How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Just.do.your.OWN.effing.laundry.

Duh.

I do. But he puts loads in of his stuff and the kids. And just leaves it there. All over the place. On top of the dryer. In random piles. Sitting in the basket for days. Then I have to dump the basket when I need to use it. (We have multiple baskets. He’ll fill them all. So please don’t tell me to buy another basket)

OMG you sometimes have to DUMP a BASKET?!?! What an effing nightmare! How do you even live??

You got me! This entire conversation is about having to dump a basket once. What a fool I am for not just dumping it once and moving on with my life.

Thanks so much. I’ve seen the light. Your wisdom is unparalleled.

The entire conversation is actually about your (and your fellow “sufferers”) refusal to accept that you are not, in fact, your spouse’s boss.

Your preferred way of handling household tasks is merely that - your *preference*. You prefer laundry folded and put away immediately, your spouse prefers to leave clean clothes in baskets. These two strategies are obviously incompatible, but that does NOT mean that YOU are RIGHT, and HE is WRONG.

Accomplishing housework to an 80% standard implies that the essentials to keep life functioning have been handled (e.g. the clothes are clean even if they are in the dryer, the majority of the dishes are clean even if they’re in the dishwasher, the kids are dressed even if they’re in mismatched socks, etc.)

While there has been a lot of talk of spouses leaving work because they expect their partners to finish it, at no point has anyone provided evidence of this expectation. It is more likely that your spouses are leaving work that they simply don’t care about. Meaning they don’t care if YOU do it or not. So yes, if I clean my house to my own personal “good enough” standards, but my spouse demands “perfection”, then spouse can feel free to “pick up the slack” to make that happen, because I simply don’t give a sh!t about what I see as pointless busywork. Or, maybe leaving a task to finish later (myself) because right now, I just don’t feel like it. If spouse decides that it is imperative to complete the task right now! and they finish it rather than wait for me to do it, that’s on them.

Come on.

Don’t conflate only finishing 80% of a task with fully finishing something to 80% of standard.

The former is incomplete.

The latter is cutting corner.

And of course with adhd it’s often both, fun!

You will never get it. Your way is merely a way, not the way.

+1

I like everything folded and hung in rainbow order. My husband would be fine getting his clothes off a chair and ironing or tossing in the dryer for a refresh as needed. I'm not right. He's not right.

[Anonymous]

If he has to manage his ADHD with meds, then she has to manage her anxiety with meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These threads always astonish me. Why are so many of you bending over backwards to defend these useless DHs? It’s like nothing can ever be the man’s fault. You will ALWAYS find a way to make it DW’s responsibility.

Most people are saying that the wives should let it go because they're clearly only making themselves miserable since their husbands are jerks who don't care. That's the point they're trying to make. Sorry you can't see that.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Empathy PP is insane or one of these men.

If a wife has to look at her DH with constant empathy equivalent to how a mother sees the struggles of their small child who’s still learning, that’s a fast-track to contempt and divorce.

Who has the strength or cognitive dissonance to be able to tolerate a marriage that is really just being a mother to someone you’re supposed to be intimate with? What man is ok with this?

YES!!! THIS!!!! How am I supposed to feel sexual attraction to some fellow adult whom I basically mother!???

So get a divorce. Why do you need to crowdsource this?

Not PP but if I divorce my kids will be alone with DH up to half the time, which will mean living in chaos and squalor and being in unsafe situations. And then I’ll be coparenting with someone who can’t communicate or function as an adult.

I’ve decided it’s safest to stay married because of my kids. Lots of other moms in the same situation.

I will leave when my kids are grown.

Either you are being absurdly overdramatic or you have made a series of outrageously incompetent decisions to marry and then have multiple children with a man who can’t even function as an adult.

His executive functioning issues were not apparent when we were dating and living in a 1 bedroom apartment and only had to work and be married.

As the demands and complexity of our life has grown, his executive function issues are more apparent and problematic.

Fine, but staying until your kids are 18 is ridiculous. Kids younger than that can advocate for themselves.

Then what? What happens after they advocate to their own father who neglects them and other things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try really hard to give my DH partial credit.

He’s never ever going to turn into the partner I thought he was going to be, and I’ve tried really hard to let it go.

This is the way.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I do the best we can. Our house isn't clean unless we have company coming.

I just learned to let a lot of stuff go. Everyone does their own laundry and cleans their own bathroom. If it's gross oh well. Mine is clean.

It's better than be angry all the time.

[Anonymous]

Wife is ADD and does this constantly. Not going to change her and not worth being upset over. I just quietly do the 20% and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try really hard to give my DH partial credit.

He’s never ever going to turn into the partner I thought he was going to be, and I’ve tried really hard to let it go.

How do you adopt/live this mindset without resentment?

[Anonymous]

Let it go.

Erma Bombeck which she'd spent her time doing less cleaning and laundry and spent more time with family.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I can be guilty of this. I do think ADHD is something I struggle with but can mostly manage. I wish I could say why my brain does it. It's like. I know the laundry needs to be switched over but I just end up doing something else and keep saying "I'll do it later". The difference is that I know it drives DH crazy so I make a real effort to follow through on everything. I make a lot of lists. For whatever reason physically crossing things off helps me. I also make myself stop and say "no, bring the glass to the kitchen when you stand up. Don't say you'll do it later"

So, so, so soooo, sick of the ADHD excuse. There, I said it.

