Extreme resentment over mental load

[Anonymous]

If OP's angst is about Christmas and getting ready, there is an expression, "Tradition is the tyranny of fixed expectations."

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Women in your life who love you warned you, gave you the truth.

Are you in a non-consensual or arranged marriage?

OP has done pretty well in her choice of DH compared to a lot of women. I bet many women who love her cannot even get their DHs to do what hers does.

Because the standard for men is that low.

It sure is. My damn ex husband texted to ask me what pharmacy to send our teens medicine to today. Like what the hell…..I used to take care of everything and let him live in helplessness. Now I ignore the text or reply and tell him in so many words to figure it out. Was so much worse when married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If OP's angst is about Christmas and getting ready, there is an expression, "Tradition is the tyranny of fixed expectations."

+1

Great expression.

[Anonymous]

I went through an exercise mentally of what was important to me, what was important to the kids and what absolutely had to get done. It was illuminating to me. I take full responsibility for what is important to me, we talked a lot about what was important to the kids and how to split and I offloaded a TON of things that needed to get done. I rinsed my hands of so many things that weren’t important to me.

But it takes a lot of maturity and lack of defensiveness to have this kind of conversation- but totally worth it on my end. I feel much less pressure from the mental load because I kept the things that were important to me and divvied up the others.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Change you expectations or just get a divorce

OP here. Meaning accept I am solely responsible for the mental load?

Yes. Or lighten your load. Go out to eat for Christmas. Get a conman to hang your lights. Buy gifts for your side of the family only. Whatever works for you

Company not conman lol!

That’s in the Top 5 of DCUM typos I’ve ever seen. 😀

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him?

I wanted someone to take care of me financially, so I don’t have to worry. But did not think he would want me to also take care of non financial items

Ugh, why are there SO MANY TROLLS out here today?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You can be free of the resentment whenever you choose to put it down.

I am the superior parent. Without my spouse, the kids would be okay. They have me. Without me, the kids are FOOKED. I win. I take pride in it. I don't sit and stew about how their other parent could never. I pat myself on the back because I can, and I did. If you're better with the mental load, GOOD FOR YOU.

Nobody can take advantage of your mental labor without your consent. You either need to restructure your household or reframe your mentality. The latter is always within your control.

I love this reframing of this PP.

Thanks! It also stops me from feeling guilty for "asking my partner to help". I do enough, and I deserve time off.

To the pp who says it's terrible, and there are no 'winners', sure, sure. But a little friendly competition tends to increase performance across the board. Maybe instead of making excuses for crap behavior, it could inspire a spouse to do more. If it doesn't work for you, that's fine. Go stew in your resentments. Not my life, not my problem. :mrgreen:

Farming it competitively like that just creates an awful dynamic for kids. You do you, though. It doesn't really sound "friendly", no matter how you try to reframe it.

You're really upset about it, which means you should probably look at why another person's take got under your skin this way. Stewing in your resentments isn't good for the kids either. Whatever you choose, you need to find a way to make it work. Good luck.

Not upset at all lol. Why do you keep insisting? Afraid of a little pushback? Sounds like you are the one with some issues to work through.

Lil buddy, I'm good. You keep responding at me instead of responding to the point. I'm gonna let you do that. Best of luck with it, random anon who doesn't know me at all.

Mhmm, but you clearly know me. Post foolishness; get pushback. That's how forums work.

Okay, hon. *shrug*

Do you know how stupid you look every time you type *shrug*? Just wondering, because it seems like you don’t.

NP

[Anonymous]

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Then men whine about the things that aren’t done.

I gave up the big Christmas dinner and you’d think I’d sent the dog upstate the way my husband whined. (The kids loved having pancakes and cocoa and smores by the fireplace.)

Women can’t win.

So let him whine.

If whining is dictating your behavior, set a boundary for yourself.

Yes but where women lose out is that we care about our children. Most women won’t accept our kids not receiving gifts on Christmas or not having wrapped presents. We sacrifice ourselves to take care of our children.

Kids don't care about elaborate dinners. Buy cheap decor and lighting from Amazon, buy matching PJ'S from Amazon and make them pancakes and smores. Viola!

Cello! 🙄

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Women in your life who love you warned you, gave you the truth.

Are you in a non-consensual or arranged marriage?

OP has done pretty well in her choice of DH compared to a lot of women. I bet many women who love her cannot even get their DHs to do what hers does.

Because the standard for men is that low.

The year that I literally made a list of holiday tasks and asked my husband which half of them he was going to take on. "How do you see your role in this holiday?" I asked, and he said he saw himself eating Christmas dinner. That was his role. Can you even ^&&*(( imagine?

