Son only cousin excluded from nephew's wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally think the obsession these days with "no child" weddings to be ridiculous and the height of curated crap. I went to a wedding over Christmas that did invite children and it honestly made it feel so joyful and fun. To each his own, but I think it's shortsighted and stupid. And just wait until those "no children" brides pop out a couple of kids and see how it feels. It's fine if a family chooses to leave the kids at home (so the married couple can have a childfree night) but to be forced to exclude the kids is just sad IMO.

Yes. And the kids no it. My 12 year niece was excluded and she knew all her grandparents, aunts, uncles and older cousins were together at the wedding. She and 4 other kids stuck in a hotel room with an unknown babysitter. Like come on. That sucks.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Just take your son anyway. It won't be a big deal.

No, please don't do this. If they have a seating arrangement where will he sit? Listen a 10 year is going to be bored at a wedding and he would rather be hanging out with boys his own age. I don't think you can leave a 10 year old alone at a hotel. I think that OP should just decide is this the hill she wants to die on for family? Child-free weddings are now the norm. Yes, but the bride and groom had a cutoff. But I can feel her pain. And she has a right to have her feelings hurt. What she plans to do is up to her.

Good luck. And I seriously mean this OP, please wish the bride and groom a very happy future.

I guarantee that there will be other kids at that wedding. Someone will probably even bring a baby. Seriously, just ignore and take him. You're close family not some distant acquaintance they have to reciprocate wedding invites to.

What entitlement.

It’s a good way to piss off the bride and groom and make sure they are both left off future invites.

What the actual heck kind of perspective do you people have? Do you really think a 9 year old cousin coming to their wedding will ruin their wedding? I doubt the bride and groom are as uncharitable as the shrews on dcum.

He's their family! Unless he personally offended them, excluding him like that is uncaring. If it was intentional, then even $200 is too good for them.

…. OP’s kid wasn’t singled out and excluded. The age cutoff for the event is 16 & older. He is not 16 or older.

OP said that all the other cousins will be able to attend, except her son. And I agree with you - he wasn’t singled out. That's why this unfortunate oversight shouldn't be allowed to cause such bad blood.

If I were OP, I'd just take him and mea culpa if that ruins their perfect day, and I'd wash my hands of them. But not going means OP is assuming the worst and preemptively cutting ties.

It hurts when you cared so much for someone (and someone's son) and they can't be bothered to think of your feelings (or your son's feelings).

Since you seem so sure of the facts here, tell us how many times op and her son have met the bride?

I'm not sure of the facts of even the bride and groom's intention vs oversight. But I know you don't toss out family that you care about. They deserve the benefit of the doubt.

Tossing out family? So dramatic. The only one tossing out family is OP who is never ever going to speak to them again. Ever!

Wut? That's exactly my whole point. OP shouldn't toss them out without first giving them a chance to self correct.

Just give them a call and say "I'm going to bring my son so he's not the only cousin left out - let me know if that's a problem". If it is a problem, then she'll know they were always thoughtless people and they'll know why Aunty never calls anymore.

What stands out to me is that the OP hasn’t even said that her son wants to go. So he’ll be the only kid at an adults only party, glumly nibbling rare roast beef and potatoes dauphinoise while the young adults drink and flirt and do whatever else young adults do at weddings. It’s to like the groom will be able to spend more than a few moments with her son — if that.

This. I have a 9 year old boy. He would hate going to an adult only wedding. Wait during the ceremony. Sit still and pay attention. Sit and clap for the wedding party to come out. Make polite conversation with your table. Sit and listen to speeches (which might be inappropriate if theyre not expecting kids as a sidenote). Watch the first dance. Eat grownup food likely to have sauces/seasoning that is not preferred. Then after the hours of waiting and sitting and grownup talk finally some dancing. And maybe cake if its not a sophisticated flavor. That is hours of patience. When they go to weddings with other kids, they will go around with the other kids or sit with them and have an activity like those bracelet things, but that would not be appropriate at an adult only wedding.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here one last time, then signing off - we have decided we are not going. We will send something around $200 from the registry. If our son had been included, we would have given a check for several thousand. I don't plan on going no contact, but I am wondering if giving a gift significantly less generous than what is probably expected of me will create problems, anyhow.

