Wife wants another child; I do not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what comes across loud and clear in all of this is that the only person whose feelings and desires you have been considering all this time is yours. All I hear is me me me.

The inconveniences of having a baby--all on you. How difficult fertility treatments were --for you. that you're too old....Why can't she want what you want? your desire to get your own way lead you to deceive her for years, knowing how she felt about things. You didn't care about her feelings, even though you knew what they were. You wanted to run out the clock on her and make her accept your decision .You never considered her feelings--how devastated she would feel not just about the kid, but also about your betrayal. You still can't see it, even now.

Finally, you haven't once expressed any sorrow or sadness for your child--that he will suffer because of a divorce. Again, it is all you, and no one else matters. Even your half hearted bs "go ahead and do it but I won't support you" is all about you. You have to be true to *your* feelings but completely dismiss hers.

While I agree that someone should not be forced into being a parent, and while I am not sure I'd divorce over not having a second child, to me the real issue here is how profoundly self centered you are , to the point where you can not imagine much less empathize other points of view--and I would divorce over that. I find it odd that you really, still, don't get any of this and have to agree with pps who asked if you were on the spectrum.

This. Exactly. 100%. I would not divorce over a spouse not wanting an additional kid. But a spouse being this obnoxious, selfish and dismissive of my feelings about it? Yes. That is worth divorcing. That is unforgivable and it’s impossible that the lack of empathy and concern is limited to this one issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not worth what? The finances? Sacrificing sleep and taking care of another human being? The ups/down going through IVF? So, what did she say when you said "it's not worth it"?

Do you ever think about this situation from your son's point of view? Do you think it would be good for him to have a sibling?

Finances isn't the issue, she has excellent ivf coverage. Sacrificing sleep? Yes. Ups/downs on going thru ivf? Yes. She wasn't happy with what I said. She also mentioned the benefit for our son and I told her I don't see the benefit of adding another baby just so he can have a sibling.

I'm PP.. i totally get the sleep deprivation part. I can't speak much to the issues with going through IVF since I've never gone though it. But, there is benefit to having a sibling for your son. It's one of the reasons I wanted another child.

I have two kids - one boy, one girl. Sure, sometimes they fight, but even though they are different genders, it's nice for them to have another child for them to relate to in the family. I told my DC that one of the reasons we had another child was for this very reason, and DC said he was glad that we had a sibling for him. He knows of another child who is an only, and he said he feels sorry for this kid (they are friends). DC said he can't imagine not having a sibling.

Both my DH and I have a couple of siblings. Even though neither of us see our siblings regularly, it's nice to know they are there, and especially now that our parents are old. It's nice to be able to share that burden, and I don't mean financial burden. It's the mental burden of checking up on your parents, of ensuring they are getting care and they have what they need. Plus, once the parents pass away, the only child may feel alone. My DH wasn't on board with #2 until I mentioned how he would feel once his parents pass away, knowing that he had no other close family members left. I told DH I don't want to put that burden on an only child.

So we had #2. Not gonna lie. It's been hard. We had to sacrifice a lot. But I think it's been the best thing for our family.

Are you an only child? Is your wife?

I totally agree with everything said here, but I am not sure it’s enough to decide about having another child. I have 2 and will give birth to the third in 5 weeks, but I always knew I wanted at least 2. I would have never been happy/satisfied with my life had I not had 2... I am sure eventually I would have been able to adjust and be happy, but I am sure I would have always longed for one more. I totally understand his wife. She always wanted 2+, she never entertained the possibility of stopping at one so, apart from being great for her current child, having 2+ is what she has always wanted... he messed up her life in a bad way. I would have never accepted DH saying no to the second... he tried... said he was happy with one and life was good “easy” (as easy as it can be with a 16-17 months old). For me it would have been a deal breaker and I would not have made the mistake his wife made and wait 5 years (and I was MUCH younger).

I feel horrible for his wife and I understand her feeling of betrayal. OP you put her in a terrible and impossible situation. She will likely never have the family and life she is always wanted and this is YOUR fault. You don’t deserve her and not matter how things will turn out, your family won’t be happy and loving for a long time (unless you change your mind and profusely apologized and made appointments for her treatments right away)

[Anonymous]

^^^ you sound incredibly selfish and inflexible. Your poor husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In these situations the person that is not on board with the new child is the one that is in the right. A woman does not have a right to a mans body via his sperm. If he doesn't not want another child this is his choice. Anyone that tries to shame him is wrong. It doesn't matter what he may have said or not said previously. He changed his mind. Deal with it.

That's not the issue. The issue is that he lied to his wife for years and led her to believe he did want another child.

It's okay to not want kids. It's even okay to change your mind about them. But it's not okay to lie.

I was the OP's wife. I left for this exact reason. I was strung along for 5 years with promises of adding another child. I didn't divorce because I stopped loving my ex, nor because he didn't want another child. I divorced because I could not understand how someone could claim to love someone and lie to them for so many years. Especially when I asked multiple times over those 5 years if he was sure that he was okay with another child and was reassured that he was on board. Lying can be very damaging to a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who is going to knock up the OP's wife and take on his kid? That woman is dreaming.

You’re right, no one ever marries a woman with a child and has additional children with her. Her life is over if she’s gets divorced. /s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who is going to knock up the OP's wife and take on his kid? That woman is dreaming.

lol A ton of men that's who! Look at 2nd marriages, many have kids together.

