Wife wants another child; I do not

[Anonymous]

You aren’t wrong for wanting to be one and done. She’s not wrong for strongly wanting #2. You shouldn’t have dragged this out and pretended to be on board in hopes she would forget or change her mind - this makes you a liar. She should have known years ago you were not on board based on your wishy washy responses - I am sure she knew but was in denial. She’s not wrong to want a divorce if she feels like she will always resent you for this - even if she stays, either way your happy home life is ruined for years to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife probably feels like you lied to her, repeatedly. Which, to be frank, you kind of did. You knew you didn't want another child, but on several occasions, you led her to believe that you were willing to have a second. I'm glad that you have finally sorted out your own feelings, but if your wife is not able to get over it, you kind of made your own bed there.

I don't think I lied. I was just content when our son was born and as time went on, my desire to have another child went to zero. Is having another child REALLY this important? Why not just move on and keep our family together? We have a good life.

Lies of omission - you know you purposefully gave her the impression that you were still on board with what you two agreed to.

She needed help to get pregnant and when she finally did and our son was born, I was content and did not want anymore kids. I did not tell her that. She made it clear that she wanted to have another child even though we had fertility issues and would need help again. She said that instead of the big family we agreed to prior to getting married, she would settle for having two children total. I was not on board with that because I was ok with just the one child. I decided to just "wait and see" if she would change her mind but she still wanted another child and the topic continued to come up over five years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife probably feels like you lied to her, repeatedly. Which, to be frank, you kind of did. You knew you didn't want another child, but on several occasions, you led her to believe that you were willing to have a second. I'm glad that you have finally sorted out your own feelings, but if your wife is not able to get over it, you kind of made your own bed there.

I don't think I lied. I was just content when our son was born and as time went on, my desire to have another child went to zero. Is having another child REALLY this important? Why not just move on and keep our family together? We have a good life.

You lied by omission. About a really really important thing. It’s obviously important enough for to your wife to end the marriage. You don’t get to decide whether it’s important to her.
You seem to not listen and just keep repeating the same thing. That might be part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Not to mention is seems your wife already compromised to two from having agreed on a big family.

[Anonymous]

I was not on board with that because I was ok with just the one child. I decided to just "wait and see" if she would change her mind but she still wanted another child and the topic continued to come up over five years.

Now is the time to grow the pair of balls you should grown years ago. Tell her straight up (this time) that you will not become a father again and that you will go to therapy, etc. with her if she will stay. I am sure her biggest issue is trust - and you cannot "wait and see" how this will resolve anymore.

[Anonymous]

You did string her along. You knew that she wanted another child, and knew that you didn't, and you didn't tell her that (even though the topic came up many times over five years) because you hoped she'd change her mind.

You're not wrong for changing your mind. Life happens, and when circumstances change, we sometimes decide that we don't want the things we wanted before. But you're wrong for not being honest with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife probably feels like you lied to her, repeatedly. Which, to be frank, you kind of did. You knew you didn't want another child, but on several occasions, you led her to believe that you were willing to have a second. I'm glad that you have finally sorted out your own feelings, but if your wife is not able to get over it, you kind of made your own bed there.

I don't think I lied. I was just content when our son was born and as time went on, my desire to have another child went to zero. Is having another child REALLY this important? Why not just move on and keep our family together? We have a good life.

You lied by omission. About a really really important thing. It’s obviously important enough for to your wife to end the marriage. You don’t get to decide whether it’s important to her.
You seem to not listen and just keep repeating the same thing. That might be part of the problem.

But she knew I was content! I was ok with the one child we had. Tell me why she NEEDS another child? I asked her if she would rather have the one child we have or no children at all. It seems like she's not thankful for what she has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is DCUM so being the man, it's automatically your fault.

Women change their mind about stuff all the time. You can too.

Yea, I should have known that when I made this post. I feel like I'm in the right and she's in the wrong for wanting to break up the marriage over this.

No one is wrong. You are both making perfectly valid decisions. Your wife had just as much right to change her mind about being married to you as you do to change your mind about having another kid. And I really don't mean that to be snarky. Your wife can't force you to have another kid, and you can't force her to stay married to you.

FWIW, I know 2 couples who split because of different desires re: kids. One realized before the wedding, which was definitely the better way. (Note, on that case he had the balls to tell his fiance that he had realized he didn't want kids. Respect. He loved her enough to do the hard work of being honest with himself and then her.
She have it a lot of thought, but decided she would really regret not having kids). The other was a similar situation to you, except it was the wife who didn't want more kids. Both splits were reasonably amicable. The second couple the DH remarried a few years later and had 2 more kids.

Look, I get it. Before kids, I wanted 3 or 4. After my first, I decided 2 maximum. It's hard to plan when you can't really appreciate how much kids will change your life. So no, you're not the villain at all. But neither is she. At this point, you both just want different things out of life. It's sad, but it's not "right" or "wrong".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife probably feels like you lied to her, repeatedly. Which, to be frank, you kind of did. You knew you didn't want another child, but on several occasions, you led her to believe that you were willing to have a second. I'm glad that you have finally sorted out your own feelings, but if your wife is not able to get over it, you kind of made your own bed there.

I don't think I lied. I was just content when our son was born and as time went on, my desire to have another child went to zero. Is having another child REALLY this important? Why not just move on and keep our family together? We have a good life.

You lied by omission. About a really really important thing. It’s obviously important enough for to your wife to end the marriage. You don’t get to decide whether it’s important to her.
You seem to not listen and just keep repeating the same thing. That might be part of the problem.

