How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

I won’t address a lot of what’s already been said here. If you want your DD to stop lashing out, I would figure out what more you can do (loans in your name, changing your budget and making personal sacrifices to save more money for her college, and asking DH if he would be willing to pay a portion of her college or loan you some of the money at no-interest and you can pay him back over time.) And then I would sit down with her and show her what you have done to try and make her situation better. And I would show her some empathy and let her know you understand why she feels the way she does and I would cut her some slack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad that your new DH is not paying for your daughter's education. He ought to understand that makes things very awkward both for his stepdaughter and for OP. OP's daughter is the Cinderella of this situation, without a knight or a fairy to rescue her. Even her mama sold her downriver. I haven't read the 17 pages, only the first, so maybe I'm missing some information.

If I were OP, I would sit down and have a heart to heart with DH. Explain to him, since he's an idiot, that his help is needed. Exert pressure. Deny sex. Silent treatment. Disapproval. Maximum pressure. Why? Because it's her daughter, and because evidently he's either clueless, or an ass. I'd be pissed if he hadn't generously and profusely insisted on paying for his step daughter's education, without being prompted. I mean, are they married, or not? If money is no issue for him, why withhold the needed assistance?

What a peach the man is.

But OP's daughter has a father.

thanks to OP she also has a stepfather because of whom she must be saddled with college loans wherever she goes. and her mom’s biggest problem is that her own daughter is not gently tiptoeing around people that they happen to share home with (mom’s own view of the “family”).

And your paying for your step kids college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) I generally think stepparents that rank kids are bad news bears and they are foundationally harmful to the children. Especially when there is a large imbalance between different sets of children. This may or may not be fair or reasonable, but a parent that doesn't consider this when choosing to remarry is neglectful

2) Your primary issue seems to be your DD alienating DH and his children. But why should she care about alienating people who clearly do not care for her? The ramifications of this are extreme and long lasting. She will be in debt for decades as a direct result of your marriage. It will strangle her ability to build wealth. And this isn't your 30k causing this, its the actual piece of paper saying you are married to your DH. Everyone in this situation probably understands this. So expecting your daughter to love and care about people who clearly do not love and care about her seems very gaslighty

3) Your marriage has actually COST your daughter money. She would be better off if you had not married even if it meant you had been unable to save the 30k

4) It is clear you should divorce your husband on paper for five years to at least ensure she has the benefit of applying for FAFSA under her true financial situation. If you don't do this, her anger will forever be justified

TLDR: Your DH isn't obligated to pay, but he should be helping to solve the problem, by either making an 'on paper' divorce an easy option or by making up the difference she would be receiving in FAFSA. If her 'sisters' cared about her they would be having the convo you are too scared to with your DH. If you cared about her more than your marriage, you would be approaching this like a problem solving team and not treating her like a Cinderella to sweep under the rug.

+1

I'm not even saying OP should divorce her husband, but she AND her husband ought to be thinking about whether and how they can help her daughter. That might not mean four years of full tuition, but it ought to mean that they talk seriously about what the possibilities are, and do what they can.

the. biggest problem is that OP doesn’t see where the problem is. she thinks the problem is her daughter’s attitude and not the circumstances she put her in for her (mother’s) sole benefit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad that your new DH is not paying for your daughter's education. He ought to understand that makes things very awkward both for his stepdaughter and for OP. OP's daughter is the Cinderella of this situation, without a knight or a fairy to rescue her. Even her mama sold her downriver. I haven't read the 17 pages, only the first, so maybe I'm missing some information.

If I were OP, I would sit down and have a heart to heart with DH. Explain to him, since he's an idiot, that his help is needed. Exert pressure. Deny sex. Silent treatment. Disapproval. Maximum pressure. Why? Because it's her daughter, and because evidently he's either clueless, or an ass. I'd be pissed if he hadn't generously and profusely insisted on paying for his step daughter's education, without being prompted. I mean, are they married, or not? If money is no issue for him, why withhold the needed assistance?

What a peach the man is.

But OP's daughter has a father.

thanks to OP she also has a stepfather because of whom she must be saddled with college loans wherever she goes. and her mom’s biggest problem is that her own daughter is not gently tiptoeing around people that they happen to share home with (mom’s own view of the “family”).

And your paying for your step kids college?

no, I don’t have step kids and, if I were to become divorced/widowed I would not remarry before my kids are adults. you don’t sacrifice your kids to get a second class ride on a gravy train.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know it's been said, but I can't fathom marrying someone who would treat my child as "other". I can't believe she's been living this since she was 12. OP, you have failed.

Agree

So you both would be cool with a huge percentage of funds set aside for your kids college or inheritance going to their stepssiblings?

I have a child from my 20’s and 2 from my marriage and yes, we planned for all 3. Of course the 1st child had a 2nd person contributing a little and that was taken into account.

