Wife Goes Silent on Work Travel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep posting OP.

I think your wife is sketchy as hell and something is probably up.

Regardless of what’s going or not going on, it is highly abnormal to be so indifferent towards your spouse, and almost disordered for a mother to be so indifferent towards her kids. I know you are focusing on you in your posts OP, and trying to figure out what she’s up to. Yes, that’s a big issue, but I’m way more concerned over the fact that a mother seems to have no desire to communicate with her children or has no empathy for the fact that children might want to speak to or at least hear from their mom. That’s mind blowing. Personality disorder territory.

OP here.

That's a lot of it. I don't like the indifference and silent treatment but it's most unpleasant watching my oldest catch on to the selfishness. He's becoming aware of things like that, just now at 13. It's all sloppy, whatever it is. I can handle divorce and split custody. What I can't handle is walking around the school or my kid's swim team knowing that everyone else thinks my wife is screwing another man. I see these folks at Bradlee every week. I've had too much scotch. going to bed.

I knew a woman like that years ago. Had 2 kids and basically ignored them. She focused on her career and her hobbies, but never her kids. It's weird because you figure mothers have that ingrained maternal instinct, but now and then there's an exception.

The feminist movement has done its level headed best and killed that ingrained maternal instinct in American women

WTF. Were men never supposed to be fathers? It was always just on the chick? Get over yourself. Some women have been crappy moms for as long as there have been moms. This isn't a recent development.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't want to discount how you feel at all, because your wife ought to make a better effort to explain things to you. However, my husband also has a TS clearance and travels to places that he is only allowed to tell me about (in person, never over the phone, text, or email) now that we're married (and we usually can't even tell his parents where he is). Sometimes he is off the radar for days, even weeks at a time. Literally, once he was on a submarine and went completely dark. He routinely travels to locations in Asia and it takes him many days to get back to normal after he returns. His days there are long and stressful and when he sends a text saying he's back in his hotel and is crashing, I take it at face value. However, I do so because I have never once been suspicious about what he's doing. I generally know why he's going and where he's going, even if he has to be vague about certain details, even to me. Loose lips sink ships and all that. I found out one time when I thought he was in San Diego (he did start there) that he was actually on the USS Carl Vinsen staring at Osama Bin Laden's dead body. I think all the people saying they always text/call, and your wife is being an absentee mother don't fully appreciate what she does (assuming that she really doesn't have a choice about her lack of availability, like my husband). I don't think my husband is any less of a good dad when we don't hear from him for weeks because I know he'd much rather either be at home with us or be able to communicate with us but what he's doing doesn't allow it. Honestly, if your wife was cheating on you, she'd probably do a better job to try to cover it up. Like FaceTiming you saying she's going to bed minutes before she invites her co-worker into her room. Again, the fact that you feel like this means your wife ought to do something to make you feel better, but if she seems present and engaged in your life when she's home, it's possible that her job really does limit her ability to communicate.

I don't buy it -- how come DW can't call once she's stateside and got bumped from her flight? She's off the job then.

Also DW can avoid details but just tell DH something like "I'm going to be unreachable for the next 3 days, but we'll definitely facetime on Friday!". That gives away no secret details.

PP here. I think there are more things to consider than simply the details of what she's doing. It's quite possible that she is completely drained from her trip and work. And she might not know when she'll be available. Sometimes my husband is silent for days. Once it was almost three weeks (luckily that was before we had kids, but it sucked). He was literally in a war zone and couldn't send communications out. And yes, he usually tries to let me know as soon as he's on land again, even if it's in a different country, but if I asked him to FaceTime with me after getting off a ship in Okinawa, taking a train multiple hours to his hotel, and then having to deal with booking a flight at the last minute due to not knowing when he'd be able to leave, he would for sure say no, and I wouldn't think he's cheating on me. I just don't think unless you've been in the situation that OP's wife may (or may not) be in, you can understand how draining it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't want to discount how you feel at all, because your wife ought to make a better effort to explain things to you. However, my husband also has a TS clearance and travels to places that he is only allowed to tell me about (in person, never over the phone, text, or email) now that we're married (and we usually can't even tell his parents where he is). Sometimes he is off the radar for days, even weeks at a time. Literally, once he was on a submarine and went completely dark. He routinely travels to locations in Asia and it takes him many days to get back to normal after he returns. His days there are long and stressful and when he sends a text saying he's back in his hotel and is crashing, I take it at face value. However, I do so because I have never once been suspicious about what he's doing. I generally know why he's going and where he's going, even if he has to be vague about certain details, even to me. Loose lips sink ships and all that. I found out one time when I thought he was in San Diego (he did start there) that he was actually on the USS Carl Vinsen staring at Osama Bin Laden's dead body. I think all the people saying they always text/call, and your wife is being an absentee mother don't fully appreciate what she does (assuming that she really doesn't have a choice about her lack of availability, like my husband). I don't think my husband is any less of a good dad when we don't hear from him for weeks because I know he'd much rather either be at home with us or be able to communicate with us but what he's doing doesn't allow it. Honestly, if your wife was cheating on you, she'd probably do a better job to try to cover it up. Like FaceTiming you saying she's going to bed minutes before she invites her co-worker into her room. Again, the fact that you feel like this means your wife ought to do something to make you feel better, but if she seems present and engaged in your life when she's home, it's possible that her job really does limit her ability to communicate.

