Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you contact the other woman you may find out there is nothing wrong going on.

A DW once contacted me. She had rushed to too many conclusions and obviously had some insecurities about her marriage. I told her there was no way her husband was interested in me other than working with me on a professional level and that nothing, absolutely nothing, inappropriate was going on. I also told her if she did not want me having lunch with him (even though there were other co-workers around) I would respect her wishes.

In my case, I don't think they ever crossed a line. Weren't physical, didn't talk about feelings, etc. But I could tell, could feel, he had feelings for her. I knew he felt they had a strong connection and he began to see all my flaws. It was a really hard thing to experience. We were having hard times but I thought he was strong enough to face them with me and work through it, not fall for some random coworker who was going through the worst time in your life and was a mess.

So what was the resolution/outcome?

They are no longer in communication (they are in the same niche industry, so some run ins are inevitable, but he tells me about those now. They aren't talking and texting all the time). Once they ended the friendship, it took him a while to get out of the "affair fog." He admitted that they were in a bubble together, only seeing the best sides of each other, vs. us having to worry about kids and the running of a household and being married etc. We are working on things and making progress.

So how did you work through it? Did you go to counseling? Did he admit or realize he was having an emotional affair? How did he leave the "fog" of being enamored?

Yes, he admitted it. It took a while as he thought an affair had to have an intention behind it. Yes, counseling helped him see that, and me really pushing the issue and not letting him off the hook. How did he leave the fog...time and distance. Us getting closer and connecting. While he was in the fog with her he was going through the worst time in his life, personally and professionally. As we worked on things to make our marriage stronger, his personal life got better. With time he has progressed professionally as well (was going through a rough time at work but found a new position; a lateral move but much better day-to-day). An emotional affair is mainly a relationship in a bubble, an escape from reality, and he needed that escape less and less once he came to terms with reality (instead of numbing/avoiding) and faced it. Only then could he/we make changes. And once we faced our marriage problems, he didn't need to talk about them with her, he talked about them with me, and our therapist.

[Anonymous]

So has anyone managed to keep a friendship with someone they experienced tension with and had a sexual attraction to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm one who's just come out of an emotional affair. I've talked to my husband about it though I did not describe it as an emotional affair. I told him I felt very strongly for this friend and that I also felt physically attracted to him. I was never sure whether I'd fallen in love with this friend or not. I'm starting to think a part of me must have, because it's extremely painful realizing the extent of my feelings for him and realizing that our friendship will never go back to what it was before it evolved into an emotional affair. And that in all likelihood, we won't end up being friends. This friend and I never spoke like lovers and certainly never acted like it. We were just really good friends who liked spending lots of time together. And I wasn't spending time with him b/c of any problems in my marriage. I'm very happy in my marriage.

The situation fills me with so much sadness though, b/c I feel I've lost a good friend, and I wish we could recover our friendship, and I wish that we could both work at the friendship and make sure that our feelings are kept under control. Because underneath it all, I can't help but feel that what we had was a good friendship that sometimes got confused with sexual attraction and feelings of tenderness. Is this completely naive? Has anyone had an emotional affair and managed to stay friends with the person?

To quote Cher , "Snap out of it." You are still fantasizing about the other man and your husband can't compete with a fantasy.

How would your husband feel if he knew you were still trying to have a friendship with a man you were physically attracted to? I know what my husband would do. Pack my stuff in a suitcase, throw it out the door, and change the locks.

Figure out where your priorities are before you regret what you are doing. If you want to save your marriage, stay the hell away from the other man. Not good for you, not good for him, and definitely not good for your husband and marriage. Make new, female friends to help fill the "friendship" role.

Right, but I'm fully aware that this friend could never compete with my husband. I'm not in love with this other guy. I'm in love with my husband - we have a great relationship, open and communicative, and really good sex (better than I've ever had with anyone else). I'm attracted to this other guy, but that's it. I care about him as a friend, and think about fucking him sometimes, but it's not all-consuming. I have other friends I also think about fucking, but I am aware this is different b/c of the strong connection we share as friends. And my husband knows I want to try and maintain my friendship with this other guy. We talked about it. Oh, and I have plenty of female friends as well as male friends. I think I just wanted to spice up my life a little - let's face it, 10 years of marriage and life with two young kids can understandably create such a feeling and desire -- and the flirting and fun that was part of the friendship became addictive, and ended up complicating things and getting in the way of the friendship. I keep wishing there was a way to recover and work on the friendship, but I know I'm probably kidding myself. And anyway, I think this friend is going to establish distance and end the friendship, b/c I suspect, though he hasn't told me so, that he ended up falling for me. And if that's the case, I will be sure to respect his wishes and stay away from him. I'm just a whore who needs sexual attention from men to keep my life interesting and make me feel sexy and special. I'll admit it's not enough only getting sexual attention from my husband. I want it from lots of men. But I'm devoted to my husband and am not interested in pursuing a relationship outside of my marriage. I'm a mental whore, not a physical one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm one who's just come out of an emotional affair. I've talked to my husband about it though I did not describe it as an emotional affair. I told him I felt very strongly for this friend and that I also felt physically attracted to him. I was never sure whether I'd fallen in love with this friend or not. I'm starting to think a part of me must have, because it's extremely painful realizing the extent of my feelings for him and realizing that our friendship will never go back to what it was before it evolved into an emotional affair. And that in all likelihood, we won't end up being friends. This friend and I never spoke like lovers and certainly never acted like it. We were just really good friends who liked spending lots of time together. And I wasn't spending time with him b/c of any problems in my marriage. I'm very happy in my marriage.

