Wife wants another child; I do not

[Anonymous]

This can’t even be real. No one is that dense.
Literally asks why can’t I just have my way and she can accept it. If it is real, your issues are way deeper than a child.

[Anonymous]

If I was your wife I would be so angry. There are two levels of betrayal here:

1) You knew you were done having kids after your son was born but you said nothing. You lied about your desire for more children over and over again for FIVE years.

2) You tried to take away her agency over her own life by asking her to “wait” a little longer to have another child. You knew her fertility was an issue and you jerked her around for years. Your plan was that eventually she would understand that her feelings/plans/desires are irrelevant. I think part of you wanted to wait until her window was closed to make sure that she couldn’t have kids with anyone else - and decrease the odds of her leaving you.

You’re a manipulative a**hole. What you did was no different than a woman poking a hole in a condom to get pregnant against her partners wishes. Sure, both parties deal with it, but in most cases, after a betrayal like that, the relationship is done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is DCUM so being the man, it's automatically your fault.

Women change their mind about stuff all the time. You can too.

Yea, I should have known that when I made this post. I feel like I'm in the right and she's in the wrong for wanting to break up the marriage over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do have a right to change your mind, AND she has a right to her opinions and choices. Your decision is no more valid than hers. You also behaved badly by not being up front and communicating your needs and desires.

You have a right to not want more children but she also has a right to want more children. It sounds like she wants another child MORE than she wants to be with you.[i] Do you not want another child enough that it's worth losing your wife over?

She says that her desire to have children started from before she even met me. She knows that if she divorces me over this, there's a significant chance she may not end up having another child anyway but she keeps telling me this is beyond the desire to have another child, it's about the betrayal and feeling like I strung her along.

[Anonymous]

I think your wife probably feels like you lied to her, repeatedly. Which, to be frank, you kind of did. You knew you didn't want another child, but on several occasions, you led her to believe that you were willing to have a second. I'm glad that you have finally sorted out your own feelings, but if your wife is not able to get over it, you kind of made your own bed there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very sad. If this happened to me, I’d be livid at my DH as your wife is with you. My husband pulls the same passive aggressive stuff as you seem to. I wouldn’t have given you the luxury of waiting 5 years as she seems to have. It sounds like she was trying to be considerate and patient with you while you were dishonest. It is absolutely a betrayal. She deserves better.

I told her I would go through with it because I agreed to it and it was not right for me to change my mind. But this week, it dawned on me that I really can't go thru with this. She could have left years ago but I wanted to keep her and my family. I love my family very much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do have a right to change your mind, AND she has a right to her opinions and choices. Your decision is no more valid than hers. You also behaved badly by not being up front and communicating your needs and desires.

You have a right to not want more children but she also has a right to want more children. It sounds like she wants another child MORE than she wants to be with you.[i] Do you not want another child enough that it's worth losing your wife over?

She says that her desire to have children started from before she even met me. She knows that if she divorces me over this, there's a significant chance she may not end up having another child anyway but she keeps telling me this is beyond the desire to have another child, it's about the betrayal and feeling like I strung her along.

It is. You did.
In her situation, I would be extremely resentful of you if I stayed married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She should have moved on when you refused to take action. You cannot wait forcsomeone else to give you the life that you want.

I told her when she was ready, that I would do it. Look, I love my son. I'm very hands-on and would be with a new baby, as well. But I just can't go thru with this now. It hit me the other day. I changed my mind and now she's going to hurt me by leaving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very sad. If this happened to me, I’d be livid at my DH as your wife is with you. My husband pulls the same passive aggressive stuff as you seem to. I wouldn’t have given you the luxury of waiting 5 years as she seems to have. It sounds like she was trying to be considerate and patient with you while you were dishonest. It is absolutely a betrayal. She deserves better.

I told her I would go through with it because I agreed to it and it was not right for me to change my mind. But this week, it dawned on me that I really can't go thru with this. She could have left years ago but I wanted to keep her and my family. I love my family very much.

I get that you love her very much but you don't have the right to lie to her and string her along - that is very wrong. She relied on your word and waited for you to be ready and you were dishonest with her throughout. That's not how you treat someone you love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do have a right to change your mind, AND she has a right to her opinions and choices. Your decision is no more valid than hers. You also behaved badly by not being up front and communicating your needs and desires.

You have a right to not want more children but she also has a right to want more children. It sounds like she wants another child MORE than she wants to be with you.[i] Do you not want another child enough that it's worth losing your wife over?

She says that her desire to have children started from before she even met me. She knows that if she divorces me over this, there's a significant chance she may not end up having another child anyway but she keeps telling me this is beyond the desire to have another child, it's about the betrayal and feeling like I strung her along.

It is. You did.
In her situation, I would be extremely resentful of you if I stayed married.

So, how can I fix this? She seems very hurt and is ready to go. She said it's been years that have been wasted and if she just knew the truth from the beginning, that I was NOT willing, she would have made her choice to leave, or at least weighed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You told her, she didn't listen. Nothing that you can do. With the fertile struggles, she cannot force you to have another kid. You are lucky.

She sure can’t force him, but he can’t force her to stay married to him. So he may be “lucky” but he may also end up divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife probably feels like you lied to her, repeatedly. Which, to be frank, you kind of did. You knew you didn't want another child, but on several occasions, you led her to believe that you were willing to have a second. I'm glad that you have finally sorted out your own feelings, but if your wife is not able to get over it, you kind of made your own bed there.

I don't think I lied. I was just content when our son was born and as time went on, my desire to have another child went to zero. Is having another child REALLY this important? Why not just move on and keep our family together? We have a good life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's odd she would leave you over this. But if she truly would there are way more problems than this. I think the two of you are a piece of work.

A man who would lie to you for half your marriage about something this important, would lie about all sorts of things. What if he decided to invest his retirement in bitcoin and lost it all? Would he just not tell you for years because it would be an uncomfortable conversation? What if he had an one night stand? What if he had a affair? An STD? The list goes on.

I firmly believe that the veto always wins in family planning discussions, but I also believe that when people show you who they are - you should believe them. This guy is a manipulative liar who does not care about what his wife wants.

[Anonymous]

You should have told her feelings honestly from the beginning.

I do feel your wife is being ridiculous. Upending your 5 year olds life for an imaginary kid is insane and incredibly selfish.

[Anonymous]

she's right, you should have told her the truth from the beginning