Just don't really care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the replies. Really I wasn't complaining or looking for reasons why or ways to improve it. I have done all of the things that the well meaning posters have replied to no avail. The bottom line is that at this point I am just kind of over it. No, I don't want to divorce over sex, we do have a good life overall. That said, I just find it increasingly to care about my wife as a wife when the part of our relationship that makes it a marriage is pretty much gone. Really all I was looking for was to see if anyone on here had been in my shoes and how they managed it without making the marriage worse.

Treat her kindly and with respect for the sake of your children. Always be polite and civil in front of them. Treat her like a friend who you are raising children with. Strangely, people are often nicer to their friends than spouses because their expectations for that role are much lower so if you can get back to thinking of her that way, you are golden.

Find a friend who you can share your emotional life with.

^ Also I personally would completely stop initiating sex with her. See what happens on that front if you stop asking for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

An Open marriage is not cheating, it is a lifestyle choice just like celibacy is a lifestyle choice for the spouse who declared the marriage Sexless.

You can keep telling it to yourself to no end, but it is cheating. If it helps you cheat with a clear conscience then go ahead, but you will be the only one thinking it, your spouse didn't agree. Why is so important to you to not get divorce if you need to find an AP and be open about it? I am actually curious. I said many times in my marriage: if you don't like it then go file. I wasn't taken on this offer, but was presented with an AP. Ex saw AP as a solution and he was not happy about the divorce I filed for (as in his mind he solved the problem). I understand people having secret affairs, but I don't understand the out in the open "I am meeting my needs" ones.

A sexless marriage is equally cheating the marital vows to Have and to Hold. Why should a spouse who never "agreed" to a sexless marriage care if their spouse "agrees" with the Open marriage? Why does the sexless partner want to stay married to somebody they don't want sex with? If the declared Open marriage bothers the sexless partner, he/she can easily divorce. Sounds like that's exactly what happened in your marriage. But to be clear, your marriage did not end due to his AP, it ended due to your unilateral sexless declaration. His AP was the expected and justified reaction to you destroying your marriage. The burden of filing for divorce was correctly placed on the spouse who destroyed the marriage: you.

It's always two people who are at fault, so it's not an issue. My question remains. Why do you think that declaring an open marriage is a viable solution to preserving a marriage? No sex or AP are equally destructive. My ex had that idea and was hurt that I filed and didn't want to divorce, I was puzzled. Why keep a sham afloat? He lost me as a friend at that point too, because of those views.

A normal libido person can not stay (faithful) in a sexless marriage. It is an unstable condition, like balancing a toothpick on end, it might work for 10 seconds but WILL soon fall over. Opening the marriage allows the normal libido to meet his/her normal sexual needs. So the marriage becomes a stable roommate situation, versus a failed romance between friends withOUT benefits.

Okay. Got it. It's not a libido issue, it's never a libido issue when we are not talking about every day, several times a day stuff. I only know one couple who have a roommate situation, but they are actually divorced, both dating, just maintain one household for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
^ Also I personally would completely stop initiating sex with her. See what happens on that front if you stop asking for it.

I think this is the best advice here. You know what doesn't work, so stop doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
^ Also I personally would completely stop initiating sex with her. See what happens on that front if you stop asking for it.

I think this is the best advice here. You know what doesn't work, so stop doing that.

I haven't initiated since the afore mentioned bed sex session, which was some time at the end of January. I don't even really want to anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
^ Also I personally would completely stop initiating sex with her. See what happens on that front if you stop asking for it.

I think this is the best advice here. You know what doesn't work, so stop doing that.

I haven't initiated since the afore mentioned bed sex session, which was some time at the end of January. I don't even really want to anymore.

And nothing has happened on that front.......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

DH here. Typical DCUM story, married 8 years, three kids, sex dried up. Been like once a month for a few years. I consider myself to be a pretty good husband, good father, do lots around the house, do lots of the kid stuff etc. I have a bit of a dad bod but not hideous (I don't think). We have a good relationship minus the sex.

Done lots of "date nights" gone out of my way to try to make her feel special etc. This isn't about sexless marriage per se, but I find that I am at the point where I just don't really care about her as a wife anymore. I don't dislike her, she is a good mom and does lots to make the household run, but I just don't really care that much for her anymore and find it difficult/annoying to be around her. I don't care to hear about her day and I generally don't want to spend time with her really, I would just rather do my own thing at this point. Mostly I look forward to when she falls asleep so I can watch the shows I want that she doesn't like. The lack of any response to me, or to me working towards having a marital relationship with her has kind of finally just emptied my tank for her.