The situation fills me with so much sadness though, b/c I feel I've lost a good friend, and I wish we could recover our friendship, and I wish that we could both work at the friendship and make sure that our feelings are kept under control. Because underneath it all, I can't help but feel that what we had was a good friendship that sometimes got confused with sexual attraction and feelings of tenderness. Is this completely naive? Has anyone had an emotional affair and managed to stay friends with the person?

To quote Cher , "Snap out of it." You are still fantasizing about the other man and your husband can't compete with a fantasy.

How would your husband feel if he knew you were still trying to have a friendship with a man you were physically attracted to? I know what my husband would do. Pack my stuff in a suitcase, throw it out the door, and change the locks.

Figure out where your priorities are before you regret what you are doing. If you want to save your marriage, stay the hell away from the other man. Not good for you, not good for him, and definitely not good for your husband and marriage. Make new, female friends to help fill the "friendship" role.

Right, but I'm fully aware that this friend could never compete with my husband. I'm not in love with this other guy. I'm in love with my husband - we have a great relationship, open and communicative, and really good sex (better than I've ever had with anyone else). I'm attracted to this other guy, but that's it. I care about him as a friend, and think about fucking him sometimes, but it's not all-consuming. I have other friends I also think about fucking, but I am aware this is different b/c of the strong connection we share as friends. And my husband knows I want to try and maintain my friendship with this other guy. We talked about it. Oh, and I have plenty of female friends as well as male friends. I think I just wanted to spice up my life a little - let's face it, 10 years of marriage and life with two young kids can understandably create such a feeling and desire -- and the flirting and fun that was part of the friendship became addictive, and ended up complicating things and getting in the way of the friendship. I keep wishing there was a way to recover and work on the friendship, but I know I'm probably kidding myself. And anyway, I think this friend is going to establish distance and end the friendship, b/c I suspect, though he hasn't told me so, that he ended up falling for me. And if that's the case, I will be sure to respect his wishes and stay away from him. I'm just a whore who needs sexual attention from men to keep my life interesting and make me feel sexy and special. I'll admit it's not enough only getting sexual attention from my husband. I want it from lots of men. But I'm devoted to my husband and am not interested in pursuing a relationship outside of my marriage. I'm a mental whore, not a physical one.

I suggest therapy. Lots of issues at play here you need to deal with, and don't think for a minute this won't affect your kids, rather they are boy or girls. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So has anyone managed to keep a friendship with someone they experienced tension with and had a sexual attraction to?

I think that's definitely possible, as long as you don't get too close. The random guy in another department at work who you run into once a week or so and chat with? Fine to be buds and have sexual tension/attraction. But when you start developing sexual tension and start becoming attracted to a close friend of the opposite sex? That is where trouble begins in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm one who's just come out of an emotional affair. I've talked to my husband about it though I did not describe it as an emotional affair. I told him I felt very strongly for this friend and that I also felt physically attracted to him. I was never sure whether I'd fallen in love with this friend or not. I'm starting to think a part of me must have, because it's extremely painful realizing the extent of my feelings for him and realizing that our friendship will never go back to what it was before it evolved into an emotional affair. And that in all likelihood, we won't end up being friends. This friend and I never spoke like lovers and certainly never acted like it. We were just really good friends who liked spending lots of time together. And I wasn't spending time with him b/c of any problems in my marriage. I'm very happy in my marriage.

The situation fills me with so much sadness though, b/c I feel I've lost a good friend, and I wish we could recover our friendship, and I wish that we could both work at the friendship and make sure that our feelings are kept under control. Because underneath it all, I can't help but feel that what we had was a good friendship that sometimes got confused with sexual attraction and feelings of tenderness. Is this completely naive? Has anyone had an emotional affair and managed to stay friends with the person?

To quote Cher , "Snap out of it." You are still fantasizing about the other man and your husband can't compete with a fantasy.

