How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Empathy PP is insane or one of these men.

If a wife has to look at her DH with constant empathy equivalent to how a mother sees the struggles of their small child who’s still learning, that’s a fast-track to contempt and divorce.

Who has the strength or cognitive dissonance to be able to tolerate a marriage that is really just being a mother to someone you’re supposed to be intimate with? What man is ok with this?

Do you give empathy to people with physical disabilities who move more slowly than you? Does OP expect her DH to have empathy for OP's struggle with anxiety? We are all different and we are all doing our best. Talk to the people in your life as thought they are all trying the best they can... because they are.

This is not guaranteed, at all. You are hopelessly naive if you truly think this is the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I love you, but I think I make your life easier and you make my life harder. It makes me sad to think that our kids are growing up with this as their model"

Bumping this response form 20 pages ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is death by a thousand cuts. Absolutely not.

If a partner has ADHD, and they do not do the work to support regular consistency in completing tasks at home, whether that’s medication, behavioral tools, or a combination, they are not being a good partner.

This stuff wears, and they will be left alone one day “completely blindsided” by the divorce.

It’s also death by a thousand cuts for the ADHD partner who is doing their best, still constantly telling themselves “I suck”, and then feels the impossible standards and disappointment from their spouse pile on when they are literally doing the best they can. If your spouse has ADHD, it’s your job to learn everything you can about it so you can understand what life is like for them. There are many things you can do in your lives to make it easier for that partner. You have to stop being judgmental about the very real condition and start setting everyone in your house up for success. But also, unfolded laundry is just not a big deal. Jesus.

Jesus. No.

Your ADHD is yours to manage, and managing it is critical if you expect to live in community with others. Get medicated, get yourself a coach, develop routines and tricks. Communicate with your spouse about how you operate and why, and ask for their help where you need it.

The burden is on YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

That could be one way of looking at it. But it doesn’t seem to flow in my direction when I do something that benefits the family, like cooking, pool maintenance, trash bins, general home maintenance. With cooking I still do the clean up bc I got so annoyed that - you got it - only 80% would get done. He literally just leaves stuff behind. So I am responsible for my stuff, which is daily for the most part, and he’s responsible for his stuff, which is not daily. Oh, and the examples I used I asked that they not be done, they weren’t necessary. He switched out a perfectly functional ceiling fan bc “everyone knows” you have to have one with remote control.

And bf you calling me some shrew, I take a lot of pleasure in taking care of my husband. This is an observation of his behavior, not an indictment of him nor a suggestion that he doesn’t care about me. It’s the 80% observation that is just weird to me. And yeah, it’s annoying!

You’re just biased. It would be interesting to read a list of the tasks that your husband thinks you don’t finish, don’t do correctly, or don’t do well. But we won’t, because he’s not wasting his time and energy complaining about his life partner to strangers on the internet.

(Serious question: do you honestly prefer to do 100% of the dishes rather than 20%? This just seems illogical to me.)

DP here. It's illogical to only do 80% of the dishes! Are the dishes going to magically take care of themselves? I'm responding because my DH did exactly the same thing the other day. That's just showing that the person thinks the dishes are not really their job, and they're just "helping".

The person who does 100% of the dishes recognizes the importance of the task.

The person who does 80% of the dishes assumes that it is not important enough to do it in its entirety (because the spouse will pick up the slack), which evidences a lack of caring and respect for the spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If both spouses are too busy you need to hire someone to do these things

Who will do the search for the worker, the hiring of the worker, directing him/her, scheduling him/her, making payment?

Because that is work, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is death by a thousand cuts. Absolutely not.

If a partner has ADHD, and they do not do the work to support regular consistency in completing tasks at home, whether that’s medication, behavioral tools, or a combination, they are not being a good partner.

This stuff wears, and they will be left alone one day “completely blindsided” by the divorce.

It’s also death by a thousand cuts for the ADHD partner who is doing their best, still constantly telling themselves “I suck”, and then feels the impossible standards and disappointment from their spouse pile on when they are literally doing the best they can. If your spouse has ADHD, it’s your job to learn everything you can about it so you can understand what life is like for them. There are many things you can do in your lives to make it easier for that partner. You have to stop being judgmental about the very real condition and start setting everyone in your house up for success. But also, unfolded laundry is just not a big deal. Jesus.

