How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) I generally think stepparents that rank kids are bad news bears and they are foundationally harmful to the children. Especially when there is a large imbalance between different sets of children. This may or may not be fair or reasonable, but a parent that doesn't consider this when choosing to remarry is neglectful

2) Your primary issue seems to be your DD alienating DH and his children. But why should she care about alienating people who clearly do not care for her? The ramifications of this are extreme and long lasting. She will be in debt for decades as a direct result of your marriage. It will strangle her ability to build wealth. And this isn't your 30k causing this, its the actual piece of paper saying you are married to your DH. Everyone in this situation probably understands this. So expecting your daughter to love and care about people who clearly do not love and care about her seems very gaslighty

3) Your marriage has actually COST your daughter money. She would be better off if you had not married even if it meant you had been unable to save the 30k

4) It is clear you should divorce your husband on paper for five years to at least ensure she has the benefit of applying for FAFSA under her true financial situation. If you don't do this, her anger will forever be justified

TLDR: Your DH isn't obligated to pay, but he should be helping to solve the problem, by either making an 'on paper' divorce an easy option or by making up the difference she would be receiving in FAFSA. If her 'sisters' cared about her they would be having the convo you are too scared to with your DH. If you cared about her more than your marriage, you would be approaching this like a problem solving team and not treating her like a Cinderella to sweep under the rug.

+1

I'm not even saying OP should divorce her husband, but she AND her husband ought to be thinking about whether and how they can help her daughter. That might not mean four years of full tuition, but it ought to mean that they talk seriously about what the possibilities are, and do what they can.

the. biggest problem is that OP doesn’t see where the problem is. she thinks the problem is her daughter’s attitude and not the circumstances she put her in for her (mother’s) sole benefit.

x1000 OP has so many options. The first one, to help open up aid channels would be for her to file singly instead of jointly for taxes. But OP seems unwilling to do anything to rock the boat with her husband and really seems intent on making the daughter out to be the problem. I feel very sorry for the girl. Her mom has a primary responsibility to her, the daughter, first and the husband second. Unfortunately OP doesn't seem to understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

I won’t address a lot of what’s already been said here. If you want your DD to stop lashing out, I would figure out what more you can do (loans in your name, changing your budget and making personal sacrifices to save more money for her college, and asking DH if he would be willing to pay a portion of her college or loan you some of the money at no-interest and you can pay him back over time.) And then I would sit down with her and show her what you have done to try and make her situation better. And I would show her some empathy and let her know you understand why she feels the way she does and I would cut her some slack.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad that your new DH is not paying for your daughter's education. He ought to understand that makes things very awkward both for his stepdaughter and for OP. OP's daughter is the Cinderella of this situation, without a knight or a fairy to rescue her. Even her mama sold her downriver. I haven't read the 17 pages, only the first, so maybe I'm missing some information.

If I were OP, I would sit down and have a heart to heart with DH. Explain to him, since he's an idiot, that his help is needed. Exert pressure. Deny sex. Silent treatment. Disapproval. Maximum pressure. Why? Because it's her daughter, and because evidently he's either clueless, or an ass. I'd be pissed if he hadn't generously and profusely insisted on paying for his step daughter's education, without being prompted. I mean, are they married, or not? If money is no issue for him, why withhold the needed assistance?

What a peach the man is.

But OP's daughter has a father.

thanks to OP she also has a stepfather because of whom she must be saddled with college loans wherever she goes. and her mom’s biggest problem is that her own daughter is not gently tiptoeing around people that they happen to share home with (mom’s own view of the “family”).

And your paying for your step kids college?

no, I don’t have step kids and, if I were to become divorced/widowed I would not remarry before my kids are adults. you don’t sacrifice your kids to get a second class ride on a gravy train.

So basically you're in here virtue signaling and talking out of your ass

DP. PP do you really think there is no problem with the marriage certificate locking her out of tens of thousands of dollars in financial aid despite the fact that DD has no access to household funds?

I don't think SD should have to pay (although I do think he should and as a stepchild believe that stepchildren should be treated equally), but he should, at minimum, be involved in how to put DD in the best financial position possible. Because theoretically he IS an adult in her life who cares about her and has a vested interest in her future as someone who loves her.

2 desperate issues. I personally think college should be free. But that's not what the government says right now. The government says she doesn't get financial aid.
Iso if she wants to go to college she has to figure another way.

It would be nice if stepdad helped but she's not entitled to a $300,000 education from him or the inheritance his children from his previous marriage will be getting

You evaded the substantive question in my post. I have bolded it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's her major?

What school would be best for her major and future career plans should be the concern.

What difference does it make? The kid doesn't have the money to go to pretty much any decent college.

[Anonymous]

Nobody is saying she is entitled to the stepdads money. People are saying they her mother, OP, screwed her up and needs to focus all her energies on how to fix that instead of blaming her daughter for lashing out. And in pursuing those solutions, yes, she should also explore what her husband thinks. If he is a decent guy who loves his wife he will find a way to help here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is all of this so hard for her to understand? Is she a dolt?

Because she’s a self absorbed brat who feels entitled to her step father’s money. Isn’t it obvious?

It’s funny because usually this board is allll about telling the OP that their parents don’t owe them a dime. Even when the family situations are blatant unfair with elderly parents favoring one bio kid over the other.

But now this man owes his STEP daughter 400k because he married her mother a few years ago? Does not compute.

