Reply to Wife Goes Silent on Work Travel

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I don't want to discount how you feel at all, because your wife ought to make a better effort to explain things to you.  However, my husband also has a TS clearance and travels to places that he is only allowed to tell me about (in person, never over the phone, text, or email) now that we're married (and we usually can't even tell his parents where he is).  Sometimes he is off the radar for days, even weeks at a time.  Literally, once he was on a submarine and went completely dark.  He routinely travels to locations in Asia and it takes him many days to get back to normal after he returns.  His days there are long and stressful and when he sends a text saying he's back in his hotel and is crashing, I take it at face value.  However, I do so because I have never once been suspicious about what he's doing.  I generally know why he's going and where he's going, even if he has to be vague about certain details, even to me.  Loose lips sink ships and all that.  I found out one time when I thought he was in San Diego (he did start there) that he was actually on the USS Carl Vinsen staring at Osama Bin Laden's dead body.  I think all the people saying they always text/call, and your wife is being an absentee mother don't fully appreciate what she does (assuming that she really doesn't have a choice about her lack of availability, like my husband).  I don't think my husband is any less of a good dad when we don't hear from him for weeks because I know he'd much rather either be at home with us or be able to communicate with us but what he's doing doesn't allow it.  Honestly, if your wife was cheating on you, she'd probably do a better job to try to cover it up.  Like FaceTiming you saying she's going to bed minutes before she invites her co-worker into her room.  Again, the fact that you feel like this means your wife ought to do something to make you feel better, but if she seems present and engaged in your life when she's home, it's possible that her job really does limit her ability to communicate.[/quote]

I don't buy it -- how come DW can't call once she's stateside and got bumped from her flight? She's off the job then.

Also DW can avoid details but just tell DH something like &quot;I'm going to be unreachable for the next 3 days, but we'll definitely facetime on Friday!&quot;. That gives away no secret details.[/quote]

PP here.  I think there are more things to consider than simply the details of what she's doing.  It's quite possible that she is completely drained from her trip and work.  And she might not know when she'll be available.  Sometimes my husband is silent for days.  Once it was almost three weeks (luckily that was before we had kids, but it sucked).  He was literally in a war zone and couldn't send communications out.  And yes, he usually tries to let me know as soon as he's on land again, even if it's in a different country, but if I asked him to FaceTime with me after getting off a ship in Okinawa, taking a train multiple hours to his hotel, and then having to deal with booking a flight at the last minute due to not knowing when he'd be able to leave, he would for sure say no, and I wouldn't think he's cheating on me.  I just don't think unless you've been in the situation that OP's wife may (or may not) be in, you can understand how draining it is.  [/quote]

I do understand, at least the being tired after a long trip, but I still don't buy it.

I go to Asia multiple times a year. We'll still Facetime even right as I arrive, if the kids want to. DW will see I'm tired and we'll just talk for &lt; 5 minutes but I'm able to do that.

Surely someone with the energy to check into the hotel stateside has enough energy to hold their phone to their face for a few minutes?[/quote]

Eh, everyone is different.  Some people love meeting with clients and come back from those trips energized.  Other people do work that exhausts them on multiple levels and are just totally spent when they're done.  I didn't understand my husband's inability to shake off his work and jet lag the first time he traveled to Asia but he explained to me that it just sucked everything out of him and he could barely lift his head when he got back and it could take him up to a week to feel back to normal.  Personally, I HATE FaceTiming unless I feel like I'm made up and looking good - nothing like staring at your tired, haggard face on an unflattering screen to make you feel good.  Again, I'm not trying to discount OP's feelings or condone everything his wife is doing.  OP is obviously upset and she should care enough (once home and feeling back to normal) to address how he feels about this. [/quote]

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