Frustrated with husband and mother in law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just live in a very different community and culture than most of you. Most of our friends send their kids to summer camp for 2 weeks a summer at age 7, most families go away childless for a week, grandparents are involved in many families lives... I just can’t relate to a lot of what is being said here.

The child’s grandmother is very close to my children and involved in their life. It’s good for kids to spend time with grandparents. Don’t take something good and make it into something evil.

Yes, healthy and confident and comfortable grandparents are excellent caregivers. So are camp counselors, youth group trip leaders, etc. No one is saying kids should be with their parents at all times.

What we ARE saying is that if any caregiver—a grandparent, an aunt, a cousin, a camp counselor—express inability to care for a child at any time for any reason, you listen and you make other arrangements.

Argue with that. Go on, argue with that. I’d love to hear it.

I hope your nanny backs out on you last minute because now she’s uncomfortable. When nothing has changed in the agreement. And I hope it costs you lots of money in lost wages. I’m sure you’ll smile and say “oh a caregiver can back out at any time if they feel unable to care for the child”.

NP. If my nanny backed out of an agreement because she was uncomfortable (I’ll go slow so you can follow along):
I
Would
Know
Something
Wasn’t
Right
With
Her

And I would be grateful that she spoke up and didn’t try to force herself into childcare she couldn’t handle.

Sometimes
Nothing
Is
Wrong
And
People
Are
Just
Flakes.

I don’t leave my kids with flaky people. Do you?

Would be lovely if flaky people came labeled, but unfortunately they don’t. It takes experience. And it’s harder when it’s your in laws because there are more dynamics at play. I’d venture a guess that some camp counselor or teacher my child has had could be labeled flaky. Maybe you can pre screen for moral competency/lack of flakiness immediately. Most people can’t.

There are screenings for teachers, daycare workers, lifeguards, camp counselors, etc. Those screenings are called job interviews and references.

When you rely on family members, neighbors or friends, you open the door to a bit of flakiness. But here’s what: better to have someone reveal they are unreliable BEFORE the parents leave for an international trip than during said trip. And if you can’t agree with me on that, don’t bother replying, because we have very different values when it comes to the safety, security and care of our children.

Of course I agree with that. I also believe that there will be consequences to her relationship with her MIL. OP is annoyed and that’s to be expected. They won’t plan to leave the kids with her again. Literally no one has disagreed that it’s better MIL backed out now. For some reason you feel the need to repeat it over and over.

And of course I agree with you that the natural consequence here is that OP is entitled to feel annoyed and that the relationship will take a hit. But here’s what you seem unwilling to admit: OP literally said on page 1, when asked why she was frustrated with her husband, “Because he won’t even try to reason with her.”

Like, you can’t “reason” an unreliable person into being a reliable caregiver. You really support OP in wanting her husband to “reason” his mother into taking this on when she has said directly that she cannot do it? For some reason you need to defend OP over and over in that she’s expecting her husband to browbeat an unwilling elderly woman into being a reliable caregiver during a 12-day international trip.

Not browbeat but at least meet in the middle and stay in our house while we hire a nanny for all hours. I need a family member there but she would not have to do anything but be there.

She said she can’t. Someone you expect to stay overnight in your house with your kids says they can’t do it. So you can’t “need” her into being a competent, reliable, comfortable caregiver for your children. There is no “halfway” for me when it comes to always leaving them with people who are competent, comfortable, confident, reliable and up to the challenge. The fact that you don’t seem to see these red flags waving is very concerning. I get that you are disappointed. But my goodness…you’re so willing to leave your kids with someone who has said it’s too much and they can’t do it. Wow.

Well families help one another. We will be taking care of her for decades because she didn’t plan for retirement. Is it really wrong to ask her to at least sleep at our house so a family member the kids love and care about is with them? We offered to get a working nanny who would also stay and she declined.

She made choices. You can make choices. Whatever. But keep doubling down on wanting literally a flaky, selfish, unreliable, unwilling person to break down and watch your kids. What could go wrong? FINGERS CROSSED!

Well she’s not any of those things. She is a great grandparent overall and enjoys watching the kids. She just changed her mind, and yes I’m disappointed and annoyed it happened this late in the game. It’s fine, we resolved it. But I feel had she and my husband communicated better months ago we could have avoided this and just planned for the kids to go but now it’s a mess canceling and changing so many plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know that scene in “Mary Poppins” where Jane and Michael Banks are writing the ad for the perfect nanny?

“You must be kind, you must be witty
Very sweet and fairly pretty
Take us on outings, give us treats
Sing songs, bring treats”

It’s like OP and her defenders are writing an ad for unwilling MIL to be the nanny during 12 days of parents out of the country

“You must be unreliable, and quite fickle
Very flaky, leave us in a pickle
Be emotionally stunted and unprepared
Have anxiety and make us feel scared”

Sounds great! What could go wrong with that type of care for two young children? Fingers crossed, OP! Maybe you can convince this gem to watch your children after all.

This is also what I don’t get. MIL has showed her true colors, and you still actively want her to ever watch your kids?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just live in a very different community and culture than most of you. Most of our friends send their kids to summer camp for 2 weeks a summer at age 7, most families go away childless for a week, grandparents are involved in many families lives... I just can’t relate to a lot of what is being said here.

The child’s grandmother is very close to my children and involved in their life. It’s good for kids to spend time with grandparents. Don’t take something good and make it into something evil.

