Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, isn't it awkward in your house to not have sex? I just don't get it. How do a married couple live in the same close quarters with each other without having sex?

It may be awkward, but it's not hard to imagine why you might now want to sleep with someone who's told you he may be putting his penis in someone else.

More often than not, the thought that another woman wants her husband's penis is the only thing that shakes a wife out of her sexual indifference.

Actually it's the thought of another woman getting some of the family assets. It's also the change in lifestyle and kids future. It's rarely what you described, lol.

Well, it also works on girlfriends who have no claim on your money and haven't have your kid, but in the end whatever gets the vajayjay juices flowing achieves the desired effect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I, in our 50s, have a pretty poor sex life, maybe 6-8x/year over the past few years with menopause, etc.

She asked me last year what I wanted for my birthday. I said passionate, intense sex. And she kind of chuckled and rolled her eyes. I said, "What's so funny about that?" She said no, really, what do you want. And I said exactly that. She was so dismissive. It led to an argument, not so much about the sex frequency, but about dismissing so easily what is important to me, and asking a question, getting an honest answer, and then not treating it that way.

This is how a woman invariably responds when she thinks you have no other options than her. Solution: make sure she always thinks you have other options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good grief, the amount of flack OP is getting is unreal. I know there's a double standard on this site, but this is absurd.

OP, I'm a married woman. While I don't think your response was ideal, I understand why you said it. Now, I'd use it to open up a larger conversation about the future of your marriage. First decide what you want. I assume that is either an open marriage or scheduled sex once a week or something. Then, you have to decide if you're willing to divorce if she says the only option for her is continuing on the way things are. Making this decision ahead of time will affect how you approach the conversation with your wife.

As far as avoiding divorce for the kids, I always remember what my uncle told me. He and my aunt had a lousy marriage (both good people, just very different and not compatible) but waited until their youngest was in college to divorce. My uncle later said that his only regret about waiting was that his kids did not know what a healthy, loving relationship should look like. It wasn't something he thought of when the kids were younger, but now that they were adults he was seeing that the effects of that might follow them a lot longer than the effects of having amicably divorced parents would have. (The amicable being key, though.)

Open marriages are not a true marriage unless both people play. Otherwise it's a sexless marriage where one cheats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I, in our 50s, have a pretty poor sex life, maybe 6-8x/year over the past few years with menopause, etc.

She asked me last year what I wanted for my birthday. I said passionate, intense sex. And she kind of chuckled and rolled her eyes. I said, "What's so funny about that?" She said no, really, what do you want. And I said exactly that. She was so dismissive. It led to an argument, not so much about the sex frequency, but about dismissing so easily what is important to me, and asking a question, getting an honest answer, and then not treating it that way.

all I want for christmas is a clean house with things put away where they below.

4 years and still waiting....

To withhold sex because the chores are not done is childish and immature.

When someone isn't pulling their weight, or saying nasty things to their spouse sex shouldn't be expected.

And how will withholding sex make things better. And women wonder why men cheat when they have immature attitudes like yours. If he is talking to you in this manner, you need to divorce him on the grounds of emotional abuse.

How is treating your spouse poorly making things better? And men wonder why women don't want to have sex when they refuse to step up to the plate. Very immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:40+, male, and married for just over 20 years. The last 3-4 of which have been awful. Did couples counseling twice and she ended it both times. Been seeing a shrink myself for various related and non related issues.
I’ve purposely changed my schedule in the past 6 months, aiming to be out of the house more (I work part of the time from a home office), and make more social relations outside the marriage. I’ve also started doing more sports and going to the gym after a couple of years I’ve really neglected myself.
Thing is this… our sex life is dead. We’ve probably had sex 5 times in the past 3 years. Non in a year now. We are basically not intimate with each other and she shows little to no physical affection towards me.
Few days ago the she asked me if I was intimate with another women… and out of instinct I said: “it’s no longer your business”.
I’m not actually intimate with another women, but I’m definitely more open to it as this situation prolongs. We have 2 kids, and I would like to keep living under the same roof as them. Divorce would also be very hard on me financially. And truthfully, I still love my wife in many ways. However, I also think/feel that 43 is way to early to give up on any kind of physical relationship. Was I wrong to tell her it’s no longer her business as she’s made it clear she has no interest, or obligation, in sex with me?

