How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

That could be one way of looking at it. But it doesn’t seem to flow in my direction when I do something that benefits the family, like cooking, pool maintenance, trash bins, general home maintenance. With cooking I still do the clean up bc I got so annoyed that - you got it - only 80% would get done. He literally just leaves stuff behind. So I am responsible for my stuff, which is daily for the most part, and he’s responsible for his stuff, which is not daily. Oh, and the examples I used I asked that they not be done, they weren’t necessary. He switched out a perfectly functional ceiling fan bc “everyone knows” you have to have one with remote control.

And bf you calling me some shrew, I take a lot of pleasure in taking care of my husband. This is an observation of his behavior, not an indictment of him nor a suggestion that he doesn’t care about me. It’s the 80% observation that is just weird to me. And yeah, it’s annoying!

You’re just biased. It would be interesting to read a list of the tasks that your husband thinks you don’t finish, don’t do correctly, or don’t do well. But we won’t, because he’s not wasting his time and energy complaining about his life partner to strangers on the internet.

(Serious question: do you honestly prefer to do 100% of the dishes rather than 20%? This just seems illogical to me.)

DP here. It's illogical to only do 80% of the dishes! Are the dishes going to magically take care of themselves? I'm responding because my DH did exactly the same thing the other day. That's just showing that the person thinks the dishes are not really their job, and they're just "helping".

Plus it’s the CONSTANT nasty surprise of expecting something basic done and done right, showing up half-@$$ed and incomplete or needing fixing when you or a family member need it or go to get it.

Yuck. Non stop setbacks. Two steps forward, one step back. all. The. Time. That’s his normal. And worse; they often think everyone has the same high accident rate, forget $hit rate, and failure rate as them! Yeah, that must be it. Everyone’s just as dysfunctional as me so who cares! You so silly! Details schmetails! Look I did part of it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Laundry * 100 other basic failures a week, every week, every month, every year.

They’re like a child but one that can’t learn.

There’s like a dog but one that cannot be house-trained.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

That could be one way of looking at it. But it doesn’t seem to flow in my direction when I do something that benefits the family, like cooking, pool maintenance, trash bins, general home maintenance. With cooking I still do the clean up bc I got so annoyed that - you got it - only 80% would get done. He literally just leaves stuff behind. So I am responsible for my stuff, which is daily for the most part, and he’s responsible for his stuff, which is not daily. Oh, and the examples I used I asked that they not be done, they weren’t necessary. He switched out a perfectly functional ceiling fan bc “everyone knows” you have to have one with remote control.

And bf you calling me some shrew, I take a lot of pleasure in taking care of my husband. This is an observation of his behavior, not an indictment of him nor a suggestion that he doesn’t care about me. It’s the 80% observation that is just weird to me. And yeah, it’s annoying!

You’re just biased. It would be interesting to read a list of the tasks that your husband thinks you don’t finish, don’t do correctly, or don’t do well. But we won’t, because he’s not wasting his time and energy complaining about his life partner to strangers on the internet.

(Serious question: do you honestly prefer to do 100% of the dishes rather than 20%? This just seems illogical to me.)

DP here. It's illogical to only do 80% of the dishes! Are the dishes going to magically take care of themselves? I'm responding because my DH did exactly the same thing the other day. That's just showing that the person thinks the dishes are not really their job, and they're just "helping".

You didn’t answer the question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Just.do.your.OWN.effing.laundry.

Duh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Just.do.your.OWN.effing.laundry.

Duh.

I do. But he puts loads in of his stuff and the kids. And just leaves it there. All over the place. On top of the dryer. In random piles. Sitting in the basket for days. Then I have to dump the basket when I need to use it. (We have multiple baskets. He’ll fill them all. So please don’t tell me to buy another basket)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is death by a thousand cuts. Absolutely not.

If a partner has ADHD, and they do not do the work to support regular consistency in completing tasks at home, whether that’s medication, behavioral tools, or a combination, they are not being a good partner.

This stuff wears, and they will be left alone one day “completely blindsided” by the divorce.

It’s also death by a thousand cuts for the ADHD partner who is doing their best, still constantly telling themselves “I suck”, and then feels the impossible standards and disappointment from their spouse pile on when they are literally doing the best they can. If your spouse has ADHD, it’s your job to learn everything you can about it so you can understand what life is like for them. There are many things you can do in your lives to make it easier for that partner. You have to stop being judgmental about the very real condition and start setting everyone in your house up for success. But also, unfolded laundry is just not a big deal. Jesus.

Untreated and unmanaged adhd or asd?
That’s the parents failing them. Send them back.

[Anonymous]

Anti-competency troll is alive and well on this thread advocating for delinquents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

That could be one way of looking at it. But it doesn’t seem to flow in my direction when I do something that benefits the family, like cooking, pool maintenance, trash bins, general home maintenance. With cooking I still do the clean up bc I got so annoyed that - you got it - only 80% would get done. He literally just leaves stuff behind. So I am responsible for my stuff, which is daily for the most part, and he’s responsible for his stuff, which is not daily. Oh, and the examples I used I asked that they not be done, they weren’t necessary. He switched out a perfectly functional ceiling fan bc “everyone knows” you have to have one with remote control.

