quite a crisis and I don't wish this on anyone. Do you have a support system? Are you guys in the process of getting a divorce?

I do have a support system but I still feel incredibly alone. Everyone has their own lives and their own problems at the end of the day. DW has the AP to comfort her (although DW seems totally ok with the dissolution of our family because affair fog). The nights are so hard, after the kids are in bed.

Yes, DW has started the divorce process (to catch you up on my story, DW wants to marry AP, and AP is kind of the puppeteer moving things along because she is undocumented and financially unstable and DW is her ticket; meanwhile DW is so completely obsessed that she will stop at almost nothing to get out of the house and start her fantasy life with AP). The process is moving quicker than I am comfortable with for many reasons, so I am trying to pump the breaks a bit although I would love for DW to get the F out of the house in the interim.

Different poster here, not the one you're replying to. PP with the DW in the affair -- I remember your threads well. I really hope you have a good lawyer -- please tell us you do! I'm sorry things are not working out but at the same time, pumping the brakes will only delay what, sadly, is now the inevitable. I would want you to have a good, experienced lawyer to ensure you get as much custody as possible. I recall you were concerned in your other threads about the kids being around the AP, weren't you? Please be aware, your DW's focus on marrying the AP might eventually include a desire to "play Happy Families" using your kids as part of that illusion of a family with the AP/new wife. Especially as your DW seems to be in a fantasy world where AP is perfection. I would frankly want to deny that as much as possible. Not deny all custody, of course, but I'd be leery of any attempt by her to get more than her due, and I'd want it written into any custody agreement that the parents cannot badmouth each other in front of the kids. (I believe that agreements can indeed include provisions like that but I'm not sure.)

As for getting DW out of the house, what does your lawyer say? Maybe DW's lawyer has said that if DW does that, moves in with the AP or whatever, it will create issues with custody later? I'd really want DW out too, in your circumstances.
Thinking of you and hoping you can move on and have good support as you mention above.

Hi. Yes, I do have a lawyer. I hope it's a good one. And yes, I am fighting for custody, or will be; the thought of my kids around the AP is altogether more than I can stomach, and yes, it is 100% part of their sick fantasy. It'll be a long process, and hopefully won't culminate in litigation but honestly I have no idea. Everything I am reading indicates anything other than 50/50 is damn near impossible. The whole situation is just so sad and has gotten so ugly (why?) that I can barely breathe. So much gaslighting. So much resentment. So little empathy.

Doesn't look like she'll move out anytime soon due to everything everyone is saying in this thread. She doesn't want to look like she abandoned her kids, even if it makes me profoundly depressed in the process. She, someone who has always treated me with such care and kindness, could not care less about the emotional turmoil I am in. It is truly astounding.

You are in for an expensive divorce if you are fighting 50/50 custody. It is really in the best interest of the kids to have equal access to both parents. I would agree to 50/50 and not do litigation...you will spend a fortune...you could spend that money on your kids...instead you are on a path for attorneys to be laughing all the way to the bank while you make the divorce worse for your kids.

[Anonymous]

We were told by cops that a parent can take the kids anywhere in the state. Just disclose and do not cross state lines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were told by cops that a parent can take the kids anywhere in the state. Just disclose and do not cross state lines.

I would not trust cops. Trust attorneys who know how it will impact your divorce case. Cops have no knowledge of this whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I’m the person who is dealing with something incredibly similar (I’m a woman married to another woman, AP is a woman too). You might have seen some of my threads.

This exact thing is going on with me. The difference is the AP is local and I know she and DW are having regular sex. DW refuses to move out even though we are both miserable. She is 100% emotionally abusing me. Texting AP almost every minute — literally. Sending AP pics of our kids. Packing her lunches and bringing her coffee daily. My DW is truly an awful, heartless person, and frankly I’m not sure how she lives with her disgraceful self, and yet I’m having so much trouble letting go of our family unit.

I guess I just wanted to commiserate and tell you you aren’t alone. Hugs. We both deserve so much better, and so do our kids.

