"Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him
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Anonymous
I am taking it all in, believe me. It's reassuring to hear that other people feel similarly and I am not a mental case like some PPs have suggested. I felt the need to respond to some posts to correct some people's inaccurate interpretations and personal attacks. |
Anonymous
Sure I do, which can be summed up as "suck it up buttercup. You made your bed, now lie in it." |
Anonymous
Talk about selective reading... |
Anonymous
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I think OP (like many women) expect their lovers to read their minds about what they want sexually. When men fail to do this, they feel disappointed in him, but refuse to just explain exactly what they want because they feel like "I shouldn't have to do that."
This is a classic fallacy that women fall into, and it comes from unrealistic gender role expectations. Men rarely become good lovers without some guidance. They may *think* that they are great, but they are often just great at getting themselves off. |
Anonymous
and quite a few men are not open to sexual direction. they do not have thick enough skin to take some pointers, even if they are pointed out as gently as possible. |
Anonymous
| Maybe you're not being as gentle as you think. |
Anonymous
omg, are you serious? |
Anonymous
| I think the problem for OP is the general lack of chemistry which is turning almost to repulsion. I don't know that she can pretend to feel differently year after year. Maybe she will try for a while until the children are older. |
Anonymous
Chemistry isn't some mystical thing. You can work on that. |
Anonymous
How would you work on it? I (not OP) have found it is either there or not? |
Anonymous
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OP- I think individual therapy would be helpful for you. Just keep looking until you find someone you click with.
The reason I think you should see someone is you remind me of me in some ways. I also dated guys in my youth that were emotionally distant and great in bed, but didn't want to marry me (or would have been bad husbands/fathers). They may have been very attentive, but not very emotionally close, if that makes sense. And I would be madly in love with them--the pursuer. I was always pursuing them emotionally and relationship wise. (And I totally understand how you like to be the pursuer but also dominated in bed.) But I went into therapy and realized that I dated guys like these because I was ambivalent about being emotionally close. I had a distant father and then I dated distant men. It wasn't about them, it was about me. You dated a emotionally distant man (who paid attention to you and dominated you sexually), but realized they wouldn't make good husband/father. (I suspect there was a pattern of other emotionally distant men). Now you are married to an emotionally distant man (who felt safe in the beginning), but you don't have the attention or sexual compatibility to bridge the emotional gap. Then you add life, stress, kids...the marriage feels adrift. I can almost guarantee that if you divorce DH, you will find and fall in love with another emotionally distant man. He will not seem to be that way in the beginning, but over time will show his true colors. So individual therapy for you to figure out why you are attracted to (or feel safe with) emotionally distant men. Then with your DH either with a couple's therapist or on your own have this conversation with DH, "I feel emotionally detached from you. I know you don't like talking about trivial things, but having a silly conversation about celebrity gossip makes me feel like you care about me. I need us to connect more emotionally. I need you to not fix things when I just need to vent." And see where the conversation goes. Also look into a John Gottman book, weekend or a Gottman trained therapist. The thing you are talking about needing when you mention something he thinks is silly, is called a 'bid'. When he ignores or puts down your 'bid' he is actually ignoring or putting you and your emotions down. He is cutting off the emotional connections with you. |
Anonymous
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http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/ From the article: Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird. The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that. People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t—those who turned away—would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.” These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs. |
Anonymous
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https://www.gottman.com/shop/the-relationship-cure/
by Dr. John Gottman and Joan DeClaire “John Gottman … has found gold once again. This book shows how the simplest, nearly invisible gestures of care and attention hold the key to successful relationships with those we love and work with.” ~ William J. Doherty, Ph.D., author of Take Back Your Marriage The Relationship Cure is a revolutionary five-step program for repairing troubled relationships – with spouses and lovers, family members, friends, and even your boss or colleagues at work. Drawing on a host of powerful new studies, Dr. John Gottman offers new tools and insights for making your relationships thrive. Gottman’s simple yet life-transforming five-step program, packed with helpful questionnaires and exercises, show readers how to become master bidders by effectively ‘turning toward’ others. Presenting dozens of examples, he teaches readers how to assess their strengths and weaknesses in bidding, as well as those of the important people in their lives, and how to improve where necessary. Introducing the fundamental unit of emotional connection he calls the “emotional bid,” Dr. Gottman shows that all good relationships are built through a process of making and receiving successful bids. These bids range from such subtle gestures as a quick question, a look, or a comment, to the most probing and intimate ways we communicate. His research reveals that people in happy relationships make bidding and responding to bids a high priority in their lives, and he has discovered the fascinating secrets behind mastering the bidding process. |
Anonymous
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You can also try these...there's even an app...
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html |
Anonymous
You do realize that you married a man, right? Men don't like to gossip or speculate or, you know, pour their feelings out. Even my gay male friends. Some yes, most no. He's already doing that at work you said - he's a doctor that listens? That's pretty good, he's probably tired out from that by the time he gets home. I've played sports with men (on mens teams - but I'm a gal) and I notice that they argue and have all sorts of emotions - stuff you never see in the day to day because they are not comfortable expressing themselves for the most part. But talking about sports, arguing at sporting events (or the darned tv set). Sure. Anyway - I'm off track now - but men don't much usually like most of those things you want him to like (are you sure you didn't really want to marry a woman? Because my women friends who have married other women talk about, you know, liking these things in their partners) . If he's already tired from doing these things at work (talking) but he likes doing active things can't you do something active? Take the kids to the park together? To the zoo? Play tennis together? Go for a walk somewhere nice (have a glass of wine? Why doesn't he drink - do you know? That's rare... In fact -what is his history, can you explain?). Gotta go... |