Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you contact the other woman you may find out there is nothing wrong going on.

A DW once contacted me. She had rushed to too many conclusions and obviously had some insecurities about her marriage. I told her there was no way her husband was interested in me other than working with me on a professional level and that nothing, absolutely nothing, inappropriate was going on. I also told her if she did not want me having lunch with him (even though there were other co-workers around) I would respect her wishes.

In my case, I don't think they ever crossed a line. Weren't physical, didn't talk about feelings, etc. But I could tell, could feel, he had feelings for her. I knew he felt they had a strong connection and he began to see all my flaws. It was a really hard thing to experience. We were having hard times but I thought he was strong enough to face them with me and work through it, not fall for some random coworker who was going through the worst time in your life and was a mess.

So what was the resolution/outcome?

They are no longer in communication (they are in the same niche industry, so some run ins are inevitable, but he tells me about those now. They aren't talking and texting all the time). Once they ended the friendship, it took him a while to get out of the "affair fog." He admitted that they were in a bubble together, only seeing the best sides of each other, vs. us having to worry about kids and the running of a household and being married etc. We are working on things and making progress.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am a "victim" of my spouse's emotional affair. I don't think it would do you any good to contact her. The woman in our case KNEW all about the problems their "friendship" was causing - and just didn't give a shit. I had an infant at the time. I had my ex husband call her on the phone in front of me and explain that 1) I had found all the phone records and other evidence and 2) in order to try to save our marriage she needed to have NO contact with him. They both ignored my putting my foot down, and our marital therapist's direction (to him) that he end contact.

We are divorced now. My infant is growing up without her father. The woman sees us (from a distance) regularly - although he didn't end up with her. I'm sure she still does't give a shit.

Be careful about making demands and ultimatums, because wwhat do you do when they ignore you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a "victim" of my spouse's emotional affair. I don't think it would do you any good to contact her. The woman in our case KNEW all about the problems their "friendship" was causing - and just didn't give a shit. I had an infant at the time. I had my ex husband call her on the phone in front of me and explain that 1) I had found all the phone records and other evidence and 2) in order to try to save our marriage she needed to have NO contact with him. They both ignored my putting my foot down, and our marital therapist's direction (to him) that he end contact.

We are divorced now. My infant is growing up without her father. The woman sees us (from a distance) regularly - although he didn't end up with her. I'm sure she still does't give a shit.

Be careful about making demands and ultimatums, because wwhat do you do when they ignore you?

Not OP but a PP on this thread -

In life, you can only control your actions not the actions of others. If your spouse is having an extra marital relationship, you only have two choices.

1) Accept/ignore/allow the spouse to continue the relationship.

2) Tell the spouse the relationship is a deal breaker and be prepared to walk if the relationship doesn't end.

So sorry for the PP above but I would imagine she is better off without a DH that wouldn't choose his family over the other woman. That action he took speaks volume as to where his priorities are. Hopefully, you are now free to find the love and commitment you deserve in life.

My dad had a physical affair and my mom gave him an ultimatum in which he chose the other woman. My mom was a strong individual and couldn't live with a man who wasn't fully committed to her. Years later, my dad regretted the choice he made and asked my mom to take him back but she liked her new life and independence. Other men appreciated better what she had to offer and she didn't ever want to go back. As a family, my mom, sister, and I were better off without him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a "victim" of my spouse's emotional affair. I don't think it would do you any good to contact her. The woman in our case KNEW all about the problems their "friendship" was causing - and just didn't give a shit. I had an infant at the time. I had my ex husband call her on the phone in front of me and explain that 1) I had found all the phone records and other evidence and 2) in order to try to save our marriage she needed to have NO contact with him. They both ignored my putting my foot down, and our marital therapist's direction (to him) that he end contact.

We are divorced now. My infant is growing up without her father. The woman sees us (from a distance) regularly - although he didn't end up with her. I'm sure she still does't give a shit.

Be careful about making demands and ultimatums, because wwhat do you do when they ignore you?

Not OP but a PP on this thread -

In life, you can only control your actions not the actions of others. If your spouse is having an extra marital relationship, you only have two choices.

1) Accept/ignore/allow the spouse to continue the relationship.

2) Tell the spouse the relationship is a deal breaker and be prepared to walk if the relationship doesn't end.

So sorry for the PP above but I would imagine she is better off without a DH that wouldn't choose his family over the other woman. That action he took speaks volume as to where his priorities are. Hopefully, you are now free to find the love and commitment you deserve in life.

My dad had a physical affair and my mom gave him an ultimatum in which he chose the other woman. My mom was a strong individual and couldn't live with a man who wasn't fully committed to her. Years later, my dad regretted the choice he made and asked my mom to take him back but she liked her new life and independence. Other men appreciated better what she had to offer and she didn't ever want to go back. As a family, my mom, sister, and I were better off without him.

