When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage (and parenting) will eat your fucking soul eventually. And any "happy" marriage is nothing more than one that outlasts the ones that imploded. Yay, we made it! Talk about a race to nowhere.

Show me a "happy" marriage and I'll show you a relationship where at least one (probably two) of the partners is sticking it out and suffering in silence, especially if there are children involved. All you mommies who think everything's a-ok living your little rich white suburban life: I guarantee you not a day goes by that daddy doesn't wonder how in the fuck he's gonna make it another forty mother.fucking.years.

And then he gets prostate cancer and thanks his lucky stars he stayed. Because you know... if you live long enough... your prostate will eventually turn on you.

Haha! My dad's 90 and has been afraid of this all his adult life. He has been well-cared for by his family through his various health problems since his sixties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really can't have it both ways. If you call it "selfish" then you are speculating as to her motives. For most women who are in that predicament, you'd be wrong. For the period of time when I was solely focused on kids to the exclusion of all else, it had nothing to do with anything selfish. I didn't care what other moms thought of me, and I certainly wasn't looking for any prizes. I was trying to do my best for my tough kids in a tough situation, and I was very afraid of letting my kids down. I agree with you that energy and time needs to be devoted to the marriage, but really disagree with the ridiculous assertion that when the mom is overly focused (in your opinion) on the kids, it's out of some selfish impulse. You're really doing some mental gymnastics to get to that point just so you can make it "her fault", which is really unproductive anyway.
We turned it around and are MUCH better now, but if my DH had told me I was just being selfish, I wouldn't have wanted to try with him and we wouldn't be where we are. I would have hated him for judging me that way and felt like he didn't get me at all.

The part in bold there. Please explain exactly what about your kids required your exclusive focus for any period of time. Educate me. Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really can't have it both ways. If you call it "selfish" then you are speculating as to her motives. For most women who are in that predicament, you'd be wrong. For the period of time when I was solely focused on kids to the exclusion of all else, it had nothing to do with anything selfish. I didn't care what other moms thought of me, and I certainly wasn't looking for any prizes. I was trying to do my best for my tough kids in a tough situation, and I was very afraid of letting my kids down. I agree with you that energy and time needs to be devoted to the marriage, but really disagree with the ridiculous assertion that when the mom is overly focused (in your opinion) on the kids, it's out of some selfish impulse. You're really doing some mental gymnastics to get to that point just so you can make it "her fault", which is really unproductive anyway.
We turned it around and are MUCH better now, but if my DH had told me I was just being selfish, I wouldn't have wanted to try with him and we wouldn't be where we are. I would have hated him for judging me that way and felt like he didn't get me at all.

The part in bold there. Please explain exactly what about your kids required your exclusive focus for any period of time. Educate me. Please.

Please explain why your needs should come before those of small children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really can't have it both ways. If you call it "selfish" then you are speculating as to her motives. For most women who are in that predicament, you'd be wrong. For the period of time when I was solely focused on kids to the exclusion of all else, it had nothing to do with anything selfish. I didn't care what other moms thought of me, and I certainly wasn't looking for any prizes. I was trying to do my best for my tough kids in a tough situation, and I was very afraid of letting my kids down. I agree with you that energy and time needs to be devoted to the marriage, but really disagree with the ridiculous assertion that when the mom is overly focused (in your opinion) on the kids, it's out of some selfish impulse. You're really doing some mental gymnastics to get to that point just so you can make it "her fault", which is really unproductive anyway.
We turned it around and are MUCH better now, but if my DH had told me I was just being selfish, I wouldn't have wanted to try with him and we wouldn't be where we are. I would have hated him for judging me that way and felt like he didn't get me at all.

The part in bold there. Please explain exactly what about your kids required your exclusive focus for any period of time. Educate me. Please.

Please explain why your needs should come before those of small children.

what do your kids need when they are asleep or at school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage (and parenting) will eat your fucking soul eventually. And any "happy" marriage is nothing more than one that outlasts the ones that imploded. Yay, we made it! Talk about a race to nowhere.