Yes, healthy and confident and comfortable grandparents are excellent caregivers. So are camp counselors, youth group trip leaders, etc. No one is saying kids should be with their parents at all times.

What we ARE saying is that if any caregiver—a grandparent, an aunt, a cousin, a camp counselor—express inability to care for a child at any time for any reason, you listen and you make other arrangements.

Argue with that. Go on, argue with that. I’d love to hear it.

I hope your nanny backs out on you last minute because now she’s uncomfortable. When nothing has changed in the agreement. And I hope it costs you lots of money in lost wages. I’m sure you’ll smile and say “oh a caregiver can back out at any time if they feel unable to care for the child”.

NP. If my nanny backed out of an agreement because she was uncomfortable (I’ll go slow so you can follow along):
I
Would
Know
Something
Wasn’t
Right
With
Her

And I would be grateful that she spoke up and didn’t try to force herself into childcare she couldn’t handle.

Sometimes
Nothing
Is
Wrong
And
People
Are
Just
Flakes.

I don’t leave my kids with flaky people. Do you?

Would be lovely if flaky people came labeled, but unfortunately they don’t. It takes experience. And it’s harder when it’s your in laws because there are more dynamics at play. I’d venture a guess that some camp counselor or teacher my child has had could be labeled flaky. Maybe you can pre screen for moral competency/lack of flakiness immediately. Most people can’t.

There are screenings for teachers, daycare workers, lifeguards, camp counselors, etc. Those screenings are called job interviews and references.

When you rely on family members, neighbors or friends, you open the door to a bit of flakiness. But here’s what: better to have someone reveal they are unreliable BEFORE the parents leave for an international trip than during said trip. And if you can’t agree with me on that, don’t bother replying, because we have very different values when it comes to the safety, security and care of our children.

Of course I agree with that. I also believe that there will be consequences to her relationship with her MIL. OP is annoyed and that’s to be expected. They won’t plan to leave the kids with her again. Literally no one has disagreed that it’s better MIL backed out now. For some reason you feel the need to repeat it over and over.

And of course I agree with you that the natural consequence here is that OP is entitled to feel annoyed and that the relationship will take a hit. But here’s what you seem unwilling to admit: OP literally said on page 1, when asked why she was frustrated with her husband, “Because he won’t even try to reason with her.”

Like, you can’t “reason” an unreliable person into being a reliable caregiver. You really support OP in wanting her husband to “reason” his mother into taking this on when she has said directly that she cannot do it? For some reason you need to defend OP over and over in that she’s expecting her husband to browbeat an unwilling elderly woman into being a reliable caregiver during a 12-day international trip.

Not browbeat but at least meet in the middle and stay in our house while we hire a nanny for all hours. I need a family member there but she would not have to do anything but be there.

She said she can’t. Someone you expect to stay overnight in your house with your kids says they can’t do it. So you can’t “need” her into being a competent, reliable, comfortable caregiver for your children. There is no “halfway” for me when it comes to always leaving them with people who are competent, comfortable, confident, reliable and up to the challenge. The fact that you don’t seem to see these red flags waving is very concerning. I get that you are disappointed. But my goodness…you’re so willing to leave your kids with someone who has said it’s too much and they can’t do it. Wow.

Well families help one another. We will be taking care of her for decades because she didn’t plan for retirement. Is it really wrong to ask her to at least sleep at our house so a family member the kids love and care about is with them? We offered to get a working nanny who would also stay and she declined.

It's not wrong to ask. You did. But now you don't like the answer. So, now what? Threaten her? She chooses not to work, but sounds like that's your choice as well. What's your job?

I watch my kids all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just live in a very different community and culture than most of you. Most of our friends send their kids to summer camp for 2 weeks a summer at age 7, most families go away childless for a week, grandparents are involved in many families lives... I just can’t relate to a lot of what is being said here.

The child’s grandmother is very close to my children and involved in their life. It’s good for kids to spend time with grandparents. Don’t take something good and make it into something evil.

Yes, healthy and confident and comfortable grandparents are excellent caregivers. So are camp counselors, youth group trip leaders, etc. No one is saying kids should be with their parents at all times.

What we ARE saying is that if any caregiver—a grandparent, an aunt, a cousin, a camp counselor—express inability to care for a child at any time for any reason, you listen and you make other arrangements.

Argue with that. Go on, argue with that. I’d love to hear it.

I hope your nanny backs out on you last minute because now she’s uncomfortable. When nothing has changed in the agreement. And I hope it costs you lots of money in lost wages. I’m sure you’ll smile and say “oh a caregiver can back out at any time if they feel unable to care for the child”.

NP. If my nanny backed out of an agreement because she was uncomfortable (I’ll go slow so you can follow along):
I
Would
Know
Something
Wasn’t
Right
With
Her

And I would be grateful that she spoke up and didn’t try to force herself into childcare she couldn’t handle.

Sometimes
Nothing
Is
Wrong
And
People
Are
Just
Flakes.

I don’t leave my kids with flaky people. Do you?

Would be lovely if flaky people came labeled, but unfortunately they don’t. It takes experience. And it’s harder when it’s your in laws because there are more dynamics at play. I’d venture a guess that some camp counselor or teacher my child has had could be labeled flaky. Maybe you can pre screen for moral competency/lack of flakiness immediately. Most people can’t.