I don't buy it -- how come DW can't call once she's stateside and got bumped from her flight? She's off the job then.

Also DW can avoid details but just tell DH something like "I'm going to be unreachable for the next 3 days, but we'll definitely facetime on Friday!". That gives away no secret details.

PP here. I think there are more things to consider than simply the details of what she's doing. It's quite possible that she is completely drained from her trip and work. And she might not know when she'll be available. Sometimes my husband is silent for days. Once it was almost three weeks (luckily that was before we had kids, but it sucked). He was literally in a war zone and couldn't send communications out. And yes, he usually tries to let me know as soon as he's on land again, even if it's in a different country, but if I asked him to FaceTime with me after getting off a ship in Okinawa, taking a train multiple hours to his hotel, and then having to deal with booking a flight at the last minute due to not knowing when he'd be able to leave, he would for sure say no, and I wouldn't think he's cheating on me. I just don't think unless you've been in the situation that OP's wife may (or may not) be in, you can understand how draining it is.

I do understand, at least the being tired after a long trip, but I still don't buy it.

I go to Asia multiple times a year. We'll still Facetime even right as I arrive, if the kids want to. DW will see I'm tired and we'll just talk for < 5 minutes but I'm able to do that.

Surely someone with the energy to check into the hotel stateside has enough energy to hold their phone to their face for a few minutes?

[Anonymous]

I don't think I could be married to someone who kept secrets from me, even if they were 'supposed' to do that for their job. I feel like jobs (and even careers) will come and go, but a family is supposed to be forever. I may not always be interested in the details of my spouse's job (and vice versa) but knowing that I'm not allowed to ask or tell or even accidentally reveal things would be a deal breaker. Of course, that implies a high level of trust and confidence, but I really don't think people should be getting married without that anyway.

Having secrets and deliberately keeping a big chunk of your life from your spouse from the get-go seems like a recipe for a failed marriage. God knows they're hard enough already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

but mostly I'm seething that she thinks I'm some sort of support staff for her life.

I have to take offense at this concept. They are your kids just as much as they are hers. Tone down, to yourself, the sense of injustice at parenting, because, after all, you are a parent. The above-quoted sentiment betrays that maybe you aren't so progressive and maybe you still think it's a very big sacrifice for the father, bigger than it would be for the mother, to single-parent the kids when the mother is traveling.

You're either not a parent/spouse or a really, really, really shitty parent/spouse.

Of course they are his kids and I have yet to see him once complain about them. Is she a shitty mom for not checking in on them? Absolutely. Is she only able to do what she's doing BECAUSE she has a spouse that will support her? Yep. Did you stop and think for a moment about what sacrifices his career is taking because he has a spouse gone all the time? What important meetings/conferences is he inevitably missing?

You're an idiot. We have two people here:

-One leaves her kids and husband for weeks at a time and stays silent.

-And one parent who stays behind with the kids giving them the love, support and care they need AND works his job.

Yet here you are trying to make him the bad guy. You suck. If you have a husband, I pity him. If you don't have a husband, I know why.

