"Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him

[Anonymous]

OP I would also suggest individual therapy for you. Explore self esteem issues and whether you are depressed. As for lack of sexual chemistry, I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that you don't seem to have emotional chemistry. Does he make you laugh? Do you find the same things funny? Do you give eachother knowing glances and know what the other is thinking?

You shouldn't spend your life miserable, OP. And I'm not so sure that kids with a miserable but married mother are better off than kids with a happy but divorced mother. The question is whether getting divorced will make you happy. Sometimes we carry the unhappiness with us into our next stage of life because the unhappiness is based more on internal rather than external factors. This is what I'd encourage you to explore in therapy.

I would also suggest going on vacation with just your husband and trying to reconnect. Can someone watch the kids for a few days? Even if you just go somewhere within driving distance for 3 or 4 nights.

[Anonymous]

This whole thread makes me sad. No, OP, chemistry isn't the be-all, end-all of a successful relationship. You have two wonderful children together & you're sharing a life. Make the most of it. The alternative is to have your kids 50% (or less) of the time, go on the dating merry-go-round (not satisfying), and struggle financially.

If you feel you need to leave, at least wait until the kids are a bit older.

I've been with my DH for nearly 30 years, and there have been years when I've been less than passionate and years when I've been madly in love. Marriage is a long relationship that changes and grows. I know you've said no to therapy, but I hope you'll reconsider.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the same situation as you are. I totally get how you feel.

There are a number of us who have expressed this sentiment and tried to offer some advice, but for some reason OP doesn't acknowledge that and instead just wants to vent but does not want any real advice from throws of us who have btdt.

I am taking it all in, believe me. It's reassuring to hear that other people feel similarly and I am not a mental case like some PPs have suggested. I felt the need to respond to some posts to correct some people's inaccurate interpretations and personal attacks.

Talk about selective reading...

Actually I'm in the same boat as her and she did not respond to me, but then did respond pages later to another poster, quoting my post as the solution is "suck it up huttercup" so clearly she knows and is reading

[Anonymous]

OP, I am stunned that you would put your children through the pain of divorce for such selfish reasons. If you were really so spineless and such a dimwit as to get pressured into marrying someone at 33, thats on you. But its not just you anymore. Your CHILDREN, not your sex drive, should be your top priority. In some ways I think the best thing that could happen here would be, you leave, your ex gets primary custody, and quickly marries a wonderful loving woman who will become the mother your children deserve. Based on your description of your DH, he will have zero issues finding someone wonderful to take your place.

[Anonymous]

If you think you are too young to feel dead inside, there's your answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a SAHM or do you work? Whats the division of assets/money?

OP. He makes 80% of our HHI. I said initially that I realize this is a problem. I could support myself but I would need child support for the kids in this area, especially since we want them to go to private school. As for dividing assets, I don't know how that would work. Neither of us came into the marriage with much in savings so I guess we would just split what we do have now 50/50?

Is she entitled to 50-50 if she divorces for no chemistry? I'm a woman and this sounds so unfair to the poor guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:
Well since you asked. I have tried that. We have tried that. But it didn't really work. I want rough sex. I want a confident, sexy man to push me around a little bit. I want it to be a little risky and daring. I want to be thrown off guard. I want to be *into* it, you know? The kind of sex we have is so predictable and mechanical and way too sweet. He is always trying to kiss me during which I hate. I don't know how to articulate this but it's like he is way too polite and PC to do what I want. It was such an awkward failure.

Now do you see what I mean??

You said he can sense something is wrong. If you tell him, again at a therapist's office where it can be in a safe neutral place, that this is what you want, but you know he find's it uncomfortable, then you two could probably work it out from there. He's not comfortable with what you want, but maybe he'd be willing to try harder too (and you do too) if he thinks it will make you happier with your sex life.

Have you had this kind of "rougher" sex previously, or is this some fantasy? I have had these kinds of fantasy, too, but I think reality is much different, and I know that if it really happened I wouldn't like it.