There are screenings for teachers, daycare workers, lifeguards, camp counselors, etc. Those screenings are called job interviews and references.

When you rely on family members, neighbors or friends, you open the door to a bit of flakiness. But here’s what: better to have someone reveal they are unreliable BEFORE the parents leave for an international trip than during said trip. And if you can’t agree with me on that, don’t bother replying, because we have very different values when it comes to the safety, security and care of our children.

Of course I agree with that. I also believe that there will be consequences to her relationship with her MIL. OP is annoyed and that’s to be expected. They won’t plan to leave the kids with her again. Literally no one has disagreed that it’s better MIL backed out now. For some reason you feel the need to repeat it over and over.

And of course I agree with you that the natural consequence here is that OP is entitled to feel annoyed and that the relationship will take a hit. But here’s what you seem unwilling to admit: OP literally said on page 1, when asked why she was frustrated with her husband, “Because he won’t even try to reason with her.”

Like, you can’t “reason” an unreliable person into being a reliable caregiver. You really support OP in wanting her husband to “reason” his mother into taking this on when she has said directly that she cannot do it? For some reason you need to defend OP over and over in that she’s expecting her husband to browbeat an unwilling elderly woman into being a reliable caregiver during a 12-day international trip.

Not browbeat but at least meet in the middle and stay in our house while we hire a nanny for all hours. I need a family member there but she would not have to do anything but be there.

She said she can’t. Someone you expect to stay overnight in your house with your kids says they can’t do it. So you can’t “need” her into being a competent, reliable, comfortable caregiver for your children. There is no “halfway” for me when it comes to always leaving them with people who are competent, comfortable, confident, reliable and up to the challenge. The fact that you don’t seem to see these red flags waving is very concerning. I get that you are disappointed. But my goodness…you’re so willing to leave your kids with someone who has said it’s too much and they can’t do it. Wow.

Well families help one another. We will be taking care of her for decades because she didn’t plan for retirement. Is it really wrong to ask her to at least sleep at our house so a family member the kids love and care about is with them? We offered to get a working nanny who would also stay and she declined.

It's not wrong to ask. You did. But now you don't like the answer. So, now what? Threaten her? She chooses not to work, but sounds like that's your choice as well. What's your job?

I watch my kids all day.

Except for when they are taking care of themselves, like making breakfast and dinner, bathing themselves, etc. You painted your kids out as totally independents. Tough job. How are your retirement plans? What if your husband kicks the bucket?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just live in a very different community and culture than most of you. Most of our friends send their kids to summer camp for 2 weeks a summer at age 7, most families go away childless for a week, grandparents are involved in many families lives... I just can’t relate to a lot of what is being said here.

The child’s grandmother is very close to my children and involved in their life. It’s good for kids to spend time with grandparents. Don’t take something good and make it into something evil.

Yes, healthy and confident and comfortable grandparents are excellent caregivers. So are camp counselors, youth group trip leaders, etc. No one is saying kids should be with their parents at all times.

What we ARE saying is that if any caregiver—a grandparent, an aunt, a cousin, a camp counselor—express inability to care for a child at any time for any reason, you listen and you make other arrangements.

Argue with that. Go on, argue with that. I’d love to hear it.

I hope your nanny backs out on you last minute because now she’s uncomfortable. When nothing has changed in the agreement. And I hope it costs you lots of money in lost wages. I’m sure you’ll smile and say “oh a caregiver can back out at any time if they feel unable to care for the child”.

NP. If my nanny backed out of an agreement because she was uncomfortable (I’ll go slow so you can follow along):
I
Would
Know
Something
Wasn’t
Right
With
Her

And I would be grateful that she spoke up and didn’t try to force herself into childcare she couldn’t handle.

Sometimes
Nothing
Is
Wrong
And
People
Are
Just
Flakes.

I don’t leave my kids with flaky people. Do you?

Would be lovely if flaky people came labeled, but unfortunately they don’t. It takes experience. And it’s harder when it’s your in laws because there are more dynamics at play. I’d venture a guess that some camp counselor or teacher my child has had could be labeled flaky. Maybe you can pre screen for moral competency/lack of flakiness immediately. Most people can’t.

There are screenings for teachers, daycare workers, lifeguards, camp counselors, etc. Those screenings are called job interviews and references.

When you rely on family members, neighbors or friends, you open the door to a bit of flakiness. But here’s what: better to have someone reveal they are unreliable BEFORE the parents leave for an international trip than during said trip. And if you can’t agree with me on that, don’t bother replying, because we have very different values when it comes to the safety, security and care of our children.

Of course I agree with that. I also believe that there will be consequences to her relationship with her MIL. OP is annoyed and that’s to be expected. They won’t plan to leave the kids with her again. Literally no one has disagreed that it’s better MIL backed out now. For some reason you feel the need to repeat it over and over.

And of course I agree with you that the natural consequence here is that OP is entitled to feel annoyed and that the relationship will take a hit. But here’s what you seem unwilling to admit: OP literally said on page 1, when asked why she was frustrated with her husband, “Because he won’t even try to reason with her.”

Like, you can’t “reason” an unreliable person into being a reliable caregiver. You really support OP in wanting her husband to “reason” his mother into taking this on when she has said directly that she cannot do it? For some reason you need to defend OP over and over in that she’s expecting her husband to browbeat an unwilling elderly woman into being a reliable caregiver during a 12-day international trip.

