Wife Goes Silent on Work Travel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. She called at 6am and explained that she had been bumped rather than missed it. Claims the rest of her team made that flight so she was alone. But, she didn't call until the morning? Why not from the hotel the entire night? I did ask her that point blank and she was defensive and insulted. I did not accuse her of an affair or even ask if there were men with her. She took offense to me wondering why she didn't contact me after she "literally just flew around the world".

I'm calling BS when she gets back. I was just single-parenting it with little kids for two weeks and she thinks its 'out of bounds' to question her because she sat in a plane seat drinking wine, watching movies and eating food brought to her on a platter. which is more difficult? My two weeks or hers?

I think she protests too much.

Honestly, if theres an affair its a betrayal of course but mostly I'm seething that she thinks I'm some sort of support staff for her life.

Obviously, whatever efidence may be in her luggage wil only certainy be gone by the time she gets home

Hum. Bumped? on a mid-week afternoon flight? And no chance of getting back to DC that night? I don't think so. Her defensive attitude is telling that she knows she is in the wrong -- whether it just be selfishness, taking advantage of you, or if it is an affair. She sounds checked out, and she just isn't considering your feelings, or her kids feelings.

I think she definitely protests too much. A better strategy is always to admit that you were wrong. But in the face of actually being wrong ... that is difficult. OP, does she go back to work today, or will you have time to talk during the day when kids are at school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep posting OP.

I think your wife is sketchy as hell and something is probably up.

Regardless of what’s going or not going on, it is highly abnormal to be so indifferent towards your spouse, and almost disordered for a mother to be so indifferent towards her kids. I know you are focusing on you in your posts OP, and trying to figure out what she’s up to. Yes, that’s a big issue, but I’m way more concerned over the fact that a mother seems to have no desire to communicate with her children or has no empathy for the fact that children might want to speak to or at least hear from their mom. That’s mind blowing. Personality disorder territory.

OP here.

That's a lot of it. I don't like the indifference and silent treatment but it's most unpleasant watching my oldest catch on to the selfishness. He's becoming aware of things like that, just now at 13. It's all sloppy, whatever it is. I can handle divorce and split custody. What I can't handle is walking around the school or my kid's swim team knowing that everyone else thinks my wife is screwing another man. I see these folks at Bradlee every week. I've had too much scotch. going to bed.

Well, 13 is a selfish age. And she/he probably doesn't actually want to facetime with your wife.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't want to discount how you feel at all, because your wife ought to make a better effort to explain things to you. However, my husband also has a TS clearance and travels to places that he is only allowed to tell me about (in person, never over the phone, text, or email) now that we're married (and we usually can't even tell his parents where he is). Sometimes he is off the radar for days, even weeks at a time. Literally, once he was on a submarine and went completely dark. He routinely travels to locations in Asia and it takes him many days to get back to normal after he returns. His days there are long and stressful and when he sends a text saying he's back in his hotel and is crashing, I take it at face value. However, I do so because I have never once been suspicious about what he's doing. I generally know why he's going and where he's going, even if he has to be vague about certain details, even to me. Loose lips sink ships and all that. I found out one time when I thought he was in San Diego (he did start there) that he was actually on the USS Carl Vinsen staring at Osama Bin Laden's dead body. I think all the people saying they always text/call, and your wife is being an absentee mother don't fully appreciate what she does (assuming that she really doesn't have a choice about her lack of availability, like my husband). I don't think my husband is any less of a good dad when we don't hear from him for weeks because I know he'd much rather either be at home with us or be able to communicate with us but what he's doing doesn't allow it. Honestly, if your wife was cheating on you, she'd probably do a better job to try to cover it up. Like FaceTiming you saying she's going to bed minutes before she invites her co-worker into her room. Again, the fact that you feel like this means your wife ought to do something to make you feel better, but if she seems present and engaged in your life when she's home, it's possible that her job really does limit her ability to communicate.

[Anonymous]

but mostly I'm seething that she thinks I'm some sort of support staff for her life.

I have to take offense at this concept. They are your kids just as much as they are hers. Tone down, to yourself, the sense of injustice at parenting, because, after all, you are a parent. The above-quoted sentiment betrays that maybe you aren't so progressive and maybe you still think it's a very big sacrifice for the father, bigger than it would be for the mother, to single-parent the kids when the mother is traveling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep posting OP.

I think your wife is sketchy as hell and something is probably up.

