How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

I feel sad that your new DH is not paying for your daughter's education. He ought to understand that makes things very awkward both for his stepdaughter and for OP. OP's daughter is the Cinderella of this situation, without a knight or a fairy to rescue her. Even her mama sold her downriver. I haven't read the 17 pages, only the first, so maybe I'm missing some information.

If I were OP, I would sit down and have a heart to heart with DH. Explain to him, since he's an idiot, that his help is needed. Exert pressure. Deny sex. Silent treatment. Disapproval. Maximum pressure. Why? Because it's her daughter, and because evidently he's either clueless, or an ass. I'd be pissed if he hadn't generously and profusely insisted on paying for his step daughter's education, without being prompted. I mean, are they married, or not? If money is no issue for him, why withhold the needed assistance?

What a peach the man is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see so many harping on the mom and stepdad but the bio dad gets a free pass. How about the SD and his ex made years worth of financially plans and saved for the kids they shared and now he does not have the funds to also pay for the stepdaughter, how is that unfair. That does not mean he may not contribute something, living expenses, books, etc. but to expect that he has to foot the tuition is over the top.
As for other lifestyle things, those kids also have a rich mom.

We don't even know that he doesn't have the money to pay for OP's daughter. OP hasn't even talked to him about it, because their marriage is so great that they don't treat each other kids as family or talk about their kids' education or anything. OP has saved peanuts for college, despite having had her living expenses paid for for the past six years. But her daughter will be treated as having access to her mom's husband's assets, so she won't get any financial aid. We don't know that the daughter expects him to pay all of her tuition -- she's resentful that her mom is riding the gravy train because she married a guy with more money, and mom has no sympathy for her daughter who is apparently not considered family by the man who has been married to her mom for a third of her life.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if your DH sees this as a 4 year problem rather than one that will likely impact family relations for decades.

[Anonymous]

1) I generally think stepparents that rank kids are bad news bears and they are foundationally harmful to the children. Especially when there is a large imbalance between different sets of children. This may or may not be fair or reasonable, but a parent that doesn't consider this when choosing to remarry is neglectful

2) Your primary issue seems to be your DD alienating DH and his children. But why should she care about alienating people who clearly do not care for her? The ramifications of this are extreme and long lasting. She will be in debt for decades as a direct result of your marriage. It will strangle her ability to build wealth. And this isn't your 30k causing this, its the actual piece of paper saying you are married to your DH. Everyone in this situation probably understands this. So expecting your daughter to love and care about people who clearly do not love and care about her seems very gaslighty

3) Your marriage has actually COST your daughter money. She would be better off if you had not married even if it meant you had been unable to save the 30k

4) It is clear you should divorce your husband on paper for five years to at least ensure she has the benefit of applying for FAFSA under her true financial situation. If you don't do this, her anger will forever be justified

TLDR: Your DH isn't obligated to pay, but he should be helping to solve the problem, by either making an 'on paper' divorce an easy option or by making up the difference she would be receiving in FAFSA. If her 'sisters' cared about her they would be having the convo you are too scared to with your DH. If you cared about her more than your marriage, you would be approaching this like a problem solving team and not treating her like a Cinderella to sweep under the rug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Contact questbridge.org about College Match. they might give special consideration to DH finances as separate, and if you really earn very little, they might pay for college

Questbridge is not going to divert money from students who are genuinely low income to pay for this child's tuition.

If DH won't offer nickel, mother earns less than 60k, deadbeat dad they might.

The daughter is learning an important life lesson.

Nothing in life is free

You can’t pick your birth dads (many of us have f’d up parent(s))

Divorce happens. Remarriages happen.

Pick your major and hardest well paying career path possible. Male or female.

She needs to get some maturity and coping skills. Life isn’t fair and fair isn’t handouts.

life is not always fair but getting screwed up by your own mother and then lectured for noticing it is really not that common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad that your new DH is not paying for your daughter's education. He ought to understand that makes things very awkward both for his stepdaughter and for OP. OP's daughter is the Cinderella of this situation, without a knight or a fairy to rescue her. Even her mama sold her downriver. I haven't read the 17 pages, only the first, so maybe I'm missing some information.

If I were OP, I would sit down and have a heart to heart with DH. Explain to him, since he's an idiot, that his help is needed. Exert pressure. Deny sex. Silent treatment. Disapproval. Maximum pressure. Why? Because it's her daughter, and because evidently he's either clueless, or an ass. I'd be pissed if he hadn't generously and profusely insisted on paying for his step daughter's education, without being prompted. I mean, are they married, or not? If money is no issue for him, why withhold the needed assistance?

What a peach the man is.