Not browbeat but at least meet in the middle and stay in our house while we hire a nanny for all hours. I need a family member there but she would not have to do anything but be there.

She said she can’t. Someone you expect to stay overnight in your house with your kids says they can’t do it. So you can’t “need” her into being a competent, reliable, comfortable caregiver for your children. There is no “halfway” for me when it comes to always leaving them with people who are competent, comfortable, confident, reliable and up to the challenge. The fact that you don’t seem to see these red flags waving is very concerning. I get that you are disappointed. But my goodness…you’re so willing to leave your kids with someone who has said it’s too much and they can’t do it. Wow.

Well families help one another. We will be taking care of her for decades because she didn’t plan for retirement. Is it really wrong to ask her to at least sleep at our house so a family member the kids love and care about is with them? We offered to get a working nanny who would also stay and she declined.

It's not wrong to ask. You did. But now you don't like the answer. So, now what? Threaten her? She chooses not to work, but sounds like that's your choice as well. What's your job?

I watch my kids all day.

Except for when they are taking care of themselves, like making breakfast and dinner, bathing themselves, etc. You painted your kids out as totally independents. Tough job. How are your retirement plans? What if your husband kicks the bucket?

I have a fully funded retirement personally from before staying home (several hundred k+, in 30’s) and we both have life insurance of several million but thanks? We have a paid off home.
Yes. my kids make their own breakfast and take their own showers. That’s a good thing. You shouldn’t be bathing a 6 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just live in a very different community and culture than most of you. Most of our friends send their kids to summer camp for 2 weeks a summer at age 7, most families go away childless for a week, grandparents are involved in many families lives... I just can’t relate to a lot of what is being said here.

The child’s grandmother is very close to my children and involved in their life. It’s good for kids to spend time with grandparents. Don’t take something good and make it into something evil.

Yes, healthy and confident and comfortable grandparents are excellent caregivers. So are camp counselors, youth group trip leaders, etc. No one is saying kids should be with their parents at all times.

What we ARE saying is that if any caregiver—a grandparent, an aunt, a cousin, a camp counselor—express inability to care for a child at any time for any reason, you listen and you make other arrangements.

Argue with that. Go on, argue with that. I’d love to hear it.

I hope your nanny backs out on you last minute because now she’s uncomfortable. When nothing has changed in the agreement. And I hope it costs you lots of money in lost wages. I’m sure you’ll smile and say “oh a caregiver can back out at any time if they feel unable to care for the child”.

NP. If my nanny backed out of an agreement because she was uncomfortable (I’ll go slow so you can follow along):
I
Would
Know
Something
Wasn’t
Right
With
Her

And I would be grateful that she spoke up and didn’t try to force herself into childcare she couldn’t handle.

Sometimes
Nothing
Is
Wrong
And
People
Are
Just
Flakes.

I don’t leave my kids with flaky people. Do you?

Would be lovely if flaky people came labeled, but unfortunately they don’t. It takes experience. And it’s harder when it’s your in laws because there are more dynamics at play. I’d venture a guess that some camp counselor or teacher my child has had could be labeled flaky. Maybe you can pre screen for moral competency/lack of flakiness immediately. Most people can’t.

There are screenings for teachers, daycare workers, lifeguards, camp counselors, etc. Those screenings are called job interviews and references.

When you rely on family members, neighbors or friends, you open the door to a bit of flakiness. But here’s what: better to have someone reveal they are unreliable BEFORE the parents leave for an international trip than during said trip. And if you can’t agree with me on that, don’t bother replying, because we have very different values when it comes to the safety, security and care of our children.

Of course I agree with that. I also believe that there will be consequences to her relationship with her MIL. OP is annoyed and that’s to be expected. They won’t plan to leave the kids with her again. Literally no one has disagreed that it’s better MIL backed out now. For some reason you feel the need to repeat it over and over.

And of course I agree with you that the natural consequence here is that OP is entitled to feel annoyed and that the relationship will take a hit. But here’s what you seem unwilling to admit: OP literally said on page 1, when asked why she was frustrated with her husband, “Because he won’t even try to reason with her.”

Like, you can’t “reason” an unreliable person into being a reliable caregiver. You really support OP in wanting her husband to “reason” his mother into taking this on when she has said directly that she cannot do it? For some reason you need to defend OP over and over in that she’s expecting her husband to browbeat an unwilling elderly woman into being a reliable caregiver during a 12-day international trip.

Not browbeat but at least meet in the middle and stay in our house while we hire a nanny for all hours. I need a family member there but she would not have to do anything but be there.

She said she can’t. Someone you expect to stay overnight in your house with your kids says they can’t do it. So you can’t “need” her into being a competent, reliable, comfortable caregiver for your children. There is no “halfway” for me when it comes to always leaving them with people who are competent, comfortable, confident, reliable and up to the challenge. The fact that you don’t seem to see these red flags waving is very concerning. I get that you are disappointed. But my goodness…you’re so willing to leave your kids with someone who has said it’s too much and they can’t do it. Wow.

Well families help one another. We will be taking care of her for decades because she didn’t plan for retirement. Is it really wrong to ask her to at least sleep at our house so a family member the kids love and care about is with them? We offered to get a working nanny who would also stay and she declined.

It's not wrong to ask. You did. But now you don't like the answer. So, now what? Threaten her? She chooses not to work, but sounds like that's your choice as well. What's your job?

I watch my kids all day.