Yes, you were wrong. She's your wife, and presumably you promised you'd be faithful to her, so it is her business even if she isn't sleeping with you anymore. I'm sorry for your situation, but what you said was wrong. I hope you can move forward and fix your marriage.

+1

Yes it sounds like he needs to make the effort to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I, in our 50s, have a pretty poor sex life, maybe 6-8x/year over the past few years with menopause, etc.

She asked me last year what I wanted for my birthday. I said passionate, intense sex. And she kind of chuckled and rolled her eyes. I said, "What's so funny about that?" She said no, really, what do you want. And I said exactly that. She was so dismissive. It led to an argument, not so much about the sex frequency, but about dismissing so easily what is important to me, and asking a question, getting an honest answer, and then not treating it that way.

Could you imagine the reaction if his wife said the same thing.

Hey, for my birthday, can I have sex that actually feels good instead of what I usually get.

So clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I, in our 50s, have a pretty poor sex life, maybe 6-8x/year over the past few years with menopause, etc.

She asked me last year what I wanted for my birthday. I said passionate, intense sex. And she kind of chuckled and rolled her eyes. I said, "What's so funny about that?" She said no, really, what do you want. And I said exactly that. She was so dismissive. It led to an argument, not so much about the sex frequency, but about dismissing so easily what is important to me, and asking a question, getting an honest answer, and then not treating it that way.

Could you imagine the reaction if his wife said the same thing.

Hey, for my birthday, can I have sex that actually feels good instead of what I usually get.

So clueless.

My God, the way you people project your own shit on other posters is mind-boggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was I wrong to tell her it’s no longer her business as she’s made it clear she has no interest, or obligation, in sex with me?

Can't say if it was right or wrong but damn sure sounds juvenile.

OP here. It was not a well thought through reply. Juvenile? I don't know... I wish it was only limited to that... but I don't know of a single adult out there that isn't guilty of it at some time or another. So... what's your point?

OP, you are either a troll who wants to see how many pages he/she can get to by responding to so many comments, or you are showing yourself to be really quite bad at communication. You acknowledge the response was mean, but keep doubling down on defending it. What your comment did was close of the possibility of any positive, constructive communication about your sex life and marital problems in that moment, and punish your wife for bringing it up. If you want to solve this problem as a couple, then you can't be pushing her away like this. You have to be welcoming intimate communication, whether physically or emotionally intimate. If your wife was trying to initiate a conversation in good-faith, what you did is the equivalent of slamming the bedroom door and yelling "go away!" Do you want try to work this out with your wife or not? Have you already talked it to death and there's just no solution or do you shut her down every time she tries to talk about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I, in our 50s, have a pretty poor sex life, maybe 6-8x/year over the past few years with menopause, etc.

She asked me last year what I wanted for my birthday. I said passionate, intense sex. And she kind of chuckled and rolled her eyes. I said, "What's so funny about that?" She said no, really, what do you want. And I said exactly that. She was so dismissive. It led to an argument, not so much about the sex frequency, but about dismissing so easily what is important to me, and asking a question, getting an honest answer, and then not treating it that way.

This is how a woman invariably responds when she thinks you have no other options than her. Solution: make sure she always thinks you have other options.

He has no option other than divorce or remain sexless. Open marriages are not DADT marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I, in our 50s, have a pretty poor sex life, maybe 6-8x/year over the past few years with menopause, etc.

She asked me last year what I wanted for my birthday. I said passionate, intense sex. And she kind of chuckled and rolled her eyes. I said, "What's so funny about that?" She said no, really, what do you want. And I said exactly that. She was so dismissive. It led to an argument, not so much about the sex frequency, but about dismissing so easily what is important to me, and asking a question, getting an honest answer, and then not treating it that way.

Could you imagine the reaction if his wife said the same thing.

Hey, for my birthday, can I have sex that actually feels good instead of what I usually get.

So clueless.

LOL

Then he has the nerve to get mad at her!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I, in our 50s, have a pretty poor sex life, maybe 6-8x/year over the past few years with menopause, etc.

She asked me last year what I wanted for my birthday. I said passionate, intense sex. And she kind of chuckled and rolled her eyes. I said, "What's so funny about that?" She said no, really, what do you want. And I said exactly that. She was so dismissive. It led to an argument, not so much about the sex frequency, but about dismissing so easily what is important to me, and asking a question, getting an honest answer, and then not treating it that way.

