Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I, in our 50s, have a pretty poor sex life, maybe 6-8x/year over the past few years with menopause, etc.

She asked me last year what I wanted for my birthday. I said passionate, intense sex. And she kind of chuckled and rolled her eyes. I said, "What's so funny about that?" She said no, really, what do you want. And I said exactly that. She was so dismissive. It led to an argument, not so much about the sex frequency, but about dismissing so easily what is important to me, and asking a question, getting an honest answer, and then not treating it that way.

Could you imagine the reaction if his wife said the same thing.

Hey, for my birthday, can I have sex that actually feels good instead of what I usually get.

So clueless.

Stop being immature. If sex is not pleasurable with your partner, communicate this to them. Be proactive or divorce.

I agree, the passive aggressive H above should not bring up their boring sex life when his wife was planning his birthday.

If sex is not good, communicate that in a conversion about sex not a conversion about birthday presents.

Reading comprehension is not your strong suit is it? The "passive aggressive" guy wasn't complaining about the quality of the sex, but rather the near total lack of it (6-8 times per year). I realize that for you bitter dried up DCUM harpies, 6-8 times per year seems nightmarishly frequent, but it's pretty much the definition of a sexless marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound impulsive... are you ADHD?

great question, that will lead to a sexless relationship in a couple years of putting up with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you’re being deliberately vague in some of your offerings. Why you are in therapy might be helpful. Do you have an underlying illness or trauma that is likely to affect your relationship?
How are your children being cared for if you are both working?
What is the division of care and chores in your home like?
Any other issues like IL issues or family issues?

OP here.
1. I started therapy following our two attempts at couples therapy failed (two different counselors, several months with each) . Thought I'd try and work on me and see if I can improve things with that. Stayed in therapy because it seems that I'm human and do have things I should work out better relating my career, age, life choices, childhood... No mental issues, or extremely big dramas in that area. Other than that, I am healthy both physically and mentally.
2. Our children are being cared for by the both of us. As I've written in other replies, my work is flexible enough that I can be home in the mornings to wake them up, do the routine and send them out. I'm also there when they get home (although the bigger of the two can and does stay on his own every now and then). I do most the cooking and daily chores. My wife is a great and caring mother, and although she works long hours, is there every evening to see the kids to bed. She comes in as early as she can in the afternoons - although that's not always early. We spend weekends together. We do laundry on weekends. We have a made that helps with the cleaning once a week. We have parents that pitch in and help when needed. The house is well run, and there's nothing special about that. Many working parents make it happen.
3. We both care for the kids and do chores. It's not equal (but then again, it never really is). In terms of time and perhaps work... I do more. But that's because I'm privileged enough to have the opportunity. There have been years when she did more. Generally speaking, we share the load and neither of us can take credit for doing it alone. Nor do we want to.
4. No real family of health issues. We did want more children but could not get there... however, we have two healthy kids, and are both in good health. We're not rich by any standard, but we both bring in a good income. We own our home and basically live the life we wanted to live in terms of standard of living.

If there was an obvious underlining reason to our hardships... we probably would have found it. At least with some help. But sometimes relationships of 20+ years are not as easy and obvious as "you" (just a matter of speech) may think... and things go South.

Hmm. Maybe she is stressed out and does not working 60 hours a week in her 40s. Can she make a change or downshift?

[Anonymous]

yes, you were wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I, in our 50s, have a pretty poor sex life, maybe 6-8x/year over the past few years with menopause, etc.

She asked me last year what I wanted for my birthday. I said passionate, intense sex. And she kind of chuckled and rolled her eyes. I said, "What's so funny about that?" She said no, really, what do you want. And I said exactly that. She was so dismissive. It led to an argument, not so much about the sex frequency, but about dismissing so easily what is important to me, and asking a question, getting an honest answer, and then not treating it that way.

Could you imagine the reaction if his wife said the same thing.

Hey, for my birthday, can I have sex that actually feels good instead of what I usually get.

So clueless.

Stop being immature. If sex is not pleasurable with your partner, communicate this to them. Be proactive or divorce.

I agree, the passive aggressive H above should not bring up their boring sex life when his wife was planning his birthday.

If sex is not good, communicate that in a conversion about sex not a conversion about birthday presents.

Reading comprehension is not your strong suit is it? The "passive aggressive" guy wasn't complaining about the quality of the sex, but rather the near total lack of it (6-8 times per year). I realize that for you bitter dried up DCUM harpies, 6-8 times per year seems nightmarishly frequent, but it's pretty much the definition of a sexless marriage.

Strange that women receiving responses like these from men like you, don’t feel all loose in the groins who doesn’t lust after being called a dried up harpy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I, in our 50s, have a pretty poor sex life, maybe 6-8x/year over the past few years with menopause, etc.

She asked me last year what I wanted for my birthday. I said passionate, intense sex. And she kind of chuckled and rolled her eyes. I said, "What's so funny about that?" She said no, really, what do you want. And I said exactly that. She was so dismissive. It led to an argument, not so much about the sex frequency, but about dismissing so easily what is important to me, and asking a question, getting an honest answer, and then not treating it that way.

