Extreme resentment over mental load

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP's angst is about Christmas and getting ready, there is an expression, "Tradition is the tyranny of fixed expectations."

I think that OP’s angst is that her husband expects her to do all of these things, but he doesn’t explicitly say it. So she is left wondering how this got to be her job.

It’s kind of wild that so many people are telling her to just accept that it’s her job, calling her whiny, and giving her tips on how to be more efficient.

Her husband does jobs when asked. What difference does it make what he "doesn't explicitly say". She asks for a tree, he provides tree.

I swear some of you are determined to manufacture problems out of nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see things much with friends. The purposeful and malicious incompetence is demoralizing. It's really hard to know what a guy will be like when kids come too. There are a few tells and flags but it's never for sure.

+1. Also, 25 years ago this wasn't really a topic of discussion.

OP, I think the answer is to set your standards for yourself lower and do less. I did with Thanksgiving. Turkey is deep fried by husband and sides are from Whole Foods. Everyone is pretty happy with that.

Christmas is a different story but after almost no help this year with any piece of decorating and gift buying and the rest I will be re-thinking that too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP's angst is about Christmas and getting ready, there is an expression, "Tradition is the tyranny of fixed expectations."

I think that OP’s angst is that her husband expects her to do all of these things, but he doesn’t explicitly say it. So she is left wondering how this got to be her job.

It’s kind of wild that so many people are telling her to just accept that it’s her job, calling her whiny, and giving her tips on how to be more efficient.

Her husband does jobs when asked. What difference does it make what he "doesn't explicitly say". She asks for a tree, he provides tree.

I swear some of you are determined to manufacture problems out of nothing.

Why does he need to be asked? He's an adult. OP is not the project manager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can be free of the resentment whenever you choose to put it down.

I am the superior parent. Without my spouse, the kids would be okay. They have me. Without me, the kids are FOOKED. I win. I take pride in it. I don't sit and stew about how their other parent could never. I pat myself on the back because I can, and I did. If you're better with the mental load, GOOD FOR YOU.

Nobody can take advantage of your mental labor without your consent. You either need to restructure your household or reframe your mentality. The latter is always within your control.

I love this reframing of this PP.

Thanks! It also stops me from feeling guilty for "asking my partner to help". I do enough, and I deserve time off.

To the pp who says it's terrible, and there are no 'winners', sure, sure. But a little friendly competition tends to increase performance across the board. Maybe instead of making excuses for crap behavior, it could inspire a spouse to do more. If it doesn't work for you, that's fine. Go stew in your resentments. Not my life, not my problem. :mrgreen:

Farming it competitively like that just creates an awful dynamic for kids. You do you, though. It doesn't really sound "friendly", no matter how you try to reframe it.

You're really upset about it, which means you should probably look at why another person's take got under your skin this way. Stewing in your resentments isn't good for the kids either. Whatever you choose, you need to find a way to make it work. Good luck.

Not upset at all lol. Why do you keep insisting? Afraid of a little pushback? Sounds like you are the one with some issues to work through.

Lil buddy, I'm good. You keep responding at me instead of responding to the point. I'm gonna let you do that. Best of luck with it, random anon who doesn't know me at all.

Mhmm, but you clearly know me. Post foolishness; get pushback. That's how forums work.

Okay, hon. *shrug*

Do you know how stupid you look every time you type *shrug*? Just wondering, because it seems like you don’t.

NP

Don't care what you think, but do you know how triggered you look every time you take an anon's comment personally and make your whole response to the thread about that person? Because your ass is on display (again). Thought you should know. Not my circus, not my clown tho... *shrug*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God, someone makes this exact post every week. It’s so tiresome and repetitive.

This really is a spouse selection issue. The reality is that very few women who complain about husbands not doing housework or carrying mental load prioritized these characteristics when dating.

A few may have been duped by misleading men, but the reality is that the others were too busy focusing on 6-6-6 criteria and now are crying because their man doesn’t want to do laundry when he never did it before marriage either.

