Do you secretly resent DH for not making enough money for you to be a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

#1 reason for marital spats and divorce- financial issues.

The people that say $ doesnt matter are incorrect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" He is a devoted husband and father and feels closer to the kids because I spend so much time with them"

Absentee spouse and father feels closer to the kids because YOU spend so time with them. WTF?

Try reading the entire post rather than look for pieces to pull out and pounce on. I repeat. he works long hours, BUT MANAGES THE FAMILY TIME PRETTY WELL. He is in no way, shape or form, an absentee spouse or father. Would we love it if he was home by 5 every afternoon - yes! But that just isn't our reality.

And yes, because DH and I talk several times a day about all the cute stuff the baby did and what's going on with the older DCs, even while he is away, he feels connected. That does mean that is his ONLY interaction with us. Geesh, people.

whatever works for you - fine

But talking about the kids is NOT the same as parenting them. You may as well send him videos when he's away. What's the difference?

You are either slow, didn't read my entire post, or are just desperately looking for little pieces of posts to attack to make yourself feel better about something.

I repeat - DH DOES parent. He is a very involved spouse and father. However, he cannot parent from the office. When he is at work - we stay connected. This is NOT the only way he connects with us, don't be ridiculous.

If we both WOH, other than calling to check in with the daycare or nanny - we wouldn't have the same experience. A hired provider would not share the same level of interest or excitement about every little thing that our offspring did that day and would not relay it in the same way. We are crazy about our kids and happy to be so present.

I'll say it one more time for good measure. DH does not vicariously parent through me. He is very involved with his children, WOH full time, works long hours but has flexibility. Spends quality time with the DCs. Even during hours at the office, stays connected (through me, better than he could otherwise.) Get it?

I don't get how WOHMs have jumped all over this comment. My DH WOH full time and is in a field of work that requires some long days. But no one would dare call a WOHM with a demanding career an absentee mother or say that she is not parenting - oh, no, gasp!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"My contribution to our family and household makes me a true partner as well. He knows he could not do what he does and have what he has if I didn't do what I do."

This is just pablum. My DH manages a prestigious, high paying career and I WOH FT.

Yay for you, throw yourself a party!

[Anonymous]

"I repeat - DH DOES parent. He is a very involved spouse and father. However, he cannot parent from the office. When he is at work - we stay connected. This is NOT the only way he connects with us, don't be ridiculous. "

Yeah, keep telling yourself that, Donna Reed.

[Anonymous]

"But no one would dare call a WOHM with a demanding career an absentee mother or say that she is not parenting - oh, no, gasp! "

No one? You must have missed the many "Why did you bother to have children?" posts.

[Anonymous]

"We are crazy about our kids and happy to be so present."

Your DH is not present. Stop kidding yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"We are crazy about our kids and happy to be so present."

Your DH is not present. Stop kidding yourself.

I suppose our presence in our DCs lives triggers some emotion in you (guilt? fear? frustration?) that makes you pretend to know more about my life than I do. If it makes you and PP who made a similar comment feel better to imagine that I am parenting all alone and DH secretly hates me and our DCs are suffering because of our marital strife - and whatever else you'd like to make up and picture in your own heads about an anonymous poster on an online forum - then by all means, be my guest and imagine away. I hope it helps you - it doesn't affect me either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:#1 reason for marital spats and divorce- financial issues.

The people that say $ doesnt matter are incorrect.

That's exactly my point. The ones who are holding their paychecks over their husband/wive's heads are creating issues down the line. Seriously, if I was counting my pennies and making sure I have a leg up in marriage .. I would deep down know that the marriage was doomed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PP who's so offended by my use of the term "gender stereotyping": First off, when men start opting to stay home as often as women do, then maybe it won't be a gender sterotype. But until then, yes, it's somehow usually the woman's job to leave the work force and stay home taking care of the kids and the house. (Because she makes so much less money. And I won't even go into why THAT'S the case.) And second, let's not forget what gave you your much-vaunted "choice": a husband. No man, no "choice". No wonder you're so defensive. Face it; some of us decided to stay home and our kids did great. Others decided to work and our kids also did great. Neither option guarantees a perfect outcome, as you will one day realize.