Regardless of what’s going or not going on, it is highly abnormal to be so indifferent towards your spouse, and almost disordered for a mother to be so indifferent towards her kids. I know you are focusing on you in your posts OP, and trying to figure out what she’s up to. Yes, that’s a big issue, but I’m way more concerned over the fact that a mother seems to have no desire to communicate with her children or has no empathy for the fact that children might want to speak to or at least hear from their mom. That’s mind blowing. Personality disorder territory.

OP here.

That's a lot of it. I don't like the indifference and silent treatment but it's most unpleasant watching my oldest catch on to the selfishness. He's becoming aware of things like that, just now at 13. It's all sloppy, whatever it is. I can handle divorce and split custody. What I can't handle is walking around the school or my kid's swim team knowing that everyone else thinks my wife is screwing another man. I see these folks at Bradlee every week. I've had too much scotch. going to bed.

I knew a woman like that years ago. Had 2 kids and basically ignored them. She focused on her career and her hobbies, but never her kids. It's weird because you figure mothers have that ingrained maternal instinct, but now and then there's an exception.

The feminist movement has done its level headed best and killed that ingrained maternal instinct in American women

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't want to discount how you feel at all, because your wife ought to make a better effort to explain things to you. However, my husband also has a TS clearance and travels to places that he is only allowed to tell me about (in person, never over the phone, text, or email) now that we're married (and we usually can't even tell his parents where he is). Sometimes he is off the radar for days, even weeks at a time. Literally, once he was on a submarine and went completely dark. He routinely travels to locations in Asia and it takes him many days to get back to normal after he returns. His days there are long and stressful and when he sends a text saying he's back in his hotel and is crashing, I take it at face value. However, I do so because I have never once been suspicious about what he's doing. I generally know why he's going and where he's going, even if he has to be vague about certain details, even to me. Loose lips sink ships and all that. I found out one time when I thought he was in San Diego (he did start there) that he was actually on the USS Carl Vinsen staring at Osama Bin Laden's dead body. I think all the people saying they always text/call, and your wife is being an absentee mother don't fully appreciate what she does (assuming that she really doesn't have a choice about her lack of availability, like my husband). I don't think my husband is any less of a good dad when we don't hear from him for weeks because I know he'd much rather either be at home with us or be able to communicate with us but what he's doing doesn't allow it. Honestly, if your wife was cheating on you, she'd probably do a better job to try to cover it up. Like FaceTiming you saying she's going to bed minutes before she invites her co-worker into her room. Again, the fact that you feel like this means your wife ought to do something to make you feel better, but if she seems present and engaged in your life when she's home, it's possible that her job really does limit her ability to communicate.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

but mostly I'm seething that she thinks I'm some sort of support staff for her life.

I have to take offense at this concept. They are your kids just as much as they are hers. Tone down, to yourself, the sense of injustice at parenting, because, after all, you are a parent. The above-quoted sentiment betrays that maybe you aren't so progressive and maybe you still think it's a very big sacrifice for the father, bigger than it would be for the mother, to single-parent the kids when the mother is traveling.

I didn’t get that sentiment from OP at all. Two weeks is a long time to solo parent with little kids, and probably seems even longer and more difficult with a spouse whose communication style leaves a lot to be desired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

but mostly I'm seething that she thinks I'm some sort of support staff for her life.

I have to take offense at this concept. They are your kids just as much as they are hers. Tone down, to yourself, the sense of injustice at parenting, because, after all, you are a parent. The above-quoted sentiment betrays that maybe you aren't so progressive and maybe you still think it's a very big sacrifice for the father, bigger than it would be for the mother, to single-parent the kids when the mother is traveling.

I didn’t get that sentiment from OP at all. Two weeks is a long time to solo parent with little kids, and probably seems even longer and more difficult with a spouse whose communication style leaves a lot to be desired.

I completely agree that the OP's wife is treating him very badly.

I also agree that he is putting too much emphasis on how much child-related work he has to do. He seems very preoccupied with what other people think (e.g., his kid's kindergarten teacher flirting with him, walking around doing kid activities and thinking other people know that his wife is cheating, etc.). The OP seems like a person who is very concerned with appearances.

OP, when you divorce, which seems likely, you are still going to have to do these things. You will still be taking care of your children when your wife travels abroad, because she is almost certainly going to continue doing that. You may be able to do so with your head held high, but the realities of your life are not going to change when you are divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

but mostly I'm seething that she thinks I'm some sort of support staff for her life.

I have to take offense at this concept. They are your kids just as much as they are hers. Tone down, to yourself, the sense of injustice at parenting, because, after all, you are a parent. The above-quoted sentiment betrays that maybe you aren't so progressive and maybe you still think it's a very big sacrifice for the father, bigger than it would be for the mother, to single-parent the kids when the mother is traveling.