Could you imagine the reaction if his wife said the same thing.

Hey, for my birthday, can I have sex that actually feels good instead of what I usually get.

So clueless.

Stop being immature. If sex is not pleasurable with your partner, communicate this to them. Be proactive or divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:40+, male, and married for just over 20 years. The last 3-4 of which have been awful. Did couples counseling twice and she ended it both times. Been seeing a shrink myself for various related and non related issues.
I’ve purposely changed my schedule in the past 6 months, aiming to be out of the house more (I work part of the time from a home office), and make more social relations outside the marriage. I’ve also started doing more sports and going to the gym after a couple of years I’ve really neglected myself.
Thing is this… our sex life is dead. We’ve probably had sex 5 times in the past 3 years. Non in a year now. We are basically not intimate with each other and she shows little to no physical affection towards me.
Few days ago the she asked me if I was intimate with another women… and out of instinct I said: “it’s no longer your business”.
I’m not actually intimate with another women, but I’m definitely more open to it as this situation prolongs. We have 2 kids, and I would like to keep living under the same roof as them. Divorce would also be very hard on me financially. And truthfully, I still love my wife in many ways. However, I also think/feel that 43 is way to early to give up on any kind of physical relationship. Was I wrong to tell her it’s no longer her business as she’s made it clear she has no interest, or obligation, in sex with me?

Yes, you were wrong. She's your wife, and presumably you promised you'd be faithful to her, so it is her business even if she isn't sleeping with you anymore. I'm sorry for your situation, but what you said was wrong. I hope you can move forward and fix your marriage.

+1

Yes it sounds like he needs to make the effort to change.

Or SHE does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I, in our 50s, have a pretty poor sex life, maybe 6-8x/year over the past few years with menopause, etc.

She asked me last year what I wanted for my birthday. I said passionate, intense sex. And she kind of chuckled and rolled her eyes. I said, "What's so funny about that?" She said no, really, what do you want. And I said exactly that. She was so dismissive. It led to an argument, not so much about the sex frequency, but about dismissing so easily what is important to me, and asking a question, getting an honest answer, and then not treating it that way.

Could you imagine the reaction if his wife said the same thing.

Hey, for my birthday, can I have sex that actually feels good instead of what I usually get.

So clueless.

My God, the way you people project your own shit on other posters is mind-boggling.

it's not projecting. if he had wild passionate sex normally he would have said, I want the usual, mind blowing sex but he didn't he said "we have a poor sex life" so I asked for "good sex".

It's a dig, while asking for a gift. It's f'ing bizarre how passive agressive people can be when somebody asks a simple question.

Hey what do you want for your birthday.
Wild sex
Okay great, your son wanted to know I'll see if he is up for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I, in our 50s, have a pretty poor sex life, maybe 6-8x/year over the past few years with menopause, etc.

She asked me last year what I wanted for my birthday. I said passionate, intense sex. And she kind of chuckled and rolled her eyes. I said, "What's so funny about that?" She said no, really, what do you want. And I said exactly that. She was so dismissive. It led to an argument, not so much about the sex frequency, but about dismissing so easily what is important to me, and asking a question, getting an honest answer, and then not treating it that way.

Could you imagine the reaction if his wife said the same thing.

Hey, for my birthday, can I have sex that actually feels good instead of what I usually get.

So clueless.

Stop being immature. If sex is not pleasurable with your partner, communicate this to them. Be proactive or divorce.

I agree, the passive aggressive H above should not bring up their boring sex life when his wife was planning his birthday.

If sex is not good, communicate that in a conversion about sex not a conversion about birthday presents.

[Anonymous]

Well, you said a stupid thing, and you’ll both survive. In a marriage, both partners are guilty of this at some point.

I’m not going to ask whether you specifically addressed why she didn’t want to be intimate with you, but I will say that there are several perfectly legitimate medical (both physical and psychological) reasons why it happens. My personal opinion is that a marriage can survive that and still be strong, but then my parents have stayed happily together despite incredibly huge odds and my mother’s debilitating multiple sclerosis. My husband and I have also faced our own very difficult challenges, some of which have to do with our health. Honestly, I feel people divorce over nothings these days, and never learn what it means to strive together.

Hang in there. You are in a trough, but it doesn’t mean your marriage can’t ever be great again. Both of you have to learn how to communicate respectfully.