Jesus. No.

Your ADHD is yours to manage, and managing it is critical if you expect to live in community with others. Get medicated, get yourself a coach, develop routines and tricks. Communicate with your spouse about how you operate and why, and ask for their help where you need it.

The burden is on YOU.

Both can be true. But just insisting your spouse is lazy or a jerk instead of trying to understand is a recipe for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is death by a thousand cuts. Absolutely not.

If a partner has ADHD, and they do not do the work to support regular consistency in completing tasks at home, whether that’s medication, behavioral tools, or a combination, they are not being a good partner.

This stuff wears, and they will be left alone one day “completely blindsided” by the divorce.

It’s also death by a thousand cuts for the ADHD partner who is doing their best, still constantly telling themselves “I suck”, and then feels the impossible standards and disappointment from their spouse pile on when they are literally doing the best they can. If your spouse has ADHD, it’s your job to learn everything you can about it so you can understand what life is like for them. There are many things you can do in your lives to make it easier for that partner. You have to stop being judgmental about the very real condition and start setting everyone in your house up for success. But also, unfolded laundry is just not a big deal. Jesus.

Jesus. No.

Your ADHD is yours to manage, and managing it is critical if you expect to live in community with others. Get medicated, get yourself a coach, develop routines and tricks. Communicate with your spouse about how you operate and why, and ask for their help where you need it.

The burden is on YOU.

Also, “managing your ADHD” does not mean you will automatically perform up to your spouse’s standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is death by a thousand cuts. Absolutely not.

If a partner has ADHD, and they do not do the work to support regular consistency in completing tasks at home, whether that’s medication, behavioral tools, or a combination, they are not being a good partner.

This stuff wears, and they will be left alone one day “completely blindsided” by the divorce.

It’s also death by a thousand cuts for the ADHD partner who is doing their best, still constantly telling themselves “I suck”, and then feels the impossible standards and disappointment from their spouse pile on when they are literally doing the best they can. If your spouse has ADHD, it’s your job to learn everything you can about it so you can understand what life is like for them. There are many things you can do in your lives to make it easier for that partner. You have to stop being judgmental about the very real condition and start setting everyone in your house up for success. But also, unfolded laundry is just not a big deal. Jesus.

Jesus. No.

Your ADHD is yours to manage, and managing it is critical if you expect to live in community with others. Get medicated, get yourself a coach, develop routines and tricks. Communicate with your spouse about how you operate and why, and ask for their help where you need it.

The burden is on YOU.

Yes, I agree with the poster right above me, and I even HAVE ADHD as the female partner. So it drives me even more nuts to think something is done and then find 20% left behind. I have limited capacity for clutter or distractions, so making me then get off track to complete another adulT’s task seems colossally unfair, inconsiderate, and downright a HUGE challenge to me and my mental health and my coping attempts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Empathy PP is insane or one of these men.

If a wife has to look at her DH with constant empathy equivalent to how a mother sees the struggles of their small child who’s still learning, that’s a fast-track to contempt and divorce.

Who has the strength or cognitive dissonance to be able to tolerate a marriage that is really just being a mother to someone you’re supposed to be intimate with? What man is ok with this?

YES!!! THIS!!!! How am I supposed to feel sexual attraction to some fellow adult whom I basically mother!???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Empathy PP is insane or one of these men.

If a wife has to look at her DH with constant empathy equivalent to how a mother sees the struggles of their small child who’s still learning, that’s a fast-track to contempt and divorce.

Who has the strength or cognitive dissonance to be able to tolerate a marriage that is really just being a mother to someone you’re supposed to be intimate with? What man is ok with this?

Do you give empathy to people with physical disabilities who move more slowly than you? Does OP expect her DH to have empathy for OP's struggle with anxiety? We are all different and we are all doing our best. Talk to the people in your life as thought they are all trying the best they can... because they are.

I give empathy to people with disabilities who recognize they are disabled and compensate for it. I don’t have empathy for people with disabilities who claim that they aren’t disabled and expect me to pick up the slack and go in on the ruse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Just.do.your.OWN.effing.laundry.

