This is not guaranteed, at all. You are hopelessly naive if you truly think this is the case. |
Bumping this response form 20 pages ago. |
Jesus. No. Your ADHD is yours to manage, and managing it is critical if you expect to live in community with others. Get medicated, get yourself a coach, develop routines and tricks. Communicate with your spouse about how you operate and why, and ask for their help where you need it. The burden is on YOU. |
The person who does 100% of the dishes recognizes the importance of the task. The person who does 80% of the dishes assumes that it is not important enough to do it in its entirety (because the spouse will pick up the slack), which evidences a lack of caring and respect for the spouse. |
Who will do the search for the worker, the hiring of the worker, directing him/her, scheduling him/her, making payment? Because that is work, too. |
Both can be true. But just insisting your spouse is lazy or a jerk instead of trying to understand is a recipe for divorce. |
Also, “managing your ADHD” does not mean you will automatically perform up to your spouse’s standards. |
Yes, I agree with the poster right above me, and I even HAVE ADHD as the female partner. So it drives me even more nuts to think something is done and then find 20% left behind. I have limited capacity for clutter or distractions, so making me then get off track to complete another adulT’s task seems colossally unfair, inconsiderate, and downright a HUGE challenge to me and my mental health and my coping attempts. |
YES!!! THIS!!!! How am I supposed to feel sexual attraction to some fellow adult whom I basically mother!??? |
I give empathy to people with disabilities who recognize they are disabled and compensate for it. I don’t have empathy for people with disabilities who claim that they aren’t disabled and expect me to pick up the slack and go in on the ruse. |
You got me! This entire conversation is about having to dump a basket once. What a fool I am for not just dumping it once and moving on with my life. Thanks so much. I’ve seen the light. Your wisdom is unparalleled. |
I do not buy the ADHD excuse either. I have ADHD and it is up to me to manage my life. It is not up to me, however, to manage my husband. And having to do so puts even more stress onto me. If you have ADHD, it is even MORE imperative to have a partner who understands that he must do what he is supposed to do. He is not one of the children. He is an adult and equal partner. |
So get a divorce. Why do you need to crowdsource this? |
The entire conversation is actually about your (and your fellow “sufferers”) refusal to accept that you are not, in fact, your spouse’s boss. Your preferred way of handling household tasks is merely that - your *preference*. You prefer laundry folded and put away immediately, your spouse prefers to leave clean clothes in baskets. These two strategies are obviously incompatible, but that does NOT mean that YOU are RIGHT, and HE is WRONG. Accomplishing housework to an 80% standard implies that the essentials to keep life functioning have been handled (e.g. the clothes are clean even if they are in the dryer, the majority of the dishes are clean even if they’re in the dishwasher, the kids are dressed even if they’re in mismatched socks, etc.) While there has been a lot of talk of spouses leaving work because they expect their partners to finish it, at no point has anyone provided evidence of this expectation. It is more likely that your spouses are leaving work that they simply don’t care about. Meaning they don’t care if YOU do it or not. So yes, if I clean my house to my own personal “good enough” standards, but my spouse demands “perfection”, then spouse can feel free to “pick up the slack” to make that happen, because I simply don’t give a sh!t about what I see as pointless busywork. Or, maybe leaving a task to finish later (myself) because right now, I just don’t feel like it. If spouse decides that it is imperative to complete the task right now! and they finish it rather than wait for me to do it, that’s on them. |
Not PP but if I divorce my kids will be alone with DH up to half the time, which will mean living in chaos and squalor and being in unsafe situations. And then I’ll be coparenting with someone who can’t communicate or function as an adult. I’ve decided it’s safest to stay married because of my kids. Lots of other moms in the same situation. I will leave when my kids are grown. |