Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One day that 14 year old - and the other "sports at all cost" 14 year olds will get married - and guess what - I bet nobody will think twice about blowing off their wedding(s). Because there's a great big difference between the all-me-all- the- time people and people that genuinely love and care about their family and friends. And I know this is true because everybody blew off one of my sisters 3 kids weddings because he grew up to be an entitled pompous ass and so was his wife. It was a packed house for the other two. End of story.

My guess is that he will have a huge wedding because he spend years fostering relationships with teammates. Long weekends in crappy hotels, trying to stay entertained between tournament games, sharing their Gatorade when their teammate forgot theirs.

He will have a hard time picking the best man since he has so many close friends.

They will all toast their friend who got cancer in high school and talk about the time the whole soccer team raised money for his recovery. They will dedicate a toast to him and his wife and 3 kids. At the wedding will be a coach or two that were mentors to him and helped him get his first job.

He will go onto to coach multiple sports teams and mentor many kids in his future... just for the love of it.

Yup. All of my kids played sports and did other extracurriculars at least through HS (2 played in college) as did a lot of people in my extended family - their choice. My kid's lifelong friends are the folks they met through their activities. They person who wrote the most glowing recc letter for my oldest daughter's application to an elite research grad program was her HS swim coach. When my mother died, EVERY single member of my DS' travel baseball team attended the funeral. When my youngest DD had her out of town college music school audition, her HS director and her 3 best friends from band went with us on their own dime to support her. I am not saying that these activities were more important than family, but there is no way I can minimize their impact on my kids.

Sports was never the be all and end all in our family but it has been a net positive experience for the extended family as a whole. Everyone sees how being involved in these activities has helped our kids on so many fronts. My kids would go to the wedding and have a ball and that would always be a memory for them. What will also be a memory is the time they played a championship game in front of 2000 people and 40 family members attended. Or the time my oldest DD played in the select youth jazz band for the first time and 25 family members showed up. That mutual family support would be the reason my kids would gladly attend the wedding. We support each other as an extended family. We do not tell any of them that their chosen activity is insignificant or belittle them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow. what an interesting debate. my kid is in KG, so i have no idea, but I thought that the OBVIOUS answer would have been that he skip the game.

Everything becomes less obvious as your children start to become their own people. If it isn't a soccer game it is something else. In the end, it is just a wedding. The bride got to decide when to have it and where to have it, and her guests get to decide if they can come. Her day won't be diminished by the loss of the kid. This answer goes for all kinds of reasons.

It would be nice if the kid could come, or wanted to come, but this just won't matter.

I don't agree with the highlight. To me it is,

In the end, it is just a pre-season tournament.

"just a wedding" isn't in our family's vocabulary and judging from many other parents here, I am glad I am in one of those "family" families

Your one of those families that go into debt for a party. Expect people to fly in pay for hotels they can't afford and make friends buy ugly dresses and dye shoes ridiculous colors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I think this thread has shown us that different families work differently. For those who didn't already know that, here you go. Try not to be so horrified that everyone doesn't do everything like you would.

OP here. I think this is my takeaway from this thread. So thank you everyone - it's a valuable takeway and helped me process and move through this.

I actually believe my sister is pretty darn consistent with me on how we view family and I think we both agree that celebratory family gatherings like this present a tremendous opportunity and reward. But somehow sports in her kids' lives seem to trump everything for her for whatever various reasons. I can't tell her how her nuclear family should work, even when it impacts others. I can just be disappointed for me, my partner, my mom, my dad, my grandmother and others who all want my niece to be there with us, and even for my niece (because I subscribe to the fact that these types of moments can be a thread in the beautiful fabric that is a family over the years; sorry for the cheese!). And even for my sister who I am sure wishes she would not have forgotten the tournament and could have her kid in both places. But it is what it is. I told my mom to smack me upside the head if in 14 years I end up with a different outlook. She said she absolutely would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One day that 14 year old - and the other "sports at all cost" 14 year olds will get married - and guess what - I bet nobody will think twice about blowing off their wedding(s). Because there's a great big difference between the all-me-all- the- time people and people that genuinely love and care about their family and friends. And I know this is true because everybody blew off one of my sisters 3 kids weddings because he grew up to be an entitled pompous ass and so was his wife. It was a packed house for the other two. End of story.

