How to survive separating in place with a cheater

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm drafting the terms of the separation. I want a week on/ week off schedule where we switch off caring for the kids, pick up and drop off, etc. When it's his on week, he has all responsibilities - cooking, cleaning, pick up, drop off, homework duty, etc.

For those who separated, how do you handle afternoon sports with this sort of schedule? Is it fair to say, when it's your ON week, you have to be responsible for all kids after school activities without my help?

OP YOU need to see a lawyer to get a actual separation. Don't be your own lawyer....the lawyer will GUIDE you in all of that! Yes there are free consultations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hell no. If he wants to blow up your world, he can be the one to move out. You have to be separated for a year before divorce, you don’t have to do it in the same house! Some people choose to, to save money, but no, this divorce is 100% him so he can move out into a crappy apartment.

He refuses to move out. He is pressuring me to just be civil and amicable. He keeps telling me we can still be civil with each other.

This is where you hold your ground. Absolutely not. He is not allowed to have whatever he wants. Life does not and should not work that way.

I've asked him to leave and he said absolutely not. He's holding his ground due to financial limitations and the impact to the kids. He's putting this on me - pressuring me to be amicable and a kind coparent.

I would have done this if we went to counseling for 12 months and THEN figured out beyond a shadow of a doubt that we should divorce.

But he robbed me of that opportunity. He broke "no contact" during our marriage counseling and has been texting her daily since then. He says he still loves me and always will, but he keeps saying the damage is done. How can he still love me and blow up his marriage for a text-based relationship (he doesn't even see her IRL due to being in different states) AND expect me to be this kind coparent under a shared roof???

Stop engaging with his manipulative BS and stop being a doormat. Get a lawyer. Tell him he can't live in the house while he continues this affair and refuses to work on the marriage. Pack him a bag, change the locks and stick to your guns - I would run that by a lawyer first, but what exactly is he going to do.

This is not on you. Own that and act like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, low self esteem. Yes, completely codependent. Yes, totally afraid and anxious about a future as a single mom. Crying and begging and bargaining with someone who thinks a marriage should be foreclosed for what seems to be a high school romance. He's out of his mind.

I'll research the 180 suggestion that folks brought up. Thank you all.

Breaking up is a process. You don’t go from in love to not caring over night.

Stay in the day. Stay in the moment.

Stop “imagining” single parenthood. Your image is false, it’s a lie. You don’t know what it is like, you filling your head with dread.

Crying - good, normal, you are human

Begging - just stop! Now! You will not do that again. It’s in the past.

You are right, he is out of his mind, you can’t reason with him. It takes 6 months no contact to “snap out of it”. It’s like being part of a cult, he is not thinking straight.

Everything you do is for you and the kids.

No marriage therapy. Yes individual therapy.

Get the book “Buddhist boot camp” read 1 chapter a night.

Read https://www.chumplady.com/.

Don’t sleep with him!

This is the 1st day of the rest of your life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm drafting the terms of the separation. I want a week on/ week off schedule where we switch off caring for the kids, pick up and drop off, etc. When it's his on week, he has all responsibilities - cooking, cleaning, pick up, drop off, homework duty, etc.

For those who separated, how do you handle afternoon sports with this sort of schedule? Is it fair to say, when it's your ON week, you have to be responsible for all kids after school activities without my help?

Yes, that's reasonable. People do things differently, but many parents have a "when you have custody, you do everything" policy. Given the dynamic you have with your husband, I highly recommend a clean division. Otherwise he may take advantage of you and you may have to wind up communicating with him (he might be running late at work and text you and ask to pick up the kids for example).

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I’m the person who is dealing with something incredibly similar (I’m a woman married to another woman, AP is a woman too). You might have seen some of my threads.

This exact thing is going on with me. The difference is the AP is local and I know she and DW are having regular sex. DW refuses to move out even though we are both miserable. She is 100% emotionally abusing me. Texting AP almost every minute — literally. Sending AP pics of our kids. Packing her lunches and bringing her coffee daily. My DW is truly an awful, heartless person, and frankly I’m not sure how she lives with her disgraceful self, and yet I’m having so much trouble letting go of our family unit.

