How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

[Anonymous]

No matter what the household-related task is, DH will walk away and leave the final 20% of a task undone. It could be literally any task, but he has what seems like a pathological need to walk away before a task is complete.

Examples:

He'll go to the grocery store, but he'll leave 3 empty paper bags on the floor and non-perishables lined up on the counter.
He'll buy grass seed and sow some of it, but the half-filled sack will be left gaping in the front corner of the garage for the next 3 months and then he'll never water the grass seed so it doesn't germinate.
He'll run a load of laundry, but it will sit unfolded in the dryer until someone else sees it and deals with it.
He'll do the dishes, but leave the "weird" stuff in the sink and make up an excuse like he didn't know how to wash it or there was no room on the drying rack and it would take too long to dry the stuff on the rack.

I'm the only other adult in the house, so if he doesn't do something, I'm doing it.

When I call him out on it and/or argue that it's not doing a task if he leaves it for someone else to finish, he'll throw a fit and say I should be happy he did anything. This seems pretty unfair because it means I'm doing 100% of my chores plus 20% of what he's supposed to be doing. I'm exhausted because I know that not only is my work never done, but the moment I want to relax or use something or start something, I have to clean up his surprises first.

He gives me attitude for not celebrating him for doing his share.

Has anyone tried to reason with a man like this? Translate "you're acting like an immature parasite" into rational adult language for me, please!

[Anonymous]

OP I get it. I have a DH who likes to claim he "did 4 loads of laundry today" when he's working from home but what he actually did was move 4 loads of laundry through the machines and then pile them all on a chair in the living room where they will stay for days unless I give up and fold them first. I've told him that I don't really consider myself to have done a load of laundry until it's put away and he was like "oh you're too hard on yourself -- I think just getting it cleaned is an accomplishment."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have a DH who likes to claim he "did 4 loads of laundry today" when he's working from home but what he actually did was move 4 loads of laundry through the machines and then pile them all on a chair in the living room where they will stay for days unless I give up and fold them first. I've told him that I don't really consider myself to have done a load of laundry until it's put away and he was like "oh you're too hard on yourself -- I think just getting it cleaned is an accomplishment."

This would break me.

The hardest part of laundry is folding it and putting it away after. If you don't fold it right away then it's wrinkly and you have to look at each thing and decide to fluff it or iron to make it look decent.

Finding a massive unwashed pile of clothing in the hamper is preferable to encountering a mystery stack of wrinkled but clean clothes.

[Anonymous]

I do stuff like that sometimes, and I’m way more likely to do it when my husband is out of town or on projects he doesn’t care about because I know that if I leave dirty dishes in the sink, he will come and clean them later. Apparently a lot of my motivation to do chores is so he doesn’t have to.

[Anonymous]

Omg this is my husband.

He REFUSES to wash any delicate dishes by hand. We don’t have much - maybe 5 things that can’t go in the dishwasher - and he leaves them in the sink and pretends that he was going to go back and wash it later.

He replaced a ceiling fan in the kids room about a week ago. The kids are at my mom’s so I hadn’t been in that room all week. Went up yesterday and the old fan was on the floor, disassembled, all over the room. Plus the ladder. Plus his tools. I asked him to go in and clean it up. You know what he did? He took it all out of the room and left it all on the table in the hallway.

Each and every time, I just say “please finish xyz” or “you forgot to finish xyz.” He gets that look like he’s annoyed and wants to say something (sometimes he does, but I ignore it) and he does what needs to be done.

Yes, it puts the burden on me to get him moving. But that’s better than me doing the task. It sucks, but it’s clearly not going to change. We’ve been married 19 years!

[Anonymous]

I try really hard to give my DH partial credit.

He’s never ever going to turn into the partner I thought he was going to be, and I’ve tried really hard to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have a DH who likes to claim he "did 4 loads of laundry today" when he's working from home but what he actually did was move 4 loads of laundry through the machines and then pile them all on a chair in the living room where they will stay for days unless I give up and fold them first. I've told him that I don't really consider myself to have done a load of laundry until it's put away and he was like "oh you're too hard on yourself -- I think just getting it cleaned is an accomplishment."

This would break me.

The hardest part of laundry is folding it and putting it away after. If you don't fold it right away then it's wrinkly and you have to look at each thing and decide to fluff it or iron to make it look decent.

Finding a massive unwashed pile of clothing in the hamper is preferable to encountering a mystery stack of wrinkled but clean clothes.

PP here and yes I totally agree. I thought of this example reading OP's post because last week we were both working from home on Friday when he did this and it was a genuine source of stress for me to watch that pile grow throughout the day. I said something to him about it ("maybe we shouldn't do anymore laundry today as it's going to take a while to get through all the folding") and he was like "don't worry about it -- I want to get through all the washing first." The pile sat there all weekend until finally I broke down on Sunday and folded it. I didn't fluff or iron anything because I just refuse but it took me a full hour and I was very irritated. But if I say anything he'll be like "I can't believe you are mad at me for doing the laundry."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No matter what the household-related task is, DH will walk away and leave the final 20% of a task undone. It could be literally any task, but he has what seems like a pathological need to walk away before a task is complete.