My guess is that he will have a huge wedding because he spend years fostering relationships with teammates. Long weekends in crappy hotels, trying to stay entertained between tournament games, sharing their Gatorade when their teammate forgot theirs.

He will have a hard time picking the best man since he has so many close friends.

They will all toast their friend who got cancer in high school and talk about the time the whole soccer team raised money for his recovery. They will dedicate a toast to him and his wife and 3 kids. At the wedding will be a coach or two that were mentors to him and helped him get his first job.

He will go onto to coach multiple sports teams and mentor many kids in his future... just for the love of it.

Lol. I hope this was sarcasm. People don't really think like that, do they?

No. It's not a joke. You think these kids don't have tons of relationships they foster every day. This is actually a true story from a wedding I attended 2 years ago, right after the story of how the mom locked the team out in the snow for 2 hours because they got her floors wet for the 10th time.

Oh, I didn't realize missing an early season tournament would ban the kid from fostering life long friendships. (THAT was sarcasm.)

and the baptism, and the birthdays, and Easter and mothers day, and fathers day and graduation parties... yes they sometime miss family stuff and sometimes they don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously not a lot of Italians on this thread

Italians here (well my H is)... I can't even keep track of who is not talking to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm waiting for the parents of preschoolers/babies to infiltrate this thread with their outrage.
Your sister is right. Your nephew can't miss this tournament.

The thing is, he really can, or its at least a possibility he can. AND continue to play the rest of the year, especially if the kid and parent give the coach plenty of notice. That's the key there, LOTS of notice and the kid continues to put in big effort at practice and other games as if he were still playing. I have 2 nephews in D1 football and one in D1 hockey. Their parents definitely had interesting values (sports over academics for one) but family was key and they missed nothing like this for sports, and honestly, it was so ingrained into them that they would honestly be upset to miss things like this almost as much as missing a tourney weekend. But we have that kind of very close family too.

In some cases, yes, missing the tourney would be bad news for the rest of the year, but to act like that is the case all or even most of the time is silly. There are plenty of coaches at even the highest levels that "get" that team members are members of families and society too, not just their team. Notice and communication are key

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One day that 14 year old - and the other "sports at all cost" 14 year olds will get married - and guess what - I bet nobody will think twice about blowing off their wedding(s). Because there's a great big difference between the all-me-all- the- time people and people that genuinely love and care about their family and friends. And I know this is true because everybody blew off one of my sisters 3 kids weddings because he grew up to be an entitled pompous ass and so was his wife. It was a packed house for the other two. End of story.

My guess is that he will have a huge wedding because he spend years fostering relationships with teammates. Long weekends in crappy hotels, trying to stay entertained between tournament games, sharing their Gatorade when their teammate forgot theirs.

He will have a hard time picking the best man since he has so many close friends.

They will all toast their friend who got cancer in high school and talk about the time the whole soccer team raised money for his recovery. They will dedicate a toast to him and his wife and 3 kids. At the wedding will be a coach or two that were mentors to him and helped him get his first job.

He will go onto to coach multiple sports teams and mentor many kids in his future... just for the love of it.

Lol. I hope this was sarcasm. People don't really think like that, do they?

No. It's not a joke. You think these kids don't have tons of relationships they foster every day. This is actually a true story from a wedding I attended 2 years ago, right after the story of how the mom locked the team out in the snow for 2 hours because they got her floors wet for the 10th time.

I tend to agree with this assessment of the future, but I also agree that many of these people are the kind of people that only hang out with other like minded people. They may raise money for the kid with cancer on the team, but not the kid who lives down the street who also has cancer but isn't into sports. They are caring towards their friends who are just like themselves. They mentor other players as adults because they love playing a game, know how to coach, and want their own children to succeed. They are the parents who leave local teams for travel teams as early as possible. They think anything that doesn't involve sports is a waste of time. I admire the dedication of these kids and adults toward their sport, but I'm also struck by how single minded they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One day that 14 year old - and the other "sports at all cost" 14 year olds will get married - and guess what - I bet nobody will think twice about blowing off their wedding(s). Because there's a great big difference between the all-me-all- the- time people and people that genuinely love and care about their family and friends. And I know this is true because everybody blew off one of my sisters 3 kids weddings because he grew up to be an entitled pompous ass and so was his wife. It was a packed house for the other two. End of story.

