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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]NP here. Married 20+ years, I've detached for a few years now and it has definitely helped, as OP and PPs have noted.

I have a question for this group. My husband is great around the house, with meals, kids, etc. but his issue is that he has a hard time with his temper. The other day, we were talking about an activity I wanted to do. Without going into detail, it would have involved me going over to a stranger's house. I was fine with it (the stranger was someone I had checked out and was a legit guy) but I broached the subject with him to see if he was comfortable. We were two or three sentences into the discussion, and out of the blue he said "Do whatever the fuck you want." Totally inappropriate to jump to DEFCON 5 in my book. Had he said "Hey, I'm just not comfortable with you doing that. Can you find another way to do it?" I would've of course said "yeah, I hear you. Let me rethink this."

This is typical of him - he goes from nice/reasonable to upset/nasty in a flash. He does this maybe 2-3 times a year. Clearly, this is his issue, not mine. But two days later, I'm feeling hurt and around the house we are being polite but barely speaking. He is not an apologizer, so I do not expect an apology. Also, I know that if I try to sit down and discuss this with him, he will drag out all my past "transgressions" (in other post-argument discussions past, one such transgression was that I went out to dinner with a group of moms from my son's sports team the week before I went on a vacation. So in my view at least, his thinking is a little bizarre...).

Anyway, I am wondering how you fellow detachers would handle this. I typically eventually act like nothing's wrong and move on. Again, it's his issue, not mine. Thanks.[/quote]

I don't ever tell my husband what he is doing wrong.  I ask him to do it another way.

Since I have this exact same issue I will tell you what I do (although my husband doesn't curse, the rest of it fits him).  I say " I would prefer if you would say 'I'm uncomfortable with that idea could you find another way to do it'" and then I'd let it go.  I've said my piece, I can't make him be perfect for me but I won't allow that kind of nastiness to go without being addressed.

Hope that helps. [/quote]

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