Also, for all those talking about how I wasn't that generous - it was 15k over about10 years, not 15 years, and 12k of it was over a two-year period for college.

At least one of us is talking about generosity of spirit. Instead of sending a $200 gift with genuine joy and best wishes, you’re planning to send it with spite. I hope your son isn’t aware of all of these machinations in the background— purportedly on his behalf.

I don’t think it’s spite. OP is genuinely hurt that this nephew to whom she has felt close is excluding her son. Money reflects lots of different things, OP indicated she was willing to provide for her nephew because of their relationship. Nephew is now telling OP that he really doesn’t value the relationship. I think she’s making the right call in declining and sending something from the registry but not going all out. Going NC would be too much, but I think what she’s doing is totally valid. Hopefully nephew will behave better in the future.

The nephew isn't telling the OP anything. Most likely the bride's family has decided on the age limit, and isn't gearing it to cousins of the groom, who she's probably never met.

This. Nephew's family has no money, so most likely the bride's family is paying for the wedding and deciding. A lot of men are really not that involved even if they pay, they literally don't care. The bride's family did the calculations on who they can accommodate, maybe lots of kids on their side, and decided that 16+ was reasonable. The fact that the OP makes this about herself and her son is ridiculous. Even if her son was invited, he'd not interact with cousins as he's 9 (an elementary schooler!) and the cousins are 16+.

In my family the cousins would definitely interact. Not all families are the same.

Right. So how do you interact when you're 16+ and the cousin is a child, a 9-year old? Tell me like I'm 5. You'd exchange a few words and then go your own way. You don't seem to have teens nor 9-year olds.

I don’t currently have teens, my older are all over that bridge and my caboose baby is upper elementary. I guess you have a small or very spread our family? We have lots of cousins and they don’t constantly segregate by age, especially not at a wedding. They tallk, they play they dance, whatever. It’s a family time. If we are vacationing together or visiting each other, sure, older cousins will go off and do something a bit more grown up while youngers go to a kids activity. But lots of time is together.

A very spread out family….. like OPs? It’s obviously important for you to think your “caboose baby” is like a 20 yr old.

No, he’s very much an UES kid. In my family we have many cousins spanning a large age range and it’s normal for them to spend lots of time together and enjoy each other. I understand that some families split off by age. I don’t know why some of you can’t understand that other families are different.

No one cares where you live and nobody is impressed with your crowing about shoving your oopsie baby onto your nieces and nephews during their vacations.

He wasn’t an oops and I am completely unsurprised that someone with such an ugly attitude can’t grasp a loving family.
OP, you did the right thing by your nephew. I hope he matures and shows the respect and appreciation he should in the future.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here one last time, then signing off - we have decided we are not going. We will send something around $200 from the registry. If our son had been included, we would have given a check for several thousand. I don't plan on going no contact, but I am wondering if giving a gift significantly less generous than what is probably expected of me will create problems, anyhow.

Also, for all those talking about how I wasn't that generous - it was 15k over about10 years, not 15 years, and 12k of it was over a two-year period for college.

At least one of us is talking about generosity of spirit. Instead of sending a $200 gift with genuine joy and best wishes, you’re planning to send it with spite. I hope your son isn’t aware of all of these machinations in the background— purportedly on his behalf.

I don’t think it’s spite. OP is genuinely hurt that this nephew to whom she has felt close is excluding her son. Money reflects lots of different things, OP indicated she was willing to provide for her nephew because of their relationship. Nephew is now telling OP that he really doesn’t value the relationship. I think she’s making the right call in declining and sending something from the registry but not going all out. Going NC would be too much, but I think what she’s doing is totally valid. Hopefully nephew will behave better in the future.

The nephew isn't telling the OP anything. Most likely the bride's family has decided on the age limit, and isn't gearing it to cousins of the groom, who she's probably never met.

This. Nephew's family has no money, so most likely the bride's family is paying for the wedding and deciding. A lot of men are really not that involved even if they pay, they literally don't care. The bride's family did the calculations on who they can accommodate, maybe lots of kids on their side, and decided that 16+ was reasonable. The fact that the OP makes this about herself and her son is ridiculous. Even if her son was invited, he'd not interact with cousins as he's 9 (an elementary schooler!) and the cousins are 16+.

In my family the cousins would definitely interact. Not all families are the same.