My guess is that he will have a huge wedding because he spend years fostering relationships with teammates. Long weekends in crappy hotels, trying to stay entertained between tournament games, sharing their Gatorade when their teammate forgot theirs.
He will have a hard time picking the best man since he has so many close friends.
They will all toast their friend who got cancer in high school and talk about the time the whole soccer team raised money for his recovery. They will dedicate a toast to him and his wife and 3 kids. At the wedding will be a coach or two that were mentors to him and helped him get his first job.
He will go onto to coach multiple sports teams and mentor many kids in his future... just for the love of it.

Lol this must be what nutty parents think will happen to justify the nuttiness. I played sports my entire life and through college at a D1 school and it was great, but this is quite the romanticized version of it. I was also in a sorority, travelled abroad, etc., and all of that was great too and I am sure contributed to who I am. So did my dad's sarcastic sense of humor and my ingrained family ethos that we show up for each other. Sports can be a piece of a puzzle, but it's not the whole puzzle. And, a lot of people have shitty sports experiences and would be better off having just foregone it. Or sports just weren't that influential (e.g., they sat the bench, didn't get too much joy from it, and never really played again post-high school). I have friends like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One day that 14 year old - and the other "sports at all cost" 14 year olds will get married - and guess what - I bet nobody will think twice about blowing off their wedding(s). Because there's a great big difference between the all-me-all- the- time people and people that genuinely love and care about their family and friends. And I know this is true because everybody blew off one of my sisters 3 kids weddings because he grew up to be an entitled pompous ass and so was his wife. It was a packed house for the other two. End of story.

My guess is that he will have a huge wedding because he spend years fostering relationships with teammates. Long weekends in crappy hotels, trying to stay entertained between tournament games, sharing their Gatorade when their teammate forgot theirs.

He will have a hard time picking the best man since he has so many close friends.

They will all toast their friend who got cancer in high school and talk about the time the whole soccer team raised money for his recovery. They will dedicate a toast to him and his wife and 3 kids. At the wedding will be a coach or two that were mentors to him and helped him get his first job.

He will go onto to coach multiple sports teams and mentor many kids in his future... just for the love of it.

I agree it's a balance. You give to sports, it gives back. You give to family, it gives back. Skip the cousin's 23rd bday party, but attend the aunt's wedding. Skip the routine game, but attend the state championship.

Yup. All of my kids played sports and did other extracurriculars at least through HS (2 played in college) as did a lot of people in my extended family - their choice. My kid's lifelong friends are the folks they met through their activities. They person who wrote the most glowing recc letter for my oldest daughter's application to an elite research grad program was her HS swim coach. When my mother died, EVERY single member of my DS' travel baseball team attended the funeral. When my youngest DD had her out of town college music school audition, her HS director and her 3 best friends from band went with us on their own dime to support her. I am not saying that these activities were more important than family, but there is no way I can minimize their impact on my kids.

Sports was never the be all and end all in our family but it has been a net positive experience for the extended family as a whole. Everyone sees how being involved in these activities has helped our kids on so many fronts. My kids would go to the wedding and have a ball and that would always be a memory for them. What will also be a memory is the time they played a championship game in front of 2000 people and 40 family members attended. Or the time my oldest DD played in the select youth jazz band for the first time and 25 family members showed up. That mutual family support would be the reason my kids would gladly attend the wedding. We support each other as an extended family. We do not tell any of them that their chosen activity is insignificant or belittle them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One day that 14 year old - and the other "sports at all cost" 14 year olds will get married - and guess what - I bet nobody will think twice about blowing off their wedding(s). Because there's a great big difference between the all-me-all- the- time people and people that genuinely love and care about their family and friends. And I know this is true because everybody blew off one of my sisters 3 kids weddings because he grew up to be an entitled pompous ass and so was his wife. It was a packed house for the other two. End of story.