I guess I just wanted to commiserate and tell you you aren’t alone. Hugs. We both deserve so much better, and so do our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do you really have to live in the same house ? I would get him to move out as this will give you space to process and move on. It’s the worst time for sure and the suggestions are helpful.

Again—property and custody really have to be worked out. Up and leaving can impact custody. People need to consult an attorney before leaving the marital home. As soon as something is agreed on with custody and property, then by all means, physically separate.

None of the suggestions to which you are responding have suggested she leave the home. Yes, getting him to leave is complicated, but nobody has said she should leave. Do you have thoughts on how to get him out? I think telling people about what is going on is a good start. This poor woman is being used and manipulated and it will continue to an unhealthy degree as long as he remains in the home.

Terrible idea. If she ever wants him back increasing his public shame will only do the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Can you at least move him into the basement? He is being a teenage boy so he may as well have the correct habitat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me. How old are your kids?

1. He moved to the guest room. This was easy since he accidentally had his text messages go to my son's phone so my son knew about the affair.
2. I did everything I normally do. I did not change a thing.
3. I literally was not rude, just do your thing.
4. I got out of the house a lot, took kids to activities, went for a walk, did yoga, shopping, etc.
5. I refused to fight. If he tried to start something I walked away to my room or for a walk or took the dog out.
6. He can't explain himself. This is on you figure it out yourself I am no longer your support system. call you girlfriend.
7. I knew the OW through friends and made sure they knew I asked him to move out but he refused.

Look up 180 of affairs.

Naturally he refused to move out because of his ego and the girl friend showed her true color and freaked out. He dumped her.

We lived together for 4 years until the youngest went to college and he moved out.

Bought him out of the house and I am sooooo happy!

You will get there. I have a full life without him and you will too.

What do you mean she freaked out? What happened?

Came to our house, knocked on the door. Said if we were really separated it should be fine, right?

That doesn't sound like a freak out. That is her believing him and wanting to come out of the shadows and him telling her what her place really is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I’m the person who is dealing with something incredibly similar (I’m a woman married to another woman, AP is a woman too). You might have seen some of my threads.

This exact thing is going on with me. The difference is the AP is local and I know she and DW are having regular sex. DW refuses to move out even though we are both miserable. She is 100% emotionally abusing me. Texting AP almost every minute — literally. Sending AP pics of our kids. Packing her lunches and bringing her coffee daily. My DW is truly an awful, heartless person, and frankly I’m not sure how she lives with her disgraceful self, and yet I’m having so much trouble letting go of our family unit.

I guess I just wanted to commiserate and tell you you aren’t alone. Hugs. We both deserve so much better, and so do our kids.

Jesus Christ. Just leave this person. Take a leap. Steel yourself and drag her through the mud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I’m the person who is dealing with something incredibly similar (I’m a woman married to another woman, AP is a woman too). You might have seen some of my threads.

This exact thing is going on with me. The difference is the AP is local and I know she and DW are having regular sex. DW refuses to move out even though we are both miserable. She is 100% emotionally abusing me. Texting AP almost every minute — literally. Sending AP pics of our kids. Packing her lunches and bringing her coffee daily. My DW is truly an awful, heartless person, and frankly I’m not sure how she lives with her disgraceful self, and yet I’m having so much trouble letting go of our family unit.

I guess I just wanted to commiserate and tell you you aren’t alone. Hugs. We both deserve so much better, and so do our kids.

PP I practically want to come take care of you and I am not even gay. You will find someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I’m the person who is dealing with something incredibly similar (I’m a woman married to another woman, AP is a woman too). You might have seen some of my threads.

This exact thing is going on with me. The difference is the AP is local and I know she and DW are having regular sex. DW refuses to move out even though we are both miserable. She is 100% emotionally abusing me. Texting AP almost every minute — literally. Sending AP pics of our kids. Packing her lunches and bringing her coffee daily. My DW is truly an awful, heartless person, and frankly I’m not sure how she lives with her disgraceful self, and yet I’m having so much trouble letting go of our family unit.