Nobody cares what you think, ya narcissist shrew!

I care, and agree with that person. Not everything is ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can be guilty of this. I do think ADHD is something I struggle with but can mostly manage. I wish I could say why my brain does it. It's like. I know the laundry needs to be switched over but I just end up doing something else and keep saying "I'll do it later". The difference is that I know it drives DH crazy so I make a real effort to follow through on everything. I make a lot of lists. For whatever reason physically crossing things off helps me. I also make myself stop and say "no, bring the glass to the kitchen when you stand up. Don't say you'll do it later"

So, so, so soooo, sick of the ADHD excuse. There, I said it.

Nobody cares what you think, ya narcissist shrew!

I care, and agree with that person. Not everything is ADHD.

And this right here is why every person with ADHD hates themselves and has constant negative self talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let it go.

Erma Bombeck which she'd spent her time doing less cleaning and laundry and spent more time with family.

[phone]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let it go.

Erma Bombeck which she'd spent her time doing less cleaning and laundry and spent more time with family.

Unf that means more lost time daily finding needed things that are missing, soiled, broken, uncared for, or misplaced. Cool way to live. Chaos.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:No matter what the household-related task is, DH will walk away and leave the final 20% of a task undone. It could be literally any task, but he has what seems like a pathological need to walk away before a task is complete.

Examples:

He'll go to the grocery store, but he'll leave 3 empty paper bags on the floor and non-perishables lined up on the counter.
He'll buy grass seed and sow some of it, but the half-filled sack will be left gaping in the front corner of the garage for the next 3 months and then he'll never water the grass seed so it doesn't germinate.
He'll run a load of laundry, but it will sit unfolded in the dryer until someone else sees it and deals with it.
He'll do the dishes, but leave the "weird" stuff in the sink and make up an excuse like he didn't know how to wash it or there was no room on the drying rack and it would take too long to dry the stuff on the rack.

I'm the only other adult in the house, so if he doesn't do something, I'm doing it.

When I call him out on it and/or argue that it's not doing a task if he leaves it for someone else to finish, he'll throw a fit and say I should be happy he did anything. This seems pretty unfair because it means I'm doing 100% of my chores plus 20% of what he's supposed to be doing. I'm exhausted because I know that not only is my work never done, but the moment I want to relax or use something or start something, I have to clean up his surprises first.

He gives me attitude for not celebrating him for doing his share.

Has anyone tried to reason with a man like this? Translate "you're acting like an immature parasite" into rational adult language for me, please!

Continue calling him out. Tell him, the laundry isn't done until it's put away. Tell him, I'll celebrate you when you FINISH the task. Tell him, you lose my respect every time you have a tantrum when I ask you to finish a task.

This is learned helplessness. He knows you will take care of it eventually. Stop doing that, and start requiring him to do it. Is it fair that you have to parent your husband? No, but I'd prefer this parenting to cleaning up after him forever.

I stopped doing the 20% at some point late last fall and ignored his undone work for 6 months, but then I literally had to take 2 days off of work to catch up and dig out (not exaggerating) from that experiment.

I like my DH's mom, but she did me zero favors with how she raised him.

Such misogyny. If it’s always the mom’s fault, I find your OP ironic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter what the household-related task is, DH will walk away and leave the final 20% of a task undone. It could be literally any task, but he has what seems like a pathological need to walk away before a task is complete.

Examples:

He'll go to the grocery store, but he'll leave 3 empty paper bags on the floor and non-perishables lined up on the counter.
He'll buy grass seed and sow some of it, but the half-filled sack will be left gaping in the front corner of the garage for the next 3 months and then he'll never water the grass seed so it doesn't germinate.
He'll run a load of laundry, but it will sit unfolded in the dryer until someone else sees it and deals with it.
He'll do the dishes, but leave the "weird" stuff in the sink and make up an excuse like he didn't know how to wash it or there was no room on the drying rack and it would take too long to dry the stuff on the rack.

I'm the only other adult in the house, so if he doesn't do something, I'm doing it.

When I call him out on it and/or argue that it's not doing a task if he leaves it for someone else to finish, he'll throw a fit and say I should be happy he did anything. This seems pretty unfair because it means I'm doing 100% of my chores plus 20% of what he's supposed to be doing. I'm exhausted because I know that not only is my work never done, but the moment I want to relax or use something or start something, I have to clean up his surprises first.

He gives me attitude for not celebrating him for doing his share.

Has anyone tried to reason with a man like this? Translate "you're acting like an immature parasite" into rational adult language for me, please!

Continue calling him out. Tell him, the laundry isn't done until it's put away. Tell him, I'll celebrate you when you FINISH the task. Tell him, you lose my respect every time you have a tantrum when I ask you to finish a task.

This is learned helplessness. He knows you will take care of it eventually. Stop doing that, and start requiring him to do it. Is it fair that you have to parent your husband? No, but I'd prefer this parenting to cleaning up after him forever.

I stopped doing the 20% at some point late last fall and ignored his undone work for 6 months, but then I literally had to take 2 days off of work to catch up and dig out (not exaggerating) from that experiment.

I like my DH's mom, but she did me zero favors with how she raised him.

Such misogyny. If it’s always the mom’s fault, I find your OP ironic.

Double misogyny, since the father failed his wife and his kids. Then the mom failed along with him. Now the adult son is failing.