Frustrated with husband and mother in law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids could get their own breakfast by 4 too. I’d make stuff ahead of time for them to heat up. I don’t get why this is so hard to believe - it’s not rocket science to warm up waffles, get a bowl of cereal or make toast. Good for you, OP on raising independent kids. Fwiw I spend plenty of mornings making my kids a good hot breakfast with eggs, but they could also handle doing it solo for a bit in OPs situation.

So they could use a microwave or stove by age 4? They could safely use those appliances and reach them?

Op here - yes they knew how to use the microwave. Obviously not the stove - that’s not what I meant to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids could get their own breakfast by 4 too. I’d make stuff ahead of time for them to heat up. I don’t get why this is so hard to believe - it’s not rocket science to warm up waffles, get a bowl of cereal or make toast. Good for you, OP on raising independent kids. Fwiw I spend plenty of mornings making my kids a good hot breakfast with eggs, but they could also handle doing it solo for a bit in OPs situation.

So they could use a microwave or stove by age 4? They could safely use those appliances and reach them?

Op here - yes they knew how to use the microwave. Obviously not the stove - that’s not what I meant to say.

Sorry meant pp here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because he doesn’t even try to reason with her

Ok? She doesn’t want to do it. Yes, it sucks, but you shouldn’t expect him to try to talk her into changing her mind.

Then she shouldn’t have said yes. She knew it was 12 days upfront. Backing out with three days to go is BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just hire a sitter

Yes but on 3 days notice I am scrambling. This is something I would have liked to know about before booking so so could have taken the kids or interviewed sitters and found a good fit

If you want to abandon your kids for two weeks that’s on you but clearly she does not want to be responsible for them.

Are you always this melodramatic or just on DCUM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shorten your trip to the 6 days and NEVER ask her to babysit again. NEVER. Burn me once, shame on you....

Next time get a paid sitter or another family member to watch them. Take shorter trips, take them with you, take them to a pace that offers child care. Lots of options.

I would happily take them. It’s just we are paying a massive premium this late in the game to make any changes. Simply say no. She wants the money but doesn’t want to do the job and I tried to make it as easy as possible. She’s with the kids about an hour or 2 a day. They wake up 7:30 and go to bed 7:30pm. They are in summer camp from 8:30am to 6:30pm.

If she pulled this on me three days before an international trip, I wouldn’t give a single, solitary damn if she “wants the money.” Too bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, at least she was honest. And she is doing the safe and sane thing by waving the white flag and calling you to return home.

Be grateful that she’s not like my parents or my ILs, who struggle but still insist on watching our kids at least twice a year and get mad if we ask my aunt or my cousin instead. They don’t “understand” nut allergies, don’t “understand” wearing helmets on scooters and such (my kids ask for help putting helmets on and my parents act helpless), get exhausted and everything goes to pot. I honestly would rather know even mid-trip that someone is struggling. Your MIL did the responsible and honest thing.

And by the way? Going from 2 nights away to 12 and getting mad at her that she couldn’t make that leap, even with help, is rude and insane of you. And I say this as someone who is not a big MIL fan here on DCUM.

I’m not mad at her she can’t do it, I’m mad she agreed to do it and changed her mind 3 days before. Also it’s really not that hard when you’re watching the kids 1-2 hours a day.

So, what, you’ve never had the experience where you want to ride the rollercoaster and then when that ride is tick-tick-ticking up the hill, you panic and want off?

She thought she could do it. She tried. She hit a limit and instead of being unsafe and irresponsible, she was honest and said she couldn’t. Good for her. Boo to you.

You’re saying “it’s really not that hard” as, what, a 38-year-old in good health who has been doing this day in and day out for years? When I was 18, I routinely swam a 1650–a mile—as a race in competition. Do I think I could still swim a 1650? Yeah. But around the 400 mark I’d be like, “Oh sh…” And if I started to drown, I’d swallow my pride and signal the lifeguard.

“Started to drown?” “Signal the lifeguard?” You’re absolutely *absurd.*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody should be expected to do this. Take your kids with you next time, your trips alone are limited once you have kids. Now is the time to accept that and not ask for others to parent your kids for 2 weeks.

This. It must seem daunting to her. To go from no worries to having 24 hour responsibility for 2 kids 6 and under. For FOURTEEN DAYS!!! Wow. You're asking too much, OP, for one person to take on.

It’s not “FOURTEEN DAYS!!!!” You’re bad at reading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was in 3rd grade my parents had to go on a 10 day work trip. They left me home with my beloved grandparents staying with me and my brother. I cried like my heart was breaking. I cried every night. And I was busy during the day and loved being with my grandparents. It was just too long, too far away, too much.