I chuckled. You should be grateful you have a funny husband!

🙄

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Absolutely obsessed with these people who assume the woman resentful of the mental load must be a SAHM or has some sort of “for fun” job. I know moms in hetero marriages who are the default parent and household manager and make double what the husband makes.

Statistically these cases are rare as you are well aware.

Maybe making double is rare. Women working full-time with kids along with their husbands is not. In fact, in 45% of marriages, the wife earns the same or more.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/

+1

I make almost 3 times what my husband does, and I know a number of other women in a similar position. We are all the default parents and carry the majority of the mental load.

So stop.

And neglect the children? Yeah, great solution.

I stopped cooking and my husband looked like a deer in the headlights at first but then he started scrambling. First he ordered take out, then bought prepared meals at Whole Foods, and now he’s getting the meal boxes with ingredients that he cooks. No, my kids weren’t neglected. And, it turns out, he could and would cook if I stopped cooking. I did the same thing with Summer camps: told him in December that I was no longer in charge of securing Summer camps, let him know if he didn’t have a plan for the kids by early January, we’d be screwed. Lo and be hold he got it done and is now on Year 3 of being Summer camp organizer. I no longer think about it…well except for now while writing this. Some things will go awry, it will be ugly sometimes but it’s worth it.

PPs aren’t suggesting shifting the load to their husbands. They’re suggesting abandoning key work—like finding summer camps—altogether, insisting it isn’t actually necessary and that these women’s stressors are all in their heads.

Summer camp isn't key work. It's not that the problem is all in your head, it's that the problem is your attachment to unnecessary things.

Are you offering to provide childcare for me each summer? I didn't think so.

STAHHHHP. Planning your cobbled care for the summer is a minor task, as is hitting refresh a hundred times in one week in January and making sure your registrations get done. I've done this, so don't swing at me like I don't know exactly what sort of labor this is. It's a minor once-a-year task that gets easier as your kid ages. Stop acting like you do this every damned day because you obviously don't. If your kid needs care, this is literally your job. Do it and STFU about it.

Why isn't it BOTH parents' jobs?

Why do you need two adults to register a kid for summer activities? It's not that big a deal! Y'all act like you want medal for hitting refresh a few times and spending money online. If you need to put your kid in care to go to work, this is your responsibility. If your spouse also needs this care to work, it could just as easily be their responsibility. it's a minor responsibility, but if you need to have a discussion to delegate, go ahead. Personally, I would just do the damned thing and be done with it because it's really not a big thing to do.

Want a cookie?

Take Summer camp and multiply it by thousands of tasks a year and then multiply it by 18 years. The fact that you can’t see that tells me you are either math deficient, superwoman, or purposely being obtuse to make other womem feel like crap. Here’s your cookie.

I'm a single mom. I do all this shit alone, and it's not that big a deal. You're a whiner. Grow up.

You seem like you’re doing a great job LMAO

Coddling other mothers' grown-ass children isn't my job, sweetie. Call your mama about it.

Oops. You lose.

[Anonymous]

I think if you ask him to do things and he does, that’s pretty good. You can ask him to do more than 50 percent of the things to make up for the time you spend planning and arranging things. Seems fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God, someone makes this exact post every week. It’s so tiresome and repetitive.

This really is a spouse selection issue. The reality is that very few women who complain about husbands not doing housework or carrying mental load prioritized these characteristics when dating.

A few may have been duped by misleading men, but the reality is that the others were too busy focusing on 6-6-6 criteria and now are crying because their man doesn’t want to do laundry when he never did it before marriage either.

What I find tiresome is someone posting this exact rant like 20 times on each of these threads and not giving a sh*t when people explain that was not the case at all, because they enjoy congratulating themselves for being lucky way too much. God do you really not have anything better to do with all your free time that your perfect husband makes available to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you ask him to do things and he does, that’s pretty good. You can ask him to do more than 50 percent of the things to make up for the time you spend planning and arranging things. Seems fair. F

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If OP's angst is about Christmas and getting ready, there is an expression, "Tradition is the tyranny of fixed expectations."

I think that OP’s angst is that her husband expects her to do all of these things, but he doesn’t explicitly say it. So she is left wondering how this got to be her job.

It’s kind of wild that so many people are telling her to just accept that it’s her job, calling her whiny, and giving her tips on how to be more efficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you ask him to do things and he does, that’s pretty good. You can ask him to do more than 50 percent of the things to make up for the time you spend planning and arranging things. Seems fair.

This.

Pretty simple solution for someone identifying with OPs situation.