Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?

[Anonymous]

And despite all I do, all advice on these threads notwithstanding, there is still no sex, and DW goes apeshit I so much as look in the direction of another woman. And it’s not that I’m actually looking to get my rocks off, but to have a normal, tender relationship with another person that does not involve the f**king house all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And despite all I do, all advice on these threads notwithstanding, there is still no sex, and DW goes apeshit I so much as look in the direction of another woman. And it’s not that I’m actually looking to get my rocks off, but to have a normal, tender relationship with another person that does not involve the f**king house all the time.

I'm sorry what?? Are you trying to say your wife doesn't want to have sex with you because of home improvement projects????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And despite all I do, all advice on these threads notwithstanding, there is still no sex, and DW goes apeshit I so much as look in the direction of another woman. And it’s not that I’m actually looking to get my rocks off, but to have a normal, tender relationship with another person that does not involve the f**king house all the time.

You sound angry. Have you talked to your wife yet in a calm way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

MEN have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of MEN are unsustainable. I mean why should MEN even try since they’re set up to fail.

Assuming women are the only ones who do the above is just disgustingly flawed and could only be puked out by a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

MEN have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of MEN are unsustainable. I mean why should MEN even try since they’re set up to fail.

Assuming women are the only ones who do the above is just disgustingly flawed and could only be puked out by a woman.

When have you remembered to get your kids to the Dentist?
Do you know where the winter clothes are?
Which of your kids is allergic to which antribiotic?
When is the last time you cooked a real dinner that includes the proper number of servings of vegetables?

If you don't understand the invisible work of women and their mental load....well...I'm not sure there is hope for you and you will remain a hateful angry jerk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

MEN have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of MEN are unsustainable. I mean why should MEN even try since they’re set up to fail.

Assuming women are the only ones who do the above is just disgustingly flawed and could only be puked out by a woman.

I’m the person who wrote the original post.

It’s not any 1 thing on that list that is overwhelming but when you have the ultimate responsibility for many/most of the things on that list, it is exhausting. Note the word ultimate responsibility: you are ultimately responsible for assigning tasks, follow ups, ensuring the right path for this tasks etc.

And yes, women have the ultimate responsibility for many/most of those tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

MEN have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of MEN are unsustainable. I mean why should MEN even try since they’re set up to fail.

Assuming women are the only ones who do the above is just disgustingly flawed and could only be puked out by a woman.

When have you remembered to get your kids to the Dentist? Yes - I make all appointments (regular cleanings) for all of our kids
Do you know where the winter clothes are? Yes - we both just pulled them out last weekend and made sure everything fits
Which of your kids is allergic to which antribiotic? None - I keep track of all the medical records, remember the health forms for school/camp
When is the last time you cooked a real dinner that includes the proper number of servings of vegetables? Last night actually - roasted broccoli, grilled salmon over angel hair pasta, tomato and mozzarella and a spinach salad. I cook 5-6 nights a week.

If you don't understand the invisible work of women and their mental load....well...I'm not sure there is hope for you and you will remain a hateful angry jerk

DH here- stop with the tired refrain already - see my answers to your questions.

Oh, I'm up before 5 am, workout for an hour, get breakfast ready for the kids (DW gets up around 7:15), leave by 7:05 to take our youngest (all our kids are teens) to shuttle stop, in the office by 7:30 and leave usually around 5 to get middle kid from her stop. Home by 5:30 and cook with dinner served typically by 6:30. I do the regular grocery shopping (and Costco orders) and make 5x as much as my DW (she works from home). She does plenty so no complaints, but I do plenty as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

MEN have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of MEN are unsustainable. I mean why should MEN even try since they’re set up to fail.

Assuming women are the only ones who do the above is just disgustingly flawed and could only be puked out by a woman.

When have you remembered to get your kids to the Dentist? Yes - I make all appointments (regular cleanings) for all of our kids
Do you know where the winter clothes are? Yes - we both just pulled them out last weekend and made sure everything fits
Which of your kids is allergic to which antribiotic? None - I keep track of all the medical records, remember the health forms for school/camp
When is the last time you cooked a real dinner that includes the proper number of servings of vegetables? Last night actually - roasted broccoli, grilled salmon over angel hair pasta, tomato and mozzarella and a spinach salad. I cook 5-6 nights a week.