Neat. I spent 6 weeks with my grandparents in the summer and loved it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just hire a sitter

Yes but on 3 days notice I am scrambling. This is something I would have liked to know about before booking so so could have taken the kids or interviewed sitters and found a good fit

If you want to abandon your kids for two weeks that’s on you but clearly she does not want to be responsible for them.

I cannot help but feel the same thing. Anybody would think a 12-day vacation away from the kids these days is appropriate is also somebody who steamrolled grandma into saying yes in the first place. I would cancel that trip and get serious family therapy.

This is just ridiculous. Plenty of people are happy to watch their grandkids for a couple of weeks.

Not my parents or inlaws. This type of ask is not that common.

Yes, it is. Your personal parents and inlaws are immaterial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just hire a sitter

Yes but on 3 days notice I am scrambling. This is something I would have liked to know about before booking so so could have taken the kids or interviewed sitters and found a good fit

If you want to abandon your kids for two weeks that’s on you but clearly she does not want to be responsible for them.

I cannot help but feel the same thing. Anybody would think a 12-day vacation away from the kids these days is appropriate is also somebody who steamrolled grandma into saying yes in the first place. I would cancel that trip and get serious family therapy.

This is just ridiculous. Plenty of people are happy to watch their grandkids for a couple of weeks.

Not my parents or inlaws. This type of ask is not that common.

Yes, it is. Your personal parents and inlaws are immaterial.

Well OPs own parents are MIL aren't stepping up so, doesn't look good for her either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just hire a sitter

Yes but on 3 days notice I am scrambling. This is something I would have liked to know about before booking so so could have taken the kids or interviewed sitters and found a good fit

If you want to abandon your kids for two weeks that’s on you but clearly she does not want to be responsible for them.

I cannot help but feel the same thing. Anybody would think a 12-day vacation away from the kids these days is appropriate is also somebody who steamrolled grandma into saying yes in the first place. I would cancel that trip and get serious family therapy.

This is just ridiculous. Plenty of people are happy to watch their grandkids for a couple of weeks.

I don't know of any grandparent who want to watch their grandkids on their own for a couple of weeks. I know of grandparents (husband and wife pair), who will look after a grandchild or multiple grandkids, for part of the day, in their own house. No one is doing this when they are single and alone and elderly, in someone else's house, 24/7 for two weeks. No. One. And two kids below 6? No way.

OP seems like one of those people who believe in getting the last drop of blood from the MIL because it seems the MIL is dependent on her son for financial help. OP is basically a disgusting POS.

You. Are. Wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just hire a sitter

Yes but on 3 days notice I am scrambling. This is something I would have liked to know about before booking so so could have taken the kids or interviewed sitters and found a good fit

If you want to abandon your kids for two weeks that’s on you but clearly she does not want to be responsible for them.

I cannot help but feel the same thing. Anybody would think a 12-day vacation away from the kids these days is appropriate is also somebody who steamrolled grandma into saying yes in the first place. I would cancel that trip and get serious family therapy.

This is just ridiculous. Plenty of people are happy to watch their grandkids for a couple of weeks.

I don't know of any grandparent who want to watch their grandkids on their own for a couple of weeks. I know of grandparents (husband and wife pair), who will look after a grandchild or multiple grandkids, for part of the day, in their own house. No one is doing this when they are single and alone and elderly, in someone else's house, 24/7 for two weeks. No. One. And two kids below 6? No way.

OP seems like one of those people who believe in getting the last drop of blood from the MIL because it seems the MIL is dependent on her son for financial help. OP is basically a disgusting POS.

You. Are. Wrong.

Funny that you are so confident, yet OP has nobody to watch her independent children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am mildly Team OP, but 12 days is really a ton of time away from a 4 and 6 year old. I wouldn’t do it, even though OP clearly made careful arrangements to make sure the kids had fun activities and MIL was not overburdened. MIL is ridiculous for canceling 3 days before the trip. That’s just awful.

The thing I find most shocking about this situation is that OP and her DH were going to pay the MIL for babysitting. I’ve never heard of that, and I grew up lower income and am now UMC. Is that actually a common thing? No grandparent I know would accept money for watching grandkids, though it’s very common for kids to either have parents move in with them or to pay for assisted living costs. I found it jarring that OP’s DH thought this plan was good because it was a money making opportunity for his mom.