I guess I just wanted to commiserate and tell you you aren’t alone. Hugs. We both deserve so much better, and so do our kids.

Jesus Christ. Just leave this person. Take a leap. Steel yourself and drag her through the mud.

Like the OP my DW refuses to move out so I’m not sure what you expect me to do. I have 3 small kids so I can’t just leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hell no. If he wants to blow up your world, he can be the one to move out. You have to be separated for a year before divorce, you don’t have to do it in the same house! Some people choose to, to save money, but no, this divorce is 100% him so he can move out into a crappy apartment.

He refuses to move out. He is pressuring me to just be civil and amicable. He keeps telling me we can still be civil with each other.

This is where you hold your ground. Absolutely not. He is not allowed to have whatever he wants. Life does not and should not work that way.

I've asked him to leave and he said absolutely not. He's holding his ground due to financial limitations and the impact to the kids. He's putting this on me - pressuring me to be amicable and a kind coparent.

I would have done this if we went to counseling for 12 months and THEN figured out beyond a shadow of a doubt that we should divorce.

But he robbed me of that opportunity. He broke "no contact" during our marriage counseling and has been texting her daily since then. He says he still loves me and always will, but he keeps saying the damage is done. How can he still love me and blow up his marriage for a text-based relationship (he doesn't even see her IRL due to being in different states) AND expect me to be this kind coparent under a shared roof???

Stop engaging with his manipulative BS and stop being a doormat. Get a lawyer. Tell him he can't live in the house while he continues this affair and refuses to work on the marriage. Pack him a bag, change the locks and stick to your guns - I would run that by a lawyer first, but what exactly is he going to do.

This is not on you. Own that and act like it.

This is not how it works. She needs to get a lawyer or a mediator and determine who is getting the house, if the house will be sold, how they will do their separation and get a custody and property agreement in place before anyone moves from the marital home. You can't kick a property owner out of a house. You seem to have no idea how divorce actually works.

[Anonymous]

I've been there and it was a horrible six months. My suggestions:

-look into getting a 2nd place where you can stay on your non-custody time
-meet with a lawyer so you understand specifics for your state about whether you can move out without it counting against you in custody
-definitely expect your stbx to handle all kid stuff on their time
-find a therapist for you
-if you aren't already exercising, start
-build your life-reconnect with old friends, meet new people, take classes, do all the stuff that will help you start the next phase of your life
-if you are about to send an angry text, imagine a judge reading it, do 10 pushups, and then edit

You will be okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm drafting the terms of the separation. I want a week on/ week off schedule where we switch off caring for the kids, pick up and drop off, etc. When it's his on week, he has all responsibilities - cooking, cleaning, pick up, drop off, homework duty, etc.

For those who separated, how do you handle afternoon sports with this sort of schedule? Is it fair to say, when it's your ON week, you have to be responsible for all kids after school activities without my help?

Yes, that's reasonable. People do things differently, but many parents have a "when you have custody, you do everything" policy. Given the dynamic you have with your husband, I highly recommend a clean division. Otherwise he may take advantage of you and you may have to wind up communicating with him (he might be running late at work and text you and ask to pick up the kids for example).

It depends on the couple. You can do it that way. We don't. There are activities I want to take the kids to myself and I do that regardless of whose week it is. We also have a midweek night with the opposite parent on off weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been there and it was a horrible six months. My suggestions:

-look into getting a 2nd place where you can stay on your non-custody time
-meet with a lawyer so you understand specifics for your state about whether you can move out without it counting against you in custody
-definitely expect your stbx to handle all kid stuff on their time
-find a therapist for you
-if you aren't already exercising, start
-build your life-reconnect with old friends, meet new people, take classes, do all the stuff that will help you start the next phase of your life
-if you are about to send an angry text, imagine a judge reading it, do 10 pushups, and then edit

You will be okay.

I did that and it was a complete waste of money. I would do in-home until a permanent housing plan is established and then move that along once property and custody terms are in the agreement. Paying rent short-term is a waste of money.