Except for when they are taking care of themselves, like making breakfast and dinner, bathing themselves, etc. You painted your kids out as totally independents. Tough job. How are your retirement plans? What if your husband kicks the bucket?

I have a fully funded retirement personally from before staying home (several hundred k+, in 30’s) and we both have life insurance of several million but thanks? We have a paid off home.
Yes. my kids make their own breakfast and take their own showers. That’s a good thing. You shouldn’t be bathing a 6 year old.

You don’t make breakfast for your 4yo. Sorry, there’s no getting around that. THAT is terrible parenting. And you don’t even work. What are you doing while your 4yo and 6yo are making themselves sugary waffles for breakfast every morning, sleeping in? -np

[Anonymous]

FWIW, my mom would be thrilled to watch my kids for this long. She loves spending time with them and doesn't see it as "taking advantage." She and my stepfather see it as a perk of being grandparents. My kids are very close to them and now that they're teens they all regularly text and have great relationships- because my parents put in the time to develop those relationships. My MIL on the other hand would never want to keep the kids. That's certainly her choice, but she also wonders why the kids aren't very close to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just live in a very different community and culture than most of you. Most of our friends send their kids to summer camp for 2 weeks a summer at age 7, most families go away childless for a week, grandparents are involved in many families lives... I just can’t relate to a lot of what is being said here.

The child’s grandmother is very close to my children and involved in their life. It’s good for kids to spend time with grandparents. Don’t take something good and make it into something evil.

Yes, healthy and confident and comfortable grandparents are excellent caregivers. So are camp counselors, youth group trip leaders, etc. No one is saying kids should be with their parents at all times.

What we ARE saying is that if any caregiver—a grandparent, an aunt, a cousin, a camp counselor—express inability to care for a child at any time for any reason, you listen and you make other arrangements.

Argue with that. Go on, argue with that. I’d love to hear it.

I hope your nanny backs out on you last minute because now she’s uncomfortable. When nothing has changed in the agreement. And I hope it costs you lots of money in lost wages. I’m sure you’ll smile and say “oh a caregiver can back out at any time if they feel unable to care for the child”.

NP. If my nanny backed out of an agreement because she was uncomfortable (I’ll go slow so you can follow along):
I
Would
Know
Something
Wasn’t
Right
With
Her

And I would be grateful that she spoke up and didn’t try to force herself into childcare she couldn’t handle.

Sometimes
Nothing
Is
Wrong
And
People
Are
Just
Flakes.

I don’t leave my kids with flaky people. Do you?

Would be lovely if flaky people came labeled, but unfortunately they don’t. It takes experience. And it’s harder when it’s your in laws because there are more dynamics at play. I’d venture a guess that some camp counselor or teacher my child has had could be labeled flaky. Maybe you can pre screen for moral competency/lack of flakiness immediately. Most people can’t.

There are screenings for teachers, daycare workers, lifeguards, camp counselors, etc. Those screenings are called job interviews and references.

When you rely on family members, neighbors or friends, you open the door to a bit of flakiness. But here’s what: better to have someone reveal they are unreliable BEFORE the parents leave for an international trip than during said trip. And if you can’t agree with me on that, don’t bother replying, because we have very different values when it comes to the safety, security and care of our children.

Of course I agree with that. I also believe that there will be consequences to her relationship with her MIL. OP is annoyed and that’s to be expected. They won’t plan to leave the kids with her again. Literally no one has disagreed that it’s better MIL backed out now. For some reason you feel the need to repeat it over and over.

And of course I agree with you that the natural consequence here is that OP is entitled to feel annoyed and that the relationship will take a hit. But here’s what you seem unwilling to admit: OP literally said on page 1, when asked why she was frustrated with her husband, “Because he won’t even try to reason with her.”

Like, you can’t “reason” an unreliable person into being a reliable caregiver. You really support OP in wanting her husband to “reason” his mother into taking this on when she has said directly that she cannot do it? For some reason you need to defend OP over and over in that she’s expecting her husband to browbeat an unwilling elderly woman into being a reliable caregiver during a 12-day international trip.

Not browbeat but at least meet in the middle and stay in our house while we hire a nanny for all hours. I need a family member there but she would not have to do anything but be there.

She said she can’t. Someone you expect to stay overnight in your house with your kids says they can’t do it. So you can’t “need” her into being a competent, reliable, comfortable caregiver for your children. There is no “halfway” for me when it comes to always leaving them with people who are competent, comfortable, confident, reliable and up to the challenge. The fact that you don’t seem to see these red flags waving is very concerning. I get that you are disappointed. But my goodness…you’re so willing to leave your kids with someone who has said it’s too much and they can’t do it. Wow.

Well families help one another. We will be taking care of her for decades because she didn’t plan for retirement. Is it really wrong to ask her to at least sleep at our house so a family member the kids love and care about is with them? We offered to get a working nanny who would also stay and she declined.

It's not wrong to ask. You did. But now you don't like the answer. So, now what? Threaten her? She chooses not to work, but sounds like that's your choice as well. What's your job?

I watch my kids all day.

Except for when they are taking care of themselves, like making breakfast and dinner, bathing themselves, etc. You painted your kids out as totally independents. Tough job. How are your retirement plans? What if your husband kicks the bucket?