Why is that jarring?
His mom doesn’t work and she lives off social security. It’s a personal decision to do so, not health related. She’s in her early 60’s. We will definitely be taking care of her in retirement and old age due to no savings and we help but it’s just one way she can also make money for travel, etc. We pay for a lot of her travel to visit family but we also have our own expenses and can’t pay for everything she wants.

I just think the dynamic where you are treating her like an employee is bizarre. If you have money and she needs money, you help her out without asking for her to work for you, I’d think.

Agree. It is extremely bizarre for an adult to treat their own parent like a household employee like this. Very disrespectful to your MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I really don't relate to posters who are defending the grandmother. Any responsible person would make sure to cancel before anything is set in stone. It has nothing to do with length of trip, etc. The Grandma knew this before hand. Don't give me the "cold feet" crap. Grandma just ruined the start of OP's holiday and OP is left trying to salvage some fun and relaxation. Any of you would be furious if someone did this to your plans! I would.

+100

-100. I would not be furious. I would change my plans, and that’s life. Because my kids’ health and well-being and safety is more important than a vacation. And I’ve seen directly bad outcomes from caregivers who were stretched to thin, and we’ve certainly all read about them.

+1

Absolutely agree. If the grandmother feels she cannot take care of the kids, then you have to respect her health and state of mind and accept it.

She is not the parent of these children and she does not have to babysit these kids, especially if she thinks she cannot manage it. I am aghast at people who are not concerned that an elderly person is saying that they cannot manage to provide childcare to their grandkids. I would be more concerned about the MIL and make sure that she has her support system and she is looked after. And I would not allow my kids to be taken care of by anyone who is feeling that they cannot do this. There is a big difference to providing care for an hour every day vs taking care of these kids for long stretches for 12 days.

Anyways, what kind of sicko leaves their kids (less than 6 yrs old) for 12 days and goes for an international vacation?

This. Right. Here.

Something similar happened with my mom backtracking on grandkid help for my sister a few years ago. It was so sudden and out of character for her that my sister pressed a bit. It turns out that my mom had had two recent near-accidents in the car and was just starting to question her driving abilities. She wasn’t yet ready to face it, but as my sister’s vacation drew nearer, my mom panicked and pulled out. My sister and her husband reworked their vacation and got some other family members to help out. But what The Deal was turned out to indeed be something significant with my mom’s overall health, independence and yes, capacity to take care of her grandchildren.

Say what you want, neither of you would be happy with your MILs if they backed out of caregiving at the last minute, before an international (and expensive!) trip.
The MIL can have the best reasons in the world, but OP is out a lot of money, was counting on MIL, and you should acknowledge that it's a big disappointment.

I would be furious, OP. The least MIL could have done is back out sooner.

Actually, you are wrong. As someone whose elderly aunt did not speak up and perhaps did not have the capacity to speak up when things started going south for her mentally and physically, and had a severe car accident as a result that hurt a child in the other car, you are wrong. I would absolutely be happy if there were an elderly person in my life who spoke up about health, mental health or mobility problems at any time. Those of you who don’t know this from experience, wow, you just don’t know, and I can’t believe you’re not willing to admit that elderly folks can decline suddenly, and some of them try to hide it—deliberately go out of their way to hide it—because they don’t want to face it.

I also say this as someone whose husband’s grandma still lived alone in her mid-90s. We checked on her often. In one case, I called after a bad storm and she said she was fine. I decided to go over there anyway even though my husband was out of town, and she had no power and very little food in the house. She had also lost her car keys. If I hadn’t have physically gone to check on her even after she said she was fine on the phone, that could have been bad.

I also say that as a former lifeguard who has seen a lot of grandparents watching kids at the pool but not really able to keep up with them. And while that did not lead to a drowning, it sure did lead to a lot of falls/scrapes, and in one choking incident.

Things happen, and if you have an elderly person in your life who is able to be honest with you about their limitations, consider yourself very lucky.

This is all a fiction, based on their OWN family experience, dreamed up by a PP and latched onto by other respondents as if it were fact. There is NO indication that the healthy 60 year old MIL (not 80) who CHOOSES not to work is somehow dramatically medically fading.

[Anonymous]

She sounds terrible. That trip would be too long for me and it probably would have been a better idea to test it out with a weekend trip but what’s done is done. I’m sorry you lost all that money and that you are missing out on the vacation. I would not rely on her for anything ever moving forward.

Book another, shorter, vacation and get everything completely taken care of. Don’t involve her at all and don’t mention the vacation until you are back so she can’t claim to want to “help with the kids” or whatever.