-signed, a guy with three kids whose wife also travels a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't want to discount how you feel at all, because your wife ought to make a better effort to explain things to you. However, my husband also has a TS clearance and travels to places that he is only allowed to tell me about (in person, never over the phone, text, or email) now that we're married (and we usually can't even tell his parents where he is). Sometimes he is off the radar for days, even weeks at a time. Literally, once he was on a submarine and went completely dark. He routinely travels to locations in Asia and it takes him many days to get back to normal after he returns. His days there are long and stressful and when he sends a text saying he's back in his hotel and is crashing, I take it at face value. However, I do so because I have never once been suspicious about what he's doing. I generally know why he's going and where he's going, even if he has to be vague about certain details, even to me. Loose lips sink ships and all that. I found out one time when I thought he was in San Diego (he did start there) that he was actually on the USS Carl Vinsen staring at Osama Bin Laden's dead body. I think all the people saying they always text/call, and your wife is being an absentee mother don't fully appreciate what she does (assuming that she really doesn't have a choice about her lack of availability, like my husband). I don't think my husband is any less of a good dad when we don't hear from him for weeks because I know he'd much rather either be at home with us or be able to communicate with us but what he's doing doesn't allow it. Honestly, if your wife was cheating on you, she'd probably do a better job to try to cover it up. Like FaceTiming you saying she's going to bed minutes before she invites her co-worker into her room. Again, the fact that you feel like this means your wife ought to do something to make you feel better, but if she seems present and engaged in your life when she's home, it's possible that her job really does limit her ability to communicate.

I don't buy it -- how come DW can't call once she's stateside and got bumped from her flight? She's off the job then.

Also DW can avoid details but just tell DH something like "I'm going to be unreachable for the next 3 days, but we'll definitely facetime on Friday!". That gives away no secret details.

PP here. I think there are more things to consider than simply the details of what she's doing. It's quite possible that she is completely drained from her trip and work. And she might not know when she'll be available. Sometimes my husband is silent for days. Once it was almost three weeks (luckily that was before we had kids, but it sucked). He was literally in a war zone and couldn't send communications out. And yes, he usually tries to let me know as soon as he's on land again, even if it's in a different country, but if I asked him to FaceTime with me after getting off a ship in Okinawa, taking a train multiple hours to his hotel, and then having to deal with booking a flight at the last minute due to not knowing when he'd be able to leave, he would for sure say no, and I wouldn't think he's cheating on me. I just don't think unless you've been in the situation that OP's wife may (or may not) be in, you can understand how draining it is.

I do understand, at least the being tired after a long trip, but I still don't buy it.

I go to Asia multiple times a year. We'll still Facetime even right as I arrive, if the kids want to. DW will see I'm tired and we'll just talk for < 5 minutes but I'm able to do that.

Surely someone with the energy to check into the hotel stateside has enough energy to hold their phone to their face for a few minutes?

Eh, everyone is different. Some people love meeting with clients and come back from those trips energized. Other people do work that exhausts them on multiple levels and are just totally spent when they're done. I didn't understand my husband's inability to shake off his work and jet lag the first time he traveled to Asia but he explained to me that it just sucked everything out of him and he could barely lift his head when he got back and it could take him up to a week to feel back to normal. Personally, I HATE FaceTiming unless I feel like I'm made up and looking good - nothing like staring at your tired, haggard face on an unflattering screen to make you feel good. Again, I'm not trying to discount OP's feelings or condone everything his wife is doing. OP is obviously upset and she should care enough (once home and feeling back to normal) to address how he feels about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if I had super obsessive OP to come home to, calling all the time, obviously suspicious, whining about taking care of the kids he fathered, I’d volunteer to be bumped just to spend a non-working night alone. OP sounds exhausting as all hell.

Agree. The dynamic in this marriage is terrible on both sides. OP has an active imagination and prone to drama. Looking for evidence in her luggage? Like what?

The wife seems to have checked out and none of her stories, at least as relayed by the OP, are even slightly plausible (e.g., nearly all planes but regional jets have electric outlets on them now so the phone battery thing is fake, getting bumped is a total lie, not being able to get another flight in mid afternoon ether from Atlanta or just about any city is a total lie, even requiring multiple plane changes in the US from Tokyo is unlikely - one change max, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Eh, everyone is different. Some people love meeting with clients and come back from those trips energized. Other people do work that exhausts them on multiple levels and are just totally spent when they're done. I didn't understand my husband's inability to shake off his work and jet lag the first time he traveled to Asia but he explained to me that it just sucked everything out of him and he could barely lift his head when he got back and it could take him up to a week to feel back to normal. Personally, I HATE FaceTiming unless I feel like I'm made up and looking good - nothing like staring at your tired, haggard face on an unflattering screen to make you feel good. Again, I'm not trying to discount OP's feelings or condone everything his wife is doing. OP is obviously upset and she should care enough (once home and feeling back to normal) to address how he feels about this.