I have a fully funded retirement personally from before staying home (several hundred k+, in 30’s) and we both have life insurance of several million but thanks? We have a paid off home.
Yes. my kids make their own breakfast and take their own showers. That’s a good thing. You shouldn’t be bathing a 6 year old.

You don’t make breakfast for your 4yo. Sorry, there’s no getting around that. THAT is terrible parenting. And you don’t even work. What are you doing while your 4yo and 6yo are making themselves sugary waffles for breakfast every morning, sleeping in? -np

My kids want to make it themselves. I make homemade protein waffles and he eats them frozen how he prefers. The horror!

[Anonymous]

OP, quit engaging with the crazies on here. You sound remarkably forgiving of your MIL. I would definitely be angling for diminished contact at this. You are a better woman than I.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just live in a very different community and culture than most of you. Most of our friends send their kids to summer camp for 2 weeks a summer at age 7, most families go away childless for a week, grandparents are involved in many families lives... I just can’t relate to a lot of what is being said here.

The child’s grandmother is very close to my children and involved in their life. It’s good for kids to spend time with grandparents. Don’t take something good and make it into something evil.

Yes, healthy and confident and comfortable grandparents are excellent caregivers. So are camp counselors, youth group trip leaders, etc. No one is saying kids should be with their parents at all times.

What we ARE saying is that if any caregiver—a grandparent, an aunt, a cousin, a camp counselor—express inability to care for a child at any time for any reason, you listen and you make other arrangements.

Argue with that. Go on, argue with that. I’d love to hear it.

I hope your nanny backs out on you last minute because now she’s uncomfortable. When nothing has changed in the agreement. And I hope it costs you lots of money in lost wages. I’m sure you’ll smile and say “oh a caregiver can back out at any time if they feel unable to care for the child”.

NP. If my nanny backed out of an agreement because she was uncomfortable (I’ll go slow so you can follow along):
I
Would
Know
Something
Wasn’t
Right
With
Her

And I would be grateful that she spoke up and didn’t try to force herself into childcare she couldn’t handle.

Sometimes
Nothing
Is
Wrong
And
People
Are
Just
Flakes.

I don’t leave my kids with flaky people. Do you?

Would be lovely if flaky people came labeled, but unfortunately they don’t. It takes experience. And it’s harder when it’s your in laws because there are more dynamics at play. I’d venture a guess that some camp counselor or teacher my child has had could be labeled flaky. Maybe you can pre screen for moral competency/lack of flakiness immediately. Most people can’t.

There are screenings for teachers, daycare workers, lifeguards, camp counselors, etc. Those screenings are called job interviews and references.

When you rely on family members, neighbors or friends, you open the door to a bit of flakiness. But here’s what: better to have someone reveal they are unreliable BEFORE the parents leave for an international trip than during said trip. And if you can’t agree with me on that, don’t bother replying, because we have very different values when it comes to the safety, security and care of our children.

Of course I agree with that. I also believe that there will be consequences to her relationship with her MIL. OP is annoyed and that’s to be expected. They won’t plan to leave the kids with her again. Literally no one has disagreed that it’s better MIL backed out now. For some reason you feel the need to repeat it over and over.

And of course I agree with you that the natural consequence here is that OP is entitled to feel annoyed and that the relationship will take a hit. But here’s what you seem unwilling to admit: OP literally said on page 1, when asked why she was frustrated with her husband, “Because he won’t even try to reason with her.”

Like, you can’t “reason” an unreliable person into being a reliable caregiver. You really support OP in wanting her husband to “reason” his mother into taking this on when she has said directly that she cannot do it? For some reason you need to defend OP over and over in that she’s expecting her husband to browbeat an unwilling elderly woman into being a reliable caregiver during a 12-day international trip.

Not browbeat but at least meet in the middle and stay in our house while we hire a nanny for all hours. I need a family member there but she would not have to do anything but be there.

She said she can’t. Someone you expect to stay overnight in your house with your kids says they can’t do it. So you can’t “need” her into being a competent, reliable, comfortable caregiver for your children. There is no “halfway” for me when it comes to always leaving them with people who are competent, comfortable, confident, reliable and up to the challenge. The fact that you don’t seem to see these red flags waving is very concerning. I get that you are disappointed. But my goodness…you’re so willing to leave your kids with someone who has said it’s too much and they can’t do it. Wow.

Well families help one another. We will be taking care of her for decades because she didn’t plan for retirement. Is it really wrong to ask her to at least sleep at our house so a family member the kids love and care about is with them? We offered to get a working nanny who would also stay and she declined.

It's not wrong to ask. You did. But now you don't like the answer. So, now what? Threaten her? She chooses not to work, but sounds like that's your choice as well. What's your job?

I watch my kids all day.

Except for when they are taking care of themselves, like making breakfast and dinner, bathing themselves, etc. You painted your kids out as totally independents. Tough job. How are your retirement plans? What if your husband kicks the bucket?

I have a fully funded retirement personally from before staying home (several hundred k+, in 30’s) and we both have life insurance of several million but thanks? We have a paid off home.
Yes. my kids make their own breakfast and take their own showers. That’s a good thing. You shouldn’t be bathing a 6 year old.

You don’t make breakfast for your 4yo. Sorry, there’s no getting around that. THAT is terrible parenting. And you don’t even work. What are you doing while your 4yo and 6yo are making themselves sugary waffles for breakfast every morning, sleeping in? -np

My kids want to make it themselves. I make homemade protein waffles and he eats them frozen how he prefers. The horror!