Duh.

I do. But he puts loads in of his stuff and the kids. And just leaves it there. All over the place. On top of the dryer. In random piles. Sitting in the basket for days. Then I have to dump the basket when I need to use it. (We have multiple baskets. He’ll fill them all. So please don’t tell me to buy another basket)

OMG you sometimes have to DUMP a BASKET?!?! What an effing nightmare! How do you even live??

You got me! This entire conversation is about having to dump a basket once. What a fool I am for not just dumping it once and moving on with my life.

Thanks so much. I’ve seen the light. Your wisdom is unparalleled.

[Anonymous]

I do not buy the ADHD excuse either. I have ADHD and it is up to me to manage my life. It is not up to me, however, to manage my husband. And having to do so puts even more stress onto me. If you have ADHD, it is even MORE imperative to have a partner who understands that he must do what he is supposed to do. He is not one of the children. He is an adult and equal partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Empathy PP is insane or one of these men.

If a wife has to look at her DH with constant empathy equivalent to how a mother sees the struggles of their small child who’s still learning, that’s a fast-track to contempt and divorce.

Who has the strength or cognitive dissonance to be able to tolerate a marriage that is really just being a mother to someone you’re supposed to be intimate with? What man is ok with this?

YES!!! THIS!!!! How am I supposed to feel sexual attraction to some fellow adult whom I basically mother!???

So get a divorce. Why do you need to crowdsource this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Just.do.your.OWN.effing.laundry.

Duh.

I do. But he puts loads in of his stuff and the kids. And just leaves it there. All over the place. On top of the dryer. In random piles. Sitting in the basket for days. Then I have to dump the basket when I need to use it. (We have multiple baskets. He’ll fill them all. So please don’t tell me to buy another basket)

OMG you sometimes have to DUMP a BASKET?!?! What an effing nightmare! How do you even live??

You got me! This entire conversation is about having to dump a basket once. What a fool I am for not just dumping it once and moving on with my life.

Thanks so much. I’ve seen the light. Your wisdom is unparalleled.

The entire conversation is actually about your (and your fellow “sufferers”) refusal to accept that you are not, in fact, your spouse’s boss.

Your preferred way of handling household tasks is merely that - your *preference*. You prefer laundry folded and put away immediately, your spouse prefers to leave clean clothes in baskets. These two strategies are obviously incompatible, but that does NOT mean that YOU are RIGHT, and HE is WRONG.

Accomplishing housework to an 80% standard implies that the essentials to keep life functioning have been handled (e.g. the clothes are clean even if they are in the dryer, the majority of the dishes are clean even if they’re in the dishwasher, the kids are dressed even if they’re in mismatched socks, etc.)

While there has been a lot of talk of spouses leaving work because they expect their partners to finish it, at no point has anyone provided evidence of this expectation. It is more likely that your spouses are leaving work that they simply don’t care about. Meaning they don’t care if YOU do it or not. So yes, if I clean my house to my own personal “good enough” standards, but my spouse demands “perfection”, then spouse can feel free to “pick up the slack” to make that happen, because I simply don’t give a sh!t about what I see as pointless busywork. Or, maybe leaving a task to finish later (myself) because right now, I just don’t feel like it. If spouse decides that it is imperative to complete the task right now! and they finish it rather than wait for me to do it, that’s on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Empathy PP is insane or one of these men.

If a wife has to look at her DH with constant empathy equivalent to how a mother sees the struggles of their small child who’s still learning, that’s a fast-track to contempt and divorce.

Who has the strength or cognitive dissonance to be able to tolerate a marriage that is really just being a mother to someone you’re supposed to be intimate with? What man is ok with this?

YES!!! THIS!!!! How am I supposed to feel sexual attraction to some fellow adult whom I basically mother!???

So get a divorce. Why do you need to crowdsource this?

Not PP but if I divorce my kids will be alone with DH up to half the time, which will mean living in chaos and squalor and being in unsafe situations. And then I’ll be coparenting with someone who can’t communicate or function as an adult.

I’ve decided it’s safest to stay married because of my kids. Lots of other moms in the same situation.

I will leave when my kids are grown.