Right. So how do you interact when you're 16+ and the cousin is a child, a 9-year old? Tell me like I'm 5. You'd exchange a few words and then go your own way. You don't seem to have teens nor 9-year olds.

Now you're just revealing you don't really have kids. I bet you're estranged from your family.

Answer the question. If you had kids this age you know the 9 yr old is going to get a fist bump and that’s about it. He’s not one of the guys.

DP. Obviously no two relationships are the same so the way you are being insistent about this is quite strange. I have a 7yo and a 10yo. SIL's kids are 19 and 22 and live elsewhere. Both are lovely, mature kids AND at the same time their relationship with my kids is different. 19yo we see during whole family visits and Facetime on holidays. 22yo nephew has a much more active relationship with my kids, especially 10yo DS- more regular Facetime calls/texts, he's come to visit us on his own at his own initiation. He really reishes the big-cousin-mentor role. Neither are close to getting married but when the time comes I'm 99% positive my kids, as well as his younger cousins on BIL's side of the family, will be included. They don't have a big family to begin with and weddings are family affairs.

OP's nephew and bride are perfectly within their right to not have kids at their wedding and I get the vibe that it is OP that is close to the cousin, not her son. But the insistence that it's impossible for cousins with age gaps to have a relationship shows some ignorance.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here one last time, then signing off - we have decided we are not going. We will send something around $200 from the registry. If our son had been included, we would have given a check for several thousand. I don't plan on going no contact, but I am wondering if giving a gift significantly less generous than what is probably expected of me will create problems, anyhow.

Also, for all those talking about how I wasn't that generous - it was 15k over about10 years, not 15 years, and 12k of it was over a two-year period for college.

At least one of us is talking about generosity of spirit. Instead of sending a $200 gift with genuine joy and best wishes, you’re planning to send it with spite. I hope your son isn’t aware of all of these machinations in the background— purportedly on his behalf.

I don’t think it’s spite. OP is genuinely hurt that this nephew to whom she has felt close is excluding her son. Money reflects lots of different things, OP indicated she was willing to provide for her nephew because of their relationship. Nephew is now telling OP that he really doesn’t value the relationship. I think she’s making the right call in declining and sending something from the registry but not going all out. Going NC would be too much, but I think what she’s doing is totally valid. Hopefully nephew will behave better in the future.

The nephew isn't telling the OP anything. Most likely the bride's family has decided on the age limit, and isn't gearing it to cousins of the groom, who she's probably never met.

This. Nephew's family has no money, so most likely the bride's family is paying for the wedding and deciding. A lot of men are really not that involved even if they pay, they literally don't care. The bride's family did the calculations on who they can accommodate, maybe lots of kids on their side, and decided that 16+ was reasonable. The fact that the OP makes this about herself and her son is ridiculous. Even if her son was invited, he'd not interact with cousins as he's 9 (an elementary schooler!) and the cousins are 16+.

In my family the cousins would definitely interact. Not all families are the same.

Right. So how do you interact when you're 16+ and the cousin is a child, a 9-year old? Tell me like I'm 5. You'd exchange a few words and then go your own way. You don't seem to have teens nor 9-year olds.

Now you're just revealing you don't really have kids. I bet you're estranged from your family.

Answer the question. If you had kids this age you know the 9 yr old is going to get a fist bump and that’s about it. He’s not one of the guys.

DP. Obviously no two relationships are the same so the way you are being insistent about this is quite strange. I have a 7yo and a 10yo. SIL's kids are 19 and 22 and live elsewhere. Both are lovely, mature kids AND at the same time their relationship with my kids is different. 19yo we see during whole family visits and Facetime on holidays. 22yo nephew has a much more active relationship with my kids, especially 10yo DS- more regular Facetime calls/texts, he's come to visit us on his own at his own initiation. He really reishes the big-cousin-mentor role. Neither are close to getting married but when the time comes I'm 99% positive my kids, as well as his younger cousins on BIL's side of the family, will be included. They don't have a big family to begin with and weddings are family affairs.

OP's nephew and bride are perfectly within their right to not have kids at their wedding and I get the vibe that it is OP that is close to the cousin, not her son. But the insistence that it's impossible for cousins with age gaps to have a relationship shows some ignorance.

He relishes the role? Hope they don’t spend a lot of time alone together.

