Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a real question, not snark: if it's such a huge disruption for a player to miss a single tournament then what happens if they are injured, have strep throat, etc. Also-if the culture really is this rigid I would be concerned about pressure to return to the game or season too soon after concussion or possible concussion.

The team is disrupted, and probably doesn't perform as well. The concern you cite about pressure to return too soon is a very real issue, one that has been getting increasing amounts of attention.

He is a freshman on varsity. It is an early season tournament. Please stop with the "team disrupted and real issues." Do you hear how you sound. REAL issues???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that most of the people posting here who believe the kid and his mom are being selfish have no conception of how selfish it is to want someone else to put their life on hold for their "big day" or how hypocritical it is to say they're prioritizing "supporting the family" by forcing a family member to forgo something they've worked quite hard for.

If "supporting the family" is so important, how about we all grow up and support the boy going to his sporting event, which (a) understandably means more to him than his aunts wedding considering the amount of time he's likely put into it, and (b) shouldn't ultimately change how his aunt feels about her wedding day one bit.

It's a good practice to at least analyze the size of the benefit to you against the size of the sacrifice you're making someone else make.

Great selfish rationalization. Have you heard of narcism?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow. what an interesting debate. my kid is in KG, so i have no idea, but I thought that the OBVIOUS answer would have been that he skip the game.

Everything becomes less obvious as your children start to become their own people. If it isn't a soccer game it is something else. In the end, it is just a wedding. The bride got to decide when to have it and where to have it, and her guests get to decide if they can come. Her day won't be diminished by the loss of the kid. This answer goes for all kinds of reasons.

It would be nice if the kid could come, or wanted to come, but this just won't matter.

I don't agree with the highlight. To me it is,

In the end, it is just a pre-season tournament.

"just a wedding" isn't in our family's vocabulary and judging from many other parents here, I am glad I am in one of those "family" families

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tournament trumps wedding, though sister should go to wedding.

(NP trying to catch up.)

This is so sad to me.

When you grow up you will realize this was NOT the most important day of your life.

+1

When did anyone (OP or a poster) say it was the most important day of anyone's life?? The point, which I think is obvious but apparently not, is whether a sports tournament is or can be or should be more important than a close family wedding. The wedding doesn't have to be the most important day of the person's life to think that a tournament shouldn't trump. The bride could place it in line with a number of important life events, like a 75th anniversary party for grandparents, like a bat mitvah of a sibling, like a parent's retirement party after decades of public service etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that most of the people posting here who believe the kid and his mom are being selfish have no conception of how selfish it is to want someone else to put their life on hold for their "big day" or how hypocritical it is to say they're prioritizing "supporting the family" by forcing a family member to forgo something they've worked quite hard for.

If "supporting the family" is so important, how about we all grow up and support the boy going to his sporting event, which (a) understandably means more to him than his aunts wedding considering the amount of time he's likely put into it, and (b) shouldn't ultimately change how his aunt feels about her wedding day one bit.

It's a good practice to at least analyze the size of the benefit to you against the size of the sacrifice you're making someone else make.

You have a seriously messed up world view if you think one tournament of many sports tournamens is even remotely equivalent to the celebration of a family member's wedding. If the niece is not there, I don't look at it in terms of the benefit or loss to the bride; it's a loss to the whole extended family to have someone missing like that. These are "all call" extended family occasions. Or at least they are in my family where we treasure the rare times we are all together from far-flung countries and states and walks of life. We come together to welcome and bless a new family, to welcome a new child, and to hold each other close when one of us has died. Sometimes we are lucky enough to have other milestones to gather to celebrate, like my grandmother's 90ty birthday and aunt and uncle's 60th wedding anniversary. These are seen as more optional than weddings, though, where we see it as a sacred responsibility to join in support and celebration of the newly wedded couple. Cheering someone kicking a ball, when they do the ball kicking nearly every weekend over the course of many years, isn't remotely equivalent. My mind is really blown by people who value family so little and elevate exercise, competitive games, and hobbies so highly.

Holy cow! Take a Xanax.

Haha, I'm the PP, and you're right, I'm bizarrely amp'd up by this thread. I need to step away from the keyboard. Thanks for the blunt reality check.

I am sorry this thread has you amp'd up, you seem nice... I sorry I told you to take a Xanax.

I actually agree 100% with your perspective here. So I guess I need a Xanax too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One day that 14 year old - and the other "sports at all cost" 14 year olds will get married - and guess what - I bet nobody will think twice about blowing off their wedding(s). Because there's a great big difference between the all-me-all- the- time people and people that genuinely love and care about their family and friends. And I know this is true because everybody blew off one of my sisters 3 kids weddings because he grew up to be an entitled pompous ass and so was his wife. It was a packed house for the other two. End of story.

