How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have a DH who likes to claim he "did 4 loads of laundry today" when he's working from home but what he actually did was move 4 loads of laundry through the machines and then pile them all on a chair in the living room where they will stay for days unless I give up and fold them first. I've told him that I don't really consider myself to have done a load of laundry until it's put away and he was like "oh you're too hard on yourself -- I think just getting it cleaned is an accomplishment."

This would break me.

The hardest part of laundry is folding it and putting it away after. If you don't fold it right away then it's wrinkly and you have to look at each thing and decide to fluff it or iron to make it look decent.

Finding a massive unwashed pile of clothing in the hamper is preferable to encountering a mystery stack of wrinkled but clean clothes.

Couldn't agree more. This is why everyone in our house now does their own laundry. If they don't want to fold it and rummage through a wrinkled pile of clothes, have at it. I won't take my stuff out of the dryer until I'm able to fold it. Sometimes I run it again briefly to dewrinkle but clean laundry thrown in a pile somewhere is no longer clean. At least mine isn't. They can do whatever they want with theirs.

+1 Everyone folds their own laundry.

Is he new to doing laundry?

My DH retired a few months ago, so now he is doing all the laundry. There are some items that need to be hang dried, but he kept forgetting. It's taken him a few months to remember to hang dry stuff, but he still complains about it because it makes doing laundry more complicated. Basically, he wants housechores for him to be easier than when I was doing it.

[Anonymous]

I can be guilty of this. I do think ADHD is something I struggle with but can mostly manage. I wish I could say why my brain does it. It's like. I know the laundry needs to be switched over but I just end up doing something else and keep saying "I'll do it later". The difference is that I know it drives DH crazy so I make a real effort to follow through on everything. I make a lot of lists. For whatever reason physically crossing things off helps me. I also make myself stop and say "no, bring the glass to the kitchen when you stand up. Don't say you'll do it later"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter what the household-related task is, DH will walk away and leave the final 20% of a task undone. It could be literally any task, but he has what seems like a pathological need to walk away before a task is complete.

Examples:

He'll go to the grocery store, but he'll leave 3 empty paper bags on the floor and non-perishables lined up on the counter.
He'll buy grass seed and sow some of it, but the half-filled sack will be left gaping in the front corner of the garage for the next 3 months and then he'll never water the grass seed so it doesn't germinate.
He'll run a load of laundry, but it will sit unfolded in the dryer until someone else sees it and deals with it.
He'll do the dishes, but leave the "weird" stuff in the sink and make up an excuse like he didn't know how to wash it or there was no room on the drying rack and it would take too long to dry the stuff on the rack.

I'm the only other adult in the house, so if he doesn't do something, I'm doing it.

When I call him out on it and/or argue that it's not doing a task if he leaves it for someone else to finish, he'll throw a fit and say I should be happy he did anything. This seems pretty unfair because it means I'm doing 100% of my chores plus 20% of what he's supposed to be doing. I'm exhausted because I know that not only is my work never done, but the moment I want to relax or use something or start something, I have to clean up his surprises first.

He gives me attitude for not celebrating him for doing his share.

Has anyone tried to reason with a man like this? Translate "you're acting like an immature parasite" into rational adult language for me, please!

Continue calling him out. Tell him, the laundry isn't done until it's put away. Tell him, I'll celebrate you when you FINISH the task. Tell him, you lose my respect every time you have a tantrum when I ask you to finish a task.

This is learned helplessness. He knows you will take care of it eventually. Stop doing that, and start requiring him to do it. Is it fair that you have to parent your husband? No, but I'd prefer this parenting to cleaning up after him forever.

I stopped doing the 20% at some point late last fall and ignored his undone work for 6 months, but then I literally had to take 2 days off of work to catch up and dig out (not exaggerating) from that experiment.

I like my DH's mom, but she did me zero favors with how she raised him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can be guilty of this. I do think ADHD is something I struggle with but can mostly manage. I wish I could say why my brain does it. It's like. I know the laundry needs to be switched over but I just end up doing something else and keep saying "I'll do it later". The difference is that I know it drives DH crazy so I make a real effort to follow through on everything. I make a lot of lists. For whatever reason physically crossing things off helps me. I also make myself stop and say "no, bring the glass to the kitchen when you stand up. Don't say you'll do it later"

Tell me more about the ADHD part. Is this an ADHD thing? Is it procrastination or is it resistance to being told what to do? I'm genuinely curious because DH has ADHD and is medicated for it. It helps him be successful at work but does nothing for him at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quit doing his 20% AND start doing 80% yourself. Like making sandwiches for lunch? Make yours and leave his unfinished, so he’ll have to complete it himself. Fold your laundry but leave his in the dryer or in a pile on the floor. Sometimes people are too stupid to see the effects of their choices until they are on the receiving end of similar stupidity. Hopefully he sees it and corrects his ways, but if he doesn’t, then divorce is the answer.

