Wife wants another child; I do not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It’s really crazy, all the PPs trying to convince OP to be cool with another kid. If OP was a woman they’d be going nuts about how it’s her body her choice and what a bastard her partner must be for trying to change her mind.

Um...how is this comparable? Man's body is not effected with child bearing.

+1!!! Thank you! That it’s why the choice of abortion is for the woman to make! Not the same thing AT ALL

Disagree that this is a unilateral decision, and I am a woman. You want equal rights, include the person who equally contributed to the formation of the baby in the decision making. You make women look stupid when you talk out of both sides of your mouth.

No. The man does not get equal say in whether a woman should carry a baby in her velly for 9 months and possibly risk her life. Once the baby is born, then it’s 50/50. They are both responsible and have rights to him/her.
What you are implying is horrible! A man can never decide whether a woman will or won’t carry a baby to term. What you are saying it’s awful and I bet you support Trump

The point is that they should both be on the same page about whether or not to bring another baby into this world. Raising a child is a lifetime commitment with lasting repercussions for both the mother and the father of the baby.

As a married couple you don't unilaterally make huge decisions like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really crazy, all the PPs trying to convince OP to be cool with another kid. If OP was a woman they’d be going nuts about how it’s her body her choice and what a bastard her partner must be for trying to change her mind.

I agree maybe OP should’ve been more open but the world is not always so black and white. I can understand maybe hoping his feelings would change or hoping something about the situation would change. I also think it’s crazy that some unborn entity is more important to his wife when there never WAS a guarantee that such entity would come to exist.

Thank you! I’ve been thinking the same thing. What happened to only needing one no to veto, but needing two yeses to have a baby? Sure, she has the right to leave, but to leave and break up her family for a nonexistent new relationship and an unborn child that doesn’t exist? And with her fertility complications, it might not ever exist. That’s some sideways thinking imo.

I agree. She needs to love the husband and the child that she already has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you really should have been more direct and honest about this earlier on, and gotten a vasectomy long ago. You should definitely get a vasectomy now.

Your wife is grieving the family she envisioned, and she is being selfish. I feel for her that you were not forthright, but perhaps in time her reaction will change. Infertility changed your timeline, the way and cost of getting pregnant, and it is understandable that with or without those complications people will change their minds. That said, she is incredibly selfish to want to break up your marriage so she can *may* have another kid. The person who gets the shortest end of the stick here is your, HER, child, who already exists, whom she would be ripping way from his nuclear family so chase a dream. That's not the way an adult should handle things, and perhaps she will see this, hopefully soon.

You two should go to therapy.

I feel very bad for your son.

You don't get it. It's not about chasing a dream. Believe me, the wife realizes perfectly well that she may not have another child. It's about not wanting to be with a man who wasted your fertile years and betrayed you. Child or no child, she simply does not want to be married to him any more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very important question to OP --- will you be having a vasectomy to ensure you never have another child?

I really really think you should.

OP - did you answer this question? Or are you avoiding this question because deep down, you think you might get remarried. I know in a previous post (which I asked) you stated that you won't ever remarry, but never say never, right? So, are you not getting the vasectomy because deep down you think you might get remarried and there is a chance that your new wife will want kids and you might be willing to have another?

I seriously don't understand men who won't get a vasectomy but say they absolutely don't want kids.

I know a man who got one because he was really done. They had four kids.

My DH was wiling to get one after our second (he wasn't even gungho on #2), so after #2 came, he definitely was done. Fortunately for him, I had a c-section, so I got my tubes tied. I also knew I was done. I jokingly told him that if he ever wanted another child I would kill him.

Still waiting for OP to answer the bolded question. I think if OP answers that question, it will reveal what's really in his heart.

I told her if she says yes, I'll go get one tomorrow.

Good.

And were you honest with her about why you don't want another child? You said you felt that you were too old to wake up in the middle of the night to deal with a child... that's not really true btw. You're not *that* old. Plenty of older dads have don it (including my own). It's more that you don't want to do it because it's too hard and not worth it to you.

Did you tell her this? If so, what did she say about it?

I told her it's not worth it to have another baby.

Not worth what? The finances? Sacrificing sleep and taking care of another human being? The ups/down going through IVF? So, what did she say when you said "it's not worth it"?

Do you ever think about this situation from your son's point of view? Do you think it would be good for him to have a sibling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very important question to OP --- will you be having a vasectomy to ensure you never have another child?