My guess is that he will have a huge wedding because he spend years fostering relationships with teammates. Long weekends in crappy hotels, trying to stay entertained between tournament games, sharing their Gatorade when their teammate forgot theirs.

He will have a hard time picking the best man since he has so many close friends.

They will all toast their friend who got cancer in high school and talk about the time the whole soccer team raised money for his recovery. They will dedicate a toast to him and his wife and 3 kids. At the wedding will be a coach or two that were mentors to him and helped him get his first job.

He will go onto to coach multiple sports teams and mentor many kids in his future... just for the love of it.

Yup. All of my kids played sports and did other extracurriculars at least through HS (2 played in college) as did a lot of people in my extended family - their choice. My kid's lifelong friends are the folks they met through their activities. They person who wrote the most glowing recc letter for my oldest daughter's application to an elite research grad program was her HS swim coach. When my mother died, EVERY single member of my DS' travel baseball team attended the funeral. When my youngest DD had her out of town college music school audition, her HS director and her 3 best friends from band went with us on their own dime to support her. I am not saying that these activities were more important than family, but there is no way I can minimize their impact on my kids.

Sports was never the be all and end all in our family but it has been a net positive experience for the extended family as a whole. Everyone sees how being involved in these activities has helped our kids on so many fronts. My kids would go to the wedding and have a ball and that would always be a memory for them. What will also be a memory is the time they played a championship game in front of 2000 people and 40 family members attended. Or the time my oldest DD played in the select youth jazz band for the first time and 25 family members showed up. That mutual family support would be the reason my kids would gladly attend the wedding. We support each other as an extended family. We do not tell any of them that their chosen activity is insignificant or belittle them.

I agree it's a balance. You give to sports, it gives back. You give to family, it gives back. Skip the cousin's 23rd bday party, but attend the aunt's wedding. Skip the routine game, but attend the state championship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One day that 14 year old - and the other "sports at all cost" 14 year olds will get married - and guess what - I bet nobody will think twice about blowing off their wedding(s). Because there's a great big difference between the all-me-all- the- time people and people that genuinely love and care about their family and friends. And I know this is true because everybody blew off one of my sisters 3 kids weddings because he grew up to be an entitled pompous ass and so was his wife. It was a packed house for the other two. End of story.

My guess is that he will have a huge wedding because he spend years fostering relationships with teammates. Long weekends in crappy hotels, trying to stay entertained between tournament games, sharing their Gatorade when their teammate forgot theirs.

He will have a hard time picking the best man since he has so many close friends.

They will all toast their friend who got cancer in high school and talk about the time the whole soccer team raised money for his recovery. They will dedicate a toast to him and his wife and 3 kids. At the wedding will be a coach or two that were mentors to him and helped him get his first job.

He will go onto to coach multiple sports teams and mentor many kids in his future... just for the love of it.

Lol. I hope this was sarcasm. People don't really think like that, do they?

Yea... I think the "all me all the time" for missing 1 family event and everybody blowing of his wedding must be sarcasm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One day that 14 year old - and the other "sports at all cost" 14 year olds will get married - and guess what - I bet nobody will think twice about blowing off their wedding(s). Because there's a great big difference between the all-me-all- the- time people and people that genuinely love and care about their family and friends. And I know this is true because everybody blew off one of my sisters 3 kids weddings because he grew up to be an entitled pompous ass and so was his wife. It was a packed house for the other two. End of story.

My guess is that he will have a huge wedding because he spend years fostering relationships with teammates. Long weekends in crappy hotels, trying to stay entertained between tournament games, sharing their Gatorade when their teammate forgot theirs.
He will have a hard time picking the best man since he has so many close friends.
They will all toast their friend who got cancer in high school and talk about the time the whole soccer team raised money for his recovery. They will dedicate a toast to him and his wife and 3 kids. At the wedding will be a coach or two that were mentors to him and helped him get his first job.
He will go onto to coach multiple sports teams and mentor many kids in his future... just for the love of it.