She’s being denied FA because of him.

Isn't FA just a loan anyway? It's not free money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is all of this so hard for her to understand? Is she a dolt?

Because she’s a self absorbed brat who feels entitled to her step father’s money. Isn’t it obvious?

It’s funny because usually this board is allll about telling the OP that their parents don’t owe them a dime. Even when the family situations are blatant unfair with elderly parents favoring one bio kid over the other.

But now this man owes his STEP daughter 400k because he married her mother a few years ago? Does not compute.

She’s being denied FA because of him.

Isn't FA just a loan anyway? It's not free money

No.

https://www.savingforcollege.com/article/is-fafsa-a-loan

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is saying she is entitled to the stepdads money. People are saying they her mother, OP, screwed her up and needs to focus all her energies on how to fix that instead of blaming her daughter for lashing out. And in pursuing those solutions, yes, she should also explore what her husband thinks. If he is a decent guy who loves his wife he will find a way to help here.

This. And the OP doesn't seem to get how college financing works. Her DD qualifies for very little in loans on her own. So it's the $30k saved so far + about $27k over 4 years. That won't pay for any 4-year college. What can OP do to cash flow college payments? What loans is she willing to take to cover it the gap? What loans/cash flow is her bio dad willing to step up for? What can the DD reasonably earn from summer jobs? That is the conversation that needs to happen plus an apology from OP to DD to recognize that her life choices have put DD in a very difficult place.

[Anonymous]

It is free money applied directly against cost of attendance.. The marriage paper these two adults signed for their benefit cost OP,s daughter over 200k in tuition. The absolutely have responsibility to address this - mother in particular but stepdad also to some extent. His poor step daughter is basically paying a steep price for his sex, cleaning, companionship - whatever he is enjoying today and in the future with his new wife.

[Anonymous]

I have read a few pages but no where in this thread was the following questions asked or any of the below addressed.

Did anyone think maybe the step-dad saved over the years to send his kids to these elite schools unlike his now wife who didn't. Is his wealth in liquid assets that he could even provide this to his stepdaughter? Also at the time they married the mom did not now that her daughter was going to want to attend an expensive college or heck even go to college so why would she have not married her now husband. Next how has the step-dad and stepdaughter relationship been?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is all of this so hard for her to understand? Is she a dolt?

Because she’s a self absorbed brat who feels entitled to her step father’s money. Isn’t it obvious?

It’s funny because usually this board is allll about telling the OP that their parents don’t owe them a dime. Even when the family situations are blatant unfair with elderly parents favoring one bio kid over the other.

But now this man owes his STEP daughter 400k because he married her mother a few years ago? Does not compute.

She’s being denied FA because of him.

Isn't FA just a loan anyway? It's not free money

My son’s Financial Aid is free money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have read a few pages but no where in this thread was the following questions asked or any of the below addressed.

Did anyone think maybe the step-dad saved over the years to send his kids to these elite schools unlike his now wife who didn't. Is his wealth in liquid assets that he could even provide this to his stepdaughter? Also at the time they married the mom did not now that her daughter was going to want to attend an expensive college or heck even go to college so why would she have not married her now husband. Next how has the step-dad and stepdaughter relationship been?

You missed the part where the mom works snd pays no bills snd doesn’t need the step dads money.

People think the mom should just use her salary or his money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have read a few pages but no where in this thread was the following questions asked or any of the below addressed.

Did anyone think maybe the step-dad saved over the years to send his kids to these elite schools unlike his now wife who didn't. Is his wealth in liquid assets that he could even provide this to his stepdaughter? Also at the time they married the mom did not now that her daughter was going to want to attend an expensive college or heck even go to college so why would she have not married her now husband. Next how has the step-dad and stepdaughter relationship been?

These questions were not asked because they are not all that important. As if now+ the daughter doesn’t have the money to attend any college. The expensive private vs UMD is a red herring that OP served and which masks reality that goes well beyond college tuition and latest iPhones. Also, it seems pretty clear that OP chose not to make her DD a part of the family in any way (this might have been an unstated precondition for marriage, we don’t know).

[Anonymous]

I wonder how much the stepsibling's mother contributes to their college. Even if stepdad does pitch in for OPs daughters education, it still may not equal what her stepsiblings get or be enough for the college she wants to attend.

OP, maybe explain to your DH that your marriage makes her ineligible for xx dollars in financial aid. Maybe he can cover the portion she might have received if you were still single.

For what it is worth, I don't think you are a terrible person. I think this is a tough situation and I hope you and your daughter can find a peaceful solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is saying she is entitled to the stepdads money. People are saying they her mother, OP, screwed her up and needs to focus all her energies on how to fix that instead of blaming her daughter for lashing out. And in pursuing those solutions, yes, she should also explore what her husband thinks. If he is a decent guy who loves his wife he will find a way to help here.

+1

That's OP's framing (and probably her husband's). It's not at all clear that the daughter thinks that her stepfather is obligated to pay for full tuition wherever she wants to go. She's upset because (1) she can't even afford UMD, let alone whatever college she'd really like to go to, and (2) the huge financial disparity between her and her stepsisters is really pointing up how she's not really part of this family (even though her mom's marriage made it impossible for her to get need-based aid). OP just wants her daughter to shut up and make nice with the man she married (who she hasn't even talked to about any of this) and his kids.