Examples:

He'll go to the grocery store, but he'll leave 3 empty paper bags on the floor and non-perishables lined up on the counter.
He'll buy grass seed and sow some of it, but the half-filled sack will be left gaping in the front corner of the garage for the next 3 months and then he'll never water the grass seed so it doesn't germinate.
He'll run a load of laundry, but it will sit unfolded in the dryer until someone else sees it and deals with it.
He'll do the dishes, but leave the "weird" stuff in the sink and make up an excuse like he didn't know how to wash it or there was no room on the drying rack and it would take too long to dry the stuff on the rack.

I'm the only other adult in the house, so if he doesn't do something, I'm doing it.

When I call him out on it and/or argue that it's not doing a task if he leaves it for someone else to finish, he'll throw a fit and say I should be happy he did anything. This seems pretty unfair because it means I'm doing 100% of my chores plus 20% of what he's supposed to be doing. I'm exhausted because I know that not only is my work never done, but the moment I want to relax or use something or start something, I have to clean up his surprises first.

He gives me attitude for not celebrating him for doing his share.

Has anyone tried to reason with a man like this? Translate "you're acting like an immature parasite" into rational adult language for me, please!

Continue calling him out. Tell him, the laundry isn't done until it's put away. Tell him, I'll celebrate you when you FINISH the task. Tell him, you lose my respect every time you have a tantrum when I ask you to finish a task.

This is learned helplessness. He knows you will take care of it eventually. Stop doing that, and start requiring him to do it. Is it fair that you have to parent your husband? No, but I'd prefer this parenting to cleaning up after him forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try really hard to give my DH partial credit.

He’s never ever going to turn into the partner I thought he was going to be, and I’ve tried really hard to let it go.

This is what I do too. It’s impossible to compel another adult to do things, and when I point out the work that didn’t get done, somehow I’m the shrew. I got tired of being considered “the problem”.

[Anonymous]

Quit doing his 20% AND start doing 80% yourself. Like making sandwiches for lunch? Make yours and leave his unfinished, so he’ll have to complete it himself. Fold your laundry but leave his in the dryer or in a pile on the floor. Sometimes people are too stupid to see the effects of their choices until they are on the receiving end of similar stupidity. Hopefully he sees it and corrects his ways, but if he doesn’t, then divorce is the answer.

[Anonymous]

You do your own laundry, he does his. Let him do 80% of the dishes always, and you always do the final 20%. If you notice the grass needs to be watered, consider picking up the hose or turning on the sprinkler yourself.

Mostly, stop acting like you’re his mom or his boss, though. I can’t imagine not being “allowed” to leave the clothes in the dryer for awhile in my own house that I pay for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have a DH who likes to claim he "did 4 loads of laundry today" when he's working from home but what he actually did was move 4 loads of laundry through the machines and then pile them all on a chair in the living room where they will stay for days unless I give up and fold them first. I've told him that I don't really consider myself to have done a load of laundry until it's put away and he was like "oh you're too hard on yourself -- I think just getting it cleaned is an accomplishment."

This would break me.

The hardest part of laundry is folding it and putting it away after. If you don't fold it right away then it's wrinkly and you have to look at each thing and decide to fluff it or iron to make it look decent.

Finding a massive unwashed pile of clothing in the hamper is preferable to encountering a mystery stack of wrinkled but clean clothes.

Couldn't agree more. This is why everyone in our house now does their own laundry. If they don't want to fold it and rummage through a wrinkled pile of clothes, have at it. I won't take my stuff out of the dryer until I'm able to fold it. Sometimes I run it again briefly to dewrinkle but clean laundry thrown in a pile somewhere is no longer clean. At least mine isn't. They can do whatever they want with theirs.

[Anonymous]

"I love you, but I think I make your life easier and you make my life harder. It makes me sad to think that our kids are growing up with this as their model"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have a DH who likes to claim he "did 4 loads of laundry today" when he's working from home but what he actually did was move 4 loads of laundry through the machines and then pile them all on a chair in the living room where they will stay for days unless I give up and fold them first. I've told him that I don't really consider myself to have done a load of laundry until it's put away and he was like "oh you're too hard on yourself -- I think just getting it cleaned is an accomplishment."

This would break me.

The hardest part of laundry is folding it and putting it away after. If you don't fold it right away then it's wrinkly and you have to look at each thing and decide to fluff it or iron to make it look decent.

Finding a massive unwashed pile of clothing in the hamper is preferable to encountering a mystery stack of wrinkled but clean clothes.

PP here and yes I totally agree. I thought of this example reading OP's post because last week we were both working from home on Friday when he did this and it was a genuine source of stress for me to watch that pile grow throughout the day. I said something to him about it ("maybe we shouldn't do anymore laundry today as it's going to take a while to get through all the folding") and he was like "don't worry about it -- I want to get through all the washing first." The pile sat there all weekend until finally I broke down on Sunday and folded it. I didn't fluff or iron anything because I just refuse but it took me a full hour and I was very irritated. But if I say anything he'll be like "I can't believe you are mad at me for doing the laundry."

It sounds like “we” didn’t do laundry that day… HE did laundry and “we” weren’t involved until you did YOUR share and folded it… an entire week later. I’ll bet HE didn’t complain, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quit doing his 20% AND start doing 80% yourself. Like making sandwiches for lunch? Make yours and leave his unfinished, so he’ll have to complete it himself. Fold your laundry but leave his in the dryer or in a pile on the floor. Sometimes people are too stupid to see the effects of their choices until they are on the receiving end of similar stupidity. Hopefully he sees it and corrects his ways, but if he doesn’t, then divorce is the answer.

This. It’s immature but sometimes this is the most effective path when dealing with a man child.