Lol this must be what nutty parents think will happen to justify the nuttiness. I played sports my entire life and through college at a D1 school and it was great, but this is quite the romanticized version of it. I was also in a sorority, travelled abroad, etc., and all of that was great too and I am sure contributed to who I am. So did my dad's sarcastic sense of humor and my ingrained family ethos that we show up for each other. Sports can be a piece of a puzzle, but it's not the whole puzzle. And, a lot of people have shitty sports experiences and would be better off having just foregone it. Or sports just weren't that influential (e.g., they sat the bench, didn't get too much joy from it, and never really played again post-high school). I have friends like this.

Sports is not the whole puzzle but neither is the Aunt he sees once a year.

The kid will have many people in his life regardless or missing this one family event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I think this thread has shown us that different families work differently. For those who didn't already know that, here you go. Try not to be so horrified that everyone doesn't do everything like you would.

OP here. I think this is my takeaway from this thread. So thank you everyone - it's a valuable takeway and helped me process and move through this.

I actually believe my sister is pretty darn consistent with me on how we view family and I think we both agree that celebratory family gatherings like this present a tremendous opportunity and reward. But somehow sports in her kids' lives seem to trump everything for her for whatever various reasons. I can't tell her how her nuclear family should work, even when it impacts others. I can just be disappointed for me, my partner, my mom, my dad, my grandmother and others who all want my niece to be there with us, and even for my niece (because I subscribe to the fact that these types of moments can be a thread in the beautiful fabric that is a family over the years; sorry for the cheese!). And even for my sister who I am sure wishes she would not have forgotten the tournament and could have her kid in both places. But it is what it is. I told my mom to smack me upside the head if in 14 years I end up with a different outlook. She said she absolutely would.

Wow -- thanks for the passive aggressive morally superior update

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I think this thread has shown us that different families work differently. For those who didn't already know that, here you go. Try not to be so horrified that everyone doesn't do everything like you would.

OP here. I think this is my takeaway from this thread. So thank you everyone - it's a valuable takeway and helped me process and move through this.

I actually believe my sister is pretty darn consistent with me on how we view family and I think we both agree that celebratory family gatherings like this present a tremendous opportunity and reward. But somehow sports in her kids' lives seem to trump everything for her for whatever various reasons. I can't tell her how her nuclear family should work, even when it impacts others. I can just be disappointed for me, my partner, my mom, my dad, my grandmother and others who all want my niece to be there with us, and even for my niece (because I subscribe to the fact that these types of moments can be a thread in the beautiful fabric that is a family over the years; sorry for the cheese!). And even for my sister who I am sure wishes she would not have forgotten the tournament and could have her kid in both places. But it is what it is. I told my mom to smack me upside the head if in 14 years I end up with a different outlook. She said she absolutely would.

You will think differently in 14 years.... and if you mom is a good mom, she will let the lesson just be learned and not smack you upside the head.

There are tons of things you will do in the next 40 years that your 40 year old self can't imagine you would do.

Good luck with the next 60+ years, it will be educational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I think this thread has shown us that different families work differently. For those who didn't already know that, here you go. Try not to be so horrified that everyone doesn't do everything like you would.

OP here. I think this is my takeaway from this thread. So thank you everyone - it's a valuable takeway and helped me process and move through this.

I actually believe my sister is pretty darn consistent with me on how we view family and I think we both agree that celebratory family gatherings like this present a tremendous opportunity and reward. But somehow sports in her kids' lives seem to trump everything for her for whatever various reasons. I can't tell her how her nuclear family should work, even when it impacts others. I can just be disappointed for me, my partner, my mom, my dad, my grandmother and others who all want my niece to be there with us, and even for my niece (because I subscribe to the fact that these types of moments can be a thread in the beautiful fabric that is a family over the years; sorry for the cheese!). And even for my sister who I am sure wishes she would not have forgotten the tournament and could have her kid in both places. But it is what it is. I told my mom to smack me upside the head if in 14 years I end up with a different outlook. She said she absolutely would.

Don't you mean nephew?