[Anonymous]

Right that sounds really creepy!!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here one last time, then signing off - we have decided we are not going. We will send something around $200 from the registry. If our son had been included, we would have given a check for several thousand. I don't plan on going no contact, but I am wondering if giving a gift significantly less generous than what is probably expected of me will create problems, anyhow.

Also, for all those talking about how I wasn't that generous - it was 15k over about10 years, not 15 years, and 12k of it was over a two-year period for college.

At least one of us is talking about generosity of spirit. Instead of sending a $200 gift with genuine joy and best wishes, you’re planning to send it with spite. I hope your son isn’t aware of all of these machinations in the background— purportedly on his behalf.

I don’t think it’s spite. OP is genuinely hurt that this nephew to whom she has felt close is excluding her son. Money reflects lots of different things, OP indicated she was willing to provide for her nephew because of their relationship. Nephew is now telling OP that he really doesn’t value the relationship. I think she’s making the right call in declining and sending something from the registry but not going all out. Going NC would be too much, but I think what she’s doing is totally valid. Hopefully nephew will behave better in the future.

The nephew isn't telling the OP anything. Most likely the bride's family has decided on the age limit, and isn't gearing it to cousins of the groom, who she's probably never met.

This. Nephew's family has no money, so most likely the bride's family is paying for the wedding and deciding. A lot of men are really not that involved even if they pay, they literally don't care. The bride's family did the calculations on who they can accommodate, maybe lots of kids on their side, and decided that 16+ was reasonable. The fact that the OP makes this about herself and her son is ridiculous. Even if her son was invited, he'd not interact with cousins as he's 9 (an elementary schooler!) and the cousins are 16+.

In my family the cousins would definitely interact. Not all families are the same.

Right. So how do you interact when you're 16+ and the cousin is a child, a 9-year old? Tell me like I'm 5. You'd exchange a few words and then go your own way. You don't seem to have teens nor 9-year olds.

I don’t currently have teens, my older are all over that bridge and my caboose baby is upper elementary. I guess you have a small or very spread our family? We have lots of cousins and they don’t constantly segregate by age, especially not at a wedding. They tallk, they play they dance, whatever. It’s a family time. If we are vacationing together or visiting each other, sure, older cousins will go off and do something a bit more grown up while youngers go to a kids activity. But lots of time is together.

A very spread out family….. like OPs? It’s obviously important for you to think your “caboose baby” is like a 20 yr old.

No, he’s very much an UES kid. In my family we have many cousins spanning a large age range and it’s normal for them to spend lots of time together and enjoy each other. I understand that some families split off by age. I don’t know why some of you can’t understand that other families are different.

No one cares where you live and nobody is impressed with your crowing about shoving your oopsie baby onto your nieces and nephews during their vacations.

He wasn’t an oops and I am completely unsurprised that someone with such an ugly attitude can’t grasp a loving family.
OP, you did the right thing by your nephew. I hope he matures and shows the respect and appreciation he should in the future.

Ugly attitude is you trying to parentify your adult nieces and nephews every chance you get

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Just take your son anyway. It won't be a big deal.

No, please don't do this. If they have a seating arrangement where will he sit? Listen a 10 year is going to be bored at a wedding and he would rather be hanging out with boys his own age. I don't think you can leave a 10 year old alone at a hotel. I think that OP should just decide is this the hill she wants to die on for family? Child-free weddings are now the norm. Yes, but the bride and groom had a cutoff. But I can feel her pain. And she has a right to have her feelings hurt. What she plans to do is up to her.

Good luck. And I seriously mean this OP, please wish the bride and groom a very happy future.

I guarantee that there will be other kids at that wedding. Someone will probably even bring a baby. Seriously, just ignore and take him. You're close family not some distant acquaintance they have to reciprocate wedding invites to.

What entitlement.

It’s a good way to piss off the bride and groom and make sure they are both left off future invites.

What the actual heck kind of perspective do you people have? Do you really think a 9 year old cousin coming to their wedding will ruin their wedding? I doubt the bride and groom are as uncharitable as the shrews on dcum.

He's their family! Unless he personally offended them, excluding him like that is uncaring. If it was intentional, then even $200 is too good for them.

…. OP’s kid wasn’t singled out and excluded. The age cutoff for the event is 16 & older. He is not 16 or older.