OP here. Oh boy, what a difficult situation!! I'm so sorry. I get what you mean about keeping the family unit together. This is quite a crisis and I don't wish this on anyone. Do you have a support system? Are you guys in the process of getting a divorce?

I do have a support system but I still feel incredibly alone. Everyone has their own lives and their own problems at the end of the day. DW has the AP to comfort her (although DW seems totally ok with the dissolution of our family because affair fog). The nights are so hard, after the kids are in bed.

Yes, DW has started the divorce process (to catch you up on my story, DW wants to marry AP, and AP is kind of the puppeteer moving things along because she is undocumented and financially unstable and DW is her ticket; meanwhile DW is so completely obsessed that she will stop at almost nothing to get out of the house and start her fantasy life with AP). The process is moving quicker than I am comfortable with for many reasons, so I am trying to pump the breaks a bit although I would love for DW to get the F out of the house in the interim.

Different poster here, not the one you're replying to. PP with the DW in the affair -- I remember your threads well. I really hope you have a good lawyer -- please tell us you do! I'm sorry things are not working out but at the same time, pumping the brakes will only delay what, sadly, is now the inevitable. I would want you to have a good, experienced lawyer to ensure you get as much custody as possible. I recall you were concerned in your other threads about the kids being around the AP, weren't you? Please be aware, your DW's focus on marrying the AP might eventually include a desire to "play Happy Families" using your kids as part of that illusion of a family with the AP/new wife. Especially as your DW seems to be in a fantasy world where AP is perfection. I would frankly want to deny that as much as possible. Not deny all custody, of course, but I'd be leery of any attempt by her to get more than her due, and I'd want it written into any custody agreement that the parents cannot badmouth each other in front of the kids. (I believe that agreements can indeed include provisions like that but I'm not sure.)

As for getting DW out of the house, what does your lawyer say? Maybe DW's lawyer has said that if DW does that, moves in with the AP or whatever, it will create issues with custody later? I'd really want DW out too, in your circumstances.
Thinking of you and hoping you can move on and have good support as you mention above.

Hi. Yes, I do have a lawyer. I hope it's a good one. And yes, I am fighting for custody, or will be; the thought of my kids around the AP is altogether more than I can stomach, and yes, it is 100% part of their sick fantasy. It'll be a long process, and hopefully won't culminate in litigation but honestly I have no idea. Everything I am reading indicates anything other than 50/50 is damn near impossible. The whole situation is just so sad and has gotten so ugly (why?) that I can barely breathe. So much gaslighting. So much resentment. So little empathy.

Doesn't look like she'll move out anytime soon due to everything everyone is saying in this thread. She doesn't want to look like she abandoned her kids, even if it makes me profoundly depressed in the process. She, someone who has always treated me with such care and kindness, could not care less about the emotional turmoil I am in. It is truly astounding.

You are in for an expensive divorce if you are fighting 50/50 custody. It is really in the best interest of the kids to have equal access to both parents. I would agree to 50/50 and not do litigation...you will spend a fortune...you could spend that money on your kids...instead you are on a path for attorneys to be laughing all the way to the bank while you make the divorce worse for your kids.

You'll have to trust me when I say the situation is bad and it will be in their best interest to be away from the sh!tshow that is their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is not how it works. She needs to get a lawyer or a mediator and determine who is getting the house, if the house will be sold, how they will do their separation and get a custody and property agreement in place before anyone moves from the marital home. You can't kick a property owner out of a house. You seem to have no idea how divorce actually works.

People seem obsessed with this idea that you can't kick someone out of their house.

If there is anyone on this forum that has ousted their cheating spouse from the family home and then was forced to allow them to move back in I would love to hear it.

Kicking out your cheating spouse doesn't mean you get to keep the house in the end.

You are obsessed with thinking you legally can kick someone out of a house they own...guess what? You can't.

I will play.

What law does it break?

How does the kickee enforce their access? Do they file something in court? What do they file? Is there a hearing?