I really really think you should.

OP - did you answer this question? Or are you avoiding this question because deep down, you think you might get remarried. I know in a previous post (which I asked) you stated that you won't ever remarry, but never say never, right? So, are you not getting the vasectomy because deep down you think you might get remarried and there is a chance that your new wife will want kids and you might be willing to have another?

I seriously don't understand men who won't get a vasectomy but say they absolutely don't want kids.

I know a man who got one because he was really done. They had four kids.

My DH was wiling to get one after our second (he wasn't even gungho on #2), so after #2 came, he definitely was done. Fortunately for him, I had a c-section, so I got my tubes tied. I also knew I was done. I jokingly told him that if he ever wanted another child I would kill him.

Still waiting for OP to answer the bolded question. I think if OP answers that question, it will reveal what's really in his heart.

I told her if she says yes, I'll go get one tomorrow.

Good.

And were you honest with her about why you don't want another child? You said you felt that you were too old to wake up in the middle of the night to deal with a child... that's not really true btw. You're not *that* old. Plenty of older dads have don it (including my own). It's more that you don't want to do it because it's too hard and not worth it to you.

Did you tell her this? If so, what did she say about it?

I told her it's not worth it to have another baby.

Not worth what? The finances? Sacrificing sleep and taking care of another human being? The ups/down going through IVF? So, what did she say when you said "it's not worth it"?

Do you ever think about this situation from your son's point of view? Do you think it would be good for him to have a sibling?

Finances isn't the issue, she has excellent ivf coverage. Sacrificing sleep? Yes. Ups/downs on going thru ivf? Yes. She wasn't happy with what I said. She also mentioned the benefit for our son and I told her I don't see the benefit of adding another baby just so he can have a sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is a troll. nobody is this stupid.

I can guarantee I'm not a troll and this is real. Yes, I'm stupid too. For lying. I just didn't know what to do at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is a troll. nobody is this stupid.

I can guarantee I'm not a troll and this is real. Yes, I'm stupid too. For lying. I just didn't know what to do at the time.

Dude you're focused on really short-term things like the ups and downs of IVF or lack of sleep. This is all over pretty soon.

[Anonymous]

OP, what comes across loud and clear in all of this is that the only person whose feelings and desires you have been considering all this time is yours. All I hear is me me me.

The inconveniences of having a baby--all on you. How difficult fertility treatments were --for you. that you're too old....Why can't she want what you want? your desire to get your own way lead you to deceive her for years, knowing how she felt about things. You didn't care about her feelings, even though you knew what they were. You wanted to run out the clock on her and make her accept your decision .You never considered her feelings--how devastated she would feel not just about the kid, but also about your betrayal. You still can't see it, even now.

Finally, you haven't once expressed any sorrow or sadness for your child--that he will suffer because of a divorce. Again, it is all you, and no one else matters. Even your half hearted bs "go ahead and do it but I won't support you" is all about you. You have to be true to *your* feelings but completely dismiss hers.

While I agree that someone should not be forced into being a parent, and while I am not sure I'd divorce over not having a second child, to me the real issue here is how profoundly self centered you are , to the point where you can not imagine much less empathize other points of view--and I would divorce over that. I find it odd that you really, still, don't get any of this and have to agree with pps who asked if you were on the spectrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what comes across loud and clear in all of this is that the only person whose feelings and desires you have been considering all this time is yours. All I hear is me me me.

The inconveniences of having a baby--all on you. How difficult fertility treatments were --for you. that you're too old....Why can't she want what you want? your desire to get your own way lead you to deceive her for years, knowing how she felt about things. You didn't care about her feelings, even though you knew what they were. You wanted to run out the clock on her and make her accept your decision .You never considered her feelings--how devastated she would feel not just about the kid, but also about your betrayal. You still can't see it, even now.

Finally, you haven't once expressed any sorrow or sadness for your child--that he will suffer because of a divorce. Again, it is all you, and no one else matters. Even your half hearted bs "go ahead and do it but I won't support you" is all about you. You have to be true to *your* feelings but completely dismiss hers.

While I agree that someone should not be forced into being a parent, and while I am not sure I'd divorce over not having a second child, to me the real issue here is how profoundly self centered you are , to the point where you can not imagine much less empathize other points of view--and I would divorce over that. I find it odd that you really, still, don't get any of this and have to agree with pps who asked if you were on the spectrum.