What I find tiresome is someone posting this exact rant like 20 times on each of these threads and not giving a sh*t when people explain that was not the case at all, because they enjoy congratulating themselves for being lucky way too much. God do you really not have anything better to do with all your free time that your perfect husband makes available to you?

Agreed. Wealthy people have too much time and not enough sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP's angst is about Christmas and getting ready, there is an expression, "Tradition is the tyranny of fixed expectations."

I think that OP’s angst is that her husband expects her to do all of these things, but he doesn’t explicitly say it. So she is left wondering how this got to be her job.

It’s kind of wild that so many people are telling her to just accept that it’s her job, calling her whiny, and giving her tips on how to be more efficient.

It's kind of wild that she made it her job when nobody asked and now she's resentful at someone who didn't ask her to do half the shit she's so burned out from doing. She needs to stop wondering how this got to be her job. She made it her job. People are mostly telling her to quit and she's not doing that, which means she continues to be complicit in her own unhappiness, and whining about it.

If you don't want feedback you might not like, don't post your drama on the open internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP's angst is about Christmas and getting ready, there is an expression, "Tradition is the tyranny of fixed expectations."

I think that OP’s angst is that her husband expects her to do all of these things, but he doesn’t explicitly say it. So she is left wondering how this got to be her job.

It’s kind of wild that so many people are telling her to just accept that it’s her job, calling her whiny, and giving her tips on how to be more efficient.

Her husband does jobs when asked. What difference does it make what he "doesn't explicitly say". She asks for a tree, he provides tree.

I swear some of you are determined to manufacture problems out of nothing.

Welcome to DCUM! You must be new here...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP's angst is about Christmas and getting ready, there is an expression, "Tradition is the tyranny of fixed expectations."

I think that OP’s angst is that her husband expects her to do all of these things, but he doesn’t explicitly say it. So she is left wondering how this got to be her job.

It’s kind of wild that so many people are telling her to just accept that it’s her job, calling her whiny, and giving her tips on how to be more efficient.

Her husband does jobs when asked. What difference does it make what he "doesn't explicitly say". She asks for a tree, he provides tree.

I swear some of you are determined to manufacture problems out of nothing.

Why does he need to be asked? He's an adult. OP is not the project manager.

Because OP wants it done and doesn't want to do it. It's not his expectation, it's hers. Therefore, she's responsible for asking for what she wants/needs. He can leave it undone and be totally happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP's angst is about Christmas and getting ready, there is an expression, "Tradition is the tyranny of fixed expectations."

I think that OP’s angst is that her husband expects her to do all of these things, but he doesn’t explicitly say it. So she is left wondering how this got to be her job.

It’s kind of wild that so many people are telling her to just accept that it’s her job, calling her whiny, and giving her tips on how to be more efficient.

Her husband does jobs when asked. What difference does it make what he "doesn't explicitly say". She asks for a tree, he provides tree.

I swear some of you are determined to manufacture problems out of nothing.

Why does he need to be asked? He's an adult. OP is not the project manager.

Seriously, why doesn’t that loser just read her mind?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP's angst is about Christmas and getting ready, there is an expression, "Tradition is the tyranny of fixed expectations."

I think that OP’s angst is that her husband expects her to do all of these things, but he doesn’t explicitly say it. So she is left wondering how this got to be her job.

It’s kind of wild that so many people are telling her to just accept that it’s her job, calling her whiny, and giving her tips on how to be more efficient.

It's kind of wild that she made it her job when nobody asked and now she's resentful at someone who didn't ask her to do half the shit she's so burned out from doing. She needs to stop wondering how this got to be her job. She made it her job. People are mostly telling her to quit and she's not doing that, which means she continues to be complicit in her own unhappiness, and whining about it.

If you don't want feedback you might not like, don't post your drama on the open internet.