But OP's daughter has a father.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know that I think stepdad should pony up for the expensive school. But the OP seems like a total jerk not to recognize how she screwed over her daughter. There needs to be a larger discussion with both stepdad and dad on what to do, but OP should at least acknowledge to her daughter that she was (I) either too ignorant to anticipate this issue or (2) she was just too selfish too care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She can go to college she just doesn't want to go to her dream school. Oh well that's life. If it was that important to her she would have been working on a plan long before now.

So after DD witnessed the steps going to private college, and being told the summer before senior year that she only has $30k and will not qualify for financial aid, this CHILD was supposed to have the foresight to anticipate this AND the means to somehow scrape together another 90k to go to the state school??? This is hands down the stupidest comment ever posted on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) I generally think stepparents that rank kids are bad news bears and they are foundationally harmful to the children. Especially when there is a large imbalance between different sets of children. This may or may not be fair or reasonable, but a parent that doesn't consider this when choosing to remarry is neglectful

2) Your primary issue seems to be your DD alienating DH and his children. But why should she care about alienating people who clearly do not care for her? The ramifications of this are extreme and long lasting. She will be in debt for decades as a direct result of your marriage. It will strangle her ability to build wealth. And this isn't your 30k causing this, its the actual piece of paper saying you are married to your DH. Everyone in this situation probably understands this. So expecting your daughter to love and care about people who clearly do not love and care about her seems very gaslighty

3) Your marriage has actually COST your daughter money. She would be better off if you had not married even if it meant you had been unable to save the 30k

4) It is clear you should divorce your husband on paper for five years to at least ensure she has the benefit of applying for FAFSA under her true financial situation. If you don't do this, her anger will forever be justified

TLDR: Your DH isn't obligated to pay, but he should be helping to solve the problem, by either making an 'on paper' divorce an easy option or by making up the difference she would be receiving in FAFSA. If her 'sisters' cared about her they would be having the convo you are too scared to with your DH. If you cared about her more than your marriage, you would be approaching this like a problem solving team and not treating her like a Cinderella to sweep under the rug.

+1

I'm not even saying OP should divorce her husband, but she AND her husband ought to be thinking about whether and how they can help her daughter. That might not mean four years of full tuition, but it ought to mean that they talk seriously about what the possibilities are, and do what they can.

[Anonymous]

I am kind of LOLing at all the people who keep telling her to ask her husband.

Isn’t it obvious that she signed a prenup? She knows the answer is NO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad that your new DH is not paying for your daughter's education. He ought to understand that makes things very awkward both for his stepdaughter and for OP. OP's daughter is the Cinderella of this situation, without a knight or a fairy to rescue her. Even her mama sold her downriver. I haven't read the 17 pages, only the first, so maybe I'm missing some information.

If I were OP, I would sit down and have a heart to heart with DH. Explain to him, since he's an idiot, that his help is needed. Exert pressure. Deny sex. Silent treatment. Disapproval. Maximum pressure. Why? Because it's her daughter, and because evidently he's either clueless, or an ass. I'd be pissed if he hadn't generously and profusely insisted on paying for his step daughter's education, without being prompted. I mean, are they married, or not? If money is no issue for him, why withhold the needed assistance?

What a peach the man is.

But OP's daughter has a father.

thanks to OP she also has a stepfather because of whom she must be saddled with college loans wherever she goes. and her mom’s biggest problem is that her own daughter is not gently tiptoeing around people that they happen to share home with (mom’s own view of the “family”).

[Anonymous]

“it’s just happenstance that we know this people” says a woman of her own husband and his kids. my own maids don’t think like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your complete lack of awareness as to how you have screwed your kid over is astonishing.

Actually, I think OP knows but doesn’t care.

You mean she should have thought ahead and strategically delayed any marriages in order to have her daughter apply from a lower income family?

People do that? Or get divorced to ramp up aid and welfare? Nice!

No I was referring to her reaction to her daughter today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“it’s just happenstance that we know this people” says a woman of her own husband and his kids. my own maids don’t think like that.

+1

Way to make it clear that her husband and his family are NOT her daughter's family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She can go to college she just doesn't want to go to her dream school. Oh well that's life. If it was that important to her she would have been working on a plan long before now.

So after DD witnessed the steps going to private college, and being told the summer before senior year that she only has $30k and will not qualify for financial aid, this CHILD was supposed to have the foresight to anticipate this AND the means to somehow scrape together another 90k to go to the state school??? This is hands down the stupidest comment ever posted on DCUM.

So now you want to pretend that people are t planning for college when they are 5. You're going to pretend that teens especially top students think nothing of college before their senior year? You can miss me with your bullshit.