But she knew I was content! I was ok with the one child we had. Tell me why she NEEDS another child? I asked her if she would rather have the one child we have or no children at all. It seems like she's not thankful for what she has.

She may or may not "need" another child, but she DOES need an honest husband. And you are manipulative and dishonest. You wanted "keep her" by stringing her along over something that was super important to her. That's just terrible.

[Anonymous]

OP just have another. You are also destroying your family. If you have enough money and time and said you will love the baby, just do it. Maybe put a limit on it (we will try for 6 months,1 year).
I was in a similar situation (minus fertility issues) and convinced/pushed my DH to have a second. This second became the most amazing litttle girl and my DH is totally in love with her (maybe because she looks so much like me ).

I am now pregnant with baby #3.... DH’s idea...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should have told her feelings honestly from the beginning.

I do feel your wife is being ridiculous. Upending your 5 year olds life for an imaginary kid is insane and incredibly selfish.

I generally agree that breaking up your kid's family for the sake of a potential person is wrong, but it sounds like it's not just the number of kids issue anymore--it's that she feels like she can't trust her husband anymore. He basically lied by omission (at least...I don't know how you get through five years of conversations in which she says she wants another kid without at least suggesting that you do) for years about something really important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should have moved on when you refused to take action. You cannot wait forcsomeone else to give you the life that you want.

I told her when she was ready, that I would do it. Look, I love my son. I'm very hands-on and would be with a new baby, as well. But I just can't go thru with this now. It hit me the other day. I changed my mind and now she's going to hurt me by leaving.

You hurt HER, OP. You need to own that.

Look, I get it. I understand your position COMPLETELY - because I was you (except I'm a woman). My first marriage fell apart for exactly this reason - my ex wanted LOTS of children, and once we had the one, I didn't want to have another one. I was perfectly happy with her and to be perfectly frank, he was not as involved a parent as he'd led me to believe he would be. I didn't want to have another child that I would be 100% responsible for all the time except when it was convenient. He was very clear about what he wanted. I was very clear that that wasn't something I could do. He was angry because he felt that I'd "lied to him" because before we even had one child, I told him I would be willing to have no more than 3. At the time, that was true, because it was abstract. However, like you, I realized after having one child that I just did not want to do it all over again. We ended up divorced and he remarried and now has 3 children in addition to DD. I also remarried and ended up having a second baby, but DH and I are completely on the same page that we do not want any more children than that.

Your marriage may or may not recover from this. It does not sound to me like you are able to really understand your wife's anger and disappointment. I would encourage you to talk to her more, perhaps with a therapist, because your previous approach of "not talking about it and hoping she gets over it" didn't work out so well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife probably feels like you lied to her, repeatedly. Which, to be frank, you kind of did. You knew you didn't want another child, but on several occasions, you led her to believe that you were willing to have a second. I'm glad that you have finally sorted out your own feelings, but if your wife is not able to get over it, you kind of made your own bed there.

I don't think I lied. I was just content when our son was born and as time went on, my desire to have another child went to zero. Is having another child REALLY this important? Why not just move on and keep our family together? We have a good life.

You lied by omission. About a really really important thing. It’s obviously important enough for to your wife to end the marriage. You don’t get to decide whether it’s important to her.
You seem to not listen and just keep repeating the same thing. That might be part of the problem.

But she knew I was content! I was ok with the one child we had. Tell me why she NEEDS another child? I asked her if she would rather have the one child we have or no children at all. It seems like she's not thankful for what she has.

Tell us why you are only concerned with YOUR desires with no regard to her desires?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife probably feels like you lied to her, repeatedly. Which, to be frank, you kind of did. You knew you didn't want another child, but on several occasions, you led her to believe that you were willing to have a second. I'm glad that you have finally sorted out your own feelings, but if your wife is not able to get over it, you kind of made your own bed there.

I don't think I lied. I was just content when our son was born and as time went on, my desire to have another child went to zero. Is having another child REALLY this important? Why not just move on and keep our family together? We have a good life.

Having another child is something most people can get over.

Getting over your husband betrayaing you for half your relationship is another story. You don’t even think it’s a big deal that you lied to her because you got what you wanted. You claim both of you have a good life. You don’t even understand that your wife doesn’t have a good life with you. You also don’t care. That’s why she wants a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife probably feels like you lied to her, repeatedly. Which, to be frank, you kind of did. You knew you didn't want another child, but on several occasions, you led her to believe that you were willing to have a second. I'm glad that you have finally sorted out your own feelings, but if your wife is not able to get over it, you kind of made your own bed there.

I don't think I lied. I was just content when our son was born and as time went on, my desire to have another child went to zero. Is having another child REALLY this important? Why not just move on and keep our family together? We have a good life.

You lied by omission. About a really really important thing. It’s obviously important enough for to your wife to end the marriage. You don’t get to decide whether it’s important to her.
You seem to not listen and just keep repeating the same thing. That might be part of the problem.

But she knew I was content! I was ok with the one child we had. Tell me why she NEEDS another child? I asked her if she would rather have the one child we have or no children at all. It seems like she's not thankful for what she has.

She might have known you were content with one kid, but that's NOT the same as knowing that you were totally unwilling to have a second. A fact which you concealed from her for five years. She doesn't need another child, but she needs a husband who isn't okay with deceiving her for years. And the fact that you utterly and totally refuse to acknowledge this, and that you are totally and utterly dismissive of her feelings, tells me that the second child isn't the only sticking point here.