What happens to the "dud" husbands after divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know two "dud" husbands. One became a dud as a way to poorly deal with his wife's nagging and controlling behavior (the behavior I witnessed was borderline emotional abuse). I think he shut down. When he finally divorced her, he slowly went back to his normal self and wasn't a dud anymore.

The other one was a dud from the start. He managed to find someone else who would put up with his behavior after the divorce. She's nice but has zero self esteem and I think that's why he gets away with being a dud.

So what you’re really saying is, it’s all the women’s fault. They are too demanding. Or not demanding enough. Got it.

Well the first example was her fault. I mean, sure he could have handled it better, but she was the cause. And no, the second example is not saying that it's her fault for him being a dud. I'm saying her lack of self esteem is what causes her to put up with him. No one with any self respect would be married to someone like him.

[Anonymous]

Beer , beer, and more beer 🍻

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know two "dud" husbands. One became a dud as a way to poorly deal with his wife's nagging and controlling behavior (the behavior I witnessed was borderline emotional abuse). I think he shut down. When he finally divorced her, he slowly went back to his normal self and wasn't a dud anymore.

The other one was a dud from the start. He managed to find someone else who would put up with his behavior after the divorce. She's nice but has zero self esteem and I think that's why he gets away with being a dud.

So what you’re really saying is, it’s all the women’s fault. They are too demanding. Or not demanding enough. Got it.

Well the first example was her fault. I mean, sure he could have handled it better, but she was the cause. And no, the second example is not saying that it's her fault for him being a dud. I'm saying her lack of self esteem is what causes her to put up with him. No one with any self respect would be married to someone like him.

Nagging does not excuse someone from their basic responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know two "dud" husbands. One became a dud as a way to poorly deal with his wife's nagging and controlling behavior (the behavior I witnessed was borderline emotional abuse). I think he shut down. When he finally divorced her, he slowly went back to his normal self and wasn't a dud anymore.

The other one was a dud from the start. He managed to find someone else who would put up with his behavior after the divorce. She's nice but has zero self esteem and I think that's why he gets away with being a dud.

So what you’re really saying is, it’s all the women’s fault. They are too demanding. Or not demanding enough. Got it.

Well the first example was her fault. I mean, sure he could have handled it better, but she was the cause. And no, the second example is not saying that it's her fault for him being a dud. I'm saying her lack of self esteem is what causes her to put up with him. No one with any self respect would be married to someone like him.

Nagging does not excuse someone from their basic responsibilities.

What if the only effort they put into running the household is nagging?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know two "dud" husbands. One became a dud as a way to poorly deal with his wife's nagging and controlling behavior (the behavior I witnessed was borderline emotional abuse). I think he shut down. When he finally divorced her, he slowly went back to his normal self and wasn't a dud anymore.

The other one was a dud from the start. He managed to find someone else who would put up with his behavior after the divorce. She's nice but has zero self esteem and I think that's why he gets away with being a dud.

So what you’re really saying is, it’s all the women’s fault. They are too demanding. Or not demanding enough. Got it.

Well the first example was her fault. I mean, sure he could have handled it better, but she was the cause. And no, the second example is not saying that it's her fault for him being a dud. I'm saying her lack of self esteem is what causes her to put up with him. No one with any self respect would be married to someone like him.

Nagging does not excuse someone from their basic responsibilities.

What if the only effort they put into running the household is nagging?

Nagging isn't the reason somebody becomes a dud. You could just as easily say the dud caused the partner to start nagging.

Everybody is responsible for their own behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. They wake up and learn how to be an adult because they have to
2. They have a mom who swoops in and “helps” them with their 50% custody obligations
3. They muddle through and do an ok job with their 50%, but the ex-wife still buys clothes and school supplies, schedules camp and dentist appointments, sets up activities and coordinates car pool because she doesn’t want the kids to suffer because of his poor planning.
4. They marry someone younger who doesn’t know any better and she takes on the fun project of being a bonus mom, at least until she has her own baby.
5. They marry someone their own age whose ex was even more of a bum and thinks they hit the jackpot. Bonus if she has her own kids and just takes on the mental load of managing a blended family.

What is in bold is 100% correct.

If dad is paying child support and the bulk of the expenses, yes she should be doing those things.

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a non-celebrity child support payment that actually amounted to the “bulk of the expenses” for the children which I would define as 66% or more.

It really varies. Some get nothing and some get large sums and a mix in between. But, if you have custody and get child support you should do it all as you choose that.

What? If you’re a parent you should do the work of childcare. You should not sign away 100% custody and you’re almost certainly not paying 100% of the kids’ expenses.

Not all men have the money to fight for shared custody in court. If your ex does not work, yes you are.

So these men can’t afford to fight for shared custody yet are paying the bulk of expenses? Please explain how that works.

What is there not to get? If they pay child support, alimony and everything on top, how much do uyou think is left, especially if they are not huge income. Plus, they have to pay for their own housing. It’s easy to say fight but it costs a lot of money and the mom screams abuse and he has to prove he did not abuse which is near impossible vs her prove the abuse.