Could you imagine the reaction if his wife said the same thing.

Hey, for my birthday, can I have sex that actually feels good instead of what I usually get.

So clueless.

Stop being immature. If sex is not pleasurable with your partner, communicate this to them. Be proactive or divorce.

I agree, the passive aggressive H above should not bring up their boring sex life when his wife was planning his birthday.

If sex is not good, communicate that in a conversion about sex not a conversion about birthday presents.

Yes don't play games. The same goes for the spouse that isn't doing their share, or other things that are hurting the marriage. All important!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, you wanted to punish her, and maybe she deserves it, but in the end you have to think about if your actions are contributing to the dysfunctions in your relationship or changing things, and by saying what you did, you heightened her insecurities, hurt her feelings, etc. it didn’t help.

OP here. True. It wasn't a script I had written in advance...

I understand. It happens.

Do you want to talk to her?

OP here. I'm sure talking about it would indeed help. But anything to do with our intimacy issues has been difficult for us to talk about. That's why most marital issues are first and foremost communication issues... unless there are drugs, abuse, or cheating involved... and I don't think there are.

Why does she say no to counseling?

OP here. We've been to counseling. Gave it two tries, each for around 4-6 months. She is the one who decided to quite both times. I feel bad about this, but do understand that it's not entirely her fault. Counseling, like most other things in life, does not work the same for all people. For her - it did not help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I actually never said I was out of the house as much as possible... I said I took effort to do so more often. I've been at home most hours of the day and night for several years, and wanted to get more time doing things for myself that were not related to work or family. That being said, it's still about 2 hours a day on most days... so not really "out of the house as much as possible".

You know what most parents are doing after kids go to bed.

Throwing in wash
Folding wash
cleaning up from dinner
paying a bill
RSVPing to birthday parties
registering for fall sports
updating the calendar with August dates (back to school, meet the teacher, etc)
Cleaning a bathroom
sorting through the mail
preparing lunches for tomorrow


Only 2 hours a day? Could you imagine just shirking all your responsibilities for 'only" 2 hours a day.. walk outside, go for a run, then come home and contribute.

I'm pretty sure that based on OP's earlier responses, he does most if not all of this stuff.

If OP is going all of that stuff during his "workday" every day as well as all of the childcare when the kids aren't at school, maybe we should acknowledge he's really a SAHP with a little side job and hold him to the same standard we hold SAHMs.

OP here. I am pretty much a stay at home dad. However, I have a full time job and make a nice earning. Working from home isn't that rare. Welcome to the 21st century.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who on earth tells his spouse, "You have no right to demand an answer" about anything. You're a nutjob, OP.

Then you turn around and tell an chatboard it was only an insidious threat to cheat to scare your wife. Your wife who isn't having sex with a stellar man such as yourself.

Riiiight.

You're both checked out here. Just playing the facetime game, trying to put on a good show for the public and the kids.

Get some balls and file for a divorce. Don't go all passive aggressive and "force her to." You've been doing this for a while right, trying to get her to divorce you? Hahhaha. Hillary Clinton knows just what to do with your type.

OP here. You are clearly a delightful and helpful person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you’re being deliberately vague in some of your offerings. Why you are in therapy might be helpful. Do you have an underlying illness or trauma that is likely to affect your relationship?
How are your children being cared for if you are both working?
What is the division of care and chores in your home like?
Any other issues like IL issues or family issues?

OP here.
1. I started therapy following our two attempts at couples therapy failed (two different counselors, several months with each) . Thought I'd try and work on me and see if I can improve things with that. Stayed in therapy because it seems that I'm human and do have things I should work out better relating my career, age, life choices, childhood... No mental issues, or extremely big dramas in that area. Other than that, I am healthy both physically and mentally.
2. Our children are being cared for by the both of us. As I've written in other replies, my work is flexible enough that I can be home in the mornings to wake them up, do the routine and send them out. I'm also there when they get home (although the bigger of the two can and does stay on his own every now and then). I do most the cooking and daily chores. My wife is a great and caring mother, and although she works long hours, is there every evening to see the kids to bed. She comes in as early as she can in the afternoons - although that's not always early. We spend weekends together. We do laundry on weekends. We have a made that helps with the cleaning once a week. We have parents that pitch in and help when needed. The house is well run, and there's nothing special about that. Many working parents make it happen.
3. We both care for the kids and do chores. It's not equal (but then again, it never really is). In terms of time and perhaps work... I do more. But that's because I'm privileged enough to have the opportunity. There have been years when she did more. Generally speaking, we share the load and neither of us can take credit for doing it alone. Nor do we want to.
4. No real family of health issues. We did want more children but could not get there... however, we have two healthy kids, and are both in good health. We're not rich by any standard, but we both bring in a good income. We own our home and basically live the life we wanted to live in terms of standard of living.

If there was an obvious underlining reason to our hardships... we probably would have found it. At least with some help. But sometimes relationships of 20+ years are not as easy and obvious as "you" (just a matter of speech) may think... and things go South.

