When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well sorry that both of your kids were the 1 in a million kind that might have actually needed 24x7 parental care. If you are such the outlier exception case, why are you posting here? Because your experience does not seem relevant to the normal situations that were being discussed.

I'm not OP by the way. And I get laid 2x per week. Happy that in motivated you to spend some quality time with H.

So anyone who deviates from the norm isn't allowed to post in DCUM? Ummm, what in the hell? If thats the case why are YOU here?

you didn't get the memo - only MOMs and of those, only the ones who subscribe to the united way of thinking are permitted to post, let alone access this site.

All hail the queen and her merry band of followers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's selfish in the sense that, beyond a certain point, such a mom isn't motivated by the reasonable needs of the child. She's responding to resolve her own anxiety about being a good mom or respond to what she perceives as social expectations about being a good mom and not being a bad mom who is, for example, shunned by the other neighborhood mommies. (Maybe she's trying to avoid the disapproving looks when other mothers find out that she has not taught Junior baby sign language or that she's not preparing her own organic baby food.)

She might get social status or the benefits of martyrdom from overdoing the mothering in way that she doesn't get from doing a reasonable amount of mothering and paying attention to their spouses.

Or maybe, just maybe, she (drumroll please) cares about the kids? You have no way of looking inside her head and knowing that she has some other motivation. And trust me, a cruel, assuming-the-negative attitude like that will turn no one on.

Almost all of us care about the kids. That prompts us to give them what they need. Some parents, usually moms, let this care morph into something all-consuming. First couple of months - sure. After that, the kids' reasonable needs do not require a mom who is focused on nothing else. If she is focused entirely on the kids, it's not a selfless thing she does for them. There's something she's getting out of the deal -- e.g. martyrdom, social status, a handy excuse to block out other parts of her life she'd rather not be bothered with. Something.

I'm a mom to two teens, and I completely agree with this. Why do you think some moms keep having kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Or maybe, just maybe, she (drumroll please) cares about the kids? You have no way of looking inside her head and knowing that she has some other motivation. And trust me, a cruel, assuming-the-negative attitude like that will turn no one on.

It is entirely possible to care about the kids, even to spoil them rotten, and STILL have time/energy left over to maintain a relationship with one's spouse. That should include regular sex.

Doesn't much matter what her motives are, it's her selfish action that dooms such a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Marriage (and parenting) will eat your fucking soul eventually. And any "happy" marriage is nothing more than one that outlasts the ones that imploded. Yay, we made it! Talk about a race to nowhere.

Show me a "happy" marriage and I'll show you a relationship where at least one (probably two) of the partners is sticking it out and suffering in silence, especially if there are children involved. All you mommies who think everything's a-ok living your little rich white suburban life: I guarantee you not a day goes by that daddy doesn't wonder how in the fuck he's gonna make it another forty mother.fucking.years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage (and parenting) will eat your fucking soul eventually. And any "happy" marriage is nothing more than one that outlasts the ones that imploded. Yay, we made it! Talk about a race to nowhere.

Show me a "happy" marriage and I'll show you a relationship where at least one (probably two) of the partners is sticking it out and suffering in silence, especially if there are children involved. All you mommies who think everything's a-ok living your little rich white suburban life: I guarantee you not a day goes by that daddy doesn't wonder how in the fuck he's gonna make it another forty mother.fucking.years.

Not you again. You really need to go to a psychiatrist before you explode. Seriously, get some help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage (and parenting) will eat your fucking soul eventually. And any "happy" marriage is nothing more than one that outlasts the ones that imploded. Yay, we made it! Talk about a race to nowhere.

Show me a "happy" marriage and I'll show you a relationship where at least one (probably two) of the partners is sticking it out and suffering in silence, especially if there are children involved. All you mommies who think everything's a-ok living your little rich white suburban life: I guarantee you not a day goes by that daddy doesn't wonder how in the fuck he's gonna make it another forty mother.fucking.years.