Excuses, excuses. If the genders were reversed for OP, everyone would be calling cheater and bad father in a split-second. Instead you are makgin up excuses like your make-up isn't good enough to reveal to _your own children_, who have surely seen their parents in various states of looking good in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I could be married to someone who kept secrets from me, even if they were 'supposed' to do that for their job. I feel like jobs (and even careers) will come and go, but a family is supposed to be forever. I may not always be interested in the details of my spouse's job (and vice versa) but knowing that I'm not allowed to ask or tell or even accidentally reveal things would be a deal breaker. Of course, that implies a high level of trust and confidence, but I really don't think people should be getting married without that anyway.

Having secrets and deliberately keeping a big chunk of your life from your spouse from the get-go seems like a recipe for a failed marriage. God knows they're hard enough already.

Good for you. You obviously have no idea about some jobs that people in the DC area have. If you thought that giving away your spouse's location could endanger lives, it's pretty easy to keep your mouth shut. Can you really not comprehend that? Do you think a soldier on a battlefield will say, "hey guys, sorry for having to make this call and therefore blow our location since all communications are being monitored, but I have to tell my wife that we just crossed the border from X to Y?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Eh, everyone is different. Some people love meeting with clients and come back from those trips energized. Other people do work that exhausts them on multiple levels and are just totally spent when they're done. I didn't understand my husband's inability to shake off his work and jet lag the first time he traveled to Asia but he explained to me that it just sucked everything out of him and he could barely lift his head when he got back and it could take him up to a week to feel back to normal. Personally, I HATE FaceTiming unless I feel like I'm made up and looking good - nothing like staring at your tired, haggard face on an unflattering screen to make you feel good. Again, I'm not trying to discount OP's feelings or condone everything his wife is doing. OP is obviously upset and she should care enough (once home and feeling back to normal) to address how he feels about this.

Excuses, excuses. If the genders were reversed for OP, everyone would be calling cheater and bad father in a split-second. Instead you are makgin up excuses like your make-up isn't good enough to reveal to _your own children_, who have surely seen their parents in various states of looking good in the past.

Well, you're obviously dead set on being unreasonable and refusing to see anyone else's point of view and there's no arguing with stupid so you are free to think whatever you want to think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I could be married to someone who kept secrets from me, even if they were 'supposed' to do that for their job. I feel like jobs (and even careers) will come and go, but a family is supposed to be forever. I may not always be interested in the details of my spouse's job (and vice versa) but knowing that I'm not allowed to ask or tell or even accidentally reveal things would be a deal breaker. Of course, that implies a high level of trust and confidence, but I really don't think people should be getting married without that anyway.

Having secrets and deliberately keeping a big chunk of your life from your spouse from the get-go seems like a recipe for a failed marriage. God knows they're hard enough already.

Good for you. You obviously have no idea about some jobs that people in the DC area have. If you thought that giving away your spouse's location could endanger lives, it's pretty easy to keep your mouth shut. Can you really not comprehend that? Do you think a soldier on a battlefield will say, "hey guys, sorry for having to make this call and therefore blow our location since all communications are being monitored, but I have to tell my wife that we just crossed the border from X to Y?"

Settle down Francis. Enough with the hyperbole. OP has a wife that's likely a defense contractor working just barely secret contracts for.. lord knows what were pedaling nowadays but she isn't a SEAL on a special operation.

I'm starting to think a lot of the flack OP is getting comes from the insecurity of the readers. They're upset they have a pointless job managing a dental office and it feels good to knock on the good looking folks with exciting jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Eh, everyone is different. Some people love meeting with clients and come back from those trips energized. Other people do work that exhausts them on multiple levels and are just totally spent when they're done. I didn't understand my husband's inability to shake off his work and jet lag the first time he traveled to Asia but he explained to me that it just sucked everything out of him and he could barely lift his head when he got back and it could take him up to a week to feel back to normal. Personally, I HATE FaceTiming unless I feel like I'm made up and looking good - nothing like staring at your tired, haggard face on an unflattering screen to make you feel good. Again, I'm not trying to discount OP's feelings or condone everything his wife is doing. OP is obviously upset and she should care enough (once home and feeling back to normal) to address how he feels about this.

Excuses, excuses. If the genders were reversed for OP, everyone would be calling cheater and bad father in a split-second. Instead you are makgin up excuses like your make-up isn't good enough to reveal to _your own children_, who have surely seen their parents in various states of looking good in the past.

