Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^NP. So as long as you meet the criteria for frequency, no need for cheating. So those other reasons (not exciting enough, scheduled is not spontaneous etc.) should not lead to cheating.

How about from women’s perspective? Can they make any demands such as equality in ownership of responsibilities at home/kids/social life/ mental load? This could also play in to the frequency.

Excitement and spontaneity are unreasonable for a long term marriage. But a normal frequency is easily achieved. If scheduling makes things easier then schedule away.

None of the demands you listed have anything to do with sex. Those are just basic traits of a competent functional human. If your partner is incompetent, well why did you marry him? I would advise you to tell him to grow up and pull his weight, and if he continues to be incompetent, I’d tell you to divorce. Again this has nothing to do with sex at all.

You say this like there's a reliable way to tell how a guy would perform as a father and a husband before he has kids and marries. Everyone is competent with their single-life job and a single-life apartment. Marriage and family brings unfamiliar pressures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No here - my wife has an o every time. We are creative and use toys as well. She still is never ever in the mood and we do it once a month or so.

I know you find this shocking, but really some people lose interest over time and it's not anyone's fault. You can google female low libido and up to half of married women report low or no desire after a while. It's just nature and yes there are low libido men too.

Whether all these marriages are better off with divorce or discreet affairs is another question

Sex with the same person just gets dull over time for some people. "Adding spice" doesn't help. I mean you aren't going to morph into a new person. It's not about withholding sex as much as just losing interest.

Some lose interest in sex, and as a result, others lose interest in monogamy. The only way to save these marriage is by opening it.

Some lose interest in sex with that person. Even if the person is perfectly willing. Otherwise how do you explain affairs led by men who continue to have sex with their wives? Simple, the want for variety and nothing more.

Affair sex is very sporadic most times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These threads always devolve into a battle of the sexes, often between 3-4 posters. The reality is far simpler: Many women and some men lose all desire in long term relationships. Look up how often lesbians have sex after being married a decade. Half are sexless. It's not a matter of women being cold or men sucking in bed. It's biology. Even when there is love.

You don’t love your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These threads always devolve into a battle of the sexes, often between 3-4 posters. The reality is far simpler: Many women and some men lose all desire in long term relationships. Look up how often lesbians have sex after being married a decade. Half are sexless. It's not a matter of women being cold or men sucking in bed. It's biology. Even when there is love.

Relationships evolve after decades. You may not desire & lust for your partner like you did in the first years, but you put in effort because you love them. I may not look at my H 10 times a day and think how attractive he is and how I want to have sex with him. But I do look at him and think how much I love him or how nice he was for doing xyz for me or how great of a dad he is while he's playing with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^so I guess there’s no compromise on this situation. No matter what the wife does, it’s not good enough. It seems like it’s not as simple as men make it out: keep to same frequency as during early part of marriage and no cheating. Now there are additional conditions placed on the wives. It’s all wives who have to compromise.
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

No you don’t have to do all that. Dial back the kids/home/social planning/career if you can’t handle those things plus a normal sex life.

Dial back your kids??? I have three. Should I give one away?
Should I move to a townhouse??
And if my spouse isn't nice to me...I will need a social life to stay sane.
And if my spouse is such a selfish ass that his love depends on sex and sex only then damn straight i need to keep my career going so when he inevitably leaves me I can support my now two kids in our condo.

Yes, dial back the kids and house care. Find some stuff your husband can do, find some you can outsource, find some that doesn’t need to be done at all. Prioritize your marriage and a normal sex life, otherwise just go get a divorce now or accept that monogamy is not possible given the low priority you give to sustaining your marriage.

And wait: why are you married to a spouse who isn’t even nice to you? That makes no sense. Divorce him!

It’s is not a “selfish ass” for a spouse to need regular sex. Why don’t YOU actually want a normal sex life too? And if you view sex as such an unimportant thing, then it’s no big deal to just open the marriage and let your spouse go do that unimportant thing elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^NP. So as long as you meet the criteria for frequency, no need for cheating. So those other reasons (not exciting enough, scheduled is not spontaneous etc.) should not lead to cheating.

How about from women’s perspective? Can they make any demands such as equality in ownership of responsibilities at home/kids/social life/ mental load? This could also play in to the frequency.

