Wife Goes Silent on Work Travel

[Anonymous]

First off, this is not IC work. She has never been employed by the CIA, NSA, etc. I would know. My father did that and I grew up in that environment

So, about every three months my wife gets sent overseas for work. Always someplace remote and exotic. Think places that end in 'stan, SE Asia, etc. Usually for two weeks. I know she's actually there because of photos and mementos brought home but she'll be "out of reach" for 90% of the trip and she's always extremely vague about what she's done while there. She's 'off' for the first few days back but that could be jet lag.

We've never had trust issues and neither has ever cheated (far as I know) but this is odd, right? She is pretty and she is with other men, who she never mentions. Not even everyday things like "Oh, when we were leaving dinner, Bill fell in a puddle, it was hilarious". She does do this with the women, however.

Am I nuts or is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Ask her

[Anonymous]

Maybe something unsavory, but it’s also possible that with the large time difference, her “free” time coincides with a time when you are sleeping, or working.

I usually only travel domestically, but before my husband got into the texting game (last year!!!), it was easy to miss each other when I was on the west coast, and he was in DC. Now that he has a text plan, I can text him and we feel more connected.

Does her phone have good, inexpensive coverage in those countries? If she is relying upon WiFi to make calls, that would exacerbate the time zone issue.

Not saying it’s all in your head, just giving you a plausible reason. I would ask about cell coverage in those countries, to get the conversation going.

[Anonymous]

I think we'd need to know what kind of work she does before we could say either way if it's normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think we'd need to know what kind of work she does before we could say either way if it's normal.

No, not normal. She should be reachable in this current climate of accessiblity. Do you have a set time that she'll contact you (e.g. does she call at dinner each night? or at breakfast? Sometime that she knows you'll be doing something and will be available? Her schedule is probably more erratic. When my DH travels I usually leave it to him to call and check in because I don't want to accidentally wake him up, interrupt a meeting, etc. But we are pretty available here at dinner and breakfast, he can talk to the kids and me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe something unsavory, but it’s also possible that with the large time difference, her “free” time coincides with a time when you are sleeping, or working.

I usually only travel domestically, but before my husband got into the texting game (last year!!!), it was easy to miss each other when I was on the west coast, and he was in DC. Now that he has a text plan, I can text him and we feel more connected.

Does her phone have good, inexpensive coverage in those countries? If she is relying upon WiFi to make calls, that would exacerbate the time zone issue.

Not saying it’s all in your head, just giving you a plausible reason. I would ask about cell coverage in those countries, to get the conversation going.

I agree with this. My husband is an attorney who travels to Asia a few times a year for a few weeks at a time. When he's there, we rarely talk for more than just a couple of minutes because our day and night schedules are completely flipped; we're all sleeping when he has free time and vice versa. And it's tough on everyone when he gets back, because he's totally jet lagged and just kind of mess for a couple of days until his body adjusts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think we'd need to know what kind of work she does before we could say either way if it's normal.

Sorry, can't discuss that and it isn't germane anyway.

Cell coverage is reliable, however she does rely on Wifi for texting. She's 10 hours ahead right now so it's very convenient if she were inclined. She should be back in her room, alone, by, say, 9pm, right? That's 11am here (DC).

It's that she has the ability and chooses not to that bothers me I guess.

I have asked her and her response is along the lines of "Wifi was spotty, or down." "I was exhausted after long day." "Sorry, I forgot"

It's always excuses.

The paranoid me thinks she's sitting there with a guy and isn't going to text her husband in front of him.

[Anonymous]

DOes she normally tell you a lot about work?

Is she a consultant? I had a boss with that background and on trips to clients, there were no boundaries. We worked on the plane, we worked late, we worked early. It was normal to spend all day with the client and then almost all night turning around a deliverable for the next day. So maybe she’s just tired and it sucked.

For me at least, there was zero sexiness about work travel. Nothing says “you’re my platonic colleague” more than a 5am meeting and tragic late night dinner at Chili’s Too in the airport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we'd need to know what kind of work she does before we could say either way if it's normal.

No, not normal. She should be reachable in this current climate of accessiblity. Do you have a set time that she'll contact you (e.g. does she call at dinner each night? or at breakfast? Sometime that she knows you'll be doing something and will be available? Her schedule is probably more erratic. When my DH travels I usually leave it to him to call and check in because I don't want to accidentally wake him up, interrupt a meeting, etc. But we are pretty available here at dinner and breakfast, he can talk to the kids and me.