Like I said, if anyone has ever had to allow a spouse back into the home to live there during the divorce process, please share. I have heard of something in New York when neither party would leave, but that's about it and New York's laws are wack.

If I was the OP, I would take my chances with possession being 9/10ths of the law (as the saying goes). There's $h!t on paper and then there's reality. I'd bar access and then maintain that he left voluntarily.

[Anonymous]

Yep. just change the locks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is not how it works. She needs to get a lawyer or a mediator and determine who is getting the house, if the house will be sold, how they will do their separation and get a custody and property agreement in place before anyone moves from the marital home. You can't kick a property owner out of a house. You seem to have no idea how divorce actually works.

People seem obsessed with this idea that you can't kick someone out of their house.

If there is anyone on this forum that has ousted their cheating spouse from the family home and then was forced to allow them to move back in I would love to hear it.

Kicking out your cheating spouse doesn't mean you get to keep the house in the end.

You are obsessed with thinking you legally can kick someone out of a house they own...guess what? You can't.

I will play.

What law does it break?

How does the kickee enforce their access? Do they file something in court? What do they file? Is there a hearing?

Like I said, if anyone has ever had to allow a spouse back into the home to live there during the divorce process, please share. I have heard of something in New York when neither party would leave, but that's about it and New York's laws are wack.

If I was the OP, I would take my chances with possession being 9/10ths of the law (as the saying goes). There's $h!t on paper and then there's reality. I'd bar access and then maintain that he left voluntarily.

Any attorney in VA will tell you NOT to leave the house if there are kids before custody is determined. If there is litigation, it can be bad for the party who leaves. It would be stupid to risk it. It is not that hard to figure out a PSA including custody before moving out...but a mediator or lawyers need to draft it and it needs to be signed. Moving before that and risking ligitation and not getting custody or the house (most of the time houses must be sold anyway) would be really stupid. Laywers make money of stupid people. My ex is an attorney...fortunately, neither of us are that dumb and we watned to retain our wealth and sanity rather than getting ugly with ligitation over stupid stuff like letting emotions rule you and trying to kick someone out of their legal property because they can't think logically or long-term. Laywers love clients like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is not how it works. She needs to get a lawyer or a mediator and determine who is getting the house, if the house will be sold, how they will do their separation and get a custody and property agreement in place before anyone moves from the marital home. You can't kick a property owner out of a house. You seem to have no idea how divorce actually works.

People seem obsessed with this idea that you can't kick someone out of their house.

If there is anyone on this forum that has ousted their cheating spouse from the family home and then was forced to allow them to move back in I would love to hear it.

Kicking out your cheating spouse doesn't mean you get to keep the house in the end.

You are obsessed with thinking you legally can kick someone out of a house they own...guess what? You can't.

I will play.

What law does it break?

How does the kickee enforce their access? Do they file something in court? What do they file? Is there a hearing?

Like I said, if anyone has ever had to allow a spouse back into the home to live there during the divorce process, please share. I have heard of something in New York when neither party would leave, but that's about it and New York's laws are wack.

If I was the OP, I would take my chances with possession being 9/10ths of the law (as the saying goes). There's $h!t on paper and then there's reality. I'd bar access and then maintain that he left voluntarily.

It depends on the state, how far you move, and if you cross state lines.

You can file a TPO in court and the children will be returned to the father. You can be breaking relocation laws, you could be breaking child custody laws.

If you move out, he gets a lawyer, files a motion, the kids are removed from their temporary home, returned to the marital home and you won’t see them until your lawyer has a custody plan in place.

[Anonymous]

I'm a NP, and I'm not local to this board-but I am in the process of divorce in my state.

I have a lawyer and I need to stay in the home with the child until all the legal mumbo-jumbo is signed regarding custody and home sale (spouse buying me out). Lawyer said do not move out now!

OP, you absolutely need to get a lawyer! That does not mean you have to file for divorce this instant. But you need to figure out things in the meantime, and I would not do any agreements without one.