I understand what a stereotype is. What I am asking you to understand is that making the decision to SAH was not driven by stereotypes, or because DH expected me to, because 'society' expected me to, or because I was less skilled or making so much less than DH. I was making slightly more. I wanted to care for my own children full time. You apparently think it makes no difference whether children have a SAH parent - I beg to differ.

You might think this is terribly old-fashioned too, but um, no husband, no "child." At least in my case. And who said anything about having idealized visions of "perfect outcomes?" Things are not "perfect", even now. But please do not reduce my decision to dedicate some years full time to my kids as a poor little woman succumbing to stereotypes.

I agreed up until the part of making a difference having a SAH parent. I think you can SAH and kids do great and you can WAH and kids do great. You could even be coming up with a hybrid of being part-time when the kids are older and the kids can do great. Believe it or not I know people with happy well-adjusted kids in college where the parents covered the spectrum of work situations including single mom. If you think about it our parents generation Had SAH parents and you still had crime, addiction, affairs, abuse, all the human failings that have been around since the beginning of time. IF you want to say it was important to you, go ahead. The minute y"ou start to imply somehow someone with a different choice is going to resign their kids to a certain path, I have to disagree.

I believe it. And likewise, there are families that consist of a SAHM and a full time WOH DH that are happy, loving and secure and in which this arrangement does not mean that anyone is resentful, selfish, lazy, dumb, bizarre, 1950s mindset, overwhelmed, stressed about their role, powerless, absentee spouse/father or fill in the blank with the many assumptions made on this thread. Believe it or not.

So are you just as judgemental assuming your way is the only way or is it knee jerk reaction to feeling judged?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" He is a devoted husband and father and feels closer to the kids because I spend so much time with them"

Absentee spouse and father feels closer to the kids because YOU spend so time with them. WTF?

Try reading the entire post rather than look for pieces to pull out and pounce on. I repeat. he works long hours, BUT MANAGES THE FAMILY TIME PRETTY WELL. He is in no way, shape or form, an absentee spouse or father. Would we love it if he was home by 5 every afternoon - yes! But that just isn't our reality.

And yes, because DH and I talk several times a day about all the cute stuff the baby did and what's going on with the older DCs, even while he is away, he feels connected. That does mean that is his ONLY interaction with us. Geesh, people.

whatever works for you - fine

But talking about the kids is NOT the same as parenting them. You may as well send him videos when he's away. What's the difference?

You are either slow, didn't read my entire post, or are just desperately looking for little pieces of posts to attack to make yourself feel better about something.

I repeat - DH DOES parent. He is a very involved spouse and father. However, he cannot parent from the office. When he is at work - we stay connected. This is NOT the only way he connects with us, don't be ridiculous.

If we both WOH, other than calling to check in with the daycare or nanny - we wouldn't have the same experience. A hired provider would not share the same level of interest or excitement about every little thing that our offspring did that day and would not relay it in the same way. We are crazy about our kids and happy to be so present.

I'll say it one more time for good measure. DH does not vicariously parent through me. He is very involved with his children, WOH full time, works long hours but has flexibility. Spends quality time with the DCs. Even during hours at the office, stays connected (through me, better than he could otherwise.) Get it?

I don't get how WOHMs have jumped all over this comment. My DH WOH full time and is in a field of work that requires some long days. But no one would dare call a WOHM with a demanding career an absentee mother or say that she is not parenting - oh, no, gasp!

New Poster. The dynamic that often happens when one parent works and one stays home is that the working parent has more freedom, in a sense, to focus on a career. That is great, but because we both work, it really forces my husband to focus on kids in a way he wouldn't have to if I stayed home. Daycare is in his building, so he checks them in and out, goes down and reads to the preschool class, makes it to all the events, etc. He also has to do his share of sick days and pediatrician appointments - he actually does more of those since his job is very flexible and mine is not (though I don't work as many hours as he does). He gets up with them at night usually because we both work and he is able to more easily fall back asleep after getting up. So, in many ways our situation is exactly opposite of yours - you are saying your staying home allows your DH to be more present in their lives, whereas I believe my working allows my husband to step up a lot more.

