How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Accept your spouse, with all their warts and limitations. Look at your spouse with empathy. If you know they are struggling, then help. Be a team. Find the good in the initiative to start a task and know that 3/4 of the way done if better then none.

Unclench control and perfectionism. Seriously. It’s laundry.

When does she get help? When does she get acceptance for wanting a clean house and to not be doing an overwhelming amount of the work? Why does this call for empathy only go one way?

Exactly. My empathy well has run dry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Accept your spouse, with all their warts and limitations. Look at your spouse with empathy. If you know they are struggling, then help. Be a team. Find the good in the initiative to start a task and know that 3/4 of the way done if better then none.

Unclench control and perfectionism. Seriously. It’s laundry.

Seriously, laundry is just one example. It's actually everything.

Sometimes 3/4 is not better than none, if he's going to be such a man-baby then being divorced might be easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Accept your spouse, with all their warts and limitations. Look at your spouse with empathy. If you know they are struggling, then help. Be a team. Find the good in the initiative to start a task and know that 3/4 of the way done if better then none.

Unclench control and perfectionism. Seriously. It’s laundry.

I dont know. Where is the line between “accepting” and “enabling?”

I mean, I’m assuming that if I died, DH would figure out how to do the laundry. It’s not like he’s incapable. By finishing these tasks without complaint, am I “accepting his limitations,” or am I enabling and encouraging maladaptive behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Laundry * 100 other basic failures a week, every week, every month, every year.

They’re like a child but one that can’t learn.

There’s like a dog but one that cannot be house-trained.

Damn.
But true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Accept your spouse, with all their warts and limitations. Look at your spouse with empathy. If you know they are struggling, then help. Be a team. Find the good in the initiative to start a task and know that 3/4 of the way done if better then none.

Unclench control and perfectionism. Seriously. It’s laundry.

Seriously, laundry is just one example. It's actually everything.

Sometimes 3/4 is not better than none, if he's going to be such a man-baby then being divorced might be easier.

Agree

This profile of individual is not roommate material, not parent material, and it marriage material.

They’re a charity case that never got professional help at any age of their disorders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Accept your spouse, with all their warts and limitations. Look at your spouse with empathy. If you know they are struggling, then help. Be a team. Find the good in the initiative to start a task and know that 3/4 of the way done if better then none.

Unclench control and perfectionism. Seriously. It’s laundry.

I dont know. Where is the line between “accepting” and “enabling?”

I mean, I’m assuming that if I died, DH would figure out how to do the laundry. It’s not like he’s incapable. By finishing these tasks without complaint, am I “accepting his limitations,” or am I enabling and encouraging maladaptive behavior?

Incorrect assumption.

He’d parentify the kids to do it, move in his old mother to mommy him, or quickly court a milk maid to move in with him and mommy him, play house, raise the kids.

Thats what Peter Pan misogynists do when you die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try really hard to give my DH partial credit.

He’s never ever going to turn into the partner I thought he was going to be, and I’ve tried really hard to let it go.

DP but OP I think you either embrace radical acceptance or divorce and miss his 80% perhaps. I may have missed it but do you have kids? If not, I'd be more inclined to get out. I think it shows a fundamental disrespect for you. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Accept your spouse, with all their warts and limitations. Look at your spouse with empathy. If you know they are struggling, then help. Be a team. Find the good in the initiative to start a task and know that 3/4 of the way done if better then none.

Unclench control and perfectionism. Seriously. It’s laundry.

I dont know. Where is the line between “accepting” and “enabling?”

I mean, I’m assuming that if I died, DH would figure out how to do the laundry. It’s not like he’s incapable. By finishing these tasks without complaint, am I “accepting his limitations,” or am I enabling and encouraging maladaptive behavior?

Sorry I missed the part about what he does when you don’t “accept his limitations” and then he rages at you.

What happens next?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try really hard to give my DH partial credit.

He’s never ever going to turn into the partner I thought he was going to be, and I’ve tried really hard to let it go.

DP but OP I think you either embrace radical acceptance or divorce and miss his 80% perhaps. I may have missed it but do you have kids? If not, I'd be more inclined to get out. I think it shows a fundamental disrespect for you. I'm sorry.