Yes I am thinking of someone in particular from my past. He was my last SO before I met my husband. He didn't want to get married though and still isn't.

so he didn't want to marry you when you were 33 but he will marry you when you are 40+ with 2 kids? good luck with that.

It's not him specifically. I don't think we will get back together. We're barely even in contact anymore. But I want someone like him. Just less disfunctional and angry at the world.

LOL
what makes you think such guy exist and wants to be with you? why didn't you find "someone like him just less dysfunctional" when you were 30?

+1

I am married to a smart, 'kind of boring' smart successful man too. We were friends though (while I dated the whole planet in college) for 5 years before I even said yes to dating him.
Then, I did find that I loved him and we pretty much got married soon after.

Sometimes I was not sure that he loved or does love me. It has literally taken me all of these 25 years to really have some clue of his inner workings. Smart and successful
and boring do not mean uncomplicated. He seems uncomplicated because he's not very chatty and he's pretty easy going and he's nice - but he is not uncomplicated.
I was kind of a smart gal too, but more of a book smart and capable smart than an emotionally smart? You sound the opposite. It might be harder for you to understand.

It sounds like for you life has not 'hit the fan' yet. It will. Give it some time. You might find that you are the one who desperately wants him not to leave you in time.

I have found that my husband, though he is quiet and easy going, actually withholds affection when he doesn't like something. Yes, he continues to do the housework
and play with the kids and he comes home every day, but he's kind of ... tuned out on the love side. There is no connection when he is not happy. It is hard to even
notice that he is not happy because he would not TELL ME that. Of course that is wrong and crazy and difficult (and the next chickie who would sign up would get the
same thing) , but it took me a long time to figure that out. Have you tried getting to know him better? Find what really he is thinking and feeling? What makes him
happy and what makes him upset? How his life is going? That can be hard to do with such a man, but I would recommend it. I am
still amazed now when my husband comes up to me and tells me things that he thinks and feels, and what he wants. It's really weird that it took 20 years to tease that out,
but it is nice - and it does bring out the connection. I guess it makes him happy. It makes me happy too to finally have a communicating man (it really was like pulling teeth
to get to this stage). Do you have a communicating man or do you have a man that just is walking through life, meeting his obligations?

My 'smart' husband has so much to do and so little time to fit in all in with helping with the housework and being a great father, he does not often take time for
many social extras for himself - socializing at work, activities/hobbies for himself, etc. This is really selfless if you think about it. He really is busting his ass for you
and your family is the right way to think about it though. You are the one person that he does make time for? That is impressive. It doesn't seem like he has great desire for you - but
if you compare it to how he lives the rest of his life, you might see that it does?

For the sex thing, I have heard this from some of my friends who are more your age (I'm 13 years older than you). For me at my age - hey, I'm just glad I get some
good stuff some time (i am not complicated). You are probably wanting him to be pursuing you. You want him to want you crazily to feel needed, desired and provided for.
Have you tried the vulnerable thing? If you get back to the part about life hitting the fan - our lives are crazy and have hit the crapper plenty and there is definitely
some neediness on my part sometimes (shocking as I'm a tough, capable gal) and I have found that that brings out the passion in the guy. Huh! You might try that
one - even if it's role playing. Or, if it's not - go out and get more of a life for yourself and try that out. Just go and do some interesting things (not having an affair!),
go about your more interesting life and see how that works out? I would guess it would be a big plus.

Want an idea for something to produce a lot of emotions in you? Foster a damned dog. I don't care what they say about it being a 'great experience'. It's a
great experience, but it's crazy and you might find yourself sobbing for a week after passing off the pooch that just ate all of your garden & grandma's dining
room chair and peed in your car. Sometimes you have to find your emotions in other parts of your life.

You will find your lives more interesting when your kids hit the teen years too. My 'quiet' husband did not produce 'quiet' children and they are really giving us a run for the
money. I make sure he gets plenty of personal time with them (flee! Don't over protect the kids - get the heck out and leave them with him as much as you can) and
my 'quiet' husband gets so frustrated sometimes I find that I have an extra teen in the house at times. That has been entertaining (shhh). Also, as he is not the
best with the teens and needs a translator, I would not have missed that for the world for both parties sakes (teens and dad). It's freaking funny and my status definitely
goes up after 'teen time' (we are more of a team). Having the teens has brought out more in his personality and what he shares with me for sure.