This. It’s immature but sometimes this is the most effective path when dealing with a man child.

I tried that and instead of doing his own laundry, DH just kept buying new clothes instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can be guilty of this. I do think ADHD is something I struggle with but can mostly manage. I wish I could say why my brain does it. It's like. I know the laundry needs to be switched over but I just end up doing something else and keep saying "I'll do it later". The difference is that I know it drives DH crazy so I make a real effort to follow through on everything. I make a lot of lists. For whatever reason physically crossing things off helps me. I also make myself stop and say "no, bring the glass to the kitchen when you stand up. Don't say you'll do it later"

Tell me more about the ADHD part. Is this an ADHD thing? Is it procrastination or is it resistance to being told what to do? I'm genuinely curious because DH has ADHD and is medicated for it. It helps him be successful at work but does nothing for him at home.

This is how you know it’s not ADHD. Do you really think his medication is formulated to only be effective when he is in the office?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter what the household-related task is, DH will walk away and leave the final 20% of a task undone. It could be literally any task, but he has what seems like a pathological need to walk away before a task is complete.

Examples:

He'll go to the grocery store, but he'll leave 3 empty paper bags on the floor and non-perishables lined up on the counter.
He'll buy grass seed and sow some of it, but the half-filled sack will be left gaping in the front corner of the garage for the next 3 months and then he'll never water the grass seed so it doesn't germinate.
He'll run a load of laundry, but it will sit unfolded in the dryer until someone else sees it and deals with it.
He'll do the dishes, but leave the "weird" stuff in the sink and make up an excuse like he didn't know how to wash it or there was no room on the drying rack and it would take too long to dry the stuff on the rack.

I'm the only other adult in the house, so if he doesn't do something, I'm doing it.

When I call him out on it and/or argue that it's not doing a task if he leaves it for someone else to finish, he'll throw a fit and say I should be happy he did anything. This seems pretty unfair because it means I'm doing 100% of my chores plus 20% of what he's supposed to be doing. I'm exhausted because I know that not only is my work never done, but the moment I want to relax or use something or start something, I have to clean up his surprises first.

He gives me attitude for not celebrating him for doing his share.

Has anyone tried to reason with a man like this? Translate "you're acting like an immature parasite" into rational adult language for me, please!

Continue calling him out. Tell him, the laundry isn't done until it's put away. Tell him, I'll celebrate you when you FINISH the task. Tell him, you lose my respect every time you have a tantrum when I ask you to finish a task.

This is learned helplessness. He knows you will take care of it eventually. Stop doing that, and start requiring him to do it. Is it fair that you have to parent your husband? No, but I'd prefer this parenting to cleaning up after him forever.

I stopped doing the 20% at some point late last fall and ignored his undone work for 6 months, but then I literally had to take 2 days off of work to catch up and dig out (not exaggerating) from that experiment.

I like my DH's mom, but she did me zero favors with how she raised him.

Why? Why did YOU have to take 2 days of work to clean up HIS mess? What was he doing during those days? Did he compensate you in some way? What did his mom, who you like, think about this?

Allowing the problem to go unaddressed for 6 months is a mistake. Address it every time it happens. Every time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quit doing his 20% AND start doing 80% yourself. Like making sandwiches for lunch? Make yours and leave his unfinished, so he’ll have to complete it himself. Fold your laundry but leave his in the dryer or in a pile on the floor. Sometimes people are too stupid to see the effects of their choices until they are on the receiving end of similar stupidity. Hopefully he sees it and corrects his ways, but if he doesn’t, then divorce is the answer.

This. It’s immature but sometimes this is the most effective path when dealing with a man child.

I tried that and instead of doing his own laundry, DH just kept buying new clothes instead.

Then you divorce. This isn’t rocket science.

[Anonymous]

Are there any DHs that meet the bar? Or is half of mankind just that you incompetent?

[Anonymous]

Try FairPlay cards.

