How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

[Anonymous]

Definitely ADHD - has he been evaluated? Search laundry & adhd on instagram or TikTok and you will see tons of examples.

https://uk.style.yahoo.com/unexpected-laundry-habit-potential-sign-094507585.html?guccounter=1

https://www.additudemag.com/how-to-do-laundry-with-adhd/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have a DH who likes to claim he "did 4 loads of laundry today" when he's working from home but what he actually did was move 4 loads of laundry through the machines and then pile them all on a chair in the living room where they will stay for days unless I give up and fold them first. I've told him that I don't really consider myself to have done a load of laundry until it's put away and he was like "oh you're too hard on yourself -- I think just getting it cleaned is an accomplishment."

This would break me.

The hardest part of laundry is folding it and putting it away after. If you don't fold it right away then it's wrinkly and you have to look at each thing and decide to fluff it or iron to make it look decent.

Finding a massive unwashed pile of clothing in the hamper is preferable to encountering a mystery stack of wrinkled but clean clothes.

PP here and yes I totally agree. I thought of this example reading OP's post because last week we were both working from home on Friday when he did this and it was a genuine source of stress for me to watch that pile grow throughout the day. I said something to him about it ("maybe we shouldn't do anymore laundry today as it's going to take a while to get through all the folding") and he was like "don't worry about it -- I want to get through all the washing first." The pile sat there all weekend until finally I broke down on Sunday and folded it. I didn't fluff or iron anything because I just refuse but it took me a full hour and I was very irritated. But if I say anything he'll be like "I can't believe you are mad at me for doing the laundry."

It sounds like “we” didn’t do laundry that day… HE did laundry and “we” weren’t involved until you did YOUR share and folded it… an entire week later. I’ll bet HE didn’t complain, though.

Well I was working and didn't have time to fold four loads of laundry that day -- I was working. Turns out he also didn't have time to fold the laundry either because he didn't. Anyone can just move laundry through the machines during little breaks between calls or whatever -- this takes maybe a minute or two per load. So he spent 10 minutes doing laundry on Friday and I spent an hour folding and putting away laundry on Sunday (2 days later not an entire week -- eventually we actually needed those clothes to wear).

Why would he complain about this. He actually thinks he accomplished something but I did more than half of the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can be guilty of this. I do think ADHD is something I struggle with but can mostly manage. I wish I could say why my brain does it. It's like. I know the laundry needs to be switched over but I just end up doing something else and keep saying "I'll do it later". The difference is that I know it drives DH crazy so I make a real effort to follow through on everything. I make a lot of lists. For whatever reason physically crossing things off helps me. I also make myself stop and say "no, bring the glass to the kitchen when you stand up. Don't say you'll do it later"

Tell me more about the ADHD part. Is this an ADHD thing? Is it procrastination or is it resistance to being told what to do? I'm genuinely curious because DH has ADHD and is medicated for it. It helps him be successful at work but does nothing for him at home.

This is how you know it’s not ADHD. Do you really think his medication is formulated to only be effective when he is in the office?

That is kind of the issue with ADHD, the brain can engage to do interesting or new or rewarding tasks but can’t engage to do mundane, routine, uninteresting tasks. Difficulty getting basic housework done is a hallmark sign of ADHD. Starting and finishing tasks are both hard. I am no saying he has it, just clarifying that it is completely normal to struggle differently at home and at work.

What job has zero mundane, routine, uninteresting tasks??

Please stop with these ridiculous excuses! If he were constantly being fired from jobs for failure to complete assignments, then yes, I’d believe ADHD is the problem. But if he’s able to do his office work just fine, then no, I’m not believing it’s ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Would he be upset if his clothes weren’t folded? I never fold my kids’ clothes because they just stuff them into drawers.

[Anonymous]

I'm the pp who said it is part of my ADHD.

I have a very active and constantly changing job so it kind of works well for me. I also have lists at work. I think I also put a lot of my brain power into work, so when I'm home it tends to shut off more.

As for the ADHD thing part, it is definitely procrastination and not a resistance to being told what to do. Like I said, DH has brought it up before and I have made a big effort to change. I really wish I could say why my brain does what it does. For instance, I could vacuum the living room and my brain would say "just leave the vacuum there, you can get it later" and then I'll go off and do something else. I have to stop and say "no, put it away now".

Another example happened recently. I was reorganizing our bathroom and getting rid of towels. I was about halfway through reorganizing when I looked at the area I store my make up and said "hmm...I should really go through my make up". So I stopped the towels and started going through my makeup. As I went through my makeup, I realized my makeup brushes needed to be cleaned. So I stopped going through my makeup and cleaned my brushes. Which led to me noticing that the counter tops were messy. So I put the make up brushes down and started cleaning the countertop. I had to process in my brain after "Ok, finish the brushes. Then put away the make up. Then finish the towels." Otherwise I would have just walked out of the bathroom with it being half done and remembered it hours early. Also hence why I have lists.