Oh, now they’re frozen protein waffles! Sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just live in a very different community and culture than most of you. Most of our friends send their kids to summer camp for 2 weeks a summer at age 7, most families go away childless for a week, grandparents are involved in many families lives... I just can’t relate to a lot of what is being said here.

The child’s grandmother is very close to my children and involved in their life. It’s good for kids to spend time with grandparents. Don’t take something good and make it into something evil.

Yes, healthy and confident and comfortable grandparents are excellent caregivers. So are camp counselors, youth group trip leaders, etc. No one is saying kids should be with their parents at all times.

What we ARE saying is that if any caregiver—a grandparent, an aunt, a cousin, a camp counselor—express inability to care for a child at any time for any reason, you listen and you make other arrangements.

Argue with that. Go on, argue with that. I’d love to hear it.

I hope your nanny backs out on you last minute because now she’s uncomfortable. When nothing has changed in the agreement. And I hope it costs you lots of money in lost wages. I’m sure you’ll smile and say “oh a caregiver can back out at any time if they feel unable to care for the child”.

NP. If my nanny backed out of an agreement because she was uncomfortable (I’ll go slow so you can follow along):
I
Would
Know
Something
Wasn’t
Right
With
Her

And I would be grateful that she spoke up and didn’t try to force herself into childcare she couldn’t handle.

Sometimes
Nothing
Is
Wrong
And
People
Are
Just
Flakes.

I don’t leave my kids with flaky people. Do you?

Would be lovely if flaky people came labeled, but unfortunately they don’t. It takes experience. And it’s harder when it’s your in laws because there are more dynamics at play. I’d venture a guess that some camp counselor or teacher my child has had could be labeled flaky. Maybe you can pre screen for moral competency/lack of flakiness immediately. Most people can’t.

There are screenings for teachers, daycare workers, lifeguards, camp counselors, etc. Those screenings are called job interviews and references.

When you rely on family members, neighbors or friends, you open the door to a bit of flakiness. But here’s what: better to have someone reveal they are unreliable BEFORE the parents leave for an international trip than during said trip. And if you can’t agree with me on that, don’t bother replying, because we have very different values when it comes to the safety, security and care of our children.

Of course I agree with that. I also believe that there will be consequences to her relationship with her MIL. OP is annoyed and that’s to be expected. They won’t plan to leave the kids with her again. Literally no one has disagreed that it’s better MIL backed out now. For some reason you feel the need to repeat it over and over.

And of course I agree with you that the natural consequence here is that OP is entitled to feel annoyed and that the relationship will take a hit. But here’s what you seem unwilling to admit: OP literally said on page 1, when asked why she was frustrated with her husband, “Because he won’t even try to reason with her.”

Like, you can’t “reason” an unreliable person into being a reliable caregiver. You really support OP in wanting her husband to “reason” his mother into taking this on when she has said directly that she cannot do it? For some reason you need to defend OP over and over in that she’s expecting her husband to browbeat an unwilling elderly woman into being a reliable caregiver during a 12-day international trip.

Not browbeat but at least meet in the middle and stay in our house while we hire a nanny for all hours. I need a family member there but she would not have to do anything but be there.

She said she can’t. Someone you expect to stay overnight in your house with your kids says they can’t do it. So you can’t “need” her into being a competent, reliable, comfortable caregiver for your children. There is no “halfway” for me when it comes to always leaving them with people who are competent, comfortable, confident, reliable and up to the challenge. The fact that you don’t seem to see these red flags waving is very concerning. I get that you are disappointed. But my goodness…you’re so willing to leave your kids with someone who has said it’s too much and they can’t do it. Wow.

Well families help one another. We will be taking care of her for decades because she didn’t plan for retirement. Is it really wrong to ask her to at least sleep at our house so a family member the kids love and care about is with them? We offered to get a working nanny who would also stay and she declined.

It's not wrong to ask. You did. But now you don't like the answer. So, now what? Threaten her? She chooses not to work, but sounds like that's your choice as well. What's your job?

I watch my kids all day.

Except for when they are taking care of themselves, like making breakfast and dinner, bathing themselves, etc. You painted your kids out as totally independents. Tough job. How are your retirement plans? What if your husband kicks the bucket?

I have a fully funded retirement personally from before staying home (several hundred k+, in 30’s) and we both have life insurance of several million but thanks? We have a paid off home.
Yes. my kids make their own breakfast and take their own showers. That’s a good thing. You shouldn’t be bathing a 6 year old.

Yet you’ve been whining about money and fees this entire thread. Maybe get a job so you can actually afford this fantasy trip?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know that scene in “Mary Poppins” where Jane and Michael Banks are writing the ad for the perfect nanny?

“You must be kind, you must be witty
Very sweet and fairly pretty
Take us on outings, give us treats
Sing songs, bring treats”

It’s like OP and her defenders are writing an ad for unwilling MIL to be the nanny during 12 days of parents out of the country

“You must be unreliable, and quite fickle
Very flaky, leave us in a pickle
Be emotionally stunted and unprepared
Have anxiety and make us feel scared”

Sounds great! What could go wrong with that type of care for two young children? Fingers crossed, OP! Maybe you can convince this gem to watch your children after all.

This is also what I don’t get. MIL has showed her true colors, and you still actively want her to ever watch your kids?!

