Stopping caring saved my marriage
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| Try reading "The Dance of Anger." When you're moving toward someone, their natural reaction is to step away. Take a step back, they naturally move forward. |
Anonymous
You have no idea who he will turn into and who you will turn into after you are married and in the grind. What happens is that life circumstances change. Kids, different jobs, new cities, etc. And neither of you have any idea what the other will become or as things change, what you and him regret losing or decide is missing. I think it is a 50/50 chance any of us make a good choice in a life partner. My advice is to not get married, not have kids and live a fullfilling life by yourself. That comes with other complications, but that is my advice. My other advice is to have heart-to-heart talks with all your married friends and friends with kids. Most people married with kids don't give it to you straight. I walked into having kids thinking I knew how to have good relationships and that I would be a better parent than anyone I knew. Would I have had kids if I knew that it meant I got a literal 10 quiet minutes every few days? Make a journal of how many minutes you are alone now. None of us can really understand how literally 99% of that all goes away when we give birth. For at least 10 years if you get a challenging kid. Not trying to derail the thread! Just commenting that there were signs he was going to react this way that I did not see. Some of them I couldn't see. I didn't understand until it was too late. Pick a better partner, and the criteria yoi have can be bullcrap. I passed up on a lot of guys who could have been better partners. |
Anonymous
Not the doter, but thanks for this. |
Anonymous
In some states. |
Anonymous
Yes, exactly. That's the "or stay with" part. It's not about luck, it is about choice. |
Anonymous
|
Anonymous
| This is my favorite thread ever on DCUM. I am not alone! I came to this same conclusion/plan on my own -- but find peace and validation that this is the reality for others too! Live and let live. |
Anonymous
I think this is right. I've always been very self-sufficient. What people are describing in this thread....well, all of my romantic relationships have had shades of this. My marriage has always been this way. It was problematic in the early years of marriage, because my DH likes to be relied upon and wanted to be the white knight, so to speak. But through counseling, we came to a better understanding of each other. I leaned on him a little more and he came to see my self-sufficiency as evidence of how much I *wanted* to be with him--better, really, than needing someone. I could easily get along without DH. I choose to stay. (Interestingly, when our kids were young, I felt like I needed DH very much, like I had finally met something I couldn't tackle on my own. And this was the time in our marriage when we fought the most, when I was most unhappy. I felt trapped. Then the kids got older, I got a handle on things, and we went back to our regular, pleasant relationship.) I think DH and I have a reasonably happy, successful marriage. We enjoy each other's company, we do things together, we love our kids. But we both mostly do what we want. We have a decent sex life, although that's gotten to be more difficult now that I am approaching menopause. I'm just not as interested as I used to be. Sex might be the one thing that I regularly engage in just to make him happy. (Once we get started, I enjoy myself, so it's really not that big a sacrifice.) We've been married 25 years. I actually had a happy, stable childhood, and I'm very close to my parents. I have plenty of good friends. I adore my kids. So it sounds kind of cold I guess, but I am actually a very warm, affectionate person. I'm not needy in my relationships with anyone though. |
Anonymous
Ditto. I'm not alone! |
Anonymous
I don't ever tell my husband what he is doing wrong. I ask him to do it another way. Since I have this exact same issue I will tell you what I do (although my husband doesn't curse, the rest of it fits him). I say " I would prefer if you would say 'I'm uncomfortable with that idea could you find another way to do it'" and then I'd let it go. I've said my piece, I can't make him be perfect for me but I won't allow that kind of nastiness to go without being addressed. Hope that helps. |
Anonymous
I just found this thread and got to your post at the top of Page 8 and had to agree! My marriage is only four years old, but this is what I did. I should not have to tell you when the garbage is full and needs to be taken out. You should pick up toilet paper when you notice we are low without being told. The grocery list is on the fridge, do not call me from the store asking what we need. If you forgot the list, guess, just like you would if you were single. Sometimes I had to lay down the law and sometimes I could raise and resolve the issue jokingly, but no way in hell was I just going to acquiesce to DH deciding he could abdicate all adult responsibilities once he had me. Our marriage has been strong from the beginning, I suppose since we lived together and fought those battles prior to marriage, and there is no need to be apathetic or detached because we don't criticize each other. We are equal and loving partners in making our lives into what we want. |
Anonymous
I would be inclined to cut a partner some more slack than that (and expect the same in return), but other than that, you and the other PP are my new heroes. This is what I aspire to in my next relationship. It's about knowing you have other good options (including being single), and the other person knowing that you know you have other good options and are willing to exercise them, and not daring to call your bluff. As negotiation expert William Ury writes: "The purpose of negotiation is to explore whether you can satisfy your interests better through an agreement than you could by pursuing your Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement (BATNA). Your BATNA is your walkaway alternative. It's your best course of action for satisfying your interests without the other's agrement. ... Your power depends ... on how good your BATNA is. If you have a viable alternative, then you have power in the negotiation." |
Anonymous
| If you have the kind of marriage where "laying down the law" results in positive changes, then this thread is not for you. It's for the people like pp who, after a million conversations, still has a spouse who comes home and thinks he's entitled to have the night to himself after a hard day at work. I'm in that group, and there comes a time when you have to accept that what you're doing has not worked and will not work, no matter how many times you repeat it. If you do not want a divorce because of your kids, then you have to take a step back and figure out what works for you. The upside is that a lot of times it's the stepping back that makes lazy husbands step forward a bit. |
Anonymous
|
Anonymous
|