My guess is that he will have a huge wedding because he spend years fostering relationships with teammates. Long weekends in crappy hotels, trying to stay entertained between tournament games, sharing their Gatorade when their teammate forgot theirs.

He will have a hard time picking the best man since he has so many close friends.

They will all toast their friend who got cancer in high school and talk about the time the whole soccer team raised money for his recovery. They will dedicate a toast to him and his wife and 3 kids. At the wedding will be a coach or two that were mentors to him and helped him get his first job.

He will go onto to coach multiple sports teams and mentor many kids in his future... just for the love of it.

[Anonymous]

I am a parent who leans toward family first but some of y'all are awfully judgmental. To say that someone who would not choose the wedding first in all circumstances is a bad parent is plain stupid. There are great and bad parents in both groups. And then the whole "I am glad that MY family is not like that." Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven't followed all of this but thought I would add something. When I got married--later like you I would have been horrified if a nephew didn't attend. I am very close to my nephews and would have been upset. Thankfully they were too young to be in anything so competitive that it would have mattered. Now years later, I have different perspective and believe it not you may have different perspective in years with your own kids. If this is a sport where it is a big event (who cares boy or girl) then I would say they should go to that game and miss the wedding. Why? You have said you live far away because if in same town the child could have gone to the sporting event and then made part of the festivities--rehearsal dinner or reception but not the wedding or wedding and not the reception. This child is sort of boxed in because they have to fly across the country so this is a big production during the school year. Your sister may love you to pieces but she is being a good mom. She knows she is having one of her kids there to represent the family and her other child needs to be where he sports commitment is. I totally get. The people who say to bag probably don't have the understand of competitive sports--frankly though this could be a what if child was in a theatre production so the reality is if a child has a commitment to something and is learning follow through. It could be argued that if this family was the most important thing,you could choose to have a wedding in their town. You didn't because it didn't work for you..totally understand that but please understand that when you are flying people in, logistics can get in the way. Maybe find a way to celebrate with him this summer. Please do not let the stress of a wedding cloud your mind. This is how family wars start and it is not worth it.

+1 well said

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tournament trumps wedding, though sister should go to wedding.

(NP trying to catch up.)

This is so sad to me.

When you grow up you will realize this was NOT the most important day of your life.

+1

When did anyone (OP or a poster) say it was the most important day of anyone's life?? The point, which I think is obvious but apparently not, is whether a sports tournament is or can be or should be more important than a close family wedding. The wedding doesn't have to be the most important day of the person's life to think that a tournament shouldn't trump. The bride could place it in line with a number of important life events, like a 75th anniversary party for grandparents, like a bat mitvah of a sibling, like a parent's retirement party after decades of public service etc.

Can you rank those so we know your value system and implement those in our life. What is more important bat mitzvah of a sibling, wedding, bar mitvah of best friend, retirement parties, graduation parties, baptisms/bris, weddings, anniversary parties... did i miss something. See this is not the only event they have to manage around. There are tons and tons of family events going on. Every blue moon, it just doesn't work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One day that 14 year old - and the other "sports at all cost" 14 year olds will get married - and guess what - I bet nobody will think twice about blowing off their wedding(s). Because there's a great big difference between the all-me-all- the- time people and people that genuinely love and care about their family and friends. And I know this is true because everybody blew off one of my sisters 3 kids weddings because he grew up to be an entitled pompous ass and so was his wife. It was a packed house for the other two. End of story.

My guess is that he will have a huge wedding because he spend years fostering relationships with teammates. Long weekends in crappy hotels, trying to stay entertained between tournament games, sharing their Gatorade when their teammate forgot theirs.

He will have a hard time picking the best man since he has so many close friends.

They will all toast their friend who got cancer in high school and talk about the time the whole soccer team raised money for his recovery. They will dedicate a toast to him and his wife and 3 kids. At the wedding will be a coach or two that were mentors to him and helped him get his first job.

He will go onto to coach multiple sports teams and mentor many kids in his future... just for the love of it.

Lol. I hope this was sarcasm. People don't really think like that, do they?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One day that 14 year old - and the other "sports at all cost" 14 year olds will get married - and guess what - I bet nobody will think twice about blowing off their wedding(s). Because there's a great big difference between the all-me-all- the- time people and people that genuinely love and care about their family and friends. And I know this is true because everybody blew off one of my sisters 3 kids weddings because he grew up to be an entitled pompous ass and so was his wife. It was a packed house for the other two. End of story.