So the *woman* somehow made enough money to drag the guy to court, get awarded alimony and child support, but somehow doesn’t make any money, so is awarded alimony and such huge amounts of child support that the guy couldn’t hire an attorney. And magically he somehow had to pay for all this child support and alimony BEFORE being ordered to in court, so he couldn’t afford an attorney. And somehow, during all this time of the wife dragging the husband into court to get all this money, custody was never addressed. The poor guy couldn’t just say “excuse me judge, I would like 50-50 custody”. Nope, everyone just screamed at him to pay up.

Dang, you must be pretty flexible to twist yourself into these logic pretzels.

Have you ever actually been through a divorce? I have. I was a SAHM with a wealthy husband. Did I get alimony? Nope. Does child support even come close to covering my bills? Nope. Did my xH get 50-50 custody, even though he was abusive and did things like threaten to kill me in front of our DC? Yep.

I’ve known many women who had abusive husbands, and they all got 50-50 custody if they wanted it. Many didn’t, because they didn’t want to deal with kids. If you don’t have 50-50, it’s because you chose not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Statistically, they die. Some very young.

True for me. We divorced in September 2015, and my ex died at 44 yo in January 2018 from heart disease.

[Anonymous]

Divorce is rough, and then up and down. Then, more ups, learning who you are… both scary and great times ahead.

The unknown seems to always frighten people, and maybe should. But, it can also be great. The certainty of misery in a bad marriage, what is that? Not worse?

,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know two "dud" husbands. One became a dud as a way to poorly deal with his wife's nagging and controlling behavior (the behavior I witnessed was borderline emotional abuse). I think he shut down. When he finally divorced her, he slowly went back to his normal self and wasn't a dud anymore.

The other one was a dud from the start. He managed to find someone else who would put up with his behavior after the divorce. She's nice but has zero self esteem and I think that's why he gets away with being a dud.

So what you’re really saying is, it’s all the women’s fault. They are too demanding. Or not demanding enough. Got it.

Well the first example was her fault. I mean, sure he could have handled it better, but she was the cause. And no, the second example is not saying that it's her fault for him being a dud. I'm saying her lack of self esteem is what causes her to put up with him. No one with any self respect would be married to someone like him.

Nagging does not excuse someone from their basic responsibilities.

What if the only effort they put into running the household is nagging?

Nagging isn't the reason somebody becomes a dud. You could just as easily say the dud caused the partner to start nagging.

Everybody is responsible for their own behavior.

You know the best way to cut down on someone else’s nagging…. Is to do what you agreed to do, and do it right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know two "dud" husbands. One became a dud as a way to poorly deal with his wife's nagging and controlling behavior (the behavior I witnessed was borderline emotional abuse). I think he shut down. When he finally divorced her, he slowly went back to his normal self and wasn't a dud anymore.

The other one was a dud from the start. He managed to find someone else who would put up with his behavior after the divorce. She's nice but has zero self esteem and I think that's why he gets away with being a dud.

So what you’re really saying is, it’s all the women’s fault. They are too demanding. Or not demanding enough. Got it.

Well the first example was her fault. I mean, sure he could have handled it better, but she was the cause. And no, the second example is not saying that it's her fault for him being a dud. I'm saying her lack of self esteem is what causes her to put up with him. No one with any self respect would be married to someone like him.

Nagging does not excuse someone from their basic responsibilities.

What if the only effort they put into running the household is nagging?

Nagging isn't the reason somebody becomes a dud. You could just as easily say the dud caused the partner to start nagging.

Everybody is responsible for their own behavior.

You know the best way to cut down on someone else’s nagging…. Is to do what you agreed to do, and do it right.

Funny. Clearly you've never been married to a mentally ill woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know two "dud" husbands. One became a dud as a way to poorly deal with his wife's nagging and controlling behavior (the behavior I witnessed was borderline emotional abuse). I think he shut down. When he finally divorced her, he slowly went back to his normal self and wasn't a dud anymore.

The other one was a dud from the start. He managed to find someone else who would put up with his behavior after the divorce. She's nice but has zero self esteem and I think that's why he gets away with being a dud.

So what you’re really saying is, it’s all the women’s fault. They are too demanding. Or not demanding enough. Got it.

Well the first example was her fault. I mean, sure he could have handled it better, but she was the cause. And no, the second example is not saying that it's her fault for him being a dud. I'm saying her lack of self esteem is what causes her to put up with him. No one with any self respect would be married to someone like him.

Nagging does not excuse someone from their basic responsibilities.

What if the only effort they put into running the household is nagging?

What would they be nagging about if they don’t know anything about the household?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know two "dud" husbands. One became a dud as a way to poorly deal with his wife's nagging and controlling behavior (the behavior I witnessed was borderline emotional abuse). I think he shut down. When he finally divorced her, he slowly went back to his normal self and wasn't a dud anymore.

The other one was a dud from the start. He managed to find someone else who would put up with his behavior after the divorce. She's nice but has zero self esteem and I think that's why he gets away with being a dud.

So what you’re really saying is, it’s all the women’s fault. They are too demanding. Or not demanding enough. Got it.