And bf you calling me some shrew, I take a lot of pleasure in taking care of my husband. This is an observation of his behavior, not an indictment of him nor a suggestion that he doesn’t care about me. It’s the 80% observation that is just weird to me. And yeah, it’s annoying!

You’re just biased. It would be interesting to read a list of the tasks that your husband thinks you don’t finish, don’t do correctly, or don’t do well. But we won’t, because he’s not wasting his time and energy complaining about his life partner to strangers on the internet.

(Serious question: do you honestly prefer to do 100% of the dishes rather than 20%? This just seems illogical to me.)

DP here. It's illogical to only do 80% of the dishes! Are the dishes going to magically take care of themselves? I'm responding because my DH did exactly the same thing the other day. That's just showing that the person thinks the dishes are not really their job, and they're just "helping".

Plus it’s the CONSTANT nasty surprise of expecting something basic done and done right, showing up half-@$$ed and incomplete or needing fixing when you or a family member need it or go to get it.

Yuck. Non stop setbacks. Two steps forward, one step back. all. The. Time. That’s his normal. And worse; they often think everyone has the same high accident rate, forget $hit rate, and failure rate as them! Yeah, that must be it. Everyone’s just as dysfunctional as me so who cares! You so silly! Details schmetails! Look I did part of it!

This. Totally unreliable. You can't plan on anything being completed or done correctly. You can't count on him. He expects praise and respect for his half-assed contribution. When called out, he attacks you for the crime of wanting him to be a responsible adult and do a fair share and possess a modicum of common sense and executive functioning. This man-baby dynamic kills your respect for him, and eventually you realize life would be easier without me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Accept your spouse, with all their warts and limitations. Look at your spouse with empathy. If you know they are struggling, then help. Be a team. Find the good in the initiative to start a task and know that 3/4 of the way done if better then none.

Unclench control and perfectionism. Seriously. It’s laundry.

[Anonymous]

Empathy PP is insane or one of these men.

If a wife has to look at her DH with constant empathy equivalent to how a mother sees the struggles of their small child who’s still learning, that’s a fast-track to contempt and divorce.

Who has the strength or cognitive dissonance to be able to tolerate a marriage that is really just being a mother to someone you’re supposed to be intimate with? What man is ok with this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Accept your spouse, with all their warts and limitations. Look at your spouse with empathy. If you know they are struggling, then help. Be a team. Find the good in the initiative to start a task and know that 3/4 of the way done if better then none.

Unclench control and perfectionism. Seriously. It’s laundry.

When does she get help? When does she get acceptance for wanting a clean house and to not be doing an overwhelming amount of the work? Why does this call for empathy only go one way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is death by a thousand cuts. Absolutely not.

If a partner has ADHD, and they do not do the work to support regular consistency in completing tasks at home, whether that’s medication, behavioral tools, or a combination, they are not being a good partner.

This stuff wears, and they will be left alone one day “completely blindsided” by the divorce.

It’s also death by a thousand cuts for the ADHD partner who is doing their best, still constantly telling themselves “I suck”, and then feels the impossible standards and disappointment from their spouse pile on when they are literally doing the best they can. If your spouse has ADHD, it’s your job to learn everything you can about it so you can understand what life is like for them. There are many things you can do in your lives to make it easier for that partner. You have to stop being judgmental about the very real condition and start setting everyone in your house up for success. But also, unfolded laundry is just not a big deal. Jesus.

Your self-loathing as a result of your failure to be an equal partner is your issue to manage, and only you can set yourself up for success by figuring out what tools you need in your life to make it work.

^ Exhibit No. 293 of people who understand absolutely nothing about ADHD ^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Empathy PP is insane or one of these men.

If a wife has to look at her DH with constant empathy equivalent to how a mother sees the struggles of their small child who’s still learning, that’s a fast-track to contempt and divorce.

Who has the strength or cognitive dissonance to be able to tolerate a marriage that is really just being a mother to someone you’re supposed to be intimate with? What man is ok with this?

Do you give empathy to people with physical disabilities who move more slowly than you? Does OP expect her DH to have empathy for OP's struggle with anxiety? We are all different and we are all doing our best. Talk to the people in your life as thought they are all trying the best they can... because they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is death by a thousand cuts. Absolutely not.

If a partner has ADHD, and they do not do the work to support regular consistency in completing tasks at home, whether that’s medication, behavioral tools, or a combination, they are not being a good partner.

This stuff wears, and they will be left alone one day “completely blindsided” by the divorce.

It’s also death by a thousand cuts for the ADHD partner who is doing their best, still constantly telling themselves “I suck”, and then feels the impossible standards and disappointment from their spouse pile on when they are literally doing the best they can. If your spouse has ADHD, it’s your job to learn everything you can about it so you can understand what life is like for them. There are many things you can do in your lives to make it easier for that partner. You have to stop being judgmental about the very real condition and start setting everyone in your house up for success. But also, unfolded laundry is just not a big deal. Jesus.

Your self-loathing as a result of your failure to be an equal partner is your issue to manage, and only you can set yourself up for success by figuring out what tools you need in your life to make it work.

^ Exhibit No. 293 of people who understand absolutely nothing about ADHD ^

I've actually been diagnosed with it. It's something I have to work with and it's my job to do that.