I'm not judging your situation or saying you are wrong. I get where you are coming from, just offering a different vantage point. Frankly if one of us had a demanding career that wasn't flexible and required long hours, and also made great money, it would make sense for the other to stay home, or maybe go PT since I don't think I'd want to stay home full time, at least not at this stage in my life. So I get why it works for some people to do things differently than we do - really there are so many circumstances at play that factor into these decisions, and of course not everyone gets to chose. Fact is though I love working and I don't think I'd make a great SAHM, I bring home half our income so it's not so much a choice for me anyway. And we only have two kids and aren't planning for more. I can't imagine working with three!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"We are crazy about our kids and happy to be so present."

Your DH is not present. Stop kidding yourself.

I suppose our presence in our DCs lives triggers some emotion in you (guilt? fear? frustration?) that makes you pretend to know more about my life than I do. If it makes you and PP who made a similar comment feel better to imagine that I am parenting all alone and DH secretly hates me and our DCs are suffering because of our marital strife - and whatever else you'd like to make up and picture in your own heads about an anonymous poster on an online forum - then by all means, be my guest and imagine away. I hope it helps you - it doesn't affect me either way.

I guess my comment is that when your kids are older, you'll realize the SAH vs. WOH divide is irrelevant in the long run. No parent, SAH, WAH or WOH, can stay in touch with their children while said children are away at school full time. I hang with my middle schooler at the bus stop every morning ( we eat breakfast together too), then he's gone for 8.25 hours from the time the bus comes until it returns him to the bus stop in the afternoons. I could WOH or SAH but still couldn't directly see or hear how his day is going for those 41 + hours a week. This whole thing matters so much less than parents of young kids make out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:#1 reason for marital spats and divorce- financial issues.

The people that say $ doesnt matter are incorrect.

That's exactly my point. The ones who are holding their paychecks over their husband/wive's heads are creating issues down the line. Seriously, if I was counting my pennies and making sure I have a leg up in marriage .. I would deep down know that the marriage was doomed.

Not a leg up, an equal footing. It can't be rare that in my family, money has been a source of spousal power struggles for at least 3 generations before mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"We are crazy about our kids and happy to be so present."

Your DH is not present. Stop kidding yourself.

I suppose our presence in our DCs lives triggers some emotion in you (guilt? fear? frustration?) that makes you pretend to know more about my life than I do. If it makes you and PP who made a similar comment feel better to imagine that I am parenting all alone and DH secretly hates me and our DCs are suffering because of our marital strife - and whatever else you'd like to make up and picture in your own heads about an anonymous poster on an online forum - then by all means, be my guest and imagine away. I hope it helps you - it doesn't affect me either way.

I guess my comment is that when your kids are older, you'll realize the SAH vs. WOH divide is irrelevant in the long run. No parent, SAH, WAH or WOH, can stay in touch with their children while said children are away at school full time. I hang with my middle schooler at the bus stop every morning ( we eat breakfast together too), then he's gone for 8.25 hours from the time the bus comes until it returns him to the bus stop in the afternoons. I could WOH or SAH but still couldn't directly see or hear how his day is going for those 41 + hours a week. This whole thing matters so much less than parents of young kids make out.

It is more a developmental difference. My 5 or 6 kids have the independence, skills and development to be gone all day. the first few years of a child's life are when they learn 90% of everything they will ever know and it establishes the foundation of who they will be as a person so developmentally it is a big difference. I wouldn't put my 2 yr old on a bus and send them away for the day - developmentally not appropriate. My five year old - sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I repeat - DH DOES parent. He is a very involved spouse and father. However, he cannot parent from the office. When he is at work - we stay connected. This is NOT the only way he connects with us, don't be ridiculous. "

Yeah, keep telling yourself that, Donna Reed.

So do you not believe that any working parents parent? If you don't think her DH parents or is involved, then you must also beleive that no working parent - mom or dad is involved with their kids or parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:no, i do not resent him. That being said, I wish he or I made more money--not to be a SAHM but to be able to either afford a private school or move to a place with decent private schools, or to be able to afford to renovate or crappy home to sell it to move, etc...or simply not to be always worrying about money--about the fact that we are neither saving for retirement or college. what scares me is that DH is in a sunset industry, and he's getting older, and the jobs drying up, and I fear unemployment more than anything. So for the moment, fingers crossed....

This. I wish we BOTH made more money so I woudn't have to worry about this stuff. I could be you, PP.