Having a lot of friends (and not just to bitch about the husband. I'd stop that - especially with relations as it could get back to him? Men do not like that) helps too. When
my friends do talk about their relationships sometimes I am shocked at how truly messed up their lives are compared to mine and my relationship (and some of their divorces have been just
absolutely 100% awful).

Friends and outside activities of your own... And, above all - be kind to him.

You sound so interesting, PP. I was laughing and tearing up.

[Anonymous]

To divorce because of lack of chemistry is selfish. The kids don't give a damn about your sex life or your chemistry. They just want a reasonably positive and safe home life with two parents there to love them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem for OP is the general lack of chemistry which is turning almost to repulsion. I don't know that she can pretend to feel differently year after year. Maybe she will try for a while until the children are older.

There s no "lack of chemistry." OP is a self-centered, frigid, deceptive greedy bitch who married her husband, knowing full well she didn't love him and was never physically attracted to him, for his money, social status of being a doctor, and his sperm. Now she wants "out" because she got what she married him for and doesn't want to just admiit that dumping his ass was always part of her master plan. Her real problem is that she has no better options. The reason there is no romance in her marriage is because she's not romantic. That's not why she married him. She married someone willing to put up with all her crap BECAUSE he was willing to do so and now she's mad because she got exactly what she bargained for. Sorry Scarlett OHara but its the end of the line for you. You can cheat your husband out of a happy marriage but you cant cheat father time. How many other high earning high status professionals are going to want a divorced with two brats, frigid, greedy psycho like you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op don't throw this away. You have a good marriage and a great man. I am in the exact same boat as you, I want rough passionate, throw me on the bed sex. He is way too sweet proper and romantic... I am not giving up on him, even if clearly I had incomparably better chemistry with my ex on that level. I know my ex was a jerk and would have made me very unhappy.

Like others have said, leave only if you would actually be happier alone. If you are hoping for the perfect passionate chemistry, great father, positive relationship and respectful marriage, I personally don't know any

Why do women deliberately marry emotionally and sexually docile men, who are easy for them to dominate and control, yet get angry at their husband for being such a dishrag? You married someone who would willingly do the chores and treated you as a more than equal partner and don't understand your lack of attraction to such a punk. You wanted to be in control of your marriage and you are but that usually leads to.sexual boredom. Oh snap you didn't marry him for sex and love in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg, this poor man. Can you imagine how hurt and humiliated he would be if he read this and somehow figured out it was about him? The story of him trying to be what the OP wants and failing and now acting like a "kicked puppy" at home just makes me cringe. And he sounds like such a nice guy too! A real catch.

Dont feel too sorry, I am sure there are plenty of pretty young nurses for him to bang, perhals he already is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you never loved him but talked yourself into marrying him because of what he brought to the table (successful high paying career, attractive, etc). You probably convinced yourself you could grow to love him and that hasn't happened. I'm sorry. I think it's only fair to both of you to split.

Yes this is exactly what happened. Everyone around me thought he was wonderful and amazing. And he *is* all of those things but he's still not right for ME for some reason. I try to explain this to the people closest to me and they think I am insane. It's like they're just not hearing me. Or they don't care. But life is about more than living in the picture perfec house with the picture perfect family. I have to live with him 24/7, not just in those nice, pretty moments that everyone else sees. I did settle and I bitterly regret it now. Word to the wise for any unattached women reading.

Actually it sounds like he is the one who settled. And I agree with the insane part. You clearly are seriously emotionally disturbed.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you have young children, it's too late to worry about passion. You life is not about your wants anymore. Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, perhaps my perspective may help you. I was you, but I said "no" to the guy.

In graduate school I met the perfect “on paper” guy. Smart, kind (to me), destined to be successful. Conventionally good-looking, wealthy family, etc. I come from a lefty, albeit well-off family, and am definitely quirky, so I was always confused by his dogged pursuit of me. Anyway, he was everything I was “supposed to” want. And the attention was initially flattering. I felt compelled to date him. So I did, at 27. We moved in together at 31, when we were 32, he was ready to propose. And it terrified me.

