Wife wants another child; I do not

[Anonymous]

Here's my dilemma:

Wife and I have been married for 13 years. When we were dating, we both said we wanted a big family. After we got married, we ran into some fertility issues that we did not know about prior to getting married. She needed help to get pregnant and when she finally did and our son was born, I was content and did not want anymore kids. I did not tell her that. She made it clear that she wanted to have another child even though we had fertility issues and would need help again. She said that instead of the big family we agreed to prior to getting married, she would settle for having two children total. I was not on board with that because I was ok with just the one child. I decided to just "wait and see" if she would change her mind but she still wanted another child and the topic continued to come up over five years. When our son was three, she brought it up to me and told me she was ready to try again soon. I told her that I do not want anymore kids and she told me that she wishes I had told her when our child was younger (he's 5 now) because now she's older and she could have had the choice to move on with her life and have a child. I guilty and backed into a corner and told her fine, I just want her to be happy and we can try again. We would go back and forth over this for the next two years, with me agreeing and then changing my mind several times. Fast forward to the other day and now I have changed my mind and definitely do NOT want to go forward with having another child. She told me she feels betrayed and that I should have just told her the truth from the beginning and she also feels like I jerked her around by going back and forth over this as she continued to get older, with her fertility decreasing. She said that we are not on the same page anymore and that we should go our separate ways so she can have the chance to have another child while she still has some chance of conceiving. Why is it this extreme? Why can't she just move on from it and accept that we have one child and that's enough for me? Why should we break up our family over this? Do I not have the right to change my mind?

[Anonymous]

You do have a right to change your mind, AND she has a right to her opinions and choices. Your decision is no more valid than hers. You also behaved badly by not being up front and communicating your needs and desires.

You have a right to not want more children but she also has a right to want more children. It sounds like she wants another child MORE than she wants to be with you. Do you not want another child enough that it's worth losing your wife over?

[Anonymous]

You knew you didn't want another as soon as the first was born and you said nothing. She never changed her mind you did. You took away her vision for her family and she's grieving for it. And on top of that you were wushu washy and doling our bits of hope for years stringing her along.
Everyone is allowed to change their mind but partners care about the other and tell them and discuss it with them as their new decisions impacts the other person too.
So you move on and accept that your wife told you what she wanted from the beginning, was steadfast and patient with you and you changed your mind and screwed it up for both of you.

[Anonymous]

"It'e extreme" because you've been toying with her

[Anonymous]

You told her, she didn't listen. Nothing that you can do. With the fertile struggles, she cannot force you to have another kid. You are lucky.

[Anonymous]

You are allowed to put your foot down and say you don't want another child. She is allowed to say that's a dealbreaker and she would rather not be married to you than only have one. Granted, her position is precarious because there's no guarantee that she can actually have another with her history of fertility issues and age, but she can still make that decision.

I can see why she feels betrayed, it sounds like knew years ago that you weren't going to want another and just planned to wait it out until she was too old.

[Anonymous]

You absolutely can change your mind but she has every right to seek the life she wants. She’s never wavered in telling you that she wanted more children. You now do not. Realizing you don’t isn’t something you have to apologize for but it’s not up to her to give up on her desire. It will change the trajectory of all your lives but in her shoes-I’d weigh same choice.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, you did jerk her around. I can understand her anger. It's one thing to change your mind, but you didn't communicate that and instead stayed silent and then vacillated back and forth. Hopefully each of you can take some time to think through whether you can change your mind without resentment or whether it's best to end things.

Understand that you are being as stubborn as she is. Instead of asking why can't she just understand that one is enough for you and you are content, she can as easily ask why can't you just understand that she wants one more and is not content.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do have a right to change your mind, AND she has a right to her opinions and choices. Your decision is no more valid than hers. You also behaved badly by not being up front and communicating your needs and desires.

You have a right to not want more children but she also has a right to want more children. It sounds like she wants another child MORE than she wants to be with you. Do you not want another child enough that it's worth losing your wife over?

Does she want another child so badly that she would leave her husband over some unborn, unknown being?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do have a right to change your mind, AND she has a right to her opinions and choices. Your decision is no more valid than hers. You also behaved badly by not being up front and communicating your needs and desires.

You have a right to not want more children but she also has a right to want more children. It sounds like she wants another child MORE than she wants to be with you. Do you not want another child enough that it's worth losing your wife over?

This is all very wise.

[Anonymous]

This is DCUM so being the man, it's automatically your fault.

Women change their mind about stuff all the time. You can too.

[Anonymous]

I think it's odd she would leave you over this. But if she truly would there are way more problems than this. I think the two of you are a piece of work.

[Anonymous]

This is very sad. If this happened to me, I’d be livid at my DH as your wife is with you. My husband pulls the same passive aggressive stuff as you seem to. I wouldn’t have given you the luxury of waiting 5 years as she seems to have. It sounds like she was trying to be considerate and patient with you while you were dishonest. It is absolutely a betrayal. She deserves better.

[Anonymous]

This post was absolutely written by the wife. FWIW, I think you're right, but there's no need to try to write it from your husband's perspective.

[Anonymous]

She should have moved on when you refused to take action. You cannot wait forcsomeone else to give you the life that you want.