Yes, PP here, I am much happier and better off without him. The way the whole think went down really sucked however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been acting weird lately and I've been wondering if he is having an emotional affair. I don't think he is having a physical affair because frankly I don't know when he would have the time.

Can anyone else share how they found out? Don't know what to do.

Lunch time, after you are sleep, business trips, any minute he is not with you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I can think of a few problems with this approach and it ultimately does not improve trust between you and your spouse:

1) The spouse thinks you are crazy and doesn't believe you.

2) Say you are successful and you ruin the other person's marriage. Aren't you making the other person more available for your spouse by making her/him single?

3) Say you get what you want and you break up the affair. Who's to say your cheating spouse won't just find someone else since he/she was out there looking in the first place? The other person is just a symptom of what is wrong in your marriage, not the problem.

I think you should only deal with your spouse because all odds are off when you get in the middle of the other couple's marriage. You come off as seeming vindictive and a looney toon. You can, however, insist on your spouse ending contact with the other person and work on your relationship. Focus on your marriage not the other person's would be the best approach at ending the affair and ending the possibility of future affairs.

Just my two cents.

What trust "between" you? Your spouse is having an affair, so he or she is by definition not trustworthy. Trust must be re-earned; it is not a right.

1. That's why you need proof.

2. Why do you think the goal is to ruin the other person's marriage? The goal is to stop the affair. Two people trying to stop it works better than one.

3. Wrong again. The statistics referred to earlier on this thread and born out in research on infidelity is that more than half of married people having affairs characterize their marriages as happy or very happy. Most affairs are "symptoms" of problems within the cheating spouse, and not within the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I can think of a few problems with this approach and it ultimately does not improve trust between you and your spouse:

1) The spouse thinks you are crazy and doesn't believe you.

2) Say you are successful and you ruin the other person's marriage. Aren't you making the other person more available for your spouse by making her/him single?

3) Say you get what you want and you break up the affair. Who's to say your cheating spouse won't just find someone else since he/she was out there looking in the first place? The other person is just a symptom of what is wrong in your marriage, not the problem.

I think you should only deal with your spouse because all odds are off when you get in the middle of the other couple's marriage. You come off as seeming vindictive and a looney toon. You can, however, insist on your spouse ending contact with the other person and work on your relationship. Focus on your marriage not the other person's would be the best approach at ending the affair and ending the possibility of future affairs.

Just my two cents.

What trust "between" you? Your spouse is having an affair, so he or she is by definition not trustworthy. Trust must be re-earned; it is not a right.

1. That's why you need proof.

2. Why do you think the goal is to ruin the other person's marriage? The goal is to stop the affair. Two people trying to stop it works better than one.

3. Wrong again. The statistics referred to earlier on this thread and born out in research on infidelity is that more than half of married people having affairs characterize their marriages as happy or very happy. Most affairs are "symptoms" of problems within the cheating spouse, and not within the marriage.

I guess I just totally disagree with most of your logic.

1) What you consider "proof" the other spouse may not believe it because he/she is in denial.

2) Maybe your "goal" is to stop the affair but the other spouse may not support your goal. He/she may be at the end of his/her rope and say enough is enough and end the marriage. That spouse may not give a damn about whether the affair continues or not because she/he decides to leave the equation. If the person your spouse cheated with is cut free, isn't that person more likely to keep going after your spouse?

3) You must not have understood my point because you basically just restated it. If a spouse cheats once, he or she will probably do it again just because it is in his/her nature. The moral makeup of the spouse and why he/she is cheating is the real issue, not the other person. So why spend your wheels focusing on the person your spouse cheated with? Even if you are successful in ending the relationship you found out about, what is going to stop your spouse from going behind your back and finding someone new?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I can think of a few problems with this approach and it ultimately does not improve trust between you and your spouse:

1) The spouse thinks you are crazy and doesn't believe you.

2) Say you are successful and you ruin the other person's marriage. Aren't you making the other person more available for your spouse by making her/him single?

3) Say you get what you want and you break up the affair. Who's to say your cheating spouse won't just find someone else since he/she was out there looking in the first place? The other person is just a symptom of what is wrong in your marriage, not the problem.

I think you should only deal with your spouse because all odds are off when you get in the middle of the other couple's marriage. You come off as seeming vindictive and a looney toon. You can, however, insist on your spouse ending contact with the other person and work on your relationship. Focus on your marriage not the other person's would be the best approach at ending the affair and ending the possibility of future affairs.

Just my two cents.

What trust "between" you? Your spouse is having an affair, so he or she is by definition not trustworthy. Trust must be re-earned; it is not a right.

1. That's why you need proof.

2. Why do you think the goal is to ruin the other person's marriage? The goal is to stop the affair. Two people trying to stop it works better than one.