I knew that we weren’t compatible. But his utter assurance that we were and would have a great life was both confusing and made me doubt my own feelings. Didn’t I want a great life? Didn’t I want to be comfortable?

Well…of course. But something told me it would be a terrible mistake. I used to actually have dreams about a bird trapped in a cage, beating its wings against the bars while feathers exploded from the sides (cliché, I know). Still, I wasn’t convinced a guy this “solid” would come along again.

And I was right.

I had several serious relationships after that, but it did get harder as I got older, and I did notice, as PPs have pointed out, a decline in the quality of men as I and they aged. Sadly, ex is definitely the most “solid” guy in my history. At 37, I had a beautiful child on my own who is 3 now. I’m 41, and after taking a 4 year hiatus from dating, am putting myself out there again. It’s actually much easier than I thought it would be; I’ve had several sweet, successful divorced dads with young kids reach out to me (this is not everyone’s idea of perfect, I realize), and I think there’s a good one in there. But it won’t be easy; I grew up in a blended family and the step-parents/kids dynamic can be complex.

I know there are people who would read this and think, “Jesus. You could’ve had 3 kids, a huge house/vacation house, your career, a husband, and you gave all that up for what you wrote above??”

And the answer is yes. For me, that was what was right. My ex was all that I described: top of his class, “chiseled” good looks, treated me well. He also had a penchant for making fun of overweight people, came from a family with a hardcore ingrained gender roles that I was terrified we’d repeat, and was pretty bad in bed. These are just a few things, but they were some of the many things no one else knew but me. So he was “perfect”. Just not perfect for me.

My parents occasionally bring him up…how is Larlo doing? He’s good. He married a 100% vanilla-esque girl from our grad program (sounds bitchy, I know, but I think this was what he wanted, and good for him for finding it), and they just had their second child. We collaborated on a book together in our field, which is small, so we’re still in touch. And friendly.

When I look around my 2 bedroom condo in NW I think, occasionally, that I could have lived in AU park in a 5 bedroom house and been a member of the country club. The house I’d take. The country club? No thanks. It’s hard to have one without the other, which is a lot like life. Whether my choices are considered strange or not by others, I’ve lived life on my own terms. And that part I’ve never regretted.

I agree with others that therapy may help you connect with your spouse in ways that might surprise you. I wish I’d had the balls to talk to my ex frankly about sex, to tell him how horrified I was by the way his family treated his mother, etc. Maybe it would’ve made a difference. I suspect it would not have. But you’ve got a lot more invested, and I think it’s worth a try. If for no other reason than you can’t honestly get to the next step unless you’ve explored this first.

My best to you.

If.you are still brooding about this ten years later it means you know it was a huge.mistake.not.to.marry him. You like many people are.just a commitment phobe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am really surprised by these responses. I can't believe so many of you think it is "adolescent" to want to be sexually attracted to the person you are forced to spend the rest of your life with.

OMG you are just not getting it! No one thinks this is adolescent. What we do think is adolescent is a.) realizing you are not in love with a man and letting your mother and sister talk you into marrying him anyway, b.) proceeding to have two children with him, c.) refusing to tell him directly what the problem is, and d.) assuming you can just waltz out of this relationship and find a man who is exactly like your husband (rich, kind, caring, intelligent, good looking, a functional adult) AND sexually passionate, edgy, and "rough" when you want him to be within 3 months. It's not going to happen, sorry to say. If you leave your husband, I predict that you will still be single within 3 years OR unhappily married to someone else. What you are looking for does not exist.

Highly responsible professional men such as engineers and doctors can be emotionally and sexually repressed. OP doesn't get that it is HER job to bring out his inner sexual tiger. Has she ever showed up for bed in slutty lingerie, nipple clamps, and a bondage collar? I'll bet she doesn't.even shave much less wax her cooch. There are lots of ways to turn on your man. She doesn't want to because she is a head case with issues that predate the marriage