I agree. I’m a woman and I find it incredible the kinds of excuses and passes that people are giving for OP’s wife, regardless of whether he’s changing the details or locations of the story. I agree with the above that if the roles were reversed there would be so much sympathy and support for the OP and her slimy husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I could be married to someone who kept secrets from me, even if they were 'supposed' to do that for their job. I feel like jobs (and even careers) will come and go, but a family is supposed to be forever. I may not always be interested in the details of my spouse's job (and vice versa) but knowing that I'm not allowed to ask or tell or even accidentally reveal things would be a deal breaker. Of course, that implies a high level of trust and confidence, but I really don't think people should be getting married without that anyway.

Having secrets and deliberately keeping a big chunk of your life from your spouse from the get-go seems like a recipe for a failed marriage. God knows they're hard enough already.

Good for you. You obviously have no idea about some jobs that people in the DC area have. If you thought that giving away your spouse's location could endanger lives, it's pretty easy to keep your mouth shut. Can you really not comprehend that? Do you think a soldier on a battlefield will say, "hey guys, sorry for having to make this call and therefore blow our location since all communications are being monitored, but I have to tell my wife that we just crossed the border from X to Y?"

Settle down Francis. Enough with the hyperbole. OP has a wife that's likely a defense contractor working just barely secret contracts for.. lord knows what were pedaling nowadays but she isn't a SEAL on a special operation.

I'm starting to think a lot of the flack OP is getting comes from the insecurity of the readers. They're upset they have a pointless job managing a dental office and it feels good to knock on the good looking folks with exciting jobs.

Yep. To those of us in the defense contracting world this doesn’t make sense. The vast majority of people are doing mundane work, not super secret squirrel shit. Get the Hollywood adaptations of the government out of your heads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

but mostly I'm seething that she thinks I'm some sort of support staff for her life.

I have to take offense at this concept. They are your kids just as much as they are hers. Tone down, to yourself, the sense of injustice at parenting, because, after all, you are a parent. The above-quoted sentiment betrays that maybe you aren't so progressive and maybe you still think it's a very big sacrifice for the father, bigger than it would be for the mother, to single-parent the kids when the mother is traveling.

You're either not a parent/spouse or a really, really, really shitty parent/spouse.

Of course they are his kids and I have yet to see him once complain about them. Is she a shitty mom for not checking in on them? Absolutely. Is she only able to do what she's doing BECAUSE she has a spouse that will support her? Yep. Did you stop and think for a moment about what sacrifices his career is taking because he has a spouse gone all the time? What important meetings/conferences is he inevitably missing?

You're an idiot. We have two people here:

-One leaves her kids and husband for weeks at a time and stays silent.

-And one parent who stays behind with the kids giving them the love, support and care they need AND works his job.

Yet here you are trying to make him the bad guy. You suck. If you have a husband, I pity him. If you don't have a husband, I know why.

-signed, a guy with three kids whose wife also travels a lot.

Woah with the ad hominems, name-calling, and drama!

Yet here you are trying to make him the bad guy.

In my post, I'm suggesting he readjust slightly his perspective on the one narrow issue of feeling taken advantage of. I'm in no way trying to make him the bad guy. I pity.. Nevermind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

but mostly I'm seething that she thinks I'm some sort of support staff for her life.

I have to take offense at this concept. They are your kids just as much as they are hers. Tone down, to yourself, the sense of injustice at parenting, because, after all, you are a parent. The above-quoted sentiment betrays that maybe you aren't so progressive and maybe you still think it's a very big sacrifice for the father, bigger than it would be for the mother, to single-parent the kids when the mother is traveling.

You're either not a parent/spouse or a really, really, really shitty parent/spouse.

Of course they are his kids and I have yet to see him once complain about them. Is she a shitty mom for not checking in on them? Absolutely. Is she only able to do what she's doing BECAUSE she has a spouse that will support her? Yep. Did you stop and think for a moment about what sacrifices his career is taking because he has a spouse gone all the time? What important meetings/conferences is he inevitably missing?

You're an idiot. We have two people here:

-One leaves her kids and husband for weeks at a time and stays silent.

-And one parent who stays behind with the kids giving them the love, support and care they need AND works his job.

Yet here you are trying to make him the bad guy. You suck. If you have a husband, I pity him. If you don't have a husband, I know why.

-signed, a guy with three kids whose wife also travels a lot.

DP, + 1, agree with a lot of the principles here