Wife wants another child; I do not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surely OP is a troll? No one can be this dense.

I wish it was fake, but it's real. I'm about to lose my marriage over this. It's absurd.

Your behavior is what is absurd. If you lose your marriage it will be your own fault. Stop whining.

But she could divorce me, marry someone else (or not) and not have another child anyway! She's breaking up the family over something that may or may not happen? I can't understand it.

Anne could also divorce you and find someone who already has kids and instantly get the big family she has always dreamed of.

Look, you only want one, she wants more, you both can't get what you want. Just divorce already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP are you on the spectrum?

I’m not trying to be snarky, but you seem to have a really hard time thinking about anyone’s perspective but your own. Also, you keep fixating on the disagreement over the member of children when the real issue is completely different. You seem to have a hard time grasping more complex emotions like betrayal and deceit and how your actions are a textbook definition of those sentiments.

Just curious.

I was wondering this myself. Either on the spectrum or a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP are you on the spectrum?

I’m not trying to be snarky, but you seem to have a really hard time thinking about anyone’s perspective but your own. Also, you keep fixating on the disagreement over the member of children when the real issue is completely different. You seem to have a hard time grasping more complex emotions like betrayal and deceit and how your actions are a textbook definition of those sentiments.

Just curious.

No I'm not on the spectrum. It just seems like I'm being crucified for being honest I changed my mind and am now unwilling

Ok, now I know you are a troll. Being crucified for being dishonest, lol. If you weren't a troll your know you were being criticized for not being honest for five years. But I have to say, even though this post was fake at least it was entertaining!

[Anonymous]

Every DCUM post has someone who eventually calls the OP a troll...

The ITOPAT Troll. "I Think OPs A Troll" troll.

Don't take it personal.

Carry on.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Trust me, this post is my real life. There's nothing fake about it. Over the past week, we have decided to work things out. I'm willing to compromise and so is she.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do have a right to change your mind, AND she has a right to her opinions and choices. Your decision is no more valid than hers. You also behaved badly by not being up front and communicating your needs and desires.

You have a right to not want more children but she also has a right to want more children. It sounds like she wants another child MORE than she wants to be with you.[i] Do you not want another child enough that it's worth losing your wife over?

She says that her desire to have children started from before she even met me. She knows that if she divorces me over this, there's a significant chance she may not end up having another child anyway but she keeps telling me this is beyond the desire to have another child, it's about the betrayal and feeling like I strung her along.

I agree with her. It's the betrayal. Why didn't you just tell her right away?[i] Why string her along for five years. Like a pp, this is just as bad as poking a hole in a condom. The same as having an affair, keeping a secret account of money stashed away, same as losing your job but still leaving the house every morning as if you still have it. It's dishonest and directly affects her. Plenty of couples disagree over their ideal family size but usually both are direct enough to talk about it, not keeping it hidden. Why do you even want to stay married to her anyway? You could find someone else who doesn't want anymore kids. Your be set. Don't kill her dreams any further -- let her go.

I didn't know how to tell her. I thought that eventually the desire would go away but as I've learned, it has not. Since I committed to one more child, I'm going to honor that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my dilemma:

Wife and I have been married for 13 years. When we were dating, we both said we wanted a big family. After we got married, we ran into some fertility issues that we did not know about prior to getting married. She needed help to get pregnant and when she finally did and our son was born, I was content and did not want anymore kids. I did not tell her that. She made it clear that she wanted to have another child even though we had fertility issues and would need help again. She said that instead of the big family we agreed to prior to getting married, she would settle for having two children total. I was not on board with that because I was ok with just the one child. I decided to just "wait and see" if she would change her mind but she still wanted another child and the topic continued to come up over five years. When our son was three, she brought it up to me and told me she was ready to try again soon. I told her that I do not want anymore kids and she told me that she wishes I had told her when our child was younger (he's 5 now) because now she's older and she could have had the choice to move on with her life and have a child. I guilty and backed into a corner and told her fine, I just want her to be happy and we can try again. We would go back and forth over this for the next two years, with me agreeing and then changing my mind several times. Fast forward to the other day and now I have changed my mind and definitely do NOT want to go forward with having another child. She told me she feels betrayed and that I should have just told her the truth from the beginning and she also feels like I jerked her around by going back and forth over this as she continued to get older, with her fertility decreasing. She said that we are not on the same page anymore and that we should go our separate ways so she can have the chance to have another child while she still has some chance of conceiving. Why is it this extreme? Why can't she just move on from it and accept that we have one child and that's enough for me? Why should we break up our family over this? Do I not have the right to change my mind?

OP, I hope this is fake. You changed your mind and kept the decision to yourself, lying by omission. Your DW thought, all those years, that you still wanted a big family. You knew she had fertility issues and having her dream family would likely take time and effort but, instead, decided to run down the clock. I would divorce you.[i] I think she would be better off with Windows to respects her enough to tell her the truth.

She definitely was going to. But I've agreed to honor my word.

[Anonymous]

Wise decision, OP. Good luck with everything.

[Anonymous]

Guy here - I was very happy with two and my wife wanted three. We were stuck and then I realized that it is her body and that she was the primary care giver. We had a third and I'm glad we did.

[Anonymous]

Let her go, she sounds way too demanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Trust me, this post is my real life. There's nothing fake about it. Over the past week, we have decided to work things out. I'm willing to compromise and so is she.

So...how does that work? This outcome is pretty binary. Or will you decide to try one round of IVF and quit if it doesn't work?

Be careful. Hope can be such a dangerous, harmful emotion. Sometimes it's better once you are able to decide, know, and move on in that space of finality.

[Anonymous]

I think you did the right thing OP. Be nice and supporting. I had suggested previously to give yourselves a deadline (6months/1 year) and then call it quit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here - I was very happy with two and my wife wanted three. We were stuck and then I realized that it is her body and that she was the primary care giver. We had a third and I'm glad we did.

Her body but your wallet. She may want a third but she will also want YOU to provide money and time to care for it. There is more to the issue than "her body her choice" because care and raising of a child will require your labor and body as well. Men should and do have a choice in these matters. Just like a woman an veto a child through abortion a man can and should veto a child by not conceiving one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do have a right to change your mind, AND she has a right to her opinions and choices. Your decision is no more valid than hers. You also behaved badly by not being up front and communicating your needs and desires.

You have a right to not want more children but she also has a right to want more children. It sounds like she wants another child MORE than she wants to be with you.[i] Do you not want another child enough that it's worth losing your wife over?

She says that her desire to have children started from before she even met me. She knows that if she divorces me over this, there's a significant chance she may not end up having another child anyway but she keeps telling me this is beyond the desire to have another child, it's about the betrayal and feeling like I strung her along.

I agree with her. It's the betrayal. Why didn't you just tell her right away?[i] Why string her along for five years. Like a pp, this is just as bad as poking a hole in a condom. The same as having an affair, keeping a secret account of money stashed away, same as losing your job but still leaving the house every morning as if you still have it. It's dishonest and directly affects her. Plenty of couples disagree over their ideal family size but usually both are direct enough to talk about it, not keeping it hidden. Why do you even want to stay married to her anyway? You could find someone else who doesn't want anymore kids. Your be set. Don't kill her dreams any further -- let her go.

I didn't know how to tell her. I thought that eventually the desire would go away but as I've learned, it has not. Since I committed to one more child, I'm going to honor that.

Bad move.

[Anonymous]

She really played you with the mind games. There was no betrayal. Maybe you simply changed your mind or were never fully sure. You have the ability to "evolve" in your wants, desires, thinking, etc. To say that is betrayal is simply manipulation.