Show me a "happy" marriage and I'll show you a relationship where at least one (probably two) of the partners is sticking it out and suffering in silence, especially if there are children involved. All you mommies who think everything's a-ok living your little rich white suburban life: I guarantee you not a day goes by that daddy doesn't wonder how in the fuck he's gonna make it another forty mother.fucking.years.

You are a miserable fuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage (and parenting) will eat your fucking soul eventually. And any "happy" marriage is nothing more than one that outlasts the ones that imploded. Yay, we made it! Talk about a race to nowhere.

Show me a "happy" marriage and I'll show you a relationship where at least one (probably two) of the partners is sticking it out and suffering in silence, especially if there are children involved. All you mommies who think everything's a-ok living your little rich white suburban life: I guarantee you not a day goes by that daddy doesn't wonder how in the fuck he's gonna make it another forty mother.fucking.years.

And then he gets prostate cancer and thanks his lucky stars he stayed. Because you know... if you live long enough... your prostate will eventually turn on you.

Because as everyone knows, one of the many sweet reasons to stay married is to ensure that we have someone to wipe our ass as our bodies crumble into dust.

It's why men stay married, they know they are going first... and here is a nice little bit of information. Wives of 2nd marriages are more likely to cut out of the marriage and drop their husbands at their kids house when the going get rough, 1st wives will nurse their husbands to the bitter end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woah...OP really steuck a nerve. 13 pages.

Me thinks many of you who are so upset are the spouse who is dead between the legs.

Actually, no. We have a great sex life, now. But for 2-3 years when the kids were little? Nope. Good when it happened, but not nearly frequent enough -- and it WAS me saying no. But thank GOD my DH is nothing like these losers spouting their childish, selfish, pathetic misogynistic crap. I could never respect someone like that. He saw it as our problem, and worked to try to help me get back to where we needed to be. Just like I worked with him when he had a hard time in another area of life. How do you not take care of the mother of your children? What kind of man behaves like that? She's going through something, so you bail. Nice vows. That's not a man. THat's not even an adult.

His kids are in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. They are not little.

How do you not take care of your spouse at all? Does his emotional needs mean NOTHING.

I stand by my statement, but modify it to

Woah...OP really struck a nerve. 18 pages.

Me thinks many of you who are so upset are the spouse who is dead between the legs

Then you'd still be wrong. And why isn't he taking care of his spouse's emotional needs? Because clearly he isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really can't have it both ways. If you call it "selfish" then you are speculating as to her motives. For most women who are in that predicament, you'd be wrong. For the period of time when I was solely focused on kids to the exclusion of all else, it had nothing to do with anything selfish. I didn't care what other moms thought of me, and I certainly wasn't looking for any prizes. I was trying to do my best for my tough kids in a tough situation, and I was very afraid of letting my kids down. I agree with you that energy and time needs to be devoted to the marriage, but really disagree with the ridiculous assertion that when the mom is overly focused (in your opinion) on the kids, it's out of some selfish impulse. You're really doing some mental gymnastics to get to that point just so you can make it "her fault", which is really unproductive anyway.
We turned it around and are MUCH better now, but if my DH had told me I was just being selfish, I wouldn't have wanted to try with him and we wouldn't be where we are. I would have hated him for judging me that way and felt like he didn't get me at all.

The part in bold there. Please explain exactly what about your kids required your exclusive focus for any period of time. Educate me. Please.

I did already, up thread. Not interested in your opinion anyway. My DH and I were on the same page on what the kids needed. So was anyone else who knew us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really can't have it both ways. If you call it "selfish" then you are speculating as to her motives. For most women who are in that predicament, you'd be wrong. For the period of time when I was solely focused on kids to the exclusion of all else, it had nothing to do with anything selfish. I didn't care what other moms thought of me, and I certainly wasn't looking for any prizes. I was trying to do my best for my tough kids in a tough situation, and I was very afraid of letting my kids down. I agree with you that energy and time needs to be devoted to the marriage, but really disagree with the ridiculous assertion that when the mom is overly focused (in your opinion) on the kids, it's out of some selfish impulse. You're really doing some mental gymnastics to get to that point just so you can make it "her fault", which is really unproductive anyway.
We turned it around and are MUCH better now, but if my DH had told me I was just being selfish, I wouldn't have wanted to try with him and we wouldn't be where we are. I would have hated him for judging me that way and felt like he didn't get me at all.