Hmm. Maybe she is stressed out and does not working 60 hours a week in her 40s. Can she make a change or downshift?

OP here. I totally agree this is an issue. We both hope changes can be made in this regard. It would be good for everybody involved, I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I, in our 50s, have a pretty poor sex life, maybe 6-8x/year over the past few years with menopause, etc.

She asked me last year what I wanted for my birthday. I said passionate, intense sex. And she kind of chuckled and rolled her eyes. I said, "What's so funny about that?" She said no, really, what do you want. And I said exactly that. She was so dismissive. It led to an argument, not so much about the sex frequency, but about dismissing so easily what is important to me, and asking a question, getting an honest answer, and then not treating it that way.

Could you imagine the reaction if his wife said the same thing.

Hey, for my birthday, can I have sex that actually feels good instead of what I usually get.

So clueless.

Stop being immature. If sex is not pleasurable with your partner, communicate this to them. Be proactive or divorce.

I agree, the passive aggressive H above should not bring up their boring sex life when his wife was planning his birthday.

If sex is not good, communicate that in a conversion about sex not a conversion about birthday presents.

Reading comprehension is not your strong suit is it? The "passive aggressive" guy wasn't complaining about the quality of the sex, but rather the near total lack of it (6-8 times per year). I realize that for you bitter dried up DCUM harpies, 6-8 times per year seems nightmarishly frequent, but it's pretty much the definition of a sexless marriage.

Clearly you have reading comprehension issues. He did not ask for more sex he asked for passionate sex... it's a passive aggressive way to say sex is usually not passionate.

If I asked my H what he wanted and he said better sex I would buy him a pro and a one way ticket to a hotel.

I get it 3 times a week, but not with somebody who puts down how I do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ there a a ton of pissed off, sexless, older women in this thread

True. I think there is a subset of older woman who feel that they should get to stop having sex at some point with no consequence to their marriage. There is also a subset of men who are complaining about not getting sex from their wives (not pointing at OP here) with no intention of doing anything about it other than complaining. And then there is “declare open marriage” guy. This vocal coterie tends to drown out the vast majority of more sensible people in threads like these, which are extremely common and which have become rather repetitive and boring.

The answer is pretty simple though. The partner not having enough sex needs to attempt to improve their attractiveness and deal with underlying relationship problems as a first step.. That often, but not always, fixes the issue. If it doesn’t, you are left with cheat, leave, or suffer. All bad options. Pick one. That’s it. Not all stories have happy endings.

So the abnormal sexless partner gets a free pass? I disagree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, isn't it awkward in your house to not have sex? I just don't get it. How do a married couple live in the same close quarters with each other without having sex?

It may be awkward, but it's not hard to imagine why you might now want to sleep with someone who's told you he may be putting his penis in someone else.

More often than not, the thought that another woman wants her husband's penis is the only thing that shakes a wife out of her sexual indifference.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was I wrong to tell her it’s no longer her business as she’s made it clear she has no interest, or obligation, in sex with me?

Can't say if it was right or wrong but damn sure sounds juvenile.

OP here. It was not a well thought through reply. Juvenile? I don't know... I wish it was only limited to that... but I don't know of a single adult out there that isn't guilty of it at some time or another. So... what's your point?

OP, you are either a troll who wants to see how many pages he/she can get to by responding to so many comments, or you are showing yourself to be really quite bad at communication. You acknowledge the response was mean, but keep doubling down on defending it. What your comment did was close of the possibility of any positive, constructive communication about your sex life and marital problems in that moment, and punish your wife for bringing it up. If you want to solve this problem as a couple, then you can't be pushing her away like this. You have to be welcoming intimate communication, whether physically or emotionally intimate. If your wife was trying to initiate a conversation in good-faith, what you did is the equivalent of slamming the bedroom door and yelling "go away!" Do you want try to work this out with your wife or not? Have you already talked it to death and there's just no solution or do you shut her down every time she tries to talk about it?

OP here. I'll skip the intro to your message... and just answer the later part. You seem to stereotype women as being "better" or "good at" communication and always eager to talk... That's not he case for us. She's almost completely closed for any conversation about his matter. Even if I were the person you seem to think I am - I'd have nothing to shut down in this case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, you said a stupid thing, and you’ll both survive. In a marriage, both partners are guilty of this at some point.

I’m not going to ask whether you specifically addressed why she didn’t want to be intimate with you, but I will say that there are several perfectly legitimate medical (both physical and psychological) reasons why it happens. My personal opinion is that a marriage can survive that and still be strong, but then my parents have stayed happily together despite incredibly huge odds and my mother’s debilitating multiple sclerosis. My husband and I have also faced our own very difficult challenges, some of which have to do with our health. Honestly, I feel people divorce over nothings these days, and never learn what it means to strive together.

Hang in there. You are in a trough, but it doesn’t mean your marriage can’t ever be great again. Both of you have to learn how to communicate respectfully.

OP here. Thank you.