Extreme resentment over mental load

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

He’s probably bewildered that you think any of that BS is actually worth doing, let alone delegating.

I’m not writing thank you notes to teachers (I don’t give them gifts either). I don’t make photo albums for grandparents. If my DH felt any of that was important he’s free to take the lead on that - otherwise it’s not getting done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

Self imposed expectations seem to be at least part of the issue in a lot of these situations.

Just relax, take a deep breath.

None of the stuff you mentioned is critical. If you are doing things like writing thank you cards and making photo albums it should be done out of love. If you don’t love doing it, if it makes u cranky then just stop. I haven’t written thank you notes to any of my kids coaches and it seems fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

He’s probably bewildered that you think any of that BS is actually worth doing, let alone delegating.

I’m not writing thank you notes to teachers (I don’t give them gifts either). I don’t make photo albums for grandparents. If my DH felt any of that was important he’s free to take the lead on that - otherwise it’s not getting done.

But here’s what he doesn’t get - it affects your kids. Even if it shouldn’t.

The teachers may find out who didn’t contribute. They will know if they don’t receive a gift from your family. They may think you aren’t good for it or don’t care, which means they could treat your child differently.

Then there are the PTA moms or whoever is doing the class gift and they also could judge and it could affect your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

Self imposed expectations seem to be at least part of the issue in a lot of these situations.

Just relax, take a deep breath.

None of the stuff you mentioned is critical. If you are doing things like writing thank you cards and making photo albums it should be done out of love. If you don’t love doing it, if it makes u cranky then just stop. I haven’t written thank you notes to any of my kids coaches and it seems fine.

Depends on what your standards are and how you grew up.

If you grew up in an UMC household with educated and successful parents then yes, you do things like buy teachers a Christmas gift, put up a tree, presents in stockings etc. That is the bare minimum. There is a laundry list of things successful adults in America do that aren’t really critical. Like investing in a 529, annual skin checks, proper clothing for kids, annual ski and beach vacations, etc. I am sure people living in trailer parks aren’t worried about a teacher gift and don’t have 529 accounts.

If your husband also grew up this way then he too expects these things. The problem is that women are expected to work and held to a similar standard financially, but are also expected to do all of the things necessary to maintain a household and live an UMC life.

[Anonymous]

I promise your teacher isn’t judging who gave her a gift and isn’t going to find out who contributed to the class gift. And the mom collecting for the gift would be a jerk if she did. I have both been the collecting mom and the mom who forgot to contribute. It’s fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

Self imposed expectations seem to be at least part of the issue in a lot of these situations.

Just relax, take a deep breath.

None of the stuff you mentioned is critical. If you are doing things like writing thank you cards and making photo albums it should be done out of love. If you don’t love doing it, if it makes u cranky then just stop. I haven’t written thank you notes to any of my kids coaches and it seems fine.

Depends on what your standards are and how you grew up.

If you grew up in an UMC household with educated and successful parents then yes, you do things like buy teachers a Christmas gift, put up a tree, presents in stockings etc. That is the bare minimum. There is a laundry list of things successful adults in America do that aren’t really critical. Like investing in a 529, annual skin checks, proper clothing for kids, annual ski and beach vacations, etc. I am sure people living in trailer parks aren’t worried about a teacher gift and don’t have 529 accounts.

If your husband also grew up this way then he too expects these things. The problem is that women are expected to work and held to a similar standard financially, but are also expected to do all of the things necessary to maintain a household and live an UMC life.

lol you are so disrespectful it’s insane you are on here talking about standards. Apparently your family taught you about thank you notes but obviously not about respecting others (even those in trailer parks who can’t do annual ski vacations). Gross. Its so crazy people think they are the example of success but they lack the most elements of respect. Oh well, that’s rich folks for ya.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

Self imposed expectations seem to be at least part of the issue in a lot of these situations.

Just relax, take a deep breath.

None of the stuff you mentioned is critical. If you are doing things like writing thank you cards and making photo albums it should be done out of love. If you don’t love doing it, if it makes u cranky then just stop. I haven’t written thank you notes to any of my kids coaches and it seems fine.