The part in bold there. Please explain exactly what about your kids required your exclusive focus for any period of time. Educate me. Please.

Please explain why your needs should come before those of small children.

what do your kids need when they are asleep or at school?

Are you daft? I am at work when they're at school. When they sleep, I do chores, exercise, and sleep. These days I also hang out with DH. Back when one of them was always sick or not sleeping, that wasn't an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please explain why your needs should come before those of small children.

Who said anything about my needs come before those of small children ?
Because that suggests that some childcare need is going unmet, but that is not the case at all.
Every single reasonable need of the kids is being met.
And there is plenty of time left over for her needs and mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please explain why your needs should come before those of small children.

Who said anything about my needs come before those of small children ?
Because that suggests that some childcare need is going unmet, but that is not the case at all.
Every single reasonable need of the kids is being met.
And there is plenty of time left over for her needs and mine.

Are you meeting your wife's needs? Do you even know what they really are? Are you meeting your kids's needs? Or do you expect your wife to manage all of those needs (ie, do you know what need to be fed at what age? What size clothes and shoes they wear? When they need their nails trimmed? Do y have the schools' phone numbers on your cell phone? Do you know when their next check up at the peds office is due? Do you schedule those appointments, or do you expect your wife to know those?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please explain why your needs should come before those of small children.

Who said anything about my needs come before those of small children ?
Because that suggests that some childcare need is going unmet, but that is not the case at all.
Every single reasonable need of the kids is being met.
And there is plenty of time left over for her needs and mine.

Sure. Because you are the judge and jury of what the "reasonable" needs of the children are. If your wife think they need more from her than you think, she's just wrong and you're just right. Got it. You are awful

[Anonymous]

John Gottman has done some fantastic work with marriages on the ropes. He has published a number of books on saving marriages.

You might want to check him out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woah...OP really steuck a nerve. 13 pages.

Me thinks many of you who are so upset are the spouse who is dead between the legs.

Actually, no. We have a great sex life, now. But for 2-3 years when the kids were little? Nope. Good when it happened, but not nearly frequent enough -- and it WAS me saying no. But thank GOD my DH is nothing like these losers spouting their childish, selfish, pathetic misogynistic crap. I could never respect someone like that. He saw it as our problem, and worked to try to help me get back to where we needed to be. Just like I worked with him when he had a hard time in another area of life. How do you not take care of the mother of your children? What kind of man behaves like that? She's going through something, so you bail. Nice vows. That's not a man. THat's not even an adult.

His kids are in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. They are not little.

How do you not take care of your spouse at all? Does his emotional needs mean NOTHING.

I stand by my statement, but modify it to

Woah...OP really struck a nerve. 18 pages.

Me thinks many of you who are so upset are the spouse who is dead between the legs

You already made that dead between the legs jibe and no one cared then and no one cares now.

I certainly rattled you enough to respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woah...OP really steuck a nerve. 13 pages.

Me thinks many of you who are so upset are the spouse who is dead between the legs.

Actually, no. We have a great sex life, now. But for 2-3 years when the kids were little? Nope. Good when it happened, but not nearly frequent enough -- and it WAS me saying no. But thank GOD my DH is nothing like these losers spouting their childish, selfish, pathetic misogynistic crap. I could never respect someone like that. He saw it as our problem, and worked to try to help me get back to where we needed to be. Just like I worked with him when he had a hard time in another area of life. How do you not take care of the mother of your children? What kind of man behaves like that? She's going through something, so you bail. Nice vows. That's not a man. THat's not even an adult.

His kids are in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. They are not little.

How do you not take care of your spouse at all? Does his emotional needs mean NOTHING.

I stand by my statement, but modify it to

Woah...OP really struck a nerve. 18 pages.

Me thinks many of you who are so upset are the spouse who is dead between the legs

Then you'd still be wrong. And why isn't he taking care of his spouse's emotional needs? Because clearly he isn't.

How is this clear? Are you clairvoyant?