Men need to be called out that they are acting like babies and can, just like they do at work, take on adult responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can be guilty of this. I do think ADHD is something I struggle with but can mostly manage. I wish I could say why my brain does it. It's like. I know the laundry needs to be switched over but I just end up doing something else and keep saying "I'll do it later". The difference is that I know it drives DH crazy so I make a real effort to follow through on everything. I make a lot of lists. For whatever reason physically crossing things off helps me. I also make myself stop and say "no, bring the glass to the kitchen when you stand up. Don't say you'll do it later"

Tell me more about the ADHD part. Is this an ADHD thing? Is it procrastination or is it resistance to being told what to do? I'm genuinely curious because DH has ADHD and is medicated for it. It helps him be successful at work but does nothing for him at home.

I have ADHD, I take adderall for it. Anything let undone is left undone because I'm making the choice to leave it undone. Sometimes I am exhausted (meds can come with a crash) but if I have anything left undone I think the onus is on me to communicate about it ("I'm crashing, I still have X to do, I'll do it tomorrow AM") and then I MAKE GOOD on doing it when I said I would.

Is he in therapy? Does he talk about managing his ADHD? Maybe he needs to discuss with his provider and come up with some ideas for managing his ADHD at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can be guilty of this. I do think ADHD is something I struggle with but can mostly manage. I wish I could say why my brain does it. It's like. I know the laundry needs to be switched over but I just end up doing something else and keep saying "I'll do it later". The difference is that I know it drives DH crazy so I make a real effort to follow through on everything. I make a lot of lists. For whatever reason physically crossing things off helps me. I also make myself stop and say "no, bring the glass to the kitchen when you stand up. Don't say you'll do it later"

You manage to complete your work at the office properly right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have a DH who likes to claim he "did 4 loads of laundry today" when he's working from home but what he actually did was move 4 loads of laundry through the machines and then pile them all on a chair in the living room where they will stay for days unless I give up and fold them first. I've told him that I don't really consider myself to have done a load of laundry until it's put away and he was like "oh you're too hard on yourself -- I think just getting it cleaned is an accomplishment."

This would break me.

The hardest part of laundry is folding it and putting it away after. If you don't fold it right away then it's wrinkly and you have to look at each thing and decide to fluff it or iron to make it look decent.

Finding a massive unwashed pile of clothing in the hamper is preferable to encountering a mystery stack of wrinkled but clean clothes.

Couldn't agree more. This is why everyone in our house now does their own laundry. If they don't want to fold it and rummage through a wrinkled pile of clothes, have at it. I won't take my stuff out of the dryer until I'm able to fold it. Sometimes I run it again briefly to dewrinkle but clean laundry thrown in a pile somewhere is no longer clean. At least mine isn't. They can do whatever they want with theirs.

In our house, if your clothes are in the dryer when someone else needs to use it, your clothes are getting stuffed into a basket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have a DH who likes to claim he "did 4 loads of laundry today" when he's working from home but what he actually did was move 4 loads of laundry through the machines and then pile them all on a chair in the living room where they will stay for days unless I give up and fold them first. I've told him that I don't really consider myself to have done a load of laundry until it's put away and he was like "oh you're too hard on yourself -- I think just getting it cleaned is an accomplishment."

I had to laugh. We all know the folding and putting away is the most time consuming part! That said, everyone in my house had different #laundrygoals and for some having it all in their own pile of clean clothes is good enough and we try to steer toward it being in a laundry basket versus on a chair or some space needed for other people. If the goal is to model good laundry hygiene for the kids, there should definitely be a chore for them around folding and putting their own clothes away if old enough and DH should model what you want the kids to do which is to fold and out away after washing. If there are bigger fish to fry, get everyone their own collapsible laundry basket and whoever does laundry has to sort the clean clothes and each person goes from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can be guilty of this. I do think ADHD is something I struggle with but can mostly manage. I wish I could say why my brain does it. It's like. I know the laundry needs to be switched over but I just end up doing something else and keep saying "I'll do it later". The difference is that I know it drives DH crazy so I make a real effort to follow through on everything. I make a lot of lists. For whatever reason physically crossing things off helps me. I also make myself stop and say "no, bring the glass to the kitchen when you stand up. Don't say you'll do it later"

Tell me more about the ADHD part. Is this an ADHD thing? Is it procrastination or is it resistance to being told what to do? I'm genuinely curious because DH has ADHD and is medicated for it. It helps him be successful at work but does nothing for him at home.

This is how you know it’s not ADHD. Do you really think his medication is formulated to only be effective when he is in the office?

That is kind of the issue with ADHD, the brain can engage to do interesting or new or rewarding tasks but can’t engage to do mundane, routine, uninteresting tasks. Difficulty getting basic housework done is a hallmark sign of ADHD. Starting and finishing tasks are both hard. I am no saying he has it, just clarifying that it is completely normal to struggle differently at home and at work.