Excitement and spontaneity are unreasonable for a long term marriage. But a normal frequency is easily achieved. If scheduling makes things easier then schedule away.

None of the demands you listed have anything to do with sex. Those are just basic traits of a competent functional human. If your partner is incompetent, well why did you marry him? I would advise you to tell him to grow up and pull his weight, and if he continues to be incompetent, I’d tell you to divorce. Again this has nothing to do with sex at all.

You say this like there's a reliable way to tell how a guy would perform as a father and a husband before he has kids and marries. Everyone is competent with their single-life job and a single-life apartment. Marriage and family brings unfamiliar pressures.

You say this like you didn’t read my post. I said “tell him to grow up and pull his weight, and if he continues to be incompetent, I’d tell you to divorce“.

I also pointed out this has nothing to do with sex. Why do you keep bringing this up in a thread about affairs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^so I guess there’s no compromise on this situation. No matter what the wife does, it’s not good enough. It seems like it’s not as simple as men make it out: keep to same frequency as during early part of marriage and no cheating. Now there are additional conditions placed on the wives. It’s all wives who have to compromise.
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

No you don’t have to do all that. Dial back the kids/home/social planning/career if you can’t handle those things plus a normal sex life.

Dial back your kids??? I have three. Should I give one away?
Should I move to a townhouse??
And if my spouse isn't nice to me...I will need a social life to stay sane.
And if my spouse is such a selfish ass that his love depends on sex and sex only then damn straight i need to keep my career going so when he inevitably leaves me I can support my now two kids in our condo.

Yes, dial back the kids and house care. Find some stuff your husband can do, find some you can outsource, find some that doesn’t need to be done at all. Prioritize your marriage and a normal sex life, otherwise just go get a divorce now or accept that monogamy is not possible given the low priority you give to sustaining your marriage.

And wait: why are you married to a spouse who isn’t even nice to you? That makes no sense. Divorce him!

It’s is not a “selfish ass” for a spouse to nejted regular sex. Why don’t YOU actually want a normal sex life too? And if you view sex as such an unimportant thing, then it’s no big deal to just open the marriage and let your spouse go do that unimportant thing elsewhere.

I have said this a million times in this thread. The women I know who don't want to have sex with their husbands..
It's because the men are mean and critical to them 99% of the time except when they try to initiate for sex. And their idea of initiating is saying "wanna bone?" Or just grabbing them and trying to get them to touch their erection.

And these guys will NOT step up with the kids or the house. They probably deliberately screw up when they have to do Domestic things so they aren't asked again.

And sorry not sorry it is selfish if your love is conditional.

So yeah I have no idea why they don't divorce. I'm just trying to point out a woman's perspective and point out how men contribute to low sex marriage .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^NP. So as long as you meet the criteria for frequency, no need for cheating. So those other reasons (not exciting enough, scheduled is not spontaneous etc.) should not lead to cheating.

How about from women’s perspective? Can they make any demands such as equality in ownership of responsibilities at home/kids/social life/ mental load? This could also play in to the frequency.

Excitement and spontaneity are unreasonable for a long term marriage. But a normal frequency is easily achieved. If scheduling makes things easier then schedule away.

None of the demands you listed have anything to do with sex. Those are just basic traits of a competent functional human. If your partner is incompetent, well why did you marry him? I would advise you to tell him to grow up and pull his weight, and if he continues to be incompetent, I’d tell you to divorce. Again this has nothing to do with sex at all.

You say this like there's a reliable way to tell how a guy would perform as a father and a husband before he has kids and marries. Everyone is competent with their single-life job and a single-life apartment. Marriage and family brings unfamiliar pressures.

You say this like you didn’t read my post. I said “tell him to grow up and pull his weight, and if he continues to be incompetent, I’d tell you to divorce“.

I also pointed out this has nothing to do with sex. Why do you keep bringing this up in a thread about affairs?

The reason why I brought up all of the of the work that women do is that women are often exhausted of all of the work that they're responsible for and women don't compartmentalize like men do which means sex can become another chore if women are already overwhelmed with a million other tasks. You would be surprised by how many men think that they pull their weight but it's a different story when you talk to their wives.

