Reply to Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

I can think of a few problems with this approach and it ultimately does not improve trust between you and your spouse:

1) The spouse thinks you are crazy and doesn't believe you.

2) Say you are successful and you ruin the other person's marriage.  Aren't you making the other person more available for your spouse by making her/him single?

3) Say you get what you want and you break up the affair.  Who's to say your cheating spouse won't just find someone else since he/she was out there looking in the first place?  The other person is just a symptom of what is wrong in your marriage, not the problem.

I think you should only deal with your spouse because all odds are off when you get in the middle of the other couple's marriage.  You come off as seeming vindictive and a looney toon.  You can, however, insist on your spouse ending contact with the other person and work on your relationship.  Focus on your marriage not the other person's would be the best approach at ending the affair and ending the possibility of future affairs.

Just my two cents. [/quote]

What trust "between" you?  Your spouse is having an affair, so he or she is by definition not trustworthy.  Trust must be re-earned; it is not a right.

1.  That's why you need proof.

2.  Why do you think the goal is to ruin the other person's marriage?  The goal is to stop the affair.  Two people trying to stop it works better than one.

3.  Wrong again.  The statistics referred to earlier on this thread and born out in research on infidelity is that more than half of married people having affairs characterize their marriages as happy or very happy.  Most affairs are "symptoms" of problems within the cheating spouse, and not within the marriage.

[/quote]

I guess I just totally disagree with most of your logic.

1) What you consider "proof" the other spouse may not believe it because he/she is in denial.

2) Maybe your "goal" is to stop the affair but the other spouse may not support your goal.  He/she may be at the end of his/her rope and say enough is enough and end the marriage.  That spouse may not give a damn about whether the affair continues or not because she/he decides to leave the equation.  If the person your spouse cheated with is cut free, isn't that person more likely to keep going after your spouse?

3) You must not have understood my point because you basically just restated it.  If a spouse cheats once, he or she will probably do it again just because it is in his/her nature.  The moral makeup of the spouse and why he/she is cheating is the real issue, not the other person.  So why spend your wheels focusing on the person your spouse cheated with? Even if you are successful in ending the relationship you found out about, what is going to stop your spouse from going behind your back and finding someone new? [/quote]

1.  You are kidding yourself if you think most people cannot accept hard physical evidence (emails, phone bills, photos) of their spouse's infidelity.  Denial lasts a very short time in those instances.

2.  Why does it matter if the affair partner's spouse decides to end the marriage?  It isn't as though being married stopped the affair to begin with.

3.  What you said was, "The other person is just a symptom of what is wrong in your marriage, not the problem" is not blaming the moral makeup of the spouse.  It is blaming the marriage.  If you wanted to blame the cheater, you would have said, "symptom of what is wrong in your spouse."  And these are first steps.  The betrayed spouse should then insist that the cheater seek therapy (joint and individual) to address their character flaws.

My sister thought the way you do.  I told her to expose her husband's affair to his girlfriends' husband.  My sister decided not to, even listening to the other woman's "promise me you won't contact my husband."  Gave her husband and the girlfriend 8 more months to take the affair underground while they gaslighted my sister that it was over.  Finally, the OW's husband found photos.  But by then, it was too late.

People in affairs are like cockroaches.  They live in the dark, and scatter when a harsh light is thrown on them.  The sooner you expose, the better.[/quote]

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