Also I’m the one with more money. If my H had a child from a previous marriage I would contribute. I’d be appalled if my spouse worked had no bills and would not pay for their own Child’s education.

That's not the question I asked though. You're paying for all your bio kids, not step kids. You'd be cool if your bex husband was going to take money for your kids and spend it on his new wife's daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad that your new DH is not paying for your daughter's education. He ought to understand that makes things very awkward both for his stepdaughter and for OP. OP's daughter is the Cinderella of this situation, without a knight or a fairy to rescue her. Even her mama sold her downriver. I haven't read the 17 pages, only the first, so maybe I'm missing some information.

If I were OP, I would sit down and have a heart to heart with DH. Explain to him, since he's an idiot, that his help is needed. Exert pressure. Deny sex. Silent treatment. Disapproval. Maximum pressure. Why? Because it's her daughter, and because evidently he's either clueless, or an ass. I'd be pissed if he hadn't generously and profusely insisted on paying for his step daughter's education, without being prompted. I mean, are they married, or not? If money is no issue for him, why withhold the needed assistance?

What a peach the man is.

But OP's daughter has a father.

thanks to OP she also has a stepfather because of whom she must be saddled with college loans wherever she goes. and her mom’s biggest problem is that her own daughter is not gently tiptoeing around people that they happen to share home with (mom’s own view of the “family”).

And your paying for your step kids college?

no, I don’t have step kids and, if I were to become divorced/widowed I would not remarry before my kids are adults. you don’t sacrifice your kids to get a second class ride on a gravy train.

So basically you're in here virtue signaling and talking out of your ass

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

I won’t address a lot of what’s already been said here. If you want your DD to stop lashing out, I would figure out what more you can do (loans in your name, changing your budget and making personal sacrifices to save more money for her college, and asking DH if he would be willing to pay a portion of her college or loan you some of the money at no-interest and you can pay him back over time.) And then I would sit down with her and show her what you have done to try and make her situation better. And I would show her some empathy and let her know you understand why she feels the way she does and I would cut her some slack.

Or her daughter can cut the crap and get no money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She can go to college she just doesn't want to go to her dream school. Oh well that's life. If it was that important to her she would have been working on a plan long before now.

So after DD witnessed the steps going to private college, and being told the summer before senior year that she only has $30k and will not qualify for financial aid, this CHILD was supposed to have the foresight to anticipate this AND the means to somehow scrape together another 90k to go to the state school??? This is hands down the stupidest comment ever posted on DCUM.

So now you want to pretend that people are t planning for college when they are 5. You're going to pretend that teens especially top students think nothing of college before their senior year? You can miss me with your bullshit.

Teens aren't exactly known for their ability to think far into the future. Hell, it doesn't look like the mom did much of that, either. The kid might have assumed that like her step siblings, she would be able to go to a university of her choosing. She may not have known that mom hasn't saved up enough for her. Even if she knew all this, what do you expect her to do, exactly? Work and save up 100K? At the undergraduate level, your options are limited if there is no demonstrable financial need, and by getting married to a rich guy, mom essentially closed that door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad that your new DH is not paying for your daughter's education. He ought to understand that makes things very awkward both for his stepdaughter and for OP. OP's daughter is the Cinderella of this situation, without a knight or a fairy to rescue her. Even her mama sold her downriver. I haven't read the 17 pages, only the first, so maybe I'm missing some information.

If I were OP, I would sit down and have a heart to heart with DH. Explain to him, since he's an idiot, that his help is needed. Exert pressure. Deny sex. Silent treatment. Disapproval. Maximum pressure. Why? Because it's her daughter, and because evidently he's either clueless, or an ass. I'd be pissed if he hadn't generously and profusely insisted on paying for his step daughter's education, without being prompted. I mean, are they married, or not? If money is no issue for him, why withhold the needed assistance?

What a peach the man is.

But OP's daughter has a father.

thanks to OP she also has a stepfather because of whom she must be saddled with college loans wherever she goes. and her mom’s biggest problem is that her own daughter is not gently tiptoeing around people that they happen to share home with (mom’s own view of the “family”).

And your paying for your step kids college?

no, I don’t have step kids and, if I were to become divorced/widowed I would not remarry before my kids are adults. you don’t sacrifice your kids to get a second class ride on a gravy train.

So basically you're in here virtue signaling and talking out of your ass

no I am actually comparatively virtuous - I didn’t put my own kids into disastrous circumstances for my own benefit, and then complained about their less than perfect attitudes.

[Anonymous]

Let's be real, ops daughter wants to go to the school to party with her friends. She'd probably want to transfer after a year

I'd tell her she can do community college or state school for 2 years and then if she still wants to transfer she can and you'll help then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad that your new DH is not paying for your daughter's education. He ought to understand that makes things very awkward both for his stepdaughter and for OP. OP's daughter is the Cinderella of this situation, without a knight or a fairy to rescue her. Even her mama sold her downriver. I haven't read the 17 pages, only the first, so maybe I'm missing some information.