OP said that all the other cousins will be able to attend, except her son. And I agree with you - he wasn’t singled out. That's why this unfortunate oversight shouldn't be allowed to cause such bad blood.

If I were OP, I'd just take him and mea culpa if that ruins their perfect day, and I'd wash my hands of them. But not going means OP is assuming the worst and preemptively cutting ties.

It hurts when you cared so much for someone (and someone's son) and they can't be bothered to think of your feelings (or your son's feelings).

What kind of barn were you raised in that you think the best next step is to fly halfway across the country to show up with the 9 year old, unannounced?

OP needs to call her sibling or the nephew if it is really that big of a deal that her 9 year old did not make a clear age cutoff and ask what the deal is. Incredibly gauche, but then again, OP is a weirdo for centering themself into something that has nothing to do with them and is not a personal attack, so who cares at this point.

Yes it is 'gauche'. But I care more about my family than decorum.

The median age of a groom in a first time marriage is 30. I am pretty sure he didn't think OP would be ranting and raving on the internet about a legitimate and common age cut-off for a formal event. OP has shown their azz with their behavior. With family like OP, better for them not to be around.

The groom doesnt GAF if the kid attends, I gurantee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here one last time, then signing off - we have decided we are not going. We will send something around $200 from the registry. If our son had been included, we would have given a check for several thousand. I don't plan on going no contact, but I am wondering if giving a gift significantly less generous than what is probably expected of me will create problems, anyhow.

Also, for all those talking about how I wasn't that generous - it was 15k over about10 years, not 15 years, and 12k of it was over a two-year period for college.

You are taking this way too personally and attaching too much emotion to your financial support. If you don't get a handle on this, your kid (and/or grandkids) are going to really devastate you, when they ultimately disappoint you.

[Anonymous]

What does the $15k have to do with anything?

Anyways, Don’t attend. Your child is nine and they have a 16+ age request.

Easy.

[Anonymous]

Is it a formal reception? Are the cousins close?

If the cousins are close, nephew should have had a good sense to not exclude just one cousin and should have sent a private note to aunt that he and the bride made an exception for the 9yo because he and aunt are close family.

If making an exception for OP’s son would mean making an exception for a bunch of cousins on the bride’s side, that’s something that OP’s sibling could convey to OP so that OP knows her feelings were considered. That’s what you do for a close aunt and her family. If you do not think you are close, do not accept $$.

15K is typically not trivial. It’s not the $ per se that is a factor here, but $ signifies how much the aunt cares for the nephew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it a formal reception? Are the cousins close?

If the cousins are close, nephew should have had a good sense to not exclude just one cousin and should have sent a private note to aunt that he and the bride made an exception for the 9yo because he and aunt are close family.

If making an exception for OP’s son would mean making an exception for a bunch of cousins on the bride’s side, that’s something that OP’s sibling could convey to OP so that OP knows her feelings were considered. That’s what you do for a close aunt and her family. If you do not think you are close, do not accept $$.

15K is typically not trivial. It’s not the $ per se that is a factor here, but $ signifies how much the aunt cares for the nephew.

Ehhh.
The whole $15k thing reads as if the nephew should make an exception for OP’s nine year old kid

[Anonymous]

OP don’t look a gift horse in the mouth! You can decline, send a gift and let go of your feelings of obligation to give this extended branch of your family money. I’m sure that your 9 year old would prefer you put the next 15 K into savings for him or if you feel you have to spend it, take your nuclear family on a great vacation!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here one last time, then signing off - we have decided we are not going. We will send something around $200 from the registry. If our son had been included, we would have given a check for several thousand. I don't plan on going no contact, but I am wondering if giving a gift significantly less generous than what is probably expected of me will create problems, anyhow.

Also, for all those talking about how I wasn't that generous - it was 15k over about10 years, not 15 years, and 12k of it was over a two-year period for college.

This is why I never take money from family/anyone. Did they ask for it or did you just say, let me help you out? You choose to give it, you don't need to throw it up to them years later.

Just don't go. Simple.

This is so true.
Two family members are currently not speaking over borrowed - gifted - money.

It’s the messiest chit ever. Going on year 1716262773.

We def do not accept $$ for anyone ever. Nope.

[Anonymous]

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