You don't know that because you don't know what OP's wife is doing. If her trips are taking her to urban areas then yes, I would expect her to be accessible. But I don't think you appreciate how much worse the cell and other communications coverage is outside of urban areas in a lot of Asia and the Middle East -- it's nothing like here in the U.S. where it's rare not to have at least some kind of cell coverage in most areas.

[Anonymous]

Assuming these work excursions aren’t exactly new, that she’s had several and assuming you were okay with her silence initially the real question is what changed and when?
Question you need to be asking is, “Why am I bothered by this now all the sudden when I was perfectly fine with it before?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we'd need to know what kind of work she does before we could say either way if it's normal.

Sorry, can't discuss that and it isn't germane anyway.

Cell coverage is reliable, however she does rely on Wifi for texting. She's 10 hours ahead right now so it's very convenient if she were inclined. She should be back in her room, alone, by, say, 9pm, right? That's 11am here (DC).

It's that she has the ability and chooses not to that bothers me I guess.

I have asked her and her response is along the lines of "Wifi was spotty, or down." "I was exhausted after long day." "Sorry, I forgot"

It's always excuses.

The paranoid me thinks she's sitting there with a guy and isn't going to text her husband in front of him.

PP with the attorney husband here, my husband is rarely back in his hotel room for the night by 9 pm when he's traveling. Typically he's either out at a client dinner or working (because they try to cram as much work as possible into each day to minimize the length of the trip) until 10 or 11 each night.

How is your relationship when she's home? If she's making excuse or "forgetting," it's not necessarily that she's having an affair, but if things aren't great between you guys it could be that these trips are a kind of break for her from marriage stresses and she's avoiding talking to you because she doesn't want to deal with complaints, resentment, etc.

[Anonymous]

Normal to me. I'm just like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we'd need to know what kind of work she does before we could say either way if it's normal.

No, not normal. She should be reachable in this current climate of accessiblity. Do you have a set time that she'll contact you (e.g. does she call at dinner each night? or at breakfast? Sometime that she knows you'll be doing something and will be available? Her schedule is probably more erratic. When my DH travels I usually leave it to him to call and check in because I don't want to accidentally wake him up, interrupt a meeting, etc. But we are pretty available here at dinner and breakfast, he can talk to the kids and me.

You don't know that because you don't know what OP's wife is doing. If her trips are taking her to urban areas then yes, I would expect her to be accessible. But I don't think you appreciate how much worse the cell and other communications coverage is outside of urban areas in a lot of Asia and the Middle East -- it's nothing like here in the U.S. where it's rare not to have at least some kind of cell coverage in most areas.

Most professional work travel is to urban areas or at least multiple stops in urban areas. I travel and have been to most parts of the world and I am always surprised at how much cell coverage there is in developing countries. They rely heavily on their phones and cell coverage is pretty amazing. Obviously if by some rare chance, she is in remote regions, then no - but I assume she would tell her spouse if she was remote and would be out of contact for weeks...versus, she is tried, she is busy etc.

[Anonymous]

Some people need to get-in-the-zone when facing a challenge. I like to focus, and tend to push other things out of my mind when I travel. She may thrive on a little mystery. That's not a bad thing. It probably keeps her happy overall. I do think, however, that you should consider it spook-related.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we'd need to know what kind of work she does before we could say either way if it's normal.

Sorry, can't discuss that and it isn't germane anyway.

Cell coverage is reliable, however she does rely on Wifi for texting. She's 10 hours ahead right now so it's very convenient if she were inclined. She should be back in her room, alone, by, say, 9pm, right? That's 11am here (DC).

It's that she has the ability and chooses not to that bothers me I guess.

I have asked her and her response is along the lines of "Wifi was spotty, or down." "I was exhausted after long day." "Sorry, I forgot"

It's always excuses.

The paranoid me thinks she's sitting there with a guy and isn't going to text her husband in front of him.

This could be me: I am tired at the end of a day, and I always forget to touch base, because I know the home front is in good hands and under control. My DH is kind of the same way, so we aren't paranoid about it at all. You should just discuss it.