Come on folks.

This situation is 90% of Gray Divorces. A loser husband, whom the functional wife protected the kids from and did everything for the family herself until they all got to college. Then she’s free.

In the past she’d finally be free when he died. Nowadays, when the writing is on the way that he’d be a terrible coparent and homeowner when married or coparenting, it’s Gray Divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Can anything be hired out - send out laundry, etc.? That, plus accept reality or leave are really your only options. Talking has not produced sustained change, so that is unlikely to be successful. If there are other pluses, like financial security, I'd go with adjusting expectations. If on balance, there are not, get out and enjoy your peace, esp once kids leave home. I'm not sure that the expectation of 50/50 when both work FT out of the home has really worked for our generation, there are only so many hours in the day and you are not alone in feeling resentful, OP.

[Anonymous]

I am a working mom but this thread reads to me like like an argument for one spouse to focus on the home and one outside it. I don’t care which gender does what.

Wages for Housework was right.

But it’s too late for me so I accept it and advocate for what I need. Most of the time it’s ok but perhaps I’m luckier than most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Accept your spouse, with all their warts and limitations. Look at your spouse with empathy. If you know they are struggling, then help. Be a team. Find the good in the initiative to start a task and know that 3/4 of the way done if better then none.

Unclench control and perfectionism. Seriously. It’s laundry.

I dont know. Where is the line between “accepting” and “enabling?”

I mean, I’m assuming that if I died, DH would figure out how to do the laundry. It’s not like he’s incapable. By finishing these tasks without complaint, am I “accepting his limitations,” or am I enabling and encouraging maladaptive behavior?

Sorry I missed the part about what he does when you don’t “accept his limitations” and then he rages at you.

What happens next?

I don’t know.
My thought is that a man living with this internalized misogyny and ADHD is like someone who is living life with both legs paralyzed. Most of these men could do fine, but they refuse to acknowledge it and use a wheelchair or make any accommodations.
If everyone runs around doing everything and pretending that these men are not dragging themselves around on the floor, then you are allowing them to live in this way that is not great for them or for you.

But yeah, when you acknowledge the reality they are trying to deny (“look, we all know your legs are paralyzed”), then they might get angry, or, like some posters, these men might try to act normally without having to acknowledge that they are paralyzed and get exhausted and quit.

I am saying this to myself as much as anyone, but even if it causes marital strife, I don’t think the answer is to collude in denying reality and watch your husband live his life slithering around on the floor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a working mom but this thread reads to me like like an argument for one spouse to focus on the home and one outside it. I don’t care which gender does what.

Wages for Housework was right.

But it’s too late for me so I accept it and advocate for what I need. Most of the time it’s ok but perhaps I’m luckier than most.

Unclear what such an incompetent person would do well in or out of the house.

A deadweight is a deadweight.

Prob makes low income too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Accept your spouse, with all their warts and limitations. Look at your spouse with empathy. If you know they are struggling, then help. Be a team. Find the good in the initiative to start a task and know that 3/4 of the way done if better then none.

Unclench control and perfectionism. Seriously. It’s laundry.

Seriously, laundry is just one example. It's actually everything.

Sometimes 3/4 is not better than none, if he's going to be such a man-baby then being divorced might be easier.

Agree

This profile of individual is not roommate material, not parent material, and it marriage material.

They’re a charity case that never got professional help at any age of their disorders.

And yet it sounds like there are plenty of you who married these guys. Maybe you should have done more than a half-assed vetting before rushing down the aisle. Maybe you should have given more than an 80% effort in your analysis of whether this was the person you wanted to have kids with.

Your lame naive troll response has already been asked & answered a billion times here and everywhere. Thx

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Just.do.your.OWN.effing.laundry.

Duh.

I do. But he puts loads in of his stuff and the kids. And just leaves it there. All over the place. On top of the dryer. In random piles. Sitting in the basket for days. Then I have to dump the basket when I need to use it. (We have multiple baskets. He’ll fill them all. So please don’t tell me to buy another basket)

OMG you sometimes have to DUMP a BASKET?!?! What an effing nightmare! How do you even live??