Well the first example was her fault. I mean, sure he could have handled it better, but she was the cause. And no, the second example is not saying that it's her fault for him being a dud. I'm saying her lack of self esteem is what causes her to put up with him. No one with any self respect would be married to someone like him.

Nagging does not excuse someone from their basic responsibilities.

What if the only effort they put into running the household is nagging?

Nagging isn't the reason somebody becomes a dud. You could just as easily say the dud caused the partner to start nagging.

Everybody is responsible for their own behavior.

You know the best way to cut down on someone else’s nagging…. Is to do what you agreed to do, and do it right.

Funny. Clearly you've never been married to a mentally ill woman.

What was the “mentally ill” woman “nagging” about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know two "dud" husbands. One became a dud as a way to poorly deal with his wife's nagging and controlling behavior (the behavior I witnessed was borderline emotional abuse). I think he shut down. When he finally divorced her, he slowly went back to his normal self and wasn't a dud anymore.

The other one was a dud from the start. He managed to find someone else who would put up with his behavior after the divorce. She's nice but has zero self esteem and I think that's why he gets away with being a dud.

So what you’re really saying is, it’s all the women’s fault. They are too demanding. Or not demanding enough. Got it.

Well the first example was her fault. I mean, sure he could have handled it better, but she was the cause. And no, the second example is not saying that it's her fault for him being a dud. I'm saying her lack of self esteem is what causes her to put up with him. No one with any self respect would be married to someone like him.

Nagging does not excuse someone from their basic responsibilities.

What if the only effort they put into running the household is nagging?

Nagging isn't the reason somebody becomes a dud. You could just as easily say the dud caused the partner to start nagging.

Everybody is responsible for their own behavior.

You know the best way to cut down on someone else’s nagging…. Is to do what you agreed to do, and do it right.

Funny. Clearly you've never been married to a mentally ill woman.

Hm. How did you help her treat her mental illness? THat seems like a larger issue than “nagging”. This reads like the age old trope of a loser man who gets the boot then referred to each Ex as “crazy” to his new partner. Common and boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know two "dud" husbands. One became a dud as a way to poorly deal with his wife's nagging and controlling behavior (the behavior I witnessed was borderline emotional abuse). I think he shut down. When he finally divorced her, he slowly went back to his normal self and wasn't a dud anymore.

The other one was a dud from the start. He managed to find someone else who would put up with his behavior after the divorce. She's nice but has zero self esteem and I think that's why he gets away with being a dud.

So what you’re really saying is, it’s all the women’s fault. They are too demanding. Or not demanding enough. Got it.

Well the first example was her fault. I mean, sure he could have handled it better, but she was the cause. And no, the second example is not saying that it's her fault for him being a dud. I'm saying her lack of self esteem is what causes her to put up with him. No one with any self respect would be married to someone like him.

Nagging does not excuse someone from their basic responsibilities.

What if the only effort they put into running the household is nagging?

Nagging isn't the reason somebody becomes a dud. You could just as easily say the dud caused the partner to start nagging.

Everybody is responsible for their own behavior.

You know the best way to cut down on someone else’s nagging…. Is to do what you agreed to do, and do it right.

Funny. Clearly you've never been married to a mentally ill woman.

Hm. How did you help her treat her mental illness? THat seems like a larger issue than “nagging”. This reads like the age old trope of a loser man who gets the boot then referred to each Ex as “crazy” to his new partner. Common and boring.

What’s also all too common is to have a spouse who is mentally ill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know two "dud" husbands. One became a dud as a way to poorly deal with his wife's nagging and controlling behavior (the behavior I witnessed was borderline emotional abuse). I think he shut down. When he finally divorced her, he slowly went back to his normal self and wasn't a dud anymore.

The other one was a dud from the start. He managed to find someone else who would put up with his behavior after the divorce. She's nice but has zero self esteem and I think that's why he gets away with being a dud.

So what you’re really saying is, it’s all the women’s fault. They are too demanding. Or not demanding enough. Got it.

Well the first example was her fault. I mean, sure he could have handled it better, but she was the cause. And no, the second example is not saying that it's her fault for him being a dud. I'm saying her lack of self esteem is what causes her to put up with him. No one with any self respect would be married to someone like him.

Nagging does not excuse someone from their basic responsibilities.

What if the only effort they put into running the household is nagging?

Nagging isn't the reason somebody becomes a dud. You could just as easily say the dud caused the partner to start nagging.

Everybody is responsible for their own behavior.

You know the best way to cut down on someone else’s nagging…. Is to do what you agreed to do, and do it right.

Funny. Clearly you've never been married to a mentally ill woman.

Hm. How did you help her treat her mental illness? THat seems like a larger issue than “nagging”. This reads like the age old trope of a loser man who gets the boot then referred to each Ex as “crazy” to his new partner. Common and boring.

I paid for expensive health insurance for 20 years. I went to work every day to pay for that insurance. I went to three marriage counselors (two of them told me to divorce her). She burned through a number of therapists. She took every mental illness drug one can imagine, on and off label. She took part in a number of non-traditional treatments (yoga, acupuncture, healing crystals, etc.).

She also took about 30,000 Oxycontin during the course of the marriage (I paid for those, too).