+1

I suck at buying gifts, so somewhere along the way my DH made that HIS job. He asks me to wrap them, which I do. He also asks me to do the stockings, which I do. He doesn’t act like a martyr. If he didn’t get the presents one year, of course I would figure it out and do it, but it wouldn’t be as good as when he does it. Not because I’m being purposely incompetent- but because I’m being genuinely incompetent.

FWIW we have zero drama over this arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP's angst is about Christmas and getting ready, there is an expression, "Tradition is the tyranny of fixed expectations."

I think that OP’s angst is that her husband expects her to do all of these things, but he doesn’t explicitly say it. So she is left wondering how this got to be her job.

It’s kind of wild that so many people are telling her to just accept that it’s her job, calling her whiny, and giving her tips on how to be more efficient.

Her husband does jobs when asked. What difference does it make what he "doesn't explicitly say". She asks for a tree, he provides tree.

I swear some of you are determined to manufacture problems out of nothing.

Why does he need to be asked? He's an adult. OP is not the project manager.

We don’t know. We don’t know if a conversation was had to delegate this. We don’t know if he would accept. We don’t know if OP will accept his decision making.

We do know OP could delegate more tasks to offset the PM role. You can choose this, or you can choose extreme resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP's angst is about Christmas and getting ready, there is an expression, "Tradition is the tyranny of fixed expectations."

I think that OP’s angst is that her husband expects her to do all of these things, but he doesn’t explicitly say it. So she is left wondering how this got to be her job.

It’s kind of wild that so many people are telling her to just accept that it’s her job, calling her whiny, and giving her tips on how to be more efficient.

It's kind of wild that she made it her job when nobody asked and now she's resentful at someone who didn't ask her to do half the shit she's so burned out from doing. She needs to stop wondering how this got to be her job. She made it her job. People are mostly telling her to quit and she's not doing that, which means she continues to be complicit in her own unhappiness, and whining about it.

If you don't want feedback you might not like, don't post your drama on the open internet.

+1

I suck at buying gifts, so somewhere along the way my DH made that HIS job. He asks me to wrap them, which I do. He also asks me to do the stockings, which I do. He doesn’t act like a martyr. If he didn’t get the presents one year, of course I would figure it out and do it, but it wouldn’t be as good as when he does it. Not because I’m being purposely incompetent- but because I’m being genuinely incompetent.

FWIW we have zero drama over this arrangement.

+1

At least some of the people reporting mental load issues are resentment addicted. They will accept no reasonable solution to remove that needle from their vein.

This cant be most people. But some I think is very likely the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a rant my DW would write but what she wouldn’t include is that I take care of our kids while she travels for work without issue and without help at home; pull in 500k per year and am an active parent and participant in the marriage. She also won’t tell you that she has a good sex life and her husband doesn’t drink or use drugs. She’s just pissed off that she has to work and also is the default parent.

Pp you aren't a credible witness...

I mean - isn't it legit to be pissed off if you are the default parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP's angst is about Christmas and getting ready, there is an expression, "Tradition is the tyranny of fixed expectations."

I think that OP’s angst is that her husband expects her to do all of these things, but he doesn’t explicitly say it. So she is left wondering how this got to be her job.

It’s kind of wild that so many people are telling her to just accept that it’s her job, calling her whiny, and giving her tips on how to be more efficient.

Her husband does jobs when asked. What difference does it make what he "doesn't explicitly say". She asks for a tree, he provides tree.

I swear some of you are determined to manufacture problems out of nothing.

Why does he need to be asked? He's an adult. OP is not the project manager.

Seriously, why doesn’t that loser just read her mind?

DP

It’s reasonable to expect a parent to be able to plan a Christmas for children of a certain age. If he can execute, it’s possible if he was a single father he could plan something that wouldn’t be considered neglect.

Whether OP would accept this is an open question. Has she fantasized about being a mom during Christmas and doing mom things like shopping for wrapping paper and wrapping gifts and making homemade advent calendars?

Would the husbands plan absent these things be acceptable? I doubt he wants to shop for wrapping paper. He’d have the gifts shipped wrapped.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.