Agree 100% with this poster. This goes beyond the issue of having a second child and speaks directly to your selfishness and, frankly, lack of trustworthiness in how you neglected to be upfront with your wife for YEARS. Children are a major life decision to be sure, and I don't think anyone should have a child if they aren't sure they want to. However, in this case, your wife has always been upfront with you about what she wanted and you strung her along for a long frickin' time. Any person in her shoes would be furious and incredibly sad that their spouse who was this manipulative and deceptive. Shame on you. She should leave you, regardless of whether she ever tries to have another child.

[Anonymous]

In these situations the person that is not on board with the new child is the one that is in the right. A woman does not have a right to a mans body via his sperm. If he doesn't not want another child this is his choice. Anyone that tries to shame him is wrong. It doesn't matter what he may have said or not said previously. He changed his mind. Deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In these situations the person that is not on board with the new child is the one that is in the right. A woman does not have a right to a mans body via his sperm. If he doesn't not want another child this is his choice. Anyone that tries to shame him is wrong. It doesn't matter what he may have said or not said previously. He changed his mind. Deal with it.

That's not the issue. The issue is that he lied to his wife for years and led her to believe he did want another child.

It's okay to not want kids. It's even okay to change your mind about them. But it's not okay to lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In these situations the person that is not on board with the new child is the one that is in the right. A woman does not have a right to a mans body via his sperm. If he doesn't not want another child this is his choice. Anyone that tries to shame him is wrong. It doesn't matter what he may have said or not said previously. He changed his mind. Deal with it.

That's not the issue. The issue is that he lied to his wife for years and led her to believe he did want another child.

It's okay to not want kids. It's even okay to change your mind about them. But it's not okay to lie.

Precisely.

The PPs defending the OP are missing the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In these situations the person that is not on board with the new child is the one that is in the right. A woman does not have a right to a mans body via his sperm. If he doesn't not want another child this is his choice. Anyone that tries to shame him is wrong. It doesn't matter what he may have said or not said previously. He changed his mind. Deal with it.

But he didn’t just change his mind. He changed it and lied to her about it for half a decade. She had (and has) the right to choose whether she wanted to stay in the relationship given he changed his mind, and he took that away from her for years and then dropped a bombshell. If she was 35 then and is now 40, he basically took important years away from her - years where she could have divorced him, met someone else with similar family goals, and gotten pregnant. If she wanted to stay anyway, that’s fine, but it should’ve been her informed decision.

[Anonymous]

Who is going to knock up the OP's wife and take on his kid? That woman is dreaming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not worth what? The finances? Sacrificing sleep and taking care of another human being? The ups/down going through IVF? So, what did she say when you said "it's not worth it"?

Do you ever think about this situation from your son's point of view? Do you think it would be good for him to have a sibling?

Finances isn't the issue, she has excellent ivf coverage. Sacrificing sleep? Yes. Ups/downs on going thru ivf? Yes. She wasn't happy with what I said. She also mentioned the benefit for our son and I told her I don't see the benefit of adding another baby just so he can have a sibling.

I'm PP.. i totally get the sleep deprivation part. I can't speak much to the issues with going through IVF since I've never gone though it. But, there is benefit to having a sibling for your son. It's one of the reasons I wanted another child.

I have two kids - one boy, one girl. Sure, sometimes they fight, but even though they are different genders, it's nice for them to have another child for them to relate to in the family. I told my DC that one of the reasons we had another child was for this very reason, and DC said he was glad that we had a sibling for him. He knows of another child who is an only, and he said he feels sorry for this kid (they are friends). DC said he can't imagine not having a sibling.

Both my DH and I have a couple of siblings. Even though neither of us see our siblings regularly, it's nice to know they are there, and especially now that our parents are old. It's nice to be able to share that burden, and I don't mean financial burden. It's the mental burden of checking up on your parents, of ensuring they are getting care and they have what they need. Plus, once the parents pass away, the only child may feel alone. My DH wasn't on board with #2 until I mentioned how he would feel once his parents pass away, knowing that he had no other close family members left. I told DH I don't want to put that burden on an only child.

So we had #2. Not gonna lie. It's been hard. We had to sacrifice a lot. But I think it's been the best thing for our family.

Are you an only child? Is your wife?