3. Wrong again. The statistics referred to earlier on this thread and born out in research on infidelity is that more than half of married people having affairs characterize their marriages as happy or very happy. Most affairs are "symptoms" of problems within the cheating spouse, and not within the marriage.

I guess I just totally disagree with most of your logic.

1) What you consider "proof" the other spouse may not believe it because he/she is in denial.

2) Maybe your "goal" is to stop the affair but the other spouse may not support your goal. He/she may be at the end of his/her rope and say enough is enough and end the marriage. That spouse may not give a damn about whether the affair continues or not because she/he decides to leave the equation. If the person your spouse cheated with is cut free, isn't that person more likely to keep going after your spouse?

3) You must not have understood my point because you basically just restated it. If a spouse cheats once, he or she will probably do it again just because it is in his/her nature. The moral makeup of the spouse and why he/she is cheating is the real issue, not the other person. So why spend your wheels focusing on the person your spouse cheated with? Even if you are successful in ending the relationship you found out about, what is going to stop your spouse from going behind your back and finding someone new?

1. You are kidding yourself if you think most people cannot accept hard physical evidence (emails, phone bills, photos) of their spouse's infidelity. Denial lasts a very short time in those instances.

2. Why does it matter if the affair partner's spouse decides to end the marriage? It isn't as though being married stopped the affair to begin with.

3. What you said was, "The other person is just a symptom of what is wrong in your marriage, not the problem" is not blaming the moral makeup of the spouse. It is blaming the marriage. If you wanted to blame the cheater, you would have said, "symptom of what is wrong in your spouse." And these are first steps. The betrayed spouse should then insist that the cheater seek therapy (joint and individual) to address their character flaws.

My sister thought the way you do. I told her to expose her husband's affair to his girlfriends' husband. My sister decided not to, even listening to the other woman's "promise me you won't contact my husband." Gave her husband and the girlfriend 8 more months to take the affair underground while they gaslighted my sister that it was over. Finally, the OW's husband found photos. But by then, it was too late.

People in affairs are like cockroaches. They live in the dark, and scatter when a harsh light is thrown on them. The sooner you expose, the better.

[Anonymous]

Not the poster in the above discussion. I agree that affairs thrive on secrecy, but I would not contact the other person or the spouse. I did not contact either. I dealt with my husband. His affair was mild I suppose compared to some, it was basically a platonic friendship that went too far and he did develop feelings for her but neither acted on it. Her marriage was ending anyway so her spouse probably wouldn't have cared. And since it didn't get physical, may not have even registered for him the same way it did for me since men are more affected my their wives physical affairs.

[Anonymous]

I'm one who's just come out of an emotional affair. I've talked to my husband about it though I did not describe it as an emotional affair. I told him I felt very strongly for this friend and that I also felt physically attracted to him. I was never sure whether I'd fallen in love with this friend or not. I'm starting to think a part of me must have, because it's extremely painful realizing the extent of my feelings for him and realizing that our friendship will never go back to what it was before it evolved into an emotional affair. And that in all likelihood, we won't end up being friends. This friend and I never spoke like lovers and certainly never acted like it. We were just really good friends who liked spending lots of time together. And I wasn't spending time with him b/c of any problems in my marriage. I'm very happy in my marriage.

The situation fills me with so much sadness though, b/c I feel I've lost a good friend, and I wish we could recover our friendship, and I wish that we could both work at the friendship and make sure that our feelings are kept under control. Because underneath it all, I can't help but feel that what we had was a good friendship that sometimes got confused with sexual attraction and feelings of tenderness. Is this completely naive? Has anyone had an emotional affair and managed to stay friends with the person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm one who's just come out of an emotional affair. I've talked to my husband about it though I did not describe it as an emotional affair. I told him I felt very strongly for this friend and that I also felt physically attracted to him. I was never sure whether I'd fallen in love with this friend or not. I'm starting to think a part of me must have, because it's extremely painful realizing the extent of my feelings for him and realizing that our friendship will never go back to what it was before it evolved into an emotional affair. And that in all likelihood, we won't end up being friends. This friend and I never spoke like lovers and certainly never acted like it. We were just really good friends who liked spending lots of time together. And I wasn't spending time with him b/c of any problems in my marriage. I'm very happy in my marriage.

The situation fills me with so much sadness though, b/c I feel I've lost a good friend, and I wish we could recover our friendship, and I wish that we could both work at the friendship and make sure that our feelings are kept under control. Because underneath it all, I can't help but feel that what we had was a good friendship that sometimes got confused with sexual attraction and feelings of tenderness. Is this completely naive? Has anyone had an emotional affair and managed to stay friends with the person?