+100.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just live in a very different community and culture than most of you. Most of our friends send their kids to summer camp for 2 weeks a summer at age 7, most families go away childless for a week, grandparents are involved in many families lives... I just can’t relate to a lot of what is being said here.

The child’s grandmother is very close to my children and involved in their life. It’s good for kids to spend time with grandparents. Don’t take something good and make it into something evil.

Yes, healthy and confident and comfortable grandparents are excellent caregivers. So are camp counselors, youth group trip leaders, etc. No one is saying kids should be with their parents at all times.

What we ARE saying is that if any caregiver—a grandparent, an aunt, a cousin, a camp counselor—express inability to care for a child at any time for any reason, you listen and you make other arrangements.

Argue with that. Go on, argue with that. I’d love to hear it.

I hope your nanny backs out on you last minute because now she’s uncomfortable. When nothing has changed in the agreement. And I hope it costs you lots of money in lost wages. I’m sure you’ll smile and say “oh a caregiver can back out at any time if they feel unable to care for the child”.

NP. If my nanny backed out of an agreement because she was uncomfortable (I’ll go slow so you can follow along):
I
Would
Know
Something
Wasn’t
Right
With
Her

And I would be grateful that she spoke up and didn’t try to force herself into childcare she couldn’t handle.

Sometimes
Nothing
Is
Wrong
And
People
Are
Just
Flakes.

I don’t leave my kids with flaky people. Do you?

Would be lovely if flaky people came labeled, but unfortunately they don’t. It takes experience. And it’s harder when it’s your in laws because there are more dynamics at play. I’d venture a guess that some camp counselor or teacher my child has had could be labeled flaky. Maybe you can pre screen for moral competency/lack of flakiness immediately. Most people can’t.

There are screenings for teachers, daycare workers, lifeguards, camp counselors, etc. Those screenings are called job interviews and references.

When you rely on family members, neighbors or friends, you open the door to a bit of flakiness. But here’s what: better to have someone reveal they are unreliable BEFORE the parents leave for an international trip than during said trip. And if you can’t agree with me on that, don’t bother replying, because we have very different values when it comes to the safety, security and care of our children.

Of course I agree with that. I also believe that there will be consequences to her relationship with her MIL. OP is annoyed and that’s to be expected. They won’t plan to leave the kids with her again. Literally no one has disagreed that it’s better MIL backed out now. For some reason you feel the need to repeat it over and over.

And of course I agree with you that the natural consequence here is that OP is entitled to feel annoyed and that the relationship will take a hit. But here’s what you seem unwilling to admit: OP literally said on page 1, when asked why she was frustrated with her husband, “Because he won’t even try to reason with her.”

Like, you can’t “reason” an unreliable person into being a reliable caregiver. You really support OP in wanting her husband to “reason” his mother into taking this on when she has said directly that she cannot do it? For some reason you need to defend OP over and over in that she’s expecting her husband to browbeat an unwilling elderly woman into being a reliable caregiver during a 12-day international trip.

Not browbeat but at least meet in the middle and stay in our house while we hire a nanny for all hours. I need a family member there but she would not have to do anything but be there.

She said she can’t. Someone you expect to stay overnight in your house with your kids says they can’t do it. So you can’t “need” her into being a competent, reliable, comfortable caregiver for your children. There is no “halfway” for me when it comes to always leaving them with people who are competent, comfortable, confident, reliable and up to the challenge. The fact that you don’t seem to see these red flags waving is very concerning. I get that you are disappointed. But my goodness…you’re so willing to leave your kids with someone who has said it’s too much and they can’t do it. Wow.

Well families help one another. We will be taking care of her for decades because she didn’t plan for retirement. Is it really wrong to ask her to at least sleep at our house so a family member the kids love and care about is with them? We offered to get a working nanny who would also stay and she declined.

It's not wrong to ask. You did. But now you don't like the answer. So, now what? Threaten her? She chooses not to work, but sounds like that's your choice as well. What's your job?

I watch my kids all day.

Except for when they are taking care of themselves, like making breakfast and dinner, bathing themselves, etc. You painted your kids out as totally independents. Tough job. How are your retirement plans? What if your husband kicks the bucket?

I have a fully funded retirement personally from before staying home (several hundred k+, in 30’s) and we both have life insurance of several million but thanks? We have a paid off home.
Yes. my kids make their own breakfast and take their own showers. That’s a good thing. You shouldn’t be bathing a 6 year old.

Yet you’ve been whining about money and fees this entire thread. Maybe get a job so you can actually afford this fantasy trip?

No issue paying her or services but not into paying change fees that could have been avoided!

[Anonymous]

My kids could get their own breakfast by 4 too. I’d make stuff ahead of time for them to heat up. I don’t get why this is so hard to believe - it’s not rocket science to warm up waffles, get a bowl of cereal or make toast. Good for you, OP on raising independent kids. Fwiw I spend plenty of mornings making my kids a good hot breakfast with eggs, but they could also handle doing it solo for a bit in OPs situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids could get their own breakfast by 4 too. I’d make stuff ahead of time for them to heat up. I don’t get why this is so hard to believe - it’s not rocket science to warm up waffles, get a bowl of cereal or make toast. Good for you, OP on raising independent kids. Fwiw I spend plenty of mornings making my kids a good hot breakfast with eggs, but they could also handle doing it solo for a bit in OPs situation.

So they could use a microwave or stove by age 4? They could safely use those appliances and reach them?