Wrong. Just because it's that way for you doesn't mean it's that way for everyone. You appear to have made some really bad choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Or maybe, just maybe, she (drumroll please) cares about the kids? You have no way of looking inside her head and knowing that she has some other motivation. And trust me, a cruel, assuming-the-negative attitude like that will turn no one on.

It is entirely possible to care about the kids, even to spoil them rotten, and STILL have time/energy left over to maintain a relationship with one's spouse. That should include regular sex.

Doesn't much matter what her motives are, it's her selfish action that dooms such a marriage.

You really can't have it both ways. If you call it "selfish" then you are speculating as to her motives. For most women who are in that predicament, you'd be wrong. For the period of time when I was solely focused on kids to the exclusion of all else, it had nothing to do with anything selfish. I didn't care what other moms thought of me, and I certainly wasn't looking for any prizes. I was trying to do my best for my tough kids in a tough situation, and I was very afraid of letting my kids down. I agree with you that energy and time needs to be devoted to the marriage, but really disagree with the ridiculous assertion that when the mom is overly focused (in your opinion) on the kids, it's out of some selfish impulse. You're really doing some mental gymnastics to get to that point just so you can make it "her fault", which is really unproductive anyway.
We turned it around and are MUCH better now, but if my DH had told me I was just being selfish, I wouldn't have wanted to try with him and we wouldn't be where we are. I would have hated him for judging me that way and felt like he didn't get me at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Or maybe, just maybe, she (drumroll please) cares about the kids? You have no way of looking inside her head and knowing that she has some other motivation. And trust me, a cruel, assuming-the-negative attitude like that will turn no one on.

It is entirely possible to care about the kids, even to spoil them rotten, and STILL have time/energy left over to maintain a relationship with one's spouse. That should include regular sex.

Doesn't much matter what her motives are, it's her selfish action that dooms such a marriage.

people make time for the things they want to do. end of story. if you really want to do something or spend the time with someone, you find a way.

[Anonymous]

I was like OP's wife for a long time because even though DH thought he was stepping up to the plate, he really wasn't. I was the default parent, despite also having a full-time job. I was also the one who did the pick ups, cooking, shopping, bathing and most bedtimes. DH thought that because he was bringing home a pay check, played with the kids a few minutes a day (after he got home from work at 8pm), and bought me presents for my birthday, he was a great husband and dad. He just did not get all the million things I kept in my head and on the calendar to keep the house running and the kids clothed, fed, educated, healthy, and entertained.

Yes, so I had very little energy emotional or physical for my husband. He just didn't observe or try to take over all the hundreds of things I did or appreciate the fact that I could not spend another 20 minutes at work responding to emails because I had to get the kids from school and start dinner.

After many arguments and the decision to hire a housekeeper and a nanny (both of whom I manage, by the way), I am happier. DH has stepped up, but is still far from an equal partner.

OP, I suggest that you figure out why your wife is unhappy. She may not want to talk to you because she is afraid, as I was, that whenever she brought up her unhappiness she would get yelled at about how much fathers are unappreciated. But JUST LISTEN. ABSORB. DO NOT GET DEFENSIVE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage (and parenting) will eat your fucking soul eventually. And any "happy" marriage is nothing more than one that outlasts the ones that imploded. Yay, we made it! Talk about a race to nowhere.

Show me a "happy" marriage and I'll show you a relationship where at least one (probably two) of the partners is sticking it out and suffering in silence, especially if there are children involved. All you mommies who think everything's a-ok living your little rich white suburban life: I guarantee you not a day goes by that daddy doesn't wonder how in the fuck he's gonna make it another forty mother.fucking.years.

And then he gets prostate cancer and thanks his lucky stars he stayed. Because you know... if you live long enough... your prostate will eventually turn on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was like OP's wife for a long time because even though DH thought he was stepping up to the plate, he really wasn't. I was the default parent, despite also having a full-time job. I was also the one who did the pick ups, cooking, shopping, bathing and most bedtimes. DH thought that because he was bringing home a pay check, played with the kids a few minutes a day (after he got home from work at 8pm), and bought me presents for my birthday, he was a great husband and dad. He just did not get all the million things I kept in my head and on the calendar to keep the house running and the kids clothed, fed, educated, healthy, and entertained.