Temptation is too great with the friendship. Right now you feel sadness and maybe even wonder what could have been. Not good to dwell on it. Keep distant from the other man and give yourself time to focus on your family and marriage first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm one who's just come out of an emotional affair. I've talked to my husband about it though I did not describe it as an emotional affair. I told him I felt very strongly for this friend and that I also felt physically attracted to him. I was never sure whether I'd fallen in love with this friend or not. I'm starting to think a part of me must have, because it's extremely painful realizing the extent of my feelings for him and realizing that our friendship will never go back to what it was before it evolved into an emotional affair. And that in all likelihood, we won't end up being friends. This friend and I never spoke like lovers and certainly never acted like it. We were just really good friends who liked spending lots of time together. And I wasn't spending time with him b/c of any problems in my marriage. I'm very happy in my marriage.

The situation fills me with so much sadness though, b/c I feel I've lost a good friend, and I wish we could recover our friendship, and I wish that we could both work at the friendship and make sure that our feelings are kept under control. Because underneath it all, I can't help but feel that what we had was a good friendship that sometimes got confused with sexual attraction and feelings of tenderness. Is this completely naive? Has anyone had an emotional affair and managed to stay friends with the person?

To quote Cher , "Snap out of it." You are still fantasizing about the other man and your husband can't compete with a fantasy.

How would your husband feel if he knew you were still trying to have a friendship with a man you were physically attracted to? I know what my husband would do. Pack my stuff in a suitcase, throw it out the door, and change the locks.

Figure out where your priorities are before you regret what you are doing. If you want to save your marriage, stay the hell away from the other man. Not good for you, not good for him, and definitely not good for your husband and marriage. Make new, female friends to help fill the "friendship" role.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. The woman hung up on her ex-affair partner/good friend, you are sabotaging yourself and keeping yourself from happiness. Bullshit you were "very happy" in your marriage while this was going on. You can't have strong intimate feelings for two men at the same time as an adult for any length of time. The affair guy was a fantasy. It wasn't real intimacy. Your relationship with your husband suffered/is suffering - I don't believe for a minute it's not. How would you feel if your husband felt like he was in love with another woman?

It is seductive to fall into the trap of wanting what you can't have, but a shitty way to go through life. If you got together with this fantasy real life would intervene. Just like your husband, you would let each other down, piss each other off. Not saying it wouldn't work out but real life is real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you contact the other woman you may find out there is nothing wrong going on.

A DW once contacted me. She had rushed to too many conclusions and obviously had some insecurities about her marriage. I told her there was no way her husband was interested in me other than working with me on a professional level and that nothing, absolutely nothing, inappropriate was going on. I also told her if she did not want me having lunch with him (even though there were other co-workers around) I would respect her wishes.

In my case, I don't think they ever crossed a line. Weren't physical, didn't talk about feelings, etc. But I could tell, could feel, he had feelings for her. I knew he felt they had a strong connection and he began to see all my flaws. It was a really hard thing to experience. We were having hard times but I thought he was strong enough to face them with me and work through it, not fall for some random coworker who was going through the worst time in your life and was a mess.

So what was the resolution/outcome?

They are no longer in communication (they are in the same niche industry, so some run ins are inevitable, but he tells me about those now. They aren't talking and texting all the time). Once they ended the friendship, it took him a while to get out of the "affair fog." He admitted that they were in a bubble together, only seeing the best sides of each other, vs. us having to worry about kids and the running of a household and being married etc. We are working on things and making progress.

So how did you work through it? Did you go to counseling? Did he admit or realize he was having an emotional affair? How did he leave the "fog" of being enamored?

[Anonymous]

Trying to get out of "fog" of emotional affair myself. Basically, three months after I stopped all contact with him it still sucks but sucks less and less each day. The relationship wasn't good for him, me, or our families and would have only led to more frustration and unhappiness. Despite knowing this and rationalizing why I am better off without him in my life, I still miss him and often wonder if he misses me. I am hoping if I stay the course these feelings will fade with time. I have no plans what so ever to contact him and don't want him to contact me. I need space and time to heal and get over it.

This summer, I tried to focus more on my kids and reconnect with DH. Making more one on one time to talk with DH has helped. I am starting to see glimpses of the man I originally fell in love with. I know most women would find him a catch (good looking, smart, financially successful, helps with kids). It just over time we have become more like best friends than lovers. We need to get to the point we connect more as a couple but I don't know how much he is willing to work with me to that ultimate goal.

I have also rekindled friendships with my girl friends. Socializing more with them has helped to fill in my need to talk to someone about life stuff.

Exercising more has helped released the emotional tension that builds up. When I am really frustrated and start thinking too much, I go for a 5 mile run.

May not be the best solution, but when I am having a real bad day, alcohol has helped. I don't get drunk or anything but a glass of wine or a gin and tonic does take the edge off when life sucks.

Looking back, I wish I never met the guy. I definitely will steer clear of any male friendships in the future. Everything started innocently but somewhere along the road the boundaries got blurred. The temporary high of the relationship is not worth the emotional fall out that follows.