If you don't understand the invisible work of women and their mental load....well...I'm not sure there is hope for you and you will remain a hateful angry jerk

DH here- stop with the tired refrain already - see my answers to your questions.

Oh, I'm up before 5 am, workout for an hour, get breakfast ready for the kids (DW gets up around 7:15), leave by 7:05 to take our youngest (all our kids are teens) to shuttle stop, in the office by 7:30 and leave usually around 5 to get middle kid from her stop. Home by 5:30 and cook with dinner served typically by 6:30. I do the regular grocery shopping (and Costco orders) and make 5x as much as my DW (she works from home). She does plenty so no complaints, but I do plenty as well.

Female, here. ^the above is pretty much my experience with men as well. They do a lot. There is a lot they don't do, but, there is a lot I don't do. I don't think about when the car needs an oil change. I don't think about shutting off the water outside before it freezes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

MEN have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of MEN are unsustainable. I mean why should MEN even try since they’re set up to fail.

Assuming women are the only ones who do the above is just disgustingly flawed and could only be puked out by a woman.

When have you remembered to get your kids to the Dentist?
Do you know where the winter clothes are?
Which of your kids is allergic to which antribiotic?
When is the last time you cooked a real dinner that includes the proper number of servings of vegetables?

If you don't understand the invisible work of women and their mental load....well...I'm not sure there is hope for you and you will remain a hateful angry jerk

NP here, and one who wrote about having an affair up thread. If I had to guess why my wife has zero drive for me, it would be a combination of boredom which is normal and resentment from scorekeeping like this. FWIW, she is SAHM, so it seems fair to divide labor a little more traditionally, but perhaps you disagree.

All of this is honestly sad, since this is really why people have affairs. My AP asks none of this, of course, is thrilled to see me, we laugh, share jokes, have sex and part again until another opportunity presents. To be honest, as fun as it is, I would rather have that relationship with my wife, as affairs are risky and also mentally draining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

MEN have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of MEN are unsustainable. I mean why should MEN even try since they’re set up to fail.

Assuming women are the only ones who do the above is just disgustingly flawed and could only be puked out by a woman.

When have you remembered to get your kids to the Dentist?
Do you know where the winter clothes are?
Which of your kids is allergic to which antribiotic?
When is the last time you cooked a real dinner that includes the proper number of servings of vegetables?

If you don't understand the invisible work of women and their mental load....well...I'm not sure there is hope for you and you will remain a hateful angry jerk

NP here, and one who wrote about having an affair up thread. If I had to guess why my wife has zero drive for me, it would be a combination of boredom which is normal and resentment from scorekeeping like this. FWIW, she is SAHM, so it seems fair to divide labor a little more traditionally, but perhaps you disagree.

All of this is honestly sad, since this is really why people have affairs. My AP asks none of this, of course, is thrilled to see me, we laugh, share jokes, have sex and part again until another opportunity presents. To be honest, as fun as it is, I would rather have that relationship with my wife, as affairs are risky and also mentally draining.

You would be surprised at the number of women who do know about affairs. SAHMs often don't confront because they don't want to lose their income or assets. Do you think your DW knew about your cheating way back when. Or other inappropriate relationships? I ask because I've known a few friends who have long term resentments because of cheating. I'm assuming you've tried counseling, or had in depth talks with her? Have you told her this is a deal breaker for you? Instead of sneaking around why not be honest? If nothing changes maybe divorce is the best option. If my husband were cheating I'd avoid sex like the plague. Mainly because of disgust and fear of catching a disease.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

MEN have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of MEN are unsustainable. I mean why should MEN even try since they’re set up to fail.

Assuming women are the only ones who do the above is just disgustingly flawed and could only be puked out by a woman.

When have you remembered to get your kids to the Dentist? Yes - I make all appointments (regular cleanings) for all of our kids
Do you know where the winter clothes are? Yes - we both just pulled them out last weekend and made sure everything fits
Which of your kids is allergic to which antribiotic? None - I keep track of all the medical records, remember the health forms for school/camp
When is the last time you cooked a real dinner that includes the proper number of servings of vegetables? Last night actually - roasted broccoli, grilled salmon over angel hair pasta, tomato and mozzarella and a spinach salad. I cook 5-6 nights a week.