If I were OP, I would sit down and have a heart to heart with DH. Explain to him, since he's an idiot, that his help is needed. Exert pressure. Deny sex. Silent treatment. Disapproval. Maximum pressure. Why? Because it's her daughter, and because evidently he's either clueless, or an ass. I'd be pissed if he hadn't generously and profusely insisted on paying for his step daughter's education, without being prompted. I mean, are they married, or not? If money is no issue for him, why withhold the needed assistance?

What a peach the man is.

But OP's daughter has a father.

thanks to OP she also has a stepfather because of whom she must be saddled with college loans wherever she goes. and her mom’s biggest problem is that her own daughter is not gently tiptoeing around people that they happen to share home with (mom’s own view of the “family”).

And your paying for your step kids college?

no, I don’t have step kids and, if I were to become divorced/widowed I would not remarry before my kids are adults. you don’t sacrifice your kids to get a second class ride on a gravy train.

So basically you're in here virtue signaling and talking out of your ass

DP. PP do you really think there is no problem with the marriage certificate locking her out of tens of thousands of dollars in financial aid despite the fact that DD has no access to household funds?

I don't think SD should have to pay (although I do think he should and as a stepchild believe that stepchildren should be treated equally), but he should, at minimum, be involved in how to put DD in the best financial position possible. Because theoretically he IS an adult in her life who cares about her and has a vested interest in her future as someone who loves her.

[Anonymous]

What's her major?

What school would be best for her major and future career plans should be the concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad that your new DH is not paying for your daughter's education. He ought to understand that makes things very awkward both for his stepdaughter and for OP. OP's daughter is the Cinderella of this situation, without a knight or a fairy to rescue her. Even her mama sold her downriver. I haven't read the 17 pages, only the first, so maybe I'm missing some information.

If I were OP, I would sit down and have a heart to heart with DH. Explain to him, since he's an idiot, that his help is needed. Exert pressure. Deny sex. Silent treatment. Disapproval. Maximum pressure. Why? Because it's her daughter, and because evidently he's either clueless, or an ass. I'd be pissed if he hadn't generously and profusely insisted on paying for his step daughter's education, without being prompted. I mean, are they married, or not? If money is no issue for him, why withhold the needed assistance?

What a peach the man is.

But OP's daughter has a father.

thanks to OP she also has a stepfather because of whom she must be saddled with college loans wherever she goes. and her mom’s biggest problem is that her own daughter is not gently tiptoeing around people that they happen to share home with (mom’s own view of the “family”).

And your paying for your step kids college?

no, I don’t have step kids and, if I were to become divorced/widowed I would not remarry before my kids are adults. you don’t sacrifice your kids to get a second class ride on a gravy train.

So basically you're in here virtue signaling and talking out of your ass

DP. PP do you really think there is no problem with the marriage certificate locking her out of tens of thousands of dollars in financial aid despite the fact that DD has no access to household funds?

I don't think SD should have to pay (although I do think he should and as a stepchild believe that stepchildren should be treated equally), but he should, at minimum, be involved in how to put DD in the best financial position possible. Because theoretically he IS an adult in her life who cares about her and has a vested interest in her future as someone who loves her.

2 desperate issues. I personally think college should be free. But that's not what the government says right now. The government says she doesn't get financial aid.
Iso if she wants to go to college she has to figure another way.

It would be nice if stepdad helped but she's not entitled to a $300,000 education from him or the inheritance his children from his previous marriage will be getting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She can go to college she just doesn't want to go to her dream school. Oh well that's life. If it was that important to her she would have been working on a plan long before now.

So after DD witnessed the steps going to private college, and being told the summer before senior year that she only has $30k and will not qualify for financial aid, this CHILD was supposed to have the foresight to anticipate this AND the means to somehow scrape together another 90k to go to the state school??? This is hands down the stupidest comment ever posted on DCUM.

So now you want to pretend that people are t planning for college when they are 5. You're going to pretend that teens especially top students think nothing of college before their senior year? You can miss me with your bullshit.

How many kids do you know who started saving their own money for college starting at age 5??? Sure top students think of college in advance, but they don’t assume a parent is going to screw them over like this. And even if this kid “planned in advance” how TF is a child supposed come up with this much money??? I suspect OP has returned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“it’s just happenstance that we know these people” says a woman of her own husband and his kids. my own maids don’t think like that.

+1

Way to make it clear that her husband and his family are NOT her daughter's family.

I had to go back to the OP and did a freaking doubletake.

It is grotesque and so, so off. Reminds me of the mother from Flowers in the Attic.