Depends on what your standards are and how you grew up.

If you grew up in an UMC household with educated and successful parents then yes, you do things like buy teachers a Christmas gift, put up a tree, presents in stockings etc. That is the bare minimum. There is a laundry list of things successful adults in America do that aren’t really critical. Like investing in a 529, annual skin checks, proper clothing for kids, annual ski and beach vacations, etc. I am sure people living in trailer parks aren’t worried about a teacher gift and don’t have 529 accounts.

If your husband also grew up this way then he too expects these things. The problem is that women are expected to work and held to a similar standard financially, but are also expected to do all of the things necessary to maintain a household and live an UMC life.

No, many of the things you list are not necessary for success, and believing they are creates a ridiculous amount of stress (and far emptier bank accounts).

Regardless, if you’re fighting with your spouse with extreme resentment over who will take the time to get your kids groceries (especially due to the strain of your “mental load,” as OP is), it’s time to pare way back. This is not a standards issue—it’s a sign of that person having lost the plot.

[Anonymous]

I actually have a colleague who lost his wife when his kids were young and despite being highly educated and successful at his job was completely unable to cope as a single dad. CPS got involved. It was really sad. It does make me wonder. Some of these men are perhaps not pretending to be incompetent. They actually are incompetent apparently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

Self imposed expectations seem to be at least part of the issue in a lot of these situations.

Just relax, take a deep breath.

None of the stuff you mentioned is critical. If you are doing things like writing thank you cards and making photo albums it should be done out of love. If you don’t love doing it, if it makes u cranky then just stop. I haven’t written thank you notes to any of my kids coaches and it seems fine.

Depends on what your standards are and how you grew up.

If you grew up in an UMC household with educated and successful parents then yes, you do things like buy teachers a Christmas gift, put up a tree, presents in stockings etc. That is the bare minimum. There is a laundry list of things successful adults in America do that aren’t really critical. Like investing in a 529, annual skin checks, proper clothing for kids, annual ski and beach vacations, etc. I am sure people living in trailer parks aren’t worried about a teacher gift and don’t have 529 accounts.

If your husband also grew up this way then he too expects these things. The problem is that women are expected to work and held to a similar standard financially, but are also expected to do all of the things necessary to maintain a household and live an UMC life.

So you grew up in a household where women were treated like slaves yet you decided that this is wonderful for the family you are creating because ... UMC? Yuck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

He’s probably bewildered that you think any of that BS is actually worth doing, let alone delegating.

I’m not writing thank you notes to teachers (I don’t give them gifts either). I don’t make photo albums for grandparents. If my DH felt any of that was important he’s free to take the lead on that - otherwise it’s not getting done.

But here’s what he doesn’t get - it affects your kids. Even if it shouldn’t.

The teachers may find out who didn’t contribute. They will know if they don’t receive a gift from your family. They may think you aren’t good for it or don’t care, which means they could treat your child differently.

Then there are the PTA moms or whoever is doing the class gift and they also could judge and it could affect your child.

Oh no! Not judgement from PTA mommies! Whatever will I do without their approval!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually have a colleague who lost his wife when his kids were young and despite being highly educated and successful at his job was completely unable to cope as a single dad. CPS got involved. It was really sad. It does make me wonder. Some of these men are perhaps not pretending to be incompetent. They actually are incompetent apparently.

What was it that prompted CPS? Was it the teachers calling in when he didn’t send thank you cards?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually have a colleague who lost his wife when his kids were young and despite being highly educated and successful at his job was completely unable to cope as a single dad. CPS got involved. It was really sad. It does make me wonder. Some of these men are perhaps not pretending to be incompetent. They actually are incompetent apparently.

What was it that prompted CPS? Was it the teachers calling in when he didn’t send thank you cards?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

Self imposed expectations seem to be at least part of the issue in a lot of these situations.

Just relax, take a deep breath.

None of the stuff you mentioned is critical. If you are doing things like writing thank you cards and making photo albums it should be done out of love. If you don’t love doing it, if it makes u cranky then just stop. I haven’t written thank you notes to any of my kids coaches and it seems fine.