OP you should opt to have another child versus a divorce which will impact you in every way. Wise up!

[Anonymous]

I'm a DW in a similar situation and have somewhat grudgingly accepted that my DH is right and we shouldn't have a second child. Parenting one has taken a hard toll on our relationship, more than we could have anticipated. The decision makes me sad on several levels, one of which is the thought that if our marriage ultimately fails he could go on to have another child with a future wife, which would be so hurtful.

I think couples whose goals are so far apart need to take a hard look at counseling. I'm unhappy but I still love my DH, however I think if I was in your wife's shoes and the love was really gone I would want to divorce you. Counseling could help you guys figure out if you're at that point or if there is something to salvage.

[Anonymous]

I've told DH I was done after two (we currently have two under two) and he wants another one. I am like hell no, which part of I am done didn't you understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've told DH I was done after two (we currently have two under two) and he wants another one. I am like hell no, which part of I am done didn't you understand.

That's how OP should have approached the topic with his wife 3 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've told DH I was done after two (we currently have two under two) and he wants another one. I am like hell no, which part of I am done didn't you understand.

That's how OP should have approached the topic with his wife 3 years ago.

+1 He should have told her right away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've told DH I was done after two (we currently have two under two) and he wants another one. I am like hell no, which part of I am done didn't you understand.

Are you me? Also have two under two, told my husband I was DONE, and he is wanting a third.

The difference between my story and OP’s is, I always told my husband I wanted one kid and might be open to two. He agreed. We now have two. He is now talking about a third. I never agreed to a third, and have been vocal about not wanting any more. I’ve never given so much as a hint that I wanted three kids and my husband can never claim I misled him in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is going to knock up the OP's wife and take on his kid? That woman is dreaming.

lol A ton of men that's who! Look at 2nd marriages, many have kids together.

OP you should opt to have another child versus a divorce which will impact you in every way. Wise up!

Blended families have way too many problems. If the OP's wife does find someone to marry, it will likely be a man with kids. Then OP will also deal with his kids stepsiblings. Headache any way you look at it...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's my dilemma:

Wife and I have been married for 13 years. When we were dating, we both said we wanted a big family. After we got married, we ran into some fertility issues that we did not know about prior to getting married. She needed help to get pregnant and when she finally did and our son was born, I was content and did not want anymore kids. I did not tell her that. She made it clear that she wanted to have another child even though we had fertility issues and would need help again. She said that instead of the big family we agreed to prior to getting married, she would settle for having two children total. I was not on board with that because I was ok with just the one child. I decided to just "wait and see" if she would change her mind but she still wanted another child and the topic continued to come up over five years. When our son was three, she brought it up to me and told me she was ready to try again soon. I told her that I do not want anymore kids and she told me that she wishes I had told her when our child was younger (he's 5 now) because now she's older and she could have had the choice to move on with her life and have a child. I guilty and backed into a corner and told her fine, I just want her to be happy and we can try again. We would go back and forth over this for the next two years, with me agreeing and then changing my mind several times. Fast forward to the other day and now I have changed my mind and definitely do NOT want to go forward with having another child. She told me she feels betrayed and that I should have just told her the truth from the beginning and she also feels like I jerked her around by going back and forth over this as she continued to get older, with her fertility decreasing. She said that we are not on the same page anymore and that we should go our separate ways so she can have the chance to have another child while she still has some chance of conceiving. Why is it this extreme? Why can't she just move on from it and accept that we have one child and that's enough for me? Why should we break up our family over this? Do I not have the right to change my mind?

OP, I hope this is fake. You changed your mind and kept the decision to yourself, lying by omission. Your DW thought, all those years, that you still wanted a big family. You knew she had fertility issues and having her dream family would likely take time and effort but, instead, decided to run down the clock. I would divorce you. I think she would be better off with Windows to respects her enough to tell her the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do have a right to change your mind, AND she has a right to her opinions and choices. Your decision is no more valid than hers. You also behaved badly by not being up front and communicating your needs and desires.

You have a right to not want more children but she also has a right to want more children. It sounds like she wants another child MORE than she wants to be with you.[i] Do you not want another child enough that it's worth losing your wife over?

She says that her desire to have children started from before she even met me. She knows that if she divorces me over this, there's a significant chance she may not end up having another child anyway but she keeps telling me this is beyond the desire to have another child, it's about the betrayal and feeling like I strung her along.

I agree with her. It's the betrayal. Why didn't you just tell her right away? Why string her along for five years. Like a pp, this is just as bad as poking a hole in a condom. The same as having an affair, keeping a secret account of money stashed away, same as losing your job but still leaving the house every morning as if you still have it. It's dishonest and directly affects her. Plenty of couples disagree over their ideal family size but usually both are direct enough to talk about it, not keeping it hidden. Why do you even want to stay married to her anyway? You could find someone else who doesn't want anymore kids. Your be set. Don't kill her dreams any further -- let her go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surely OP is a troll? No one can be this dense.

I wish it was fake, but it's real. I'm about to lose my marriage over this. It's absurd.

Um, OK Op. I don't understand why you still want to be in this marriage anyway. I mean, you lied about what you wanted for years. I'd imagine your want to be with someone who you don't have to lie to and who wants the.same things you do. People get divorced over irreconcilable differences all the time. Let her go to live her own life, and you do the same.