I don't want a divorce, because I love my family and I really don't want anyone else other than her, but I am finding it hard to have any real engagement with her outside of kid/house stuff. She's not a bitch and we don't fight much , overall its a pleasant home.

Not really sure of the point of this post but has anyone been in this situation before have any advice about how to manage this dynamic. Not really about how to change it/up the sex, but I don't want to totally lose the marriage

No advice, but that sounds very familiar to my situation. I've told my wife that I think the lack of sex is a problem, but she hasn't done anything noticeable to improve that aspect of our marriage. I recommended a book and, when she couldn't be bothered to read it, I think that's when I kind of gave up.

This was me 4 years ago. Last year I stepped out and had an affair. Now she cares, but couldn't be bothered for years...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say you don't want a divorce but maybe she does? Sounds like you're not well matched but it sounds like you could be friends and good co-parenting partners.

OP here, no I wouldn't think so. She is pretty happy. If you asked her if our marriage would good she would say its great. Its almost like she is blind to the fact that the sex issue is so big, even though I have told her multiple times that it is. We are well matched as husband and wife, just not lovers-though we used to be. She was never a nymph or anything but it was good, enough for me to want to sign up for it for the rest of my life We are good friends, and co parents, just that's not what I want from my wife.

God, this is me. My wife would convey that everything is hunky dory and marriage is great on all fronts. Meanwhile, she provides maintenance sexual availabilty (not participation) every two weeks and has been without a libido for going on 12 years --- long before we had kids. I crave engagement, interest, imtimacy and passion. I know that fades with time, but I hate to think of going the rest of my life without feeling that again.

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP here. Just following up that my wife initiated and had the most passionate sex we have had in probably the past 5 years last night. I guess not caring/behaving like I have in the past got the message across that all my other attempts of communicating in the past haven't. Just an FYI for others in my situation, not looking to restart the thread.

[Anonymous]

LOL maintenance availability

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL maintenance availability

OP here, no real argument here about that, but the difference was this time it wasn't lame, she at least seemed invested for the first time in many years. Not kidding myself that this is going to be ongoing or the issue is solved.

[Anonymous]

In other words, she only has sex on her terms, every 3 months, if she thinks of it. Your needs don't matter. Got it.

FYI, your is not a sustainable marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL maintenance availability

OP here, no real argument here about that, but the difference was this time it wasn't lame, she at least seemed invested for the first time in many years. Not kidding myself that this is going to be ongoing or the issue is solved.

If you are the OP, this seems like you've solved the issue.

She doesn't want to be pressured into sex.

She'll come to you when she's ready and it'll actually be good sex (vs. starfish sex).

So what's the problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL maintenance availability

OP here, no real argument here about that, but the difference was this time it wasn't lame, she at least seemed invested for the first time in many years. Not kidding myself that this is going to be ongoing or the issue is solved.

If you are the OP, this seems like you've solved the issue.

She doesn't want to be pressured into sex.

She'll come to you when she's ready and it'll actually be good sex (vs. starfish sex).

So what's the problem?

OP here, I haven't pressured my wife for sex in a long time. I'd initiate when horny and get shot down, but that was pretty infrequent and when I was at my wits end and needed to at least try. Shen never came to me when she was ready-becuase she was never ready. The difference I wanted to share for others like me was her behavior around sex changed when my behavior towards her changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL maintenance availability

OP here, no real argument here about that, but the difference was this time it wasn't lame, she at least seemed invested for the first time in many years. Not kidding myself that this is going to be ongoing or the issue is solved.

OP, I was the one laughing at the expression. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to comment on your message. PP's expression gave me a (much needed) laugh this morning.

No offense meant to anyone! I hope things will work out for y'all. This really sucks, and I share your despair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP here. Just following up that my wife initiated and had the most passionate sex we have had in probably the past 5 years last night. I guess not caring/behaving like I have in the past got the message across that all my other attempts of communicating in the past haven't. Just an FYI for others in my situation, not looking to restart the thread.

I'm glad for you OP.