Also, I've come across some women posters who have mentioned that men who are successful with sex in long term relationship know how to start and keep the flame going way before any sex. For many women, sex starts in their mind and understanding how to turn on their mind is helpful (I find it's probably more helpful first to learn this about your wife then to discuss what actual acts they like). I hear many men talk about discussing what acts women like etc. but not about understanding how to turn on their wife's mind.

Finally, men who say that it's not them when discussing how good they are at sex since their sex with AP is so good aren't understanding that their skill comes in to play in a longterm relationship. In a new or AP relationship, it's more about newness/excitement and so skill level is less important. Endorphins are a key driver at that point in that relationship and it's less about level of skill.

Seriously, if a wife is making an effort for you with sex (e.g. scheduled sex), she loves you and it's up to you to see if the glass is half full or half empty. Again, it's about mental reframing. Just offering another perspective on this.

[Anonymous]

You know what none of these actual or wanna be cheaters talk about in this thread? LOVE

Do you actually love and respect your wife or is she just a thing to raise the kids, make you dinner and have sex with you?

Do you show her love and affection other than initiating sex? The more love I feel for DH the more I want him.

[Anonymous]

The reason why I brought up all of the of the work that women do is that women are often exhausted of all of the work that they're responsible for and women don't compartmentalize like men do which means sex can become another chore if women are already overwhelmed with a million other tasks.

Wives choose to be exhausted when they volunteer to do things at church or school they don’t have time for, or when they choose to try to drive the kiddies to soccer practice through rush hour traffic. Choose something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The reason why I brought up all of the of the work that women do is that women are often exhausted of all of the work that they're responsible for and women don't compartmentalize like men do which means sex can become another chore if women are already overwhelmed with a million other tasks.

Wives choose to be exhausted when they volunteer to do things at church or school they don’t have time for, or when they choose to try to drive the kiddies to soccer practice through rush hour traffic. Choose something else.

Nope. You choose not doing something vs. chipping in to help. Sort of proves the point that men help out less than they believe.

I mean taking kids to soccer practice is extra work if kids are interested in soccer? I don’t know the specifics in your situation but it speaks to your mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The reason why I brought up all of the of the work that women do is that women are often exhausted of all of the work that they're responsible for and women don't compartmentalize like men do which means sex can become another chore if women are already overwhelmed with a million other tasks.

Wives choose to be exhausted when they volunteer to do things at church or school they don’t have time for, or when they choose to try to drive the kiddies to soccer practice through rush hour traffic. Choose something else.

Ladies listen up! Your husband's wang is more important than: his children, his children's school, charity work and religion!! ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY WANG

Or ya know, you could take the kids to soccer and be a damn grownup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The reason why I brought up all of the of the work that women do is that women are often exhausted of all of the work that they're responsible for and women don't compartmentalize like men do which means sex can become another chore if women are already overwhelmed with a million other tasks.

Wives choose to be exhausted when they volunteer to do things at church or school they don’t have time for, or when they choose to try to drive the kiddies to soccer practice through rush hour traffic. Choose something else.

Ladies listen up! Your husband's wang is more important than: his children, his children's school, charity work and religion!! ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY WANG

Or ya know, you could take the kids to soccer and be a damn grownup.

+1000. PP is truly an immature idiot.

[Anonymous]

^1000%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The reason why I brought up all of the of the work that women do is that women are often exhausted of all of the work that they're responsible for and women don't compartmentalize like men do which means sex can become another chore if women are already overwhelmed with a million other tasks.

Wives choose to be exhausted when they volunteer to do things at church or school they don’t have time for, or when they choose to try to drive the kiddies to soccer practice through rush hour traffic. Choose something else.

I see this with my DW. She’s constantly engaged in some home improvement project that I gave to get involved with even after working all f**king day. Just this summer together or separately we built a new shed, a new deck and painted the house and now she wants to refinish the basement and an upstairs bedroom. My father believed there is no form of human labor than working on your own house. It’s nice to do all these things to have a house to enjoy, but the fact is we are working so much to make it “perfect” we never enjoy it. I also take offense that I basically work one third of the month to pay the mortgage and then an expected to either hire people for her improvements or do it myself.