I wish I had a good answer for how to help your husband. I changed because I know it bothered DH and I don't want to do things that upset him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would he be upset if his clothes weren’t folded? I never fold my kids’ clothes because they just stuff them into drawers.

I had the same question. Maybe folding clothes is something that matters to her because she doesn’t want to look wrinkled but if he lived alone he would just live out of the dryer and not care.

Sometimes I think these conflicts really aren’t about someone wanting their chores to be done for them. They’re about not caring if a certain chore is ever done at all. People have different standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would he be upset if his clothes weren’t folded? I never fold my kids’ clothes because they just stuff them into drawers.

I had the same question. Maybe folding clothes is something that matters to her because she doesn’t want to look wrinkled but if he lived alone he would just live out of the dryer and not care.

Sometimes I think these conflicts really aren’t about someone wanting their chores to be done for them. They’re about not caring if a certain chore is ever done at all. People have different standards.

PP. my husband will do chores he thinks are silly because he knows I want them done and he wants me to be happy, but he does less than 10% of the chores. (I’m a SAHM) if I expected 50/50, we would have to compromise on what actually needed doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have a DH who likes to claim he "did 4 loads of laundry today" when he's working from home but what he actually did was move 4 loads of laundry through the machines and then pile them all on a chair in the living room where they will stay for days unless I give up and fold them first. I've told him that I don't really consider myself to have done a load of laundry until it's put away and he was like "oh you're too hard on yourself -- I think just getting it cleaned is an accomplishment."

This would break me.

The hardest part of laundry is folding it and putting it away after. If you don't fold it right away then it's wrinkly and you have to look at each thing and decide to fluff it or iron to make it look decent.

Finding a massive unwashed pile of clothing in the hamper is preferable to encountering a mystery stack of wrinkled but clean clothes.

PP here and yes I totally agree. I thought of this example reading OP's post because last week we were both working from home on Friday when he did this and it was a genuine source of stress for me to watch that pile grow throughout the day. I said something to him about it ("maybe we shouldn't do anymore laundry today as it's going to take a while to get through all the folding") and he was like "don't worry about it -- I want to get through all the washing first." The pile sat there all weekend until finally I broke down on Sunday and folded it. I didn't fluff or iron anything because I just refuse but it took me a full hour and I was very irritated. But if I say anything he'll be like "I can't believe you are mad at me for doing the laundry."

It sounds like “we” didn’t do laundry that day… HE did laundry and “we” weren’t involved until you did YOUR share and folded it… an entire week later. I’ll bet HE didn’t complain, though.

Well I was working and didn't have time to fold four loads of laundry that day -- I was working. Turns out he also didn't have time to fold the laundry either because he didn't. Anyone can just move laundry through the machines during little breaks between calls or whatever -- this takes maybe a minute or two per load. So he spent 10 minutes doing laundry on Friday and I spent an hour folding and putting away laundry on Sunday (2 days later not an entire week -- eventually we actually needed those clothes to wear).

Why would he complain about this. He actually thinks he accomplished something but I did more than half of the work.

LOL. Then why the heck didn’t YOU do any of it? By your own admission you were BOTH working from home and yet HE is the only one who did any laundry chores. And I guess you guys don’t sort your laundry or have any delicate or stained items if it only takes a minute or two per load to get them clean.

And finally, folding is not that difficult. Stop being a drama queen.

[Anonymous]

I don’t buy the ADHD excuse if someone is successful at work.

[Anonymous]

This is unacceptable. You must ask for a divorce. He will never change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t buy the ADHD excuse if someone is successful at work.

I have mild ADHD but successful at work. I have an active job so that helps. To me, it is kind of similar to a kid who manages to keep it together at school and then when they get home, they dysregulate. But I also have mild ADHD. That mild part is a big reason why I have been able to force myself to change my habits at home. It is possible, but you really do have to train your brain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are there any DHs that meet the bar? Or is half of mankind just that you incompetent?

I’m a guy who does all the laundry, all the cleaning, and all the outside work, along with half the parenting. It seems like I’d be a catch on DCUM, if it weren’t for the ugly part. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Odds are good you let him get away with it when you were newly married and didn’t have children. Now you are paying the price. He’s been spoiled for years and it’s time to plant the flag.

[Anonymous]

It's adhd. My dh and kid does the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t buy the ADHD excuse if someone is successful at work.

That’s because you don’t understand ADHD.