How would your husband feel if he knew you were still trying to have a friendship with a man you were physically attracted to? I know what my husband would do. Pack my stuff in a suitcase, throw it out the door, and change the locks.

Figure out where your priorities are before you regret what you are doing. If you want to save your marriage, stay the hell away from the other man. Not good for you, not good for him, and definitely not good for your husband and marriage. Make new, female friends to help fill the "friendship" role.

Right, but I'm fully aware that this friend could never compete with my husband. I'm not in love with this other guy. I'm in love with my husband - we have a great relationship, open and communicative, and really good sex (better than I've ever had with anyone else). I'm attracted to this other guy, but that's it. I care about him as a friend, and think about fucking him sometimes, but it's not all-consuming. I have other friends I also think about fucking, but I am aware this is different b/c of the strong connection we share as friends. And my husband knows I want to try and maintain my friendship with this other guy. We talked about it. Oh, and I have plenty of female friends as well as male friends. I think I just wanted to spice up my life a little - let's face it, 10 years of marriage and life with two young kids can understandably create such a feeling and desire -- and the flirting and fun that was part of the friendship became addictive, and ended up complicating things and getting in the way of the friendship. I keep wishing there was a way to recover and work on the friendship, but I know I'm probably kidding myself. And anyway, I think this friend is going to establish distance and end the friendship, b/c I suspect, though he hasn't told me so, that he ended up falling for me. And if that's the case, I will be sure to respect his wishes and stay away from him. I'm just a whore who needs sexual attention from men to keep my life interesting and make me feel sexy and special. I'll admit it's not enough only getting sexual attention from my husband. I want it from lots of men. But I'm devoted to my husband and am not interested in pursuing a relationship outside of my marriage. I'm a mental whore, not a physical one.

I would suggest you get professional help from a counselor, doctor, or psychiatrist. You are abusing the men around you by toying with them for your own, selfish needs. The fact you would call yourself a whore should be a signal that your subconscious at least acknowledges what you are doing to yourself and those around you isn't healthy, adult behavior. You also have very, low self esteem if you need others to give you sexual attention in order to make you feel sexy and special.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm one who's just come out of an emotional affair. I've talked to my husband about it though I did not describe it as an emotional affair. I told him I felt very strongly for this friend and that I also felt physically attracted to him. I was never sure whether I'd fallen in love with this friend or not. I'm starting to think a part of me must have, because it's extremely painful realizing the extent of my feelings for him and realizing that our friendship will never go back to what it was before it evolved into an emotional affair. And that in all likelihood, we won't end up being friends. This friend and I never spoke like lovers and certainly never acted like it. We were just really good friends who liked spending lots of time together. And I wasn't spending time with him b/c of any problems in my marriage. I'm very happy in my marriage.

The situation fills me with so much sadness though, b/c I feel I've lost a good friend, and I wish we could recover our friendship, and I wish that we could both work at the friendship and make sure that our feelings are kept under control. Because underneath it all, I can't help but feel that what we had was a good friendship that sometimes got confused with sexual attraction and feelings of tenderness. Is this completely naive? Has anyone had an emotional affair and managed to stay friends with the person?

To quote Cher , "Snap out of it." You are still fantasizing about the other man and your husband can't compete with a fantasy.

How would your husband feel if he knew you were still trying to have a friendship with a man you were physically attracted to? I know what my husband would do. Pack my stuff in a suitcase, throw it out the door, and change the locks.

Figure out where your priorities are before you regret what you are doing. If you want to save your marriage, stay the hell away from the other man. Not good for you, not good for him, and definitely not good for your husband and marriage. Make new, female friends to help fill the "friendship" role.

Right, but I'm fully aware that this friend could never compete with my husband. I'm not in love with this other guy. I'm in love with my husband - we have a great relationship, open and communicative, and really good sex (better than I've ever had with anyone else). I'm attracted to this other guy, but that's it. I care about him as a friend, and think about fucking him sometimes, but it's not all-consuming. I have other friends I also think about fucking, but I am aware this is different b/c of the strong connection we share as friends. And my husband knows I want to try and maintain my friendship with this other guy. We talked about it. Oh, and I have plenty of female friends as well as male friends. I think I just wanted to spice up my life a little - let's face it, 10 years of marriage and life with two young kids can understandably create such a feeling and desire -- and the flirting and fun that was part of the friendship became addictive, and ended up complicating things and getting in the way of the friendship. I keep wishing there was a way to recover and work on the friendship, but I know I'm probably kidding myself. And anyway, I think this friend is going to establish distance and end the friendship, b/c I suspect, though he hasn't told me so, that he ended up falling for me. And if that's the case, I will be sure to respect his wishes and stay away from him. I'm just a whore who needs sexual attention from men to keep my life interesting and make me feel sexy and special. I'll admit it's not enough only getting sexual attention from my husband. I want it from lots of men. But I'm devoted to my husband and am not interested in pursuing a relationship outside of my marriage. I'm a mental whore, not a physical one.