My guess is that he will have a huge wedding because he spend years fostering relationships with teammates. Long weekends in crappy hotels, trying to stay entertained between tournament games, sharing their Gatorade when their teammate forgot theirs.

He will have a hard time picking the best man since he has so many close friends.

They will all toast their friend who got cancer in high school and talk about the time the whole soccer team raised money for his recovery. They will dedicate a toast to him and his wife and 3 kids. At the wedding will be a coach or two that were mentors to him and helped him get his first job.

He will go onto to coach multiple sports teams and mentor many kids in his future... just for the love of it.

Lol. I hope this was sarcasm. People don't really think like that, do they?

No. It's not a joke. You think these kids don't have tons of relationships they foster every day. This is actually a true story from a wedding I attended 2 years ago, right after the story of how the mom locked the team out in the snow for 2 hours because they got her floors wet for the 10th time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a parent who leans toward family first but some of y'all are awfully judgmental. To say that someone who would not choose the wedding first in all circumstances is a bad parent is plain stupid. There are great and bad parents in both groups. And then the whole "I am glad that MY family is not like that." Come on.

+1000000
Everyone in a family is not going to be able to drop everything or move everything around for everyone else's events, especially in big families. Things are not so black and white, lots of grays. The most important this is extending understanding and if someone not coming to someone's wedding cancels out every other aspect of your past relationship, well that is amazing to me. My DH's grandmother could not make it to our wedding, I guess we should cut her out of our lives?

[Anonymous]

Obviously not a lot of Italians on this thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One day that 14 year old - and the other "sports at all cost" 14 year olds will get married - and guess what - I bet nobody will think twice about blowing off their wedding(s). Because there's a great big difference between the all-me-all- the- time people and people that genuinely love and care about their family and friends. And I know this is true because everybody blew off one of my sisters 3 kids weddings because he grew up to be an entitled pompous ass and so was his wife. It was a packed house for the other two. End of story.

My guess is that he will have a huge wedding because he spend years fostering relationships with teammates. Long weekends in crappy hotels, trying to stay entertained between tournament games, sharing their Gatorade when their teammate forgot theirs.

He will have a hard time picking the best man since he has so many close friends.

They will all toast their friend who got cancer in high school and talk about the time the whole soccer team raised money for his recovery. They will dedicate a toast to him and his wife and 3 kids. At the wedding will be a coach or two that were mentors to him and helped him get his first job.

He will go onto to coach multiple sports teams and mentor many kids in his future... just for the love of it.

Lol. I hope this was sarcasm. People don't really think like that, do they?

No. It's not a joke. You think these kids don't have tons of relationships they foster every day. This is actually a true story from a wedding I attended 2 years ago, right after the story of how the mom locked the team out in the snow for 2 hours because they got her floors wet for the 10th time.

Oh, I didn't realize missing an early season tournament would ban the kid from fostering life long friendships. (THAT was sarcasm.)

[Anonymous]

I skipped my little sister's wedding due to short notice and the travel was too expensive. My brother didn't attend my college graduation, he needed to work. Each of us lives some distance from the other, so we see each other when it's convenient which means we often miss birthdays and other important celebrations. My oldest child has participated in several prestigious competitions and no one outside of the immediate family has ever been able to attend. That doesn't mean they're cheering for him any less, or any less proud of him for how hard he's worked. It's unlikely I will make it to all or even most of my nieces and nephews college graduations.

I would not require my children to skip a performance/game/concert in order to attend a wedding. Perhaps if the child was in the chorus or 4th chair then I'd suggest they see if they could miss. If she's playing the part of Annie, she's committed to the performance and that's her obligation. If I erred and gave her the wrong date for the wedding, that's on me, not her. if she happens to have an understudy and wishes to miss the performance, she can discuss that with the director. Knowing the possible long-term fall out of that discussion, I'd recommend against it. Even if the director was a "family first! of course go to this wedding even though you're throwing the entire production into disarray!" you won't be able to convince me that that director won't think twice about casting my daughter again, who knows what other scheduling errors might occur? My son is the goalie on his club soccer team. While there are other kids who could play in a pinch, he's the goalie. Having him out for a game is a big deal. They don't expect him to play sick or injured, but there is a bit of a scale about what sick is. If he has pneumonia, he shouldn't be playing. If he has a cold? Get out there and play. Same thing with a performance. If my daughter's playing Annie? A sprained ankle isn't going to stop her. Noro virus would keep her home.

I suppose it's useful that my family members and I all seem to share a similar appreciation of everyone's priorities. My sister's wedding may well be the most important thing in the world to her. She recognizes that my daughter's musical role is of a similar level of importance to her.