Yes, so I had very little energy emotional or physical for my husband. He just didn't observe or try to take over all the hundreds of things I did or appreciate the fact that I could not spend another 20 minutes at work responding to emails because I had to get the kids from school and start dinner.

After many arguments and the decision to hire a housekeeper and a nanny (both of whom I manage, by the way), I am happier. DH has stepped up, but is still far from an equal partner.

OP, I suggest that you figure out why your wife is unhappy. She may not want to talk to you because she is afraid, as I was, that whenever she brought up her unhappiness she would get yelled at about how much fathers are unappreciated. But JUST LISTEN. ABSORB. DO NOT GET DEFENSIVE.

X2. But op cannot understand this and this is why he keeps posting under various personalities, the latest of which is a "mom". He wants to argue for days on end, but take a step back and analyze his behavior? Hello no!

Anyway, I so agree with you. That's why if anyone tried to take my feelings and shove them to the side while lecturing me about how fathers are "unappreciated" (which I totally disagree with- fathers are practically deified in our culture even when they do barely anything for the kids/wife) I would laugh in his face. I'm glad you've figured out a system that works for you though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage (and parenting) will eat your fucking soul eventually. And any "happy" marriage is nothing more than one that outlasts the ones that imploded. Yay, we made it! Talk about a race to nowhere.

Show me a "happy" marriage and I'll show you a relationship where at least one (probably two) of the partners is sticking it out and suffering in silence, especially if there are children involved. All you mommies who think everything's a-ok living your little rich white suburban life: I guarantee you not a day goes by that daddy doesn't wonder how in the fuck he's gonna make it another forty mother.fucking.years.

And then he gets prostate cancer and thanks his lucky stars he stayed. Because you know... if you live long enough... your prostate will eventually turn on you.

Because as everyone knows, one of the many sweet reasons to stay married is to ensure that we have someone to wipe our ass as our bodies crumble into dust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woah...OP really steuck a nerve. 13 pages.

Me thinks many of you who are so upset are the spouse who is dead between the legs.

Actually, no. We have a great sex life, now. But for 2-3 years when the kids were little? Nope. Good when it happened, but not nearly frequent enough -- and it WAS me saying no. But thank GOD my DH is nothing like these losers spouting their childish, selfish, pathetic misogynistic crap. I could never respect someone like that. He saw it as our problem, and worked to try to help me get back to where we needed to be. Just like I worked with him when he had a hard time in another area of life. How do you not take care of the mother of your children? What kind of man behaves like that? She's going through something, so you bail. Nice vows. That's not a man. THat's not even an adult.

His kids are in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. They are not little.

How do you not take care of your spouse at all? Does his emotional needs mean NOTHING.

I stand by my statement, but modify it to

Woah...OP really struck a nerve. 18 pages.

Me thinks many of you who are so upset are the spouse who is dead between the legs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woah...OP really steuck a nerve. 13 pages.

Me thinks many of you who are so upset are the spouse who is dead between the legs.

Actually, no. We have a great sex life, now. But for 2-3 years when the kids were little? Nope. Good when it happened, but not nearly frequent enough -- and it WAS me saying no. But thank GOD my DH is nothing like these losers spouting their childish, selfish, pathetic misogynistic crap. I could never respect someone like that. He saw it as our problem, and worked to try to help me get back to where we needed to be. Just like I worked with him when he had a hard time in another area of life. How do you not take care of the mother of your children? What kind of man behaves like that? She's going through something, so you bail. Nice vows. That's not a man. THat's not even an adult.

His kids are in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. They are not little.

How do you not take care of your spouse at all? Does his emotional needs mean NOTHING.

I stand by my statement, but modify it to

Woah...OP really struck a nerve. 18 pages.

Me thinks many of you who are so upset are the spouse who is dead between the legs

You already made that dead between the legs jibe and no one cared then and no one cares now.

[Anonymous]

Everybody thinks they have it worse. Some of them actually do have it worse.