If you don't understand the invisible work of women and their mental load....well...I'm not sure there is hope for you and you will remain a hateful angry jerk

DH here- stop with the tired refrain already - see my answers to your questions.

Oh, I'm up before 5 am, workout for an hour, get breakfast ready for the kids (DW gets up around 7:15), leave by 7:05 to take our youngest (all our kids are teens) to shuttle stop, in the office by 7:30 and leave usually around 5 to get middle kid from her stop. Home by 5:30 and cook with dinner served typically by 6:30. I do the regular grocery shopping (and Costco orders) and make 5x as much as my DW (she works from home). She does plenty so no complaints, but I do plenty as well.

I'm not talking to you, PP I'm talking to the misogynist talking about how men have it so hard blah blah. That's great you do so much cooking!

My DH is awesome and we have a good balance but it took me throwing some hissy fits to get his head out of his butt about some things. And when I was angry and resentful- I didnt want to have sex with him. But now we have ironed things out and have an understanding so I am feeling much more amorous towards him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

MEN have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of MEN are unsustainable. I mean why should MEN even try since they’re set up to fail.

Assuming women are the only ones who do the above is just disgustingly flawed and could only be puked out by a woman.

When have you remembered to get your kids to the Dentist?
Do you know where the winter clothes are?
Which of your kids is allergic to which antribiotic?
When is the last time you cooked a real dinner that includes the proper number of servings of vegetables?

If you don't understand the invisible work of women and their mental load....well...I'm not sure there is hope for you and you will remain a hateful angry jerk

NP here, and one who wrote about having an affair up thread. If I had to guess why my wife has zero drive for me, it would be a combination of boredom which is normal and resentment from scorekeeping like this. FWIW, she is SAHM, so it seems fair to divide labor a little more traditionally, but perhaps you disagree.

All of this is honestly sad, since this is really why people have affairs. My AP asks none of this, of course, is thrilled to see me, we laugh, share jokes, have sex and part again until another opportunity presents. To be honest, as fun as it is, I would rather have that relationship with my wife, as affairs are risky and also mentally draining.

I’m the original poster. What you have written is so sad.

You seem to like your relationship with your AP because there are no responsibilities there. This is not real life and so it feels good. Your real life will have challenges/responsibilities/stress. You unfairly compare your real life to what you have with AP, and unfortunately your wife suffers in comparison.

Your wife knows you are not engaged in your real life and don’t want the challenges. Could it be your attitude that’s causing it the friction in your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^so I guess there’s no compromise on this situation. No matter what the wife does, it’s not good enough. It seems like it’s not as simple as men make it out: keep to same frequency as during early part of marriage and no cheating. Now there are additional conditions placed on the wives. It’s all wives who have to compromise.
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

No you don’t have to do all that. Dial back the kids/home/social planning/career if you can’t handle those things plus a normal sex life.

Dial back your kids??? I have three. Should I give one away?
Should I move to a townhouse??
And if my spouse isn't nice to me...I will need a social life to stay sane.
And if my spouse is such a selfish ass that his love depends on sex and sex only then damn straight i need to keep my career going so when he inevitably leaves me I can support my now two kids in our condo.

Yes, dial back the kids and house care. Find some stuff your husband can do, find some you can outsource, find some that doesn’t need to be done at all. Prioritize your marriage and a normal sex life, otherwise just go get a divorce now or accept that monogamy is not possible given the low priority you give to sustaining your marriage.

And wait: why are you married to a spouse who isn’t even nice to you? That makes no sense. Divorce him!

It’s is not a “selfish ass” for a spouse to need regular sex. Why don’t YOU actually want a normal sex life too? And if you view sex as such an unimportant thing, then it’s no big deal to just open the marriage and let your spouse go do that unimportant thing elsewhere.

I have said this a million times in this thread. The women I know who don't want to have sex with their husbands..
It's because the men are mean and critical to them 99% of the time except when they try to initiate for sex. And their idea of initiating is saying "wanna bone?" Or just grabbing them and trying to get them to touch their erection.