Depends on what your standards are and how you grew up.

If you grew up in an UMC household with educated and successful parents then yes, you do things like buy teachers a Christmas gift, put up a tree, presents in stockings etc. That is the bare minimum. There is a laundry list of things successful adults in America do that aren’t really critical. Like investing in a 529, annual skin checks, proper clothing for kids, annual ski and beach vacations, etc. I am sure people living in trailer parks aren’t worried about a teacher gift and don’t have 529 accounts.

If your husband also grew up this way then he too expects these things. The problem is that women are expected to work and held to a similar standard financially, but are also expected to do all of the things necessary to maintain a household and live an UMC life.

You know, grown-ass adults can have conversations about their expectations. It's not only possible, it's considered the default with mature people. Have a chat with your spouse about your collective holiday expectations, make a list, check it twice, delegate and stop whining.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Absolutely obsessed with these people who assume the woman resentful of the mental load must be a SAHM or has some sort of “for fun” job. I know moms in hetero marriages who are the default parent and household manager and make double what the husband makes.

Statistically these cases are rare as you are well aware.

Maybe making double is rare. Women working full-time with kids along with their husbands is not. In fact, in 45% of marriages, the wife earns the same or more.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/

+1

I make almost 3 times what my husband does, and I know a number of other women in a similar position. We are all the default parents and carry the majority of the mental load.

So stop.

And neglect the children? Yeah, great solution.

I stopped cooking and my husband looked like a deer in the headlights at first but then he started scrambling. First he ordered take out, then bought prepared meals at Whole Foods, and now he’s getting the meal boxes with ingredients that he cooks. No, my kids weren’t neglected. And, it turns out, he could and would cook if I stopped cooking. I did the same thing with Summer camps: told him in December that I was no longer in charge of securing Summer camps, let him know if he didn’t have a plan for the kids by early January, we’d be screwed. Lo and be hold he got it done and is now on Year 3 of being Summer camp organizer. I no longer think about it…well except for now while writing this. Some things will go awry, it will be ugly sometimes but it’s worth it.

PPs aren’t suggesting shifting the load to their husbands. They’re suggesting abandoning key work—like finding summer camps—altogether, insisting it isn’t actually necessary and that these women’s stressors are all in their heads.

Summer camp isn't key work. It's not that the problem is all in your head, it's that the problem is your attachment to unnecessary things.

Are you offering to provide childcare for me each summer? I didn't think so.

STAHHHHP. Planning your cobbled care for the summer is a minor task, as is hitting refresh a hundred times in one week in January and making sure your registrations get done. I've done this, so don't swing at me like I don't know exactly what sort of labor this is. It's a minor once-a-year task that gets easier as your kid ages. Stop acting like you do this every damned day because you obviously don't. If your kid needs care, this is literally your job. Do it and STFU about it.

Why isn't it BOTH parents' jobs?

Why do you need two adults to register a kid for summer activities? It's not that big a deal! Y'all act like you want medal for hitting refresh a few times and spending money online. If you need to put your kid in care to go to work, this is your responsibility. If your spouse also needs this care to work, it could just as easily be their responsibility. it's a minor responsibility, but if you need to have a discussion to delegate, go ahead. Personally, I would just do the damned thing and be done with it because it's really not a big thing to do.

Want a cookie?

Take Summer camp and multiply it by thousands of tasks a year and then multiply it by 18 years. The fact that you can’t see that tells me you are either math deficient, superwoman, or purposely being obtuse to make other womem feel like crap. Here’s your cookie.

DP. My youngest kid is in HS and I am the breadwinner. It’s just not the big deal you make it out to be. I’ve gotten jabs on this board before for saying it but we often don’t acknowledge that some women have terrible executive function and inability to prioritize. I can hardly believe someone who would rather waste her time on the internet to tell us she is overloaded from her basic life functions than attend to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him?

I wanted someone to take care of me financially, so I don’t have to worry. But did not think he would want me to also take care of non financial items

Ugh, why are there SO MANY TROLLS out here today?

What’s a troll? Someone who calls you on you sh*t?