YES, this. +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

but mostly I'm seething that she thinks I'm some sort of support staff for her life.

I have to take offense at this concept. They are your kids just as much as they are hers. Tone down, to yourself, the sense of injustice at parenting, because, after all, you are a parent. The above-quoted sentiment betrays that maybe you aren't so progressive and maybe you still think it's a very big sacrifice for the father, bigger than it would be for the mother, to single-parent the kids when the mother is traveling.

I didn’t get that sentiment from OP at all. Two weeks is a long time to solo parent with little kids, and probably seems even longer and more difficult with a spouse whose communication style leaves a lot to be desired.

One of the kids is 13, that's not little. FaceTiming with a traveling spouse doesn't make anything easier. If anything, it complicates an evening and stresses everyone. This is about their relationship and whether she's cheating on him. He shouldn't make it about whether he's being taken advantage of for parenting while she travels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm calling BS when she gets back. I was just single-parenting it with little kids for two weeks and she thinks its 'out of bounds' to question her because she sat in a plane seat drinking wine, watching movies and eating food brought to her on a platter. which is more difficult? My two weeks or hers?

Her week was harder. Much. She travels around the world, jet-lagged, works a full-time shift (at least) over there, needs to make-up and keep her stories straight about where she is (or has been), all while making time to get dolled up and railed by some dude in the field. That is a full schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm calling BS when she gets back. I was just single-parenting it with little kids for two weeks and she thinks its 'out of bounds' to question her because she sat in a plane seat drinking wine, watching movies and eating food brought to her on a platter. which is more difficult? My two weeks or hers?

Her week was harder. Much. She travels around the world, jet-lagged, works a full-time shift (at least) over there, needs to make-up and keep her stories straight about where she is (or has been), all while making time to get dolled up and railed by some dude in the field. That is a full schedule.

A normal day for a cheater. I dont know how they stay sane.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, if I had super obsessive OP to come home to, calling all the time, obviously suspicious, whining about taking care of the kids he fathered, I’d volunteer to be bumped just to spend a non-working night alone. OP sounds exhausting as all hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't want to discount how you feel at all, because your wife ought to make a better effort to explain things to you. However, my husband also has a TS clearance and travels to places that he is only allowed to tell me about (in person, never over the phone, text, or email) now that we're married (and we usually can't even tell his parents where he is). Sometimes he is off the radar for days, even weeks at a time. Literally, once he was on a submarine and went completely dark. He routinely travels to locations in Asia and it takes him many days to get back to normal after he returns. His days there are long and stressful and when he sends a text saying he's back in his hotel and is crashing, I take it at face value. However, I do so because I have never once been suspicious about what he's doing. I generally know why he's going and where he's going, even if he has to be vague about certain details, even to me. Loose lips sink ships and all that. I found out one time when I thought he was in San Diego (he did start there) that he was actually on the USS Carl Vinsen staring at Osama Bin Laden's dead body. I think all the people saying they always text/call, and your wife is being an absentee mother don't fully appreciate what she does (assuming that she really doesn't have a choice about her lack of availability, like my husband). I don't think my husband is any less of a good dad when we don't hear from him for weeks because I know he'd much rather either be at home with us or be able to communicate with us but what he's doing doesn't allow it. Honestly, if your wife was cheating on you, she'd probably do a better job to try to cover it up. Like FaceTiming you saying she's going to bed minutes before she invites her co-worker into her room. Again, the fact that you feel like this means your wife ought to do something to make you feel better, but if she seems present and engaged in your life when she's home, it's possible that her job really does limit her ability to communicate.

I don't buy it -- how come DW can't call once she's stateside and got bumped from her flight? She's off the job then.

Also DW can avoid details but just tell DH something like "I'm going to be unreachable for the next 3 days, but we'll definitely facetime on Friday!". That gives away no secret details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Hum. Bumped? on a mid-week afternoon flight? And no chance of getting back to DC that night? I don't think so. Her defensive attitude is telling that she knows she is in the wrong -- whether it just be selfishness, taking advantage of you, or if it is an affair. She sounds checked out, and she just isn't considering your feelings, or her kids feelings.

Yeah the getting bumped story sounds questionable. If she's flying on business class from abroad, then her domestic connection is on the same itinerary and is in first class. When airlines do involuntary bumping, they look at who paid the least for their ticket and who's not a frequent flyer. She wouldn't end up last on that list in either case. On top of that, after the Dao incident, airlines offer huge incentives for voluntary bumping. Surely some college kid on the flight was happy to take a $1,000 credit.