And these guys will NOT step up with the kids or the house. They probably deliberately screw up when they have to do Domestic things so they aren't asked again.

And sorry not sorry it is selfish if your love is conditional.

So yeah I have no idea why they don't divorce. I'm just trying to point out a woman's perspective and point out how men contribute to low sex marriage .

That is simply a dead relationship. She resents him, he resents her. Yet they both remain married for various reasons. But here's the thing: this husband is 100% definitely finding sex outside their marriage. Guaranteed, take that to the bank. Why are you even bringing up this "platonic room mate" example in this thread? Everybody knows this is a DADT situation and the man is definitely having sex elsewhere. Sorry I thought you had some worthwhile points to discuss but this "room mate" example is a black and white clear cut DADT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

MEN have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of MEN are unsustainable. I mean why should MEN even try since they’re set up to fail.

Assuming women are the only ones who do the above is just disgustingly flawed and could only be puked out by a woman.

When have you remembered to get your kids to the Dentist?
Do you know where the winter clothes are?
Which of your kids is allergic to which antribiotic?
When is the last time you cooked a real dinner that includes the proper number of servings of vegetables?

If you don't understand the invisible work of women and their mental load....well...I'm not sure there is hope for you and you will remain a hateful angry jerk

NP here, and one who wrote about having an affair up thread. If I had to guess why my wife has zero drive for me, it would be a combination of boredom which is normal and resentment from scorekeeping like this. FWIW, she is SAHM, so it seems fair to divide labor a little more traditionally, but perhaps you disagree.

All of this is honestly sad, since this is really why people have affairs. My AP asks none of this, of course, is thrilled to see me, we laugh, share jokes, have sex and part again until another opportunity presents. To be honest, as fun as it is, I would rather have that relationship with my wife, as affairs are risky and also mentally draining.

You would be surprised at the number of women who do know about affairs. SAHMs often don't confront because they don't want to lose their income or assets. Do you think your DW knew about your cheating way back when. Or other inappropriate relationships? I ask because I've known a few friends who have long term resentments because of cheating. I'm assuming you've tried counseling, or had in depth talks with her? Have you told her this is a deal breaker for you? Instead of sneaking around why not be honest? If nothing changes maybe divorce is the best option. If my husband were cheating I'd avoid sex like the plague. Mainly because of disgust and fear of catching a disease.

Any wife (SAHM or not) would know that she's not having regular sex with her husband, right? That alone proves her man is definitely having an affair. Why do you persist in the illusion that his DW doesn't already know? She knows! She is not having sex with him... therefore he MUST BE having an affair. Simple math.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

MEN have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of MEN are unsustainable. I mean why should MEN even try since they’re set up to fail.

Assuming women are the only ones who do the above is just disgustingly flawed and could only be puked out by a woman.

When have you remembered to get your kids to the Dentist?
Do you know where the winter clothes are?
Which of your kids is allergic to which antribiotic?
When is the last time you cooked a real dinner that includes the proper number of servings of vegetables?

If you don't understand the invisible work of women and their mental load....well...I'm not sure there is hope for you and you will remain a hateful angry jerk

NP here, and one who wrote about having an affair up thread. If I had to guess why my wife has zero drive for me, it would be a combination of boredom which is normal and resentment from scorekeeping like this. FWIW, she is SAHM, so it seems fair to divide labor a little more traditionally, but perhaps you disagree.

All of this is honestly sad, since this is really why people have affairs. My AP asks none of this, of course, is thrilled to see me, we laugh, share jokes, have sex and part again until another opportunity presents. To be honest, as fun as it is, I would rather have that relationship with my wife, as affairs are risky and also mentally draining.

I’m the original poster. What you have written is so sad.

You seem to like your relationship with your AP because there are no responsibilities there. This is not real life and so it feels good. Your real life will have challenges/responsibilities/stress. You unfairly compare your real life to what you have with AP, and unfortunately your wife suffers in comparison.

Your wife knows you are not engaged in your real life and don’t want the challenges. Could it be your attitude that’s causing it the friction in your marriage?

Bingo his wife was long done with him. I suspect he cheated all along or had emotional affairs. His attitude of having a AP like it's no big deal is very telling. No morals or values and yes his wife now knows what she mistakenly married.