Son only cousin excluded from nephew's wedding

[Anonymous]

Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd feel bad as well, they're nuts for not including your son, they could have made an exception given you were so nice to him.

I wouldn't go and would go no contact if I were you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd feel bad as well, they're nuts for not including your son, they could have made an exception given you were so nice to him.

I wouldn't go and would go no contact if I were you.

This has to be OP talking to herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

From one of OPs updates she was worried that if she only gave the couple a $200 gift when they will expect thousands from her. This is either in their head or the extended relatives need to stop expecting large sums of money. If the nephew or his parents will be upset that OP didn’t give them thousands then screw them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

From one of OPs updates she was worried that if she only gave the couple a $200 gift when they will expect thousands from her. This is either in their head or the extended relatives need to stop expecting large sums of money. If the nephew or his parents will be upset that OP didn’t give them thousands then screw them.

This sounds like an issue between OP and her sibling, the nephew's parent. If she had been giving money to him since he was a child that's not his problem. That's an arrangement among the adults. And if the sibling is broke they probably aren't contributing much to this wedding and have very little say in the invite list. OP is barking up the wrong tree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

From one of OPs updates she was worried that if she only gave the couple a $200 gift when they will expect thousands from her. This is either in their head or the extended relatives need to stop expecting large sums of money. If the nephew or his parents will be upset that OP didn’t give them thousands then screw them.

That is NOT what the OP said at all. She said she'll buy them a $200 gift from the registry as a f* you and would have otherwise given them thousands.

[Anonymous]

This is what she said:
OP here one last time, then signing off - we have decided we are not going. We will send something around $200 from the registry. If our son had been included, we would have given a check for several thousand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what she said:
OP here one last time, then signing off - we have decided we are not going. We will send something around $200 from the registry. If our son had been included, we would have given a check for several thousand.

OP is a relative who likes to control people with money. If they aren't going they don't need to send a gift.

[Anonymous]

No, all the money stuff is trying to concretize the gut punch of realizing you cared about someone, tried to help them along the way and that effort didn’t also form a bond between them. Not saying money should purchase that bond. Just this is a check along the way that yielded unexpected info.

Or, the groom is out of the loop for the wedding and in general.

If they were trying to exclude her son, they could have established a cut off of 12 or even 10. Absolutely not personal, clearly there are a bunch of kids and they drew a line.

No contact would be ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, all the money stuff is trying to concretize the gut punch of realizing you cared about someone, tried to help them along the way and that effort didn’t also form a bond between them. Not saying money should purchase that bond. Just this is a check along the way that yielded unexpected info.

Or, the groom is out of the loop for the wedding and in general.

If they were trying to exclude her son, they could have established a cut off of 12 or even 10. Absolutely not personal, clearly there are a bunch of kids and they drew a line.

No contact would be ridiculous.

So she tried to buy the nephew’s interest in her son? That’s effed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

Sure. This is all a big fat nothing-burger.

Coming from a loving and functional family - there was no way in hell ANYONE in the family would have ever had these kinds of arbitrary requirements for any celebration that excluded family members.

I find this hilarious that people have no shame when they take gifts and then insist that gifts does not deserve reciprocity.

Anyways, my recommendation stands - OP should neither attend, she should not send any gift and if asked why she is not attending she should make it clear that her child was excluded.

I love my parents, siblings, ILs...but I love my DH and my own kids more than them.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps the nephew assumes he will be gifting OP,s son equivalent monetary gifts in upcoming years and that's how he reciprocates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

Sure. This is all a big fat nothing-burger.

Coming from a loving and functional family - there was no way in hell ANYONE in the family would have ever had these kinds of arbitrary requirements for any celebration that excluded family members.

I find this hilarious that people have no shame when they take gifts and then insist that gifts does not deserve reciprocity.

Anyways, my recommendation stands - OP should neither attend, she should not send any gift and if asked why she is not attending she should make it clear that her child was excluded.

I love my parents, siblings, ILs...but I love my DH and my own kids more than them.

I’m sure the bride and groom feel the same. This is just a cousin and the bride barely knows him. OP hasn’t mentioned any relationship whatsoever between her son and the bride. Immediate family always comes first, duh.

[Anonymous]

On page 4 of this hot mess, the OP wrote: “It’s not so much that I expect something for it, but that this lack of an invitation for my child and lack of conversation about it initiated by him indicates to me that we are not actually close at all.”

So, the OP has an issue and makes a LOT of negative assumptions about it — yet feels SO close to her nephew that she hasn’t bothered to communicate with him in any way. I could flip it and say that the OP’s inability to initiate a conversation of some sort with her nephew or even with her sibling indicates to me that the OP is not only centering herself. but expecting her nephew to magically read her mind.

If this isn’t trolling, I think the nephew, the OP, and the OP’s son are all better off if the OP’s family stays home and sends a gift. If the son, at some point, wants to be closer to his extended family, I hope his communication skills are better than the OP’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd feel bad as well, they're nuts for not including your son, they could have made an exception given you were so nice to him.

I wouldn't go and would go no contact if I were you.

Yes, this makes a lot of sense. "I really want my only child to be close to his cousins! Let's cut off all contact with them."