I would suggest you get professional help from a counselor, doctor, or psychiatrist. You are abusing the men around you by toying with them for your own, selfish needs. The fact you would call yourself a whore should be a signal that your subconscious at least acknowledges what you are doing to yourself and those around you isn't healthy, adult behavior. You also have very, low self esteem if you need others to give you sexual attention in order to make you feel sexy and special.

Oh please. Like no one likes to receive compliments and sexual attention from other people who are not their partner? And if we were to follow the advice of dcurbanmoms, every goddamn person would be in therapy. I do not think I'm a whore - it was a figure of speech. Oh, and I would like to add that I like attention not just from men but from women too.

[Anonymous]

You still have issues. And you have a painful road ahead as you get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You still have issues. And you have a painful road ahead as you get older.

Well I never expected life to be painless. We're all human after all, full of weaknesses, and constantly confronting difficult issues in our lives. And by being honest about this shit that does go on in my head and in my life, I'm doing my best to deal with and work through those issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You still have issues. And you have a painful road ahead as you get older.

Well I never expected life to be painless. We're all human after all, full of weaknesses, and constantly confronting difficult issues in our lives. And by being honest about this shit that does go on in my head and in my life, I'm doing my best to deal with and work through those issues.

If you seriously wanted to be honest and confront the difficult issues in your life, you should look at how you are using other people to fill up the emptiness in your soul. Do you ever think what the men in your life go through so you can get your thrill?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You still have issues. And you have a painful road ahead as you get older.

Well I never expected life to be painless. We're all human after all, full of weaknesses, and constantly confronting difficult issues in our lives. And by being honest about this shit that does go on in my head and in my life, I'm doing my best to deal with and work through those issues.

But from what you wrote, you don't seem to be confronting them. You sound really narcissistic...."he was falling for me." Please. Dude is probably in a rut with his wife and was doing exactly what you were doing with him - using you for validation. The relationship was based on pure selfishness and weakness and neither of you was giving ANYTHING - you were only taking and thus it is not a real relationship. You will continue to be unfullfilled and not content if you don't grow the f- up.

[Anonymous]

If you confronted your husband's/wife's emotional affair lover, what would you say to her/him?

Would you want to know what transpired between them? Would you want to compare what she/he had to say to what your spouse told you?

If someone has contacted the other person, how did that turn out? Did you feel better or worse after the conversation?

[Anonymous]

I contacted the OW. It had ended before I found out. I wanted to know who really ended it (if he chose me or came back by default). She said she ended it when she found out about me. I stayed w him but I've never felt as close to him since. It's been 6 years. I hardly think about it now. And oddly wouldn't care anymore if he cheated again.

[Anonymous]

OW here -

Wife called but hung up when I answered. I initially didn't know who it was but did a reverse phone look up and discovered it was her. At that point, I was way out of the scene. Hadn't talked with her DH in over 3 months. What ever possessed her to call, I don't know. If she wanted to know details, I would have told her anything she wanted to know. Since she hung up though, I have respected her wishes not to talk to me. I do regret what happened and don't want any contact with her DH in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. That woman didn't make vows to you.

+1

ITA! Why wouldn't you confront your dh? She isn't married, its your problem not hers...

I did confront my dh. He insists they are "just friends" but they've crossed a line in talking about sex with each other. He says he has shown integrity - I figure this means bc they haven't had sex (yet).

I texted my husband's co worker whom he was texting regularly sometimes with sexual content.I was civil enough to ask her what was going on between them.I used my husband's phone so she would answer.She denies everything.My husband was furious and said to fix myself first before fixing his texts.After that he changed his tone and said his co worker isjust aggressive or just want to kid with each other.and they are professional,with college degrees.He said this because I told him she is a slut because she knows he is married but still does this.He was defending her.Afetr a few weeks I saw texts between them 3 days in a row .she jokingly invited him for coffee and then said "your wife might get mad".im so hurt with all of this.i told him that he seems to be having fun with the texts,but have been distant to me,and this makes me insecure.he locked his phone from then on.i told him this is an emotional affair. He said that some people clicks better than others.he told me i cannot blame anybody but me because I gained weight and not taking care of myself.Every minute for me is a struggle.I feel so hurt.At times I push this out of my mind but it is hard.It is an emotional roller coaster.I'm afraid I will get sick from high blood pressure from all of these.He dismisses having couples therapy.Its hard to leave because we have